Anonymous
Post 10/23/2013 03:57     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny, but I think you're being a jerk here. YOU offered to do all these things for free, sending a clear message that you are uncomfortable with compensation/tit-for-tat. The parents probably wracked their brain trying to come up with a gift you would accept, settled on this thinking that since it was related to kids and you supposedly did all of this out of love for their kids that it would be a fitting gift, and you snapped at her.

Figure out what you want. If you want to be like family and do all this out of the goodness of your heart, then do it, but don't be passive aggressive and rude because they didn't guess the right way to thank you. If what you really want is to be paid like a normal employee, then don't offer to work for free.


+1. You said they've given you nice gifts in the past that were for you and your husband and you also said you really didn't expect anything from her now. It might not have been the best choice in gifts but given their history it doesn't sound like it was intended as anything but a nice gesture. You were rude in your response to her and worse is that you are blowing it WAY out of proportion.


OP here.

How can it be a gift for ME if it'll benefit THEIR kid and that I said NO to carrying babies in a scarf ?
That's the only question I'm asking. And that's very rude from them !


You presumably spend all day with children and (soon their?) babies. It was very thoughtful and fair of them to assume that a sling would be a great gift that you would use frequently. Lighten up and realize that they were trying to do something nice for you, the fact that you are SO insulted that a gift (gift! Free! Not something they had to do!!!!) wasn't specifically tailored to you and your husbands exact tastes and needs is pretty alarming and immature. Do you cry at Christmas when you don't get the exact sweater you had asked for? That is how you are coming across here.



OP here.
Yes, I do spend all day with children and soon their baby.
I said no when she asked me if I wanted a sling so why insist ?
I don't see it as a gift to thank me for whatever I did for them but just a way to slip their sling into my home !
When I do a gift to someone, it's obviously for THEM, not my taste, not my neighbor's taste !
I can be wrong in choosing something but at least I tried.
They didn't try anything, they thought about their own benefit.
If you agree with them, then you're probably often mistaken about giving gifts to people as well and I'm glad I'm not your friend or a family member.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 23:34     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
I find it really odd that OP is comparing use of a sling - which virtually all moms of 2 kids have now a days - to being a doormat. This really does some specifically tied to the particular gift selected - why is a sling so terrible??
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 23:28     Subject: Re:What do you think about my employers ?
NP here. sounds like the parents are really into baby wearing and this is their "subtle" way of telling you that they want you to wear their baby on your baby while you're caring for him. I think that if that is the case, and that is their criteria for selecting a care provider, they should make that up front when they interview a care provider. If you've already expressed your desire not to wear the baby in a sling then they should respect that and not try to give you a sling as a "gift."

I get why you're upset--it's not that they're giving you something you don't want, it's that they are using the pretense of a gift to try to sway you do to something you don't want.

Whether you are good hearted or a doormat to have helped them out is entirely a different matter, but as a parent, I would certainly have given a gift (financial and otherwise) to someone who provider that level of care for my child while I was having #2.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 16:18     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny, but I think you're being a jerk here. YOU offered to do all these things for free, sending a clear message that you are uncomfortable with compensation/tit-for-tat. The parents probably wracked their brain trying to come up with a gift you would accept, settled on this thinking that since it was related to kids and you supposedly did all of this out of love for their kids that it would be a fitting gift, and you snapped at her.

Figure out what you want. If you want to be like family and do all this out of the goodness of your heart, then do it, but don't be passive aggressive and rude because they didn't guess the right way to thank you. If what you really want is to be paid like a normal employee, then don't offer to work for free.[/quote

Exactly!
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 16:16     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
I think you are basically right about their choice in a gift being "off." If they want you to practice baby-wearing, they should provide you with a nice baby carrier and consider it simply part of the equipment in the house -- just like the baby swing, the kids' toys, etc. It's not a gift, exactly. And its not like you're going to keep it for ever and ever to use with other kids / your kids.

That said, this isn't a very big deal, in isolation. It was a poor judgement call, and that's all ... provided that you have a positive relationship in other matters. And it sounds like you do?

If you are worried that boundaries are blurred, I would gracefully find ways to assert the 'rules' ... but again, if your relationship is positive and you are pumped about this job, you want to be graceful about it. (Once you begin working for them again, I would stop offering child care for free, just to keep things clear for both parties. As an employer, I won't let my nanny volunteer her time, even though she tried a couple of times.)
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 16:11     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
You need to get over yourself OP. If you work for them then they should be paying you for all time you care for their kid(s). If you're not enforcing that you are making a mistake.

If you are friends with them then you will be complicating the working relationship.

You sound like a nightmare in the whole gift expectations/assumptions department. I don't get all the anger and entitlement. Let it go. It's just a freaking baby sling - they meant well, you don't want it, you've beaten this horse enough.

I can imagine their side of this and I bet it isn't good either. They're probably looking for alternate childcare options at this point.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 16:07     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
This sounds really manipulative. I think they expect you to do baby wearing because they're worried about their snowflake getting attention at daycare. Talk about a non-gift!!!
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 11:34     Subject: Re:What do you think about my employers ?
OP, you sound very high-maintenance. I'm glad I don't have anyone in my life who would make such a big deal out of a gift.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 11:34     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny, but I think you're being a jerk here. YOU offered to do all these things for free, sending a clear message that you are uncomfortable with compensation/tit-for-tat. The parents probably wracked their brain trying to come up with a gift you would accept, settled on this thinking that since it was related to kids and you supposedly did all of this out of love for their kids that it would be a fitting gift, and you snapped at her.

Figure out what you want. If you want to be like family and do all this out of the goodness of your heart, then do it, but don't be passive aggressive and rude because they didn't guess the right way to thank you. If what you really want is to be paid like a normal employee, then don't offer to work for free.


+1. You said that you have been seeing the family socially in the years between the time you provided paid care for the older child and paid care for the new baby. So this is a situation where the lines between friendship and employer-employee are blurred, in large part as a result of your expressed enthusiasm for voluntarily spending time with the older child as you would a niece, friend's child, etc. Yes, it would have been more appropriate for them to gift you with something more clearly for your personal enjoyment, as you say they've done in the past. Keep in mind,. though, that this woman just had a new baby. She may be planning another gift and just hasn't gotten to it yet. Also, my guess is that the woman is so immersed in new baby euphoria right now that she actually thought you would enjoy wearing a baby sling in a pretty fabric of your choice rather than hers. At any rate, you were rude to snap at her and should have been more gracious about accepting the gift (or declining it nicely if it is truly something you would never use).

Also, ask yourself if you secretly feel that the family should have insisted on paying you, regardless of your protestations. If so, stop playing games and just tell them you would prefer a strictly business relationship now that you are working for them again. If that isn't the case, just accept that the mother is a bit awkward about gifting and move on.


OP here.
I know the lines between employer-employee are blurred.
This doesn't happen with all of my employers but sometimes you get along more with some people and keep seeing each other afterwards.
I know I will try to put more boundaries in the future and not offer free days etc because I do it with my heart and honestly don't want anything in return, but if it creates problems then I just might not do it anymore.
I used to tell them "yes" to any request they had and this is the first time I say no to something they ask because I do not want to carry babies all the time and that they'll be more comfortable sleeping in their bed or being in a little chair with all of us.
Again, you're talking about a "gift" but it's really not one.
And "NO", I don't feel secretly that they should pay me or insist on paying me. My husband and I make a nice living, we live a simple life and have everything we need. It'd be hard for me to quantify affection for cash, that's why I never asked a dime when I occasionally have this kid over.

Anyways, thank you all for your messages.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 11:26     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:this story is getting more complicated every time OP posts something. now, if they asked you to carry the baby in a scarf and you repeatedly responded no, giving you a carrying scarf as a gift was really inappropriate, like a passive aggressive way of asking you AGAIN to carry the baby in the scarf. if this is the situation, instead of being angry (who cares about the gift, and you were not expecting it), you should seat down with them and go over their expectations and what you are willing to do. if they want their baby to be carried in a scarf all day, be taught yoga, been exposed to Mozart music 3 hours a day or whatever else they want, and you are not confortable with their requests, than it is clear that you are not the child care provider they need, and they are not the family you want to have as clients. no hard feelings, you can still be friends, but you cannot work for them.


OP here.

Indeed, I said no to carrying the baby in a scarf over the phone. So it was really annoying when she asked me AGAIN on Facebook.
She knows I have never carried any baby in my charge and didn't carry her daughter nor was I asked to.

When I give a present to someone, I make sure THEY like it. I don't think about how I would enjoy it myself.
All I see is that they want to buy something for their son and see the occasion to skip getting me a present by wrapping the whole thing up.

Again, I am just pissed at this attitude and about how cheap they can be (that's another topic I didn't want to bring up but they are).
I can buy myself anything I like so I don't care if I don't get a present, but I don't like being given something that's not for me. It doesn't make sense.

Anyways, this is the only thing we don't agree about. They liked how I helped raise their daughter and were happy to keep in touch once she went to school full time.
I'll have a talk with them soon (we're doing a Halloween party with the kids) and try to make sure they understand my point of view.

And to reply an earlier comment, I didn't snap at them in my reply, I just said "no, I do not want to use a scarf carrying your baby", I wasn't rude towards them as I like and respect them.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 09:51     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny, but I think you're being a jerk here. YOU offered to do all these things for free, sending a clear message that you are uncomfortable with compensation/tit-for-tat. The parents probably wracked their brain trying to come up with a gift you would accept, settled on this thinking that since it was related to kids and you supposedly did all of this out of love for their kids that it would be a fitting gift, and you snapped at her.

Figure out what you want. If you want to be like family and do all this out of the goodness of your heart, then do it, but don't be passive aggressive and rude because they didn't guess the right way to thank you. If what you really want is to be paid like a normal employee, then don't offer to work for free.


+1. You said they've given you nice gifts in the past that were for you and your husband and you also said you really didn't expect anything from her now. It might not have been the best choice in gifts but given their history it doesn't sound like it was intended as anything but a nice gesture. You were rude in your response to her and worse is that you are blowing it WAY out of proportion.


OP here.

How can it be a gift for ME if it'll benefit THEIR kid and that I said NO to carrying babies in a scarf ?
That's the only question I'm asking. And that's very rude from them !


You presumably spend all day with children and (soon their?) babies. It was very thoughtful and fair of them to assume that a sling would be a great gift that you would use frequently. Lighten up and realize that they were trying to do something nice for you, the fact that you are SO insulted that a gift (gift! Free! Not something they had to do!!!!) wasn't specifically tailored to you and your husbands exact tastes and needs is pretty alarming and immature. Do you cry at Christmas when you don't get the exact sweater you had asked for? That is how you are coming across here.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 08:19     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
this story is getting more complicated every time OP posts something. now, if they asked you to carry the baby in a scarf and you repeatedly responded no, giving you a carrying scarf as a gift was really inappropriate, like a passive aggressive way of asking you AGAIN to carry the baby in the scarf. if this is the situation, instead of being angry (who cares about the gift, and you were not expecting it), you should seat down with them and go over their expectations and what you are willing to do. if they want their baby to be carried in a scarf all day, be taught yoga, been exposed to Mozart music 3 hours a day or whatever else they want, and you are not confortable with their requests, than it is clear that you are not the child care provider they need, and they are not the family you want to have as clients. no hard feelings, you can still be friends, but you cannot work for them.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 04:14     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny, but I think you're being a jerk here. YOU offered to do all these things for free, sending a clear message that you are uncomfortable with compensation/tit-for-tat. The parents probably wracked their brain trying to come up with a gift you would accept, settled on this thinking that since it was related to kids and you supposedly did all of this out of love for their kids that it would be a fitting gift, and you snapped at her.

Figure out what you want. If you want to be like family and do all this out of the goodness of your heart, then do it, but don't be passive aggressive and rude because they didn't guess the right way to thank you. If what you really want is to be paid like a normal employee, then don't offer to work for free.


OP here.
Like another poster said, I made myself a doormat, that's for sure and my husband says I should change. He's right!

Anyways, I NEVER offered to carry any of the babies I'm in charge of with a scarf. Never ever. She asked me if I would want to do it, I said no. And there she goes asking me AGAIN !
And this time - for the first time - I get enough courage to say NO and being a little sharp about it because it really got on my nerves that they want to appear generous and give me something that would actually be for their own kid.
I don't see why they would "wreck their brain trying to come up with a gift", I'm not a complicated person and she never asked my husband for gift ideas if she needed any.

Now besides that, they are easy and nice to work with, that's why I agreed to take care of their second child.


This is the reason people are saying you are over reacting and being the jerk. Ok, so you don't like the gift they picked out or don't really consider it a gift since it's to benefit their child. You went on and on in your first post about how they have been like family etc. If that's really true then you need to cut them some slack considering they just had a baby and they've never been like this in the past. It's one thing to complain a little when you don't like a gift but the way you are going on and on is not a normal reaction to someone you have considered is like family. If you don't want a relationship with them anymore then don't have one and tell them you can't watch the new baby but otherwise get over the fact that you didn't get a gift you like. You come across as bitter that you weren't compensated well enough to watch the older child but yet you keep saying you didn't expect to be paid. Which is it?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 03:14     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny, but I think you're being a jerk here. YOU offered to do all these things for free, sending a clear message that you are uncomfortable with compensation/tit-for-tat. The parents probably wracked their brain trying to come up with a gift you would accept, settled on this thinking that since it was related to kids and you supposedly did all of this out of love for their kids that it would be a fitting gift, and you snapped at her.

Figure out what you want. If you want to be like family and do all this out of the goodness of your heart, then do it, but don't be passive aggressive and rude because they didn't guess the right way to thank you. If what you really want is to be paid like a normal employee, then don't offer to work for free.


+1. You said they've given you nice gifts in the past that were for you and your husband and you also said you really didn't expect anything from her now. It might not have been the best choice in gifts but given their history it doesn't sound like it was intended as anything but a nice gesture. You were rude in your response to her and worse is that you are blowing it WAY out of proportion.


OP here.

How can it be a gift for ME if it'll benefit THEIR kid and that I said NO to carrying babies in a scarf ?
That's the only question I'm asking. And that's very rude from them !
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 03:12     Subject: What do you think about my employers ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny, but I think you're being a jerk here. YOU offered to do all these things for free, sending a clear message that you are uncomfortable with compensation/tit-for-tat. The parents probably wracked their brain trying to come up with a gift you would accept, settled on this thinking that since it was related to kids and you supposedly did all of this out of love for their kids that it would be a fitting gift, and you snapped at her.

Figure out what you want. If you want to be like family and do all this out of the goodness of your heart, then do it, but don't be passive aggressive and rude because they didn't guess the right way to thank you. If what you really want is to be paid like a normal employee, then don't offer to work for free.


+1. You said that you have been seeing the family socially in the years between the time you provided paid care for the older child and paid care for the new baby. So this is a situation where the lines between friendship and employer-employee are blurred, in large part as a result of your expressed enthusiasm for voluntarily spending time with the older child as you would a niece, friend's child, etc. Yes, it would have been more appropriate for them to gift you with something more clearly for your personal enjoyment, as you say they've done in the past. Keep in mind,. though, that this woman just had a new baby. She may be planning another gift and just hasn't gotten to it yet. Also, my guess is that the woman is so immersed in new baby euphoria right now that she actually thought you would enjoy wearing a baby sling in a pretty fabric of your choice rather than hers. At any rate, you were rude to snap at her and should have been more gracious about accepting the gift (or declining it nicely if it is truly something you would never use).

Also, ask yourself if you secretly feel that the family should have insisted on paying you, regardless of your protestations. If so, stop playing games and just tell them you would prefer a strictly business relationship now that you are working for them again. If that isn't the case, just accept that the mother is a bit awkward about gifting and move on.


+2