OP, I would avoid taking any advice from the amateur psychologist who told you to google attachment issues. The behavior you are seeing doesn't even remotely pass the litmus test for that. Her mother works at home and you are there 35 hours a week. What you're seeing is normal 3 year old behavior along with some extra sibling jealousy and a normal desire for *all* the attention.

You're a fine nanny.

Have you ever tried letting roll of. Your back? If she says to you... You are stupid. I would say... I'm not stupid, that hurts my feelings. Don't say that any more... Or of she says I hope your siblings die ( which is strange and extreme) I would say well I'm glad they are still Alive because I love them!... And in this house we speak life not death! If she calls you a b*tch... Say well... Those are female dogs and I am definitely a lady not a dog! Please don't use cruel language any more!

Just a thought. I would ignore all the yelling screaming stuff but when she addresses you this is how I would reply!

Anonymous wrote:14:58, thank you!! I really appreciate your honesty. I probably do sound a little ridiculous, but maybe I secretly feel like I'm doing something wrong because she'll get so randomly nasty with me. It's always been hard for me to not take it personally when a kid is mean to me - I know that's stupid and unprofessional, and it's something I'm getting away from, it's just been a bit of a long transition. I think your suggest to ask how they want me to handle her tantrums is a fantastic one, and you seem to understand that peace of mind that is needed. The mom did say recently she really likes how I correct her, so I'm sure I'm fine and if they have a nanny cam they aren't bothered by what they see...you're right, I am being a bit ridiculous with this anxiety. I think I just start obsessing about things in my own head and then imagine some scenario that doesn't even make sense in the real world!

Thanks again, I feel a lot better!

PP here--glad you feel better!

I totally get what you're saying though, because I do the same sometimes, too. I definitely allow myself to become too emotional in response to my DC's negative behavior (as far as getting internally frustrated-which does sometimes translate on my face and body language, I'm sure!). I also take things too personally than I should, and get my feelings hurt by things the kids say, as dumb as that sounds. For example, I've been with this family for a yr-and-a-half now, so not too long but a good amt of time, and on days when the mom is popping in and out of the house and one of my DC's refuses to come by me at all b/c she is hanging on to mom's leg, I totally feel hurt for a minute, and have to logically talk myself out of the feeling. I feel ridiculous, b/c of course kids want their mom more than anyone (i know there are rare cases where the parents are never home and/or kids prefer nanny for whatever reason, but that is unusual, I feel). However, I DO also think it is somewhat of a natural instant reaction to feel "rejected," for lack of a better word, b/c, as nannies, we spend so much time with these kids, being the sole provider at their home for 10-some odd hours every day, and we instinctively invest a ton of our energy/time/love/money/etc in their little lives. So when it seems like all that flies out of the window the instant you are replaced by mom (or whomever) or they say something mean and hurtful, it CAN sting momentarily!

All this to say, I know where you're coming from, haha, and can understand your frustration! GL next week with your DC! I am sure you are a wonderful nanny, and she will grow out of the tantrums soon enough!

Its normal three year old behavior. Don't worry, its not you. We just put our three year old in her room and tell her to let us know when she is done. The time out gives too much attention. Let her have her fit and don't respond except to help her in her room.

I feel you! Sometimes I need to count to more than 10 to calmly react to my 2 year old charge - and my MB says to me I like how you calmly handle his behaviour! (sometimes I don't feel so calm!)

My style is to take the child away from the situation. Not so much time out in a chair or on a step but more "thats not the correct behaviour, let me pop you in another room to calm down/ have time to think. You can come back when you are ready to eat nicely/ talk nicely/ have calmed down ect". Taking them outside the room helps defuse the situation and gives me a chance to breath/ calm down as well as giving my charge a chance to calm down.

when your charge gets into one of her moods why don't you try popping her in a safe place and waiting it out? If she still has a cot this is a great place. You can go in every few minutes (or less) and say "are you ready to come and play nicely?" and if she says no or is rude you can just say "ok, well I'll come back in a little while and see if you are ready".

I'm torn between ignoring behavious I don't like and try to do this for smaller/ less important behaviours (pick your battles, right?) and taking a stand for things that are unacceptable. Ie not being gentle with a sibling is an unacceptable behaviour and I will move to another room, and while moving say "we are gentle with X" or "in our family it is not acceptable to hit the baby"

Hope you have a lovely long weekend!

I'm laughing at how "she can smell this on you" sums up beautifully what I took three paragraphs to say!

Glad you're getting a bit of a break for a few days. Enjoy the time away...

15:26 - LOL, you are so right, and my boyfriend has told me this. I remember when I first started I came home and was upset because she had told her mom at some point she didn't want me to come over ever again or something like that and I figured it meant I was a bad nanny. And he said "See what you're doing right now? She can smell this on you. It's just going to get worse if you keep letting her bother you."

I don't want my own anxiety issues to rub off on her. I know that my reactions are not the ONLY reason that she's gets in that mood or pushes my buttons, but I don't think a reaction of being hurt helps at all. I'd like to think that I've gotten really good at faking a lack of emotion/concern when she starts insulting me, but I'm going to try to be more mindful of it. You are right that if it's gotten worse than it's likely something I'm doing. I have been wondering for a while if she doesn't realize that I'm the one in charge, and if she thinks that she can hurt me with just a few words then it may have very easily given the wrong frame for the relationship.

I have a 5 day weekend which I think I really needed, but I'm going to go in on Tuesday and try to be all proactive with not giving ANY attention for the bad stuff. I'm confident that I give her lots of positive praise and she responds well to that, but since the nasty stuff is still happening I think I'm giving her too much power. Thanks for the advice!

Anonymous wrote:14:58, thank you!! I really appreciate your honesty. I probably do sound a little ridiculous, but maybe I secretly feel like I'm doing something wrong because she'll get so randomly nasty with me. It's always been hard for me to not take it personally when a kid is mean to me - I know that's stupid and unprofessional, and it's something I'm getting away from, it's just been a bit of a long transition. I think your suggest to ask how they want me to handle her tantrums is a fantastic one, and you seem to understand that peace of mind that is needed. The mom did say recently she really likes how I correct her, so I'm sure I'm fine and if they have a nanny cam they aren't bothered by what they see...you're right, I am being a bit ridiculous with this anxiety. I think I just start obsessing about things in my own head and then imagine some scenario that doesn't even make sense in the real world!

Thanks again, I feel a lot better!

OP, I think you're doing just fine and it sounds like you have a good relationship w/ the parents. Based on some of your comments above I'd say that you possibly are taking things too personally, though I think that's also a reflection of your commitment and caring. But I will say that in my opinion kids are like animals - they can smell fear, anxiety, weakness, etc... So if this little girl is aware that she can push your buttons she will. If she's getting worse since you've been with her I think it's possible that she is learning just how to get under your skin - for whatever purposes (attention, getting her way, attention, displacement of other anger in the household she can't process, attention, etc...)

So maybe you need to try to defuse your own triggers a bit, at least try to fake a total lack of concern or emotion around her behavior. Perhaps if her behavior stops getting so much of a reaction she'll try to find other tactics. Try to aggressively reward behaviors you like (and it sounds like you get a lot of that) with attention and give her absolutely no emotion or attention for the nastier stuff.

Not that this is a groundbreaking idea you wouldn't have though of. It's just that the way you frame your own thinking above made me think that this girl has really figured out how to push your buttons so if you're more conscious of that you might be able to rob her of her power, and you of the aggravation.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

There's tons of research about how critical it is for very young children (especially 0-3) to maintain safe and secure bonds with their primary caregivers. We don't like to talk about it much because we love the work we do. Parents here often get into spastic attacks about it and immediately get super defensive.

Do you think she has a lack of attachment to me? Or are you saying it's because she's had so many nannies already?

And, about 35 on average.

It's not a personal thing OP. When a caregiver is introduced into a child's life they very naturally trust them to fulfill their needs and form bonds. Each time a caregiver leaves and the bond is broken, it makes it more difficult for the child to form natural bonds and to trust caregivers. If this little girl has had the carousel of caregivers that you describe, and additionally is feeling unsure about her place in her own family at the addition of the baby, she is certainly apt to have some attachment issues. I think you're on the right track by trying to help her relationship with her baby brother. She needs to feel secure about her place in the family and not see him as a threat. Let her help you with him, tell her what a wonderful big sister she is, praise her when she acts kindly toward him, and give her special "big girl" attention when he is sleeping. She also needs to see that she will not get the attention she desires by acting out, only through positive behavior.

14:58, thank you!! I really appreciate your honesty. I probably do sound a little ridiculous, but maybe I secretly feel like I'm doing something wrong because she'll get so randomly nasty with me. It's always been hard for me to not take it personally when a kid is mean to me - I know that's stupid and unprofessional, and it's something I'm getting away from, it's just been a bit of a long transition. I think your suggest to ask how they want me to handle her tantrums is a fantastic one, and you seem to understand that peace of mind that is needed. The mom did say recently she really likes how I correct her, so I'm sure I'm fine and if they have a nanny cam they aren't bothered by what they see...you're right, I am being a bit ridiculous with this anxiety. I think I just start obsessing about things in my own head and then imagine some scenario that doesn't even make sense in the real world!

Thanks again, I feel a lot better!

I think you're being ridiculous, and I say that in the nicest way possible, truly. Having to close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath is bad?? Yikes! Then I would be a REALLY bad nanny, most likely!! Everyone-including nannies-loses their cool at SOME point in their lives when working with kids. This sounds like you are not even getting to that level, you are using tools to prevent from that happening (closing eyes, breathing, etc), which is even better.

I understand what you mean about parents thinking nannies are perfect/capable of blocking any negative human emotions, but any normal mom or dad would never get mad or think about firing you if what you described is all they saw on a nannycam!! Especially if the child in question is acting as you say your DC does! I would NOT feel bad. Instead, I would talk with the parents (if you havent already) to see how they want you to handle her tantrums, in order to possibly have more peace of mind that you are handling everything just fine. From what it seems like, I am here to tell you--keep up the good work! Sounds like a VERY difficult position to be in, esp with the mom working from home (not that that's bad or hard for everyone), so kudos to you for sticking with it.

There's tons of research about how critical it is for very young children (especially 0-3) to maintain safe and secure bonds with their primary caregivers. We don't like to talk about it much because we love the work we do. Parents here often get into spastic attacks about it and immediately get super defensive.

Do you think she has a lack of attachment to me? Or are you saying it's because she's had so many nannies already?

And, about 35 on average.