Anonymous
04/10/2014 07:38
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
My children adore our nanny, and she loves them right back. I don't have a problem with this or with either of them saying it to the other. But I do think that the nature of nannying means boundaries are difficult sometimes. For instance, our nanny is leaving soon to go back to Australia where she's from and I'm sure her departure is going to be devastating all around. Nonetheless, I've noticed a theme developing where she tries to imply that they prefer her to me, and even challenging them directly if they say they missed me or were looking for me when they got home. It's bizarre and inappropriate and indicates an insecurity on her part that requires her to feel indispensable.
Anonymous
05/03/2013 22:19
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
Jealousy - Resentment & Control.
She feels it's her rightful domain and probably the only thing left she feels she can control in her life - the nanny.
She is denying herself, you and her child something as natural as love.
She needs a reality check.
Stick up for yourself and the child. It will make her angry then embarrased then feel stupid that she suggested something so crazy. If you take it she just grows into more of a control freak crazy mom.
She feels it's her rightful domain and probably the only thing left she feels she can control in her life - the nanny.
She is denying herself, you and her child something as natural as love.
She needs a reality check.
Stick up for yourself and the child. It will make her angry then embarrased then feel stupid that she suggested something so crazy. If you take it she just grows into more of a control freak crazy mom.
Anonymous
05/03/2013 22:05
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
I guess the Barney show is off limits in this case.
Anonymous
05/03/2013 00:23
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
What?
I tell my charges I love them all the time. Their parents are sane, so have no issue with it. These children need love, what kind of cold relationship does this MB want? It's nuts to me. Yes it's a professional relationship, but telling a child you love them when you do is not crossing any lines. It's healthy.
Mom sounds like a jealous nut job. Poor kid.
I tell my charges I love them all the time. Their parents are sane, so have no issue with it. These children need love, what kind of cold relationship does this MB want? It's nuts to me. Yes it's a professional relationship, but telling a child you love them when you do is not crossing any lines. It's healthy.
Mom sounds like a jealous nut job. Poor kid.
Anonymous
05/02/2013 15:07
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
I had this problem,this families think because their pay you ,you can't have the love of the kids,this is very stupid,I just start new job,but I'm very scary to demonstrate my love to the kids.
nannydebsays
05/02/2013 14:08
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
Anonymous wrote:As a nanny, I have never told a child I LOVED them.
Nannies must respect certain boundaries and remain professional.
Not necessarily aloof, but professional.
It is a JOB. Many forget this.
I think your Mom Boss is within her rights. It has absolutely nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with your lack of professionalism.
I am not sure that being a professional nanny means refusing to tell your charges you love them. That sounds horrid, cold, and insensitive, frankly.
You can have boundaries, you can maintain your privacy, respect your employers, whatever, and still be human enough to accept that a child you are with 50 or so hours a week is a child with whom you will develop a bond. I tell my charges (current and former!) that I love them, because it's true. I wouldn't be able to be a nanny for a family that didn't allow me to tell the kids I loved them.
OP, I hope you can work through this and that your MB gets to a place where she accepts that a child being loved by many people is a good thing.
Anonymous
05/02/2013 12:34
Subject: Re:I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
I think different people expect different things from a nanny. I personally am thrilled to have a nanny who loves my children. She tells me all the time that she loves them and while they are too young to say it back at this point, if/when they do it would make me happy. Of course, like a PP poster, I am very secure in my role as their mother. I know that no matter how much they love their nanny that she can't replace me. I would rather have someone who truly cares about them than somone who sees it as "just a job." Unfortunately though there are many insecure people in this world and this MB sounds like one of them.
Anonymous
05/01/2013 23:19
Subject: Re:I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
Okay look.
Are you all seriously arguing that when a child says "I love you" to someone they are close with, that person should break the kid's heart by NOT returning the sentiment? ARE YOU FOR REAL?
The nanny isn't the one who said it first. She isn't goading him into saying it. She is reciprocating affection when he expresses it, which is the only decent thing to do with a young child. You prefer instead that he should feel like someone he loves dearly is not impressed enough with him to love him in return?
I would never work for an MB who would say that. I would never hire a nanny who believed that was okay.
Are you all seriously arguing that when a child says "I love you" to someone they are close with, that person should break the kid's heart by NOT returning the sentiment? ARE YOU FOR REAL?
The nanny isn't the one who said it first. She isn't goading him into saying it. She is reciprocating affection when he expresses it, which is the only decent thing to do with a young child. You prefer instead that he should feel like someone he loves dearly is not impressed enough with him to love him in return?
I would never work for an MB who would say that. I would never hire a nanny who believed that was okay.
Anonymous
05/01/2013 22:37
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
Anonymous wrote:I agree that she's jealous but I can also see some merit to the argument. Aside from you, he has likely only heard "I love you" from parents or family members, all of which are constants in his life and people he should form permanent bonds with. You will no longer be a constant in his life soon, and it may be confusing to him since you said "I love you" but are no longer around.
+1 Exactly my thought.
Also OP, your employer never said you couldn't LOVE your charge, or shouldn't love him. She said please do not SAY it to him.
Anonymous
05/01/2013 21:30
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
Anonymous wrote:Jeez, I'm sorry. I'm an MB. My kids love our nanny to pieces and she loves them right back. I can't imagine being so insecure as to be upset by what you described.
I guess you do have to respect her wishes but maybe if you have a good enough relationship with her otherwise you could talk w/ her a bit more. Maybe something like "I, obviously, will do as you ask. I do want you to know though that I'm not being dishonest when I tell him I love him - I actually do. I'm a nanny because I love kids and your son is very dear to me. He's a (insert some genuine reasons why the kid is lovable to you) little boy and even though I'm his nanny, not a parent, and possibly only in his life for a short time, I care deeply for him. I hope that is ok with you."
I would hope that an MB, even if deeply insecure, might respond to someone saying they care about her child, while simultaneously respecting her primacy and the difference in roles.
Also, there are other ways you can respond very warmly to the child that let him feel loved and special (as I'm sure you do a 100 times a day) so being asked not to use those three words doesn't mean he can't feel cherished by you.
But overall this kind of stinks for you, and him. And actually, probably for the horrifically insecure mother as well.
+1 great response. I am a MB too. When I first had an AP taking care of my first child I would get upset because she was very affectionate with DC. Yes, I admit, it was jealousy. I have to work full time and she got to be with my DC all day and I got DC for an hour in the morning and a couple of hours in the evening. I struggled with whether I should say anything to her. Ironically, a similar issue came up on a previous thread on DCUM and it helped me "see the light." A poster mentioned that she would be thrilled to know that her DC was surrounded by loving people, and that is what changed my perspective. I no longer viewed the relationship with jealousy, but rather what was best for my DC - which is to be surrounded by love all day every day.
I'm sorry your MB doesn't have the same perspective. I know it is a job and I know people come and go, but that is true throughout life. I don't think people should hold back loving and expressing love for another simply because life might take you in different directions. I think the advice above is great. And, perhaps she will come to understand that the more love her DS is surrounded by and is expressed to him, the more fulfilling his life will be. Good luck.
Anonymous
05/01/2013 21:18
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
Anonymous wrote:I would willingly tell a child in my care that I loved him or her; it would be sincere. I realize that the love I feel for that child is not the same type of love that his mother feels for him, but the same would be true of family friends or aunts or whomever. Don't you want your caretaker to love your children?
+1 I wouldn't want to work for someone who wouldn't let me tell her child I love him if he said it to me. I remember my heart practically exploding when my charge told me she loved me. A child's love is so innocent and sweet. I don't understand a parent who doesn't want the nanny to love their child.
Anonymous
05/01/2013 19:09
Subject: Re:I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
Anonymous wrote:I'd be giving the MB a lesson on love- the various Greek words/meanings of it, how it is not a limited resource, and that yes- children do know what love is FOR THEM and say it when they mean it.
Parents should be more concerned if there is no love between a child/nanny, especially after months/years of spending. Lot of time together.
The last thing our world needs is children growing up being taught not to love/feel.
Riiiiiiiight.
Anonymous
05/01/2013 18:58
Subject: Re:I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
I'd be giving the MB a lesson on love- the various Greek words/meanings of it, how it is not a limited resource, and that yes- children do know what love is FOR THEM and say it when they mean it.
Parents should be more concerned if there is no love between a child/nanny, especially after months/years of spending. Lot of time together.
The last thing our world needs is children growing up being taught not to love/feel.
Parents should be more concerned if there is no love between a child/nanny, especially after months/years of spending. Lot of time together.
The last thing our world needs is children growing up being taught not to love/feel.
Anonymous
05/01/2013 16:02
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
I would willingly tell a child in my care that I loved him or her; it would be sincere. I realize that the love I feel for that child is not the same type of love that his mother feels for him, but the same would be true of family friends or aunts or whomever. Don't you want your caretaker to love your children?
Anonymous
05/01/2013 15:46
Subject: I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.
MB here - maybe mom has some issues with boundaries being violated in the past so she's extra sensitive. I agree that it's good for kids to express love and feel love from those close to them. It's an innocent thing at that age and I wouldn't want to discourage it. My nanny tells me our son says "I love you" all the time and she tells me she loves him. In my mind that's WHY we chose a nanny over some other options. I want him to feel that bond. That said, your MB is within her rights to ask that you not say it. It's her child. Maybe you could say something like "you're very important to me too" that acknowledges the child's sentiment. Sorry OP, that's a tough one.