Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We ended up not hiring a nanny who spent most of her training day asking the old nanny when I will start WOTH. It was a huge red flag for me and the old nanny. I was really worried of her intentions: what did she have to hide to be so afraid of me being in the same house. Btw I only come out of the office to grab lunch when my child is asleep, so I chat with the nanny for 15 minutes and go back to work. If we to have more children, I will advertise as a WAH mom, even if it won't be the case.

Yep. Dishonesty is the foundation for a positive relationship, especially those in which you'd like to foster honesty and openness!

No, it's a selection criteria. I am not fostering any relationship with potential candidates, only with the one who'd get the job.

Anonymous wrote:So sorry op. parents at home is an awful situation. I've been lucky in the past of having understanding parents who basically hide from their child in an office during the day and then maybe around 4 pm let me go early and take the child to the park or on an outing. The toddler at the time never new the mom was even home.

MB here. I run as soon as our nanny is back. We realized when our son turned 14 months that he was throwing tantrums. I hide in the house and watch him and listen to his babbling bc it's comforting but I dont let him see me. I would love for him to be reasonable and know that he needs to behave but he doesnt so i hide. Dont' want to throw off the routine he has with his nanny and make it harder.

Anonymous wrote:We ended up not hiring a nanny who spent most of her training day asking the old nanny when I will start WOTH. It was a huge red flag for me and the old nanny. I was really worried of her intentions: what did she have to hide to be so afraid of me being in the same house. Btw I only come out of the office to grab lunch when my child is asleep, so I chat with the nanny for 15 minutes and go back to work. If we to have more children, I will advertise as a WAH mom, even if it won't be the case.

Yep. Dishonesty is the foundation for a positive relationship, especially those in which you'd like to foster honesty and openness!

We ended up not hiring a nanny who spent most of her training day asking the old nanny when I will start WOTH. It was a huge red flag for me and the old nanny. I was really worried of her intentions: what did she have to hide to be so afraid of me being in the same house. Btw I only come out of the office to grab lunch when my child is asleep, so I chat with the nanny for 15 minutes and go back to work. If we to have more children, I will advertise as a WAH mom, even if it won't be the case.

Anonymous wrote:Nannies, you do realize that children can receive care, discipline, guidance, comfort, etc from more than 1 person simultaneously don't you? It happens every day, for example Mom and Dad. Parents are able to co-parent a child without one or the other leaving the premises and you should be able to do the same. This is not to say it will not take effort- you will need communication, shared goals, methods, and understanding of each other...it will take effort for sure. But all jobs take effort and almost all jobs involve supervision or a boss who is going to have an opinion on the way you do things, and you can't just say "boss, you must leave" just because you don't have total autonomy. There could be specific things you need to address, such as the mother contradicting something you've said or upsetting a routine, etc, but just as Mom and Dads have to work around each other and respect each other, you can do the same. If you truly have the best interest of the baby/child at heart, then this would be your goal, not simply trying to get the mother to stay scarce. When a mother hears her baby crying in the other room when Dad is taking care of him/her, no one would ever say "how dare she come out and comfort him when Dad is right there!" It is absurd to think that because the mother comes and offers comfort, that it means the mother doesn't think the nanny can handle it. Try thinking of the situation from the mother's perspective without the quick rush to criticize. Imagine you are the mom and you hear your baby crying? If the mother is truly doing it EVERY single time the child cries, then yes, sit down and discuss it by all means. Maybe try getting out of the house a little more yourself if your boss doesn't mind the outings? It is not reasonable to think you can just ask your boss to leave, however, just like it isn't in any other job.

Interesting that you use this example. On the parenting side of this forum, women are regularly advised not to run in and "help" their partner just because he isn't calming the baby quickly enough, because doing so undermines his ability to develop a rapport with the baby, making it impossible for him to care for the child without her supervision and help.

Likewise, parents are welcome to swoop in and rescue their kid every time they are sad in the nanny's care--the problem is that these parents ostensibly want the nanny to be successful in caring for the child without their presence, which requires the nanny to have authority over and a relationship with the child. This is a have-you-cake-and-eat-it-too scenario. Either you hired a nanny because you want someone with excellent child care skills, experience and judgement, or you just need a warm body in the room to make sure your toddler doesn't choke to death.

Those nannies who actually have the skill, experience and judgement to operate independently find it frustrating to be undermined not because we are are resentful that our boss wants input, but because this type of "I'm the mom, your relationship with my kid is irrelevant" attitude makes it impossible for us to work up to our potential as nannies. I want to be the best nanny I can for you, but I need you to value that my routine and relationship with your child is something that develops organically through time spent together. It doesn't switch on and off when you enter and leave the room.

I think most people who are skilled in their field and have a passion for their job would grow frustrated if their supervisor regularly engaged in behavior that prevented the worker from reaching their full potential in that position. If you want my best, treat me as a valued employee with expertise equal to or greater than your own--let's work together! If you want a warm body, treat your nanny like "the help" and remind her often that you are the only person who knows anything or has the authority to make any choices.

Nannies, you do realize that children can receive care, discipline, guidance, comfort, etc from more than 1 person simultaneously don't you? It happens every day, for example Mom and Dad. Parents are able to co-parent a child without one or the other leaving the premises and you should be able to do the same. This is not to say it will not take effort- you will need communication, shared goals, methods, and understanding of each other...it will take effort for sure. But all jobs take effort and almost all jobs involve supervision or a boss who is going to have an opinion on the way you do things, and you can't just say "boss, you must leave" just because you don't have total autonomy. There could be specific things you need to address, such as the mother contradicting something you've said or upsetting a routine, etc, but just as Mom and Dads have to work around each other and respect each other, you can do the same. If you truly have the best interest of the baby/child at heart, then this would be your goal, not simply trying to get the mother to stay scarce. When a mother hears her baby crying in the other room when Dad is taking care of him/her, no one would ever say "how dare she come out and comfort him when Dad is right there!" It is absurd to think that because the mother comes and offers comfort, that it means the mother doesn't think the nanny can handle it. Try thinking of the situation from the mother's perspective without the quick rush to criticize. Imagine you are the mom and you hear your baby crying? If the mother is truly doing it EVERY single time the child cries, then yes, sit down and discuss it by all means. Maybe try getting out of the house a little more yourself if your boss doesn't mind the outings? It is not reasonable to think you can just ask your boss to leave, however, just like it isn't in any other job.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar situation to OP. I love the family, but mom is currently on a leave from work and is home. I often feel like she's shadowing me, and I've told her (politely) "when xx cries, I can handle it. I'll let you know if I need some help" she told me that she knows I can handle it, but it isn't easy for her to sit back and listen to her baby cry without stepping in.

The main issue for me, is I set stricter boundaries for the child and mom gives into whines and screams.

Instead of telling her you can handle it and thereby making it about you it might be more effective if you made it about the child. Eg, it's confusing for xx when you come in and out. I'm not saying you are wrong in saying you can handle it etc but for some parents it might go over better if you present it in terms of what is better for the child, because that's kind of the point anyway, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The OP probably has a job because the mom works from home, so the idea that the mom is going to "make herself scarce" to make the nanny more comfortable is absurd.
Many of the nannies here have the idea that there should be no challenges in a job other than those the child presents. Nowhere is it written than nannies are to be purely autonomous employees who do not have to be considerate of the parents when they are present.
It honestly does raise red flags to me when so many nannies have this attitude that if a parent dares to be present, then the job is suddenly a nightmare. WTF? It definitely makes me think that the concern for the child is feigned, when so few people ask how to make it easier on the child, but rather, how to make it easier on the nanny by removing the parent. OP needs to be able to communicate her concerns with the parent, and come to a conclusion about how to handle it together. The answer is not going to be for the mom to say, "well let me just leave and not see my children all day, despite the fact that I chose a career that allows me to work from home for the very reason that I can see and participate in my children's lives during the day.... because that makes it so much easier and convenient for you nanny"
Sure, I can understand why some nannies shy away from these positions. Most people would love a job that involves no interaction with a boss or supervisor where you can spend your day on your cell phone, looking at your lap top, reading books, sleeping on the couch, having friends over etc.... But when you did not apply for and accept a job where the mom works exclusively out of the home, you can not expect to then make it such after you start working.



You are precisely the kind of parent no nanny wants to work for. Your generalized contempt for all nannies is all over your post. If this is what you think of all nannies, you really ought to consider other childcare solutions. Its not healthy to cycle through caregivers like a pair of socks, which I'm sure is exactly what you're doing.

NP here and you are really off your meds, immediate PP. The poster you're bullying had not expressed any contempt for nannies and your suggestion that they cycle through caregivers is both odd and presumptive.

So, you have a personal issue with working with parents who work at home. Fine. But own it as your issue and stop with trying to make it a legit issue.

Her post was dripping with contemptuous generalizations. You don't understand what contempt or bullying are, clearly. And I said nothing about work at home parents. I really don't care. I commented on that particular poster's attitude toward nannies in general, and stated that if that is how she views us as a whole, she'd be better off going with another option. Do people who hate driving buy sports cars? Do people who fear water buy boats? She doesn't like nannies or at least she thinks very little of us, so why oh why do you employ one? She likely is cycling through caregivers, and that truly isn't healthy for her kid.

Agree that the nanny poster here is off-base, and being a bully. Every time an employer imposes some sort of expectation upon her nanny, you jump online and accuse her of being the kind of MB nannies hate working for, and someone who must cycle through nannies at the expense of her child. There is no reason to conclude that she has problems with her own nanny simply because she has a problem with you.

There is nothing contemptuous about the MBs post and no reason to think she lacks respect for nannies in general. What she does appear to lack respect for are nannies who have a problem understanding that their job is, in fact, a job. Jobs come with bosses. Bosses mean that there will be some unwelcome oversight, and the expectation that the employee will be fully engaged with her work during hours in which she is being paid, and the expectation that she will keep personal phone calls and personal texts to a strict minimum. Most of us do.

Right. Her post wasn't contemptuous, but I'm being a bully. Saying something you don't like does not equate to bullying, honey bun. You all are so full of yourselves you can't see past your own ass. I'm surprised you can lift your arms to pat each other on the back. (Hint: now I'm being a bully)

No, Sweet Cheeks. Telling a mother that she is abusing her child because she doesn't work hard enough to make life easy for her nanny is bullying. And manipulative. Your words above aren't really those of a bully, they just demonstrate your classlessness and immaturity.

You're confusing your posters. I never said any of that. Are you under the there is only one nanny on this thread? I have only said the things in this exchange, which were not bullying statements. And as for classlessness and immaturity, it takes one to know one, Sugar Bear

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have worked with lots of WAH parents, and there are two ways to do it. Either they want a nanny (someone who can operate independently, has a strong rapport with the kids and who will be a resource in helping the kids grow and learn), OR they want a babysitter (someone to provide a basic level of supervision when the parents cannot supervise the children).

If they want a nanny, they need to treat you as a nanny:
1) give you time and space to work through tough moments with the kids (because that is how atrong nanny/child bonds are built)
2) Support your discipline choices ("I don't approve of X as a consequence is fine", but it needs to be said with no kids present. You mys be united in front of kids).
3) she needs to allow you to build a routine and schedule that works for the kids and for you, and be aware that visits from mom are disruptive (I am not sayig she can't visit, but needs to be aware of how she's impacting what you are trying to build and try to mitigate negative impact by open communication about the schedule).

If she just wants a babysitter, then you need to decide whether you are interested in that role. I would not be, at least for a full-time job.

These are good suggestions, but they are just as applicable to a babysitter as to a nanny. If a parent wants her kids to respect the babysitter or nanny, she needs to present a united front with that other adult and let the babysitter/nanny be in charge while she is working.

Honestly, why do so many nanny posters on this board think the distinction between a nanny and a babysitter arises from a difference in the quality of care rather than a difference in the work schedule and tasks? A good babysitter is every bit as good a a good nanny, and a bad nanny is not one bit better than a bad babysitter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The OP probably has a job because the mom works from home, so the idea that the mom is going to "make herself scarce" to make the nanny more comfortable is absurd.
Many of the nannies here have the idea that there should be no challenges in a job other than those the child presents. Nowhere is it written than nannies are to be purely autonomous employees who do not have to be considerate of the parents when they are present.
It honestly does raise red flags to me when so many nannies have this attitude that if a parent dares to be present, then the job is suddenly a nightmare. WTF? It definitely makes me think that the concern for the child is feigned, when so few people ask how to make it easier on the child, but rather, how to make it easier on the nanny by removing the parent. OP needs to be able to communicate her concerns with the parent, and come to a conclusion about how to handle it together. The answer is not going to be for the mom to say, "well let me just leave and not see my children all day, despite the fact that I chose a career that allows me to work from home for the very reason that I can see and participate in my children's lives during the day.... because that makes it so much easier and convenient for you nanny"
Sure, I can understand why some nannies shy away from these positions. Most people would love a job that involves no interaction with a boss or supervisor where you can spend your day on your cell phone, looking at your lap top, reading books, sleeping on the couch, having friends over etc.... But when you did not apply for and accept a job where the mom works exclusively out of the home, you can not expect to then make it such after you start working.



You are precisely the kind of parent no nanny wants to work for. Your generalized contempt for all nannies is all over your post. If this is what you think of all nannies, you really ought to consider other childcare solutions. Its not healthy to cycle through caregivers like a pair of socks, which I'm sure is exactly what you're doing.

NP here and you are really off your meds, immediate PP. The poster you're bullying had not expressed any contempt for nannies and your suggestion that they cycle through caregivers is both odd and presumptive.

So, you have a personal issue with working with parents who work at home. Fine. But own it as your issue and stop with trying to make it a legit issue.

Her post was dripping with contemptuous generalizations. You don't understand what contempt or bullying are, clearly. And I said nothing about work at home parents. I really don't care. I commented on that particular poster's attitude toward nannies in general, and stated that if that is how she views us as a whole, she'd be better off going with another option. Do people who hate driving buy sports cars? Do people who fear water buy boats? She doesn't like nannies or at least she thinks very little of us, so why oh why do you employ one? She likely is cycling through caregivers, and that truly isn't healthy for her kid.

Agree that the nanny poster here is off-base, and being a bully. Every time an employer imposes some sort of expectation upon her nanny, you jump online and accuse her of being the kind of MB nannies hate working for, and someone who must cycle through nannies at the expense of her child. There is no reason to conclude that she has problems with her own nanny simply because she has a problem with you.

There is nothing contemptuous about the MBs post and no reason to think she lacks respect for nannies in general. What she does appear to lack respect for are nannies who have a problem understanding that their job is, in fact, a job. Jobs come with bosses. Bosses mean that there will be some unwelcome oversight, and the expectation that the employee will be fully engaged with her work during hours in which she is being paid, and the expectation that she will keep personal phone calls and personal texts to a strict minimum. Most of us do.

Right. Her post wasn't contemptuous, but I'm being a bully. Saying something you don't like does not equate to bullying, honey bun. You all are so full of yourselves you can't see past your own ass. I'm surprised you can lift your arms to pat each other on the back. (Hint: now I'm being a bully)

No, Sweet Cheeks. Telling a mother that she is abusing her child because she doesn't work hard enough to make life easy for her nanny is bullying. And manipulative. Your words above aren't really those of a bully, they just demonstrate your classlessness and immaturity.

I'm in a similar situation to OP. I love the family, but mom is currently on a leave from work and is home. I often feel like she's shadowing me, and I've told her (politely) "when xx cries, I can handle it. I'll let you know if I need some help" she told me that she knows I can handle it, but it isn't easy for her to sit back and listen to her baby cry without stepping in.

The main issue for me, is I set stricter boundaries for the child and mom gives into whines and screams.

OP, I have worked with lots of WAH parents, and there are two ways to do it. Either they want a nanny (someone who can operate independently, has a strong rapport with the kids and who will be a resource in helping the kids grow and learn), OR they want a babysitter (someone to provide a basic level of supervision when the parents cannot supervise the children).

If they want a nanny, they need to treat you as a nanny:
1) give you time and space to work through tough moments with the kids (because that is how atrong nanny/child bonds are built)
2) Support your discipline choices ("I don't approve of X as a consequence is fine", but it needs to be said with no kids present. You mys be united in front of kids).
3) she needs to allow you to build a routine and schedule that works for the kids and for you, and be aware that visits from mom are disruptive (I am not sayig she can't visit, but needs to be aware of how she's impacting what you are trying to build and try to mitigate negative impact by open communication about the schedule).

If she just wants a babysitter, then you need to decide whether you are interested in that role. I would not be, at least for a full-time job.

I think you need to explain to the mother that she is making the situations more painful for her children. Of course the children want to be with their mother - this is as it should be - but having her appear when there is a problem/tantrum is simply reinforcing the child's bad behavior (which the parents will suffer from in the long run - not to mention causing pain and confusion to the child).
Perhaps you could ask the mother to set a ritual when she leaves the house - a kiss, a hug and a high five or something - that is repeated when she just goes into her home office to work.

BTW - I found the OP's initial post to be respectful and one that was honestly seeking advice. Some of the mothers on this board are truly horrid!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The OP probably has a job because the mom works from home, so the idea that the mom is going to "make herself scarce" to make the nanny more comfortable is absurd.
Many of the nannies here have the idea that there should be no challenges in a job other than those the child presents. Nowhere is it written than nannies are to be purely autonomous employees who do not have to be considerate of the parents when they are present.
It honestly does raise red flags to me when so many nannies have this attitude that if a parent dares to be present, then the job is suddenly a nightmare. WTF? It definitely makes me think that the concern for the child is feigned, when so few people ask how to make it easier on the child, but rather, how to make it easier on the nanny by removing the parent. OP needs to be able to communicate her concerns with the parent, and come to a conclusion about how to handle it together. The answer is not going to be for the mom to say, "well let me just leave and not see my children all day, despite the fact that I chose a career that allows me to work from home for the very reason that I can see and participate in my children's lives during the day.... because that makes it so much easier and convenient for you nanny"
Sure, I can understand why some nannies shy away from these positions. Most people would love a job that involves no interaction with a boss or supervisor where you can spend your day on your cell phone, looking at your lap top, reading books, sleeping on the couch, having friends over etc.... But when you did not apply for and accept a job where the mom works exclusively out of the home, you can not expect to then make it such after you start working.



You are precisely the kind of parent no nanny wants to work for. Your generalized contempt for all nannies is all over your post. If this is what you think of all nannies, you really ought to consider other childcare solutions. Its not healthy to cycle through caregivers like a pair of socks, which I'm sure is exactly what you're doing.

NP here and you are really off your meds, immediate PP. The poster you're bullying had not expressed any contempt for nannies and your suggestion that they cycle through caregivers is both odd and presumptive.

So, you have a personal issue with working with parents who work at home. Fine. But own it as your issue and stop with trying to make it a legit issue.

Her post was dripping with contemptuous generalizations. You don't understand what contempt or bullying are, clearly. And I said nothing about work at home parents. I really don't care. I commented on that particular poster's attitude toward nannies in general, and stated that if that is how she views us as a whole, she'd be better off going with another option. Do people who hate driving buy sports cars? Do people who fear water buy boats? She doesn't like nannies or at least she thinks very little of us, so why oh why do you employ one? She likely is cycling through caregivers, and that truly isn't healthy for her kid.

Agree that the nanny poster here is off-base, and being a bully. Every time an employer imposes some sort of expectation upon her nanny, you jump online and accuse her of being the kind of MB nannies hate working for, and someone who must cycle through nannies at the expense of her child. There is no reason to conclude that she has problems with her own nanny simply because she has a problem with you.

There is nothing contemptuous about the MBs post and no reason to think she lacks respect for nannies in general. What she does appear to lack respect for are nannies who have a problem understanding that their job is, in fact, a job. Jobs come with bosses. Bosses mean that there will be some unwelcome oversight, and the expectation that the employee will be fully engaged with her work during hours in which she is being paid, and the expectation that she will keep personal phone calls and personal texts to a strict minimum. Most of us do.

Right. Her post wasn't contemptuous, but I'm being a bully. Saying something you don't like does not equate to bullying, honey bun. You all are so full of yourselves you can't see past your own ass. I'm surprised you can lift your arms to pat each other on the back. (Hint: now I'm being a bully)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The OP probably has a job because the mom works from home, so the idea that the mom is going to "make herself scarce" to make the nanny more comfortable is absurd.
Many of the nannies here have the idea that there should be no challenges in a job other than those the child presents. Nowhere is it written than nannies are to be purely autonomous employees who do not have to be considerate of the parents when they are present.
It honestly does raise red flags to me when so many nannies have this attitude that if a parent dares to be present, then the job is suddenly a nightmare. WTF? It definitely makes me think that the concern for the child is feigned, when so few people ask how to make it easier on the child, but rather, how to make it easier on the nanny by removing the parent. OP needs to be able to communicate her concerns with the parent, and come to a conclusion about how to handle it together. The answer is not going to be for the mom to say, "well let me just leave and not see my children all day, despite the fact that I chose a career that allows me to work from home for the very reason that I can see and participate in my children's lives during the day.... because that makes it so much easier and convenient for you nanny"
Sure, I can understand why some nannies shy away from these positions. Most people would love a job that involves no interaction with a boss or supervisor where you can spend your day on your cell phone, looking at your lap top, reading books, sleeping on the couch, having friends over etc.... But when you did not apply for and accept a job where the mom works exclusively out of the home, you can not expect to then make it such after you start working.



You are precisely the kind of parent no nanny wants to work for. Your generalized contempt for all nannies is all over your post. If this is what you think of all nannies, you really ought to consider other childcare solutions. Its not healthy to cycle through caregivers like a pair of socks, which I'm sure is exactly what you're doing.

NP here and you are really off your meds, immediate PP. The poster you're bullying had not expressed any contempt for nannies and your suggestion that they cycle through caregivers is both odd and presumptive.

So, you have a personal issue with working with parents who work at home. Fine. But own it as your issue and stop with trying to make it a legit issue.

Her post was dripping with contemptuous generalizations. You don't understand what contempt or bullying are, clearly. And I said nothing about work at home parents. I really don't care. I commented on that particular poster's attitude toward nannies in general, and stated that if that is how she views us as a whole, she'd be better off going with another option. Do people who hate driving buy sports cars? Do people who fear water buy boats? She doesn't like nannies or at least she thinks very little of us, so why oh why do you employ one? She likely is cycling through caregivers, and that truly isn't healthy for her kid.

Agree that the nanny poster here is off-base, and being a bully. Every time an employer imposes some sort of expectation upon her nanny, you jump online and accuse her of being the kind of MB nannies hate working for, and someone who must cycle through nannies at the expense of her child. There is no reason to conclude that she has problems with her own nanny simply because she has a problem with you.

There is nothing contemptuous about the MBs post and no reason to think she lacks respect for nannies in general. What she does appear to lack respect for are nannies who have a problem understanding that their job is, in fact, a job. Jobs come with bosses. Bosses mean that there will be some unwelcome oversight, and the expectation that the employee will be fully engaged with her work during hours in which she is being paid, and the expectation that she will keep personal phone calls and personal texts to a strict minimum. Most of us do.