Anonymous wrote:I would rematch. We gutted it out with a second au pair who was very similar to what you describe and I so wish we hadn't. By the end the kids hated time with her and so did we. What a difference with our new au pair who is committed, engaged, interested and nice to be around. We enjoy time together and are so impressed with how hard she is working with school that we offered to pay 50% of any classes she takes even though we have passed our education commitment. There are definitely great matches out there.

Thanks PP (I'm the OP). A month or so later and the kids are liking her less and less - they are whining that they don't want to be with her and she's not engaging with them at all. Thanks for the encouragement.

I would rematch. We gutted it out with a second au pair who was very similar to what you describe and I so wish we hadn't. By the end the kids hated time with her and so did we. What a difference with our new au pair who is committed, engaged, interested and nice to be around. We enjoy time together and are so impressed with how hard she is working with school that we offered to pay 50% of any classes she takes even though we have passed our education commitment. There are definitely great matches out there.

Anonymous wrote:Are you really complaining about the au-pair not going out and not being out of the house more often?

No, I'm not. I'm complaining that she's not a good caretaker for my kids.

Are you really complaining about the au-pair not going out and not being out of the house more often?

I'm the OP and we haven't really seen any improvement. The couple things we have tried to talk to her about she just really doesn't get what we're asking. And really it's the little things that bug me - like when my almost 3yo tells her a story, she barely acknowledges him. She just says "yeah, great." He's starting to look disappointed. My 6yo asked if we could not have another au pair after this one. I'm having a reset conversation at the end of this week.

Use more hours. Take a few hours to go on a date or even a few hours to yourself to get list at Target!

Give her chores around the house that are kid related...meal prep, vacuum kids rooms, prep educational crafts or activities.

Maybe she's bored with such little hours.

Tell her to shape up or you will rematch.

I pick girls who mention going out with friends when we talk. I don't want a party animal, but someone who is social, fun, eager to explore our city, etc. They know when to work and when to go have fun. Our most recent AP met other au pairs (from Germany, Austria, Sweden and NZ) at a local park while picnicing with 2 new friends the other day during school hours. They are planning a playdate with my kids after school next week. Win Win.

we are also in a sticking-it-out situation. Due to safety concerns, we have taken a lot of tasks away from the AP and as a result she is limited in her options as to what to do with the kids. However, this has now resulted in her being completely paralyzed instead of making the best of the circumstances. However, she created the new circumstances (and we would have rematched was it not for the 2 months left on the contract).
Has anyone gone through this and how did you help the AP to do the best under the new circumstances?

Anonymous wrote:I get the impression a lot you are complaining about the au pair being a member of the family.
When you are in a strange country surrounded by unfamiliar language and customs, wondering around the city alone can seem daunting. Also, you must find the classes for them. You really cannot expect her to find a class on her own, and one that is free or at least affordable. Some au pairs are free during the day, this is not the norm. You have to help this person find those contacts. Some make friends instantly, and in some cultures there is no such thing as instant friendship. An au pair could find it difficult to make friends with an au who is not from her country and does not speak her language.

This is the OP. I'm actually not complaining about the "part of the family" stuff - as I said in my post, it's her laziness and inability to put the kids first while she's working. While on duty, she does the bare minimum, doesn't really engage the kids, and completely lacks initiative to plan anything. That's my issue. I brought up what she does in her free time (that is, nothing). Because its indicative of her overall personality. Believe me, if she was great at her job, I wouldn't care a bit if she spent the rest of her time sleeping.

But that said, I don't really agree with your post on other points either. We're not supposed to find the classes for our APs. We happily give suggestions and get them started, but both of mine have found theirs from their friends and the LCC. I totally agree that it's difficult for some people to find and make friends and its difficult to live in another culture. But if you have so much difficulty with these things that you are miserable for your AP year and do a terrible job wth the kids, then you shouldn't be an AP. It's not for everyone.

I get the impression a lot you are complaining about the au pair being a member of the family.
When you are in a strange country surrounded by unfamiliar language and customs, wondering around the city alone can seem daunting. Also, you must find the classes for them. You really cannot expect her to find a class on her own, and one that is free or at least affordable. Some au pairs are free during the day, this is not the norm. You have to help this person find those contacts. Some make friends instantly, and in some cultures there is no such thing as instant friendship. An au pair could find it difficult to make friends with an au who is not from her country and does not speak her language.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it almost contributed to her laziness - she literally will sleep or be on her computer all day until she has the kids in the afternoon. Maaaaybe she'll drive to meet her friend at Starbucks for an hour. I want to scream "you are in a great city totally free of responsibilities and you have literally all day until 3pm to do whatever you want and you use it to sleep, sit in Starbucks, and Skype with friends back home??"

She also goes out until really really late at night, I assume because she doesn't need to wake up at all the next morning, and I think that's contributing to her fatigue during the day - she's always complaining that she didn't sleep well and doesn't feel good. I was hoping she'd use all that free time to check out the city or go to class or something. But I think it's just aided her laziness.

This has definitely been a learning year for me.

But what is a girl to do when there is no-one to do something with.
I understand the going out at night. That is when she can meet with the au pairs she has met through the program. But what to do during the day? Wonder about the city all alone?

Take a class - of any type would be a good start.

I'm the OP. There are actually lots of au pairs to school aged children that are free during at least some of the day. As the PP mentioned, there are also classes. My first AP actually did do some alone wandering and actually met lots of people. There are tons of things you could do. But as I mentioned, I won't have my next AP off so much during the day. She definitely doesn't have enough to do. So maybe you're right that there aren't great opportunities all the time during the day and she would have been happier working.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it almost contributed to her laziness - she literally will sleep or be on her computer all day until she has the kids in the afternoon. Maaaaybe she'll drive to meet her friend at Starbucks for an hour. I want to scream "you are in a great city totally free of responsibilities and you have literally all day until 3pm to do whatever you want and you use it to sleep, sit in Starbucks, and Skype with friends back home??"

She also goes out until really really late at night, I assume because she doesn't need to wake up at all the next morning, and I think that's contributing to her fatigue during the day - she's always complaining that she didn't sleep well and doesn't feel good. I was hoping she'd use all that free time to check out the city or go to class or something. But I think it's just aided her laziness.

This has definitely been a learning year for me.

But what is a girl to do when there is no-one to do something with.
I understand the going out at night. That is when she can meet with the au pairs she has met through the program. But what to do during the day? Wonder about the city all alone?

Take a class - of any type would be a good start.

Anonymous wrote:
I think it almost contributed to her laziness - she literally will sleep or be on her computer all day until she has the kids in the afternoon. Maaaaybe she'll drive to meet her friend at Starbucks for an hour. I want to scream "you are in a great city totally free of responsibilities and you have literally all day until 3pm to do whatever you want and you use it to sleep, sit in Starbucks, and Skype with friends back home??"

She also goes out until really really late at night, I assume because she doesn't need to wake up at all the next morning, and I think that's contributing to her fatigue during the day - she's always complaining that she didn't sleep well and doesn't feel good. I was hoping she'd use all that free time to check out the city or go to class or something. But I think it's just aided her laziness.

This has definitely been a learning year for me.

But what is a girl to do when there is no-one to do something with.
I understand the going out at night. That is when she can meet with the au pairs she has met through the program. But what to do during the day? Wonder about the city all alone?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm just read over that last post and it sounds kind mean. I apologize. Again, I'm hoping there are host parents out there that see the mental state I'm in with this. Obviously she can do whatever she wants with her free time. But I think it's telling of her overall personality that she sleeps/Skypes all day instead of exploring the city and making friends - she displays similar initiative and excitement with the kids.

No mean at all. I totally get your frustration. I posted earlier (second post on this thread). My AP is near a great city too but she spends it holed up in her room and it drives me mad! GO OUT, EXPLORE!! Do you know what I would do if I had the opportunity? Its so frustrating to watch. As i said, for me its less than two more months and I am COUNTING THE DAYS!

+1 My first AP was the same -NEVER left the house or made friends. She was a great AP, the kids loved her and she stayed for two years, but by the second half of the second year I was in a similar mental state. I couldn't understand why anyone would choose to stay home all the time. Luckily AP is more social and has developed friends in a short amount of time.

My DCs are young, so we use all 45 hours. Next year they will start preschool and I've already talked to my AP about taking classes during the day to fill her free time. Thank you for sharing this. I never thought a 25 hour week would be a problem.

Wishing you the best OP.