Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Your AP may want a break occasionally as well. Just saying. I'm sorry I just don't get the whole " wah, I decided to work and have young kids, and wah its hard work, and wah my husband and I actually have to take care of them". No one dropped these kids at your doorstep.

Yeah because au pairs never get a break. They work 45 hours a week MAX. Which means they have 123 free hours a week to have a break. No one's whining - we're just saying that it's not a mandate that you give your au pair absolutely every second off that you're not working at the expense of your own sanity.

45 hours a week is a lot to ask of someone you are barely paying, IMHO. You don't need to give her off every second off that you get off, and I don't think anyone said that. But there is a middle ground between giving off every second you have off, and using all 45 hours each week just to use them and making your AP work every holiday because for some reason you think its so awful that you and your husband have to take care of the kids you birthed when you're home. What a strange statement to make.

We've had this conversation a million times, but au pairs are not "barely paid." I posted earlier that I don't the OP is taking the right approach by literally making up hours that she really doesn't need her, but don't make people feel guilty for wanting me time. Yes, we chose to have kids. But that doesn't mean we need to feel guilty for every second we're away from them, and you strongly suggested otherwise in your "no one dropped these kids at your doorstep" post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Your AP may want a break occasionally as well. Just saying. I'm sorry I just don't get the whole " wah, I decided to work and have young kids, and wah its hard work, and wah my husband and I actually have to take care of them". No one dropped these kids at your doorstep.

Yeah because au pairs never get a break. They work 45 hours a week MAX. Which means they have 123 free hours a week to have a break. No one's whining - we're just saying that it's not a mandate that you give your au pair absolutely every second off that you're not working at the expense of your own sanity.

45 hours a week is a lot to ask of someone you are barely paying, IMHO. You don't need to give her off every second off that you get off, and I don't think anyone said that. But there is a middle ground between giving off every second you have off, and using all 45 hours each week just to use them and making your AP work every holiday because for some reason you think its so awful that you and your husband have to take care of the kids you birthed when you're home. What a strange statement to make.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Your AP may want a break occasionally as well. Just saying. I'm sorry I just don't get the whole " wah, I decided to work and have young kids, and wah its hard work, and wah my husband and I actually have to take care of them". No one dropped these kids at your doorstep.

Yeah because au pairs never get a break. They work 45 hours a week MAX. Which means they have 123 free hours a week to have a break. No one's whining - we're just saying that it's not a mandate that you give your au pair absolutely every second off that you're not working at the expense of your own sanity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Your AP may want a break occasionally as well. Just saying. I'm sorry I just don't get the whole " wah, I decided to work and have young kids, and wah its hard work, and wah my husband and I actually have to take care of them". No one dropped these kids at your doorstep.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Ugh, don't feel guilty about this all. No need to be a martyr and spend every single free minute with the kids until you're so in need of me time you explode. It's one of the reasons we have au pairs actually. We only use 25 hours a week for pick up and drop off for school. So every Tuesday night, we also have her give the kids dinner and put them to bed so that we can have a date night (or simply run errands!). It's wonderful for us and our marriage and I don't for a second feel guilty that I'm not spending one night with them out of the week.

Now you may get some pushback on this from an immature au pair. Our au pair has a friend that complained to me that her host parents still asked her to work even though they were furloughed during the government shutdown. I gently reminded her that she was still being paid to work even though the parents had no income (didn't know Feds would be paid back until the end of it) and that as long as they were sticking generally to the schedule she was told when they matched, it shouldn't matter to her what they did. I asked her to think about a time she's seen her host parents truly taking time for themselves and/or working on the house or whatever they needed to get done - she admitted that they had gotten a lot done around the house and she had never seen them so relaxed.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

Maybe you didn't mean it like I took it but your post kind of illustrates why I feel guilty for using 45 hours and resent that. Of note, I have 3 kids under 6 (6, 4 and 3 to be exact). I work fulltime, so does my husband and we have no free help in the area (grandparents etc.).
When I have a federal holiday, I have our AP work because it is finally a day where I can relax, take care of somethings etc. Otherwise, it is ALWAYS me (and husband) taking care of the kids: mornings, evenings, weekends. I am not a machine and would soo much like a break sometimes. But you make me feel guilty because I sound like I don't want to spend extra time with my kids when I spent all of my none-working hours with them (excluding sleep).

Another thing I've seen, both in one of my APs and also in previous posts on APMOM is that some families will schedule an AP to work on a holiday in order to "force" her to be part of the family on that day. In our experience, if she wasn't on duty, she made other plans...so if we wanted her to celebrate DD4's birthday with us, she had to be on duty! Personally, it got to the point that if it was a family holiday (Christmas, Easter, Tgiving) I didn't care if she showed up because she was quite unpleasant to be around (it's apparently really tough being paid to sit and eat with our family) but when it came to the kids birthday, I put her on the clock because they wouldn't understand why she didn't care enough to show up. So I understand why some HPs schedule every single hour at times. Each case is different and each family has it's own dynamic and each HP/AP relationship it's own issues. As long as you're within the rules, who is to judge?

Anonymous wrote:the OP is an absolute nightmare. The AP is supposed to be a member of the family as much as an employee. She is taking care of your kids! Hate that attitude.

Meanwhile, we are flying our Au Pair down to the Caribbean, eating every meal with her, etc. What a contrast.

Perhaps this OP has done the same with her AP, and that is why she is feeling this way now -because she has been giving and generous with the AP, but hasn't experienced the same in return. Doesn't seem appropriate to judge someone as an "absolute nightmare" when they have just come here for advice on a particular situation.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

I think that's kind of the point - the difference between having an AP who lives with you, and a live-out nanny. That's where the "begrudging" feelings can come in, because the host family and AP live together, and so sometimes feelings build up about give-and-take issues, flexibility, etc. that might not arise with a live-out nanny. For instance, it sounds like this OP is feeling stingy about hours because she feels that she has perhaps been flexible with the AP in other respects and has not received the same flexibility in return. Sometimes when folks live together and share more aspects of their lives than a typical nanny-family relationship, a passive-aggressive impulse might take over that is due to a variety of factors beyond simply the employer-employee relationship. But that is why it is important to take a step back, analyze the impulse, and work against it because it is probably counter-productive (even if fueled by appropriately righteous indignation!).

the OP is an absolute nightmare. The AP is supposed to be a member of the family as much as an employee. She is taking care of your kids! Hate that attitude.

Meanwhile, we are flying our Au Pair down to the Caribbean, eating every meal with her, etc. What a contrast.

Wow, I am an MB w/ a long-term nanny so I may not understand the whole au pair world, but it seems rather silly and petty to me that a parent would begrudge someone extra time off if they were around to stay w/ their children. I actually like being able to send my nanny home early b/c it means I can spend more time w/ my children. With two working parents any time we can spend with our children we do. I wouldn't spend any energy sending passive aggressive messages to my au pair and just do what works/is right for my family.

I like this approach!

We have always used all 45 of our APs' hours because we are still in the young, non-school-aged children years. Our APs know this when they match with us - and it has been fine. Some of their friends have similar schedules, some have "cushier" schedules. We also often use up the hours even when we both have off on a weekday, such as, e.g. a federal holiday. We might give the AP off on the holiday, but then have a couple of ten hour days and a date night. We also explain this to APs before they match with us. We have never felt badly about this; there are also plenty of times when we don't end up using all 45 hours because we go away somewhere and the AP gets extra vacation weeks, or because the AP asks for extra time off to do something she wants or needs to do. As long as the relationship is good and the family and the AP are kind, generous, and flexible with each other - and the program rules are followed - having the AP work the contracted number of hours on a regular basis should be nothing more than par for the course.

Now, as another poster pointed out, if your desire to "eek out" all the 45 hours in a particular week stems from resentment and not real need, you probably want to consider giving some extra time off that week. I do understand this impulse - we had to fight against it with our last AP. She was a really good AP, but while we were fairly flexible with her hours when things arose that she needed us to switch around the schedule for, or scramble for last minute child care when something came up that she suddenly *had* to take care of (though she could have given us more warning than she ever did), she was never as flexible with us, and made us feel supremely guilty if we were ever five minutes late because of traffic or something, even when we called ahead and of course switched the next day's hours to make up for it. So - when we had weeks with extra hours - especially right after she had just gotten time off for one of these last minute requests - we always had to remind ourselves to be generous-spirited and not begrudge the AP the extra hours off if we didn't really need them. It felt better in the end.

I'm not sure she is the exception. We have been hosting APs for seven years. Never had any of those rules either and never even had an AP whose friends had rules like that. Car curfew, maybe, but not one for themselves. I'm not sure where this poster gets her info that "most" hfs are horrible. Are there bad ones? Sure. But most? Come on.

You're a bitch, OP.