I'm the poster whose host mom was annoyed that I had my breakfast when I came to the kitchen every morning.

It would have been easier if she had told me to come up earlier so that I can have breakfast before starting the day.

I was a young au pair, just leaving my family back home, while she had several au pairs before, it was my 1st job and 1st experience living with another family than mine.
Different rules etc.

I didn't understand why she got annoyed by it because I would eat in like 5 min and was ready otherwise (showered and dressed). But if she had told me, I would have understood.

Please don't take that for laziness ... Some of us au pairs need time to adjust to your rules

If you tell her she has to eat her breakfast with kids, then that is her start time.

Anonymous wrote:I've had this situation and explained to the au pair that if she is starting at a time when the kids will still be eating breakfast I would welcome her eating her breakfast with them but if she is starting after thei breakfast time she should be ready to hit the ground running at start time with whatever the kids are up to in their day. This is completely reasonable.

I've had 4 Au pairs and I completely agree with this. And it is a big deal. It speaks to how,much the Au pair cares about doing a decent job, the job that she was explicitly told to do. If she slacks off on even the most basic requirements, such as being ready to start the day on time, it's time to,sit down and have a come to Jesus because it goes nowhere good from here. You can be nice when you explain (again) what the handbook says, but you need to be clear and firm that you expect her to follow those rules. Period.

OP her work day starts at 10. As others have said it would be fine for her to eat with them if they were still eating. By 10 AM though they are on to other things. She needs to be ready to start her work day with them at 10. This includes interacting with them.

The kids were 8 and 11. I guess that would be different with younger kids I would have understood that I needed to take care of the younger kids before my own needs ...

Anonymous wrote:I was an AP a few years ago. I would come up at 7.45am as requested. The kids were having breakfast (made by their mom) and I said hello and started my own breakfast ...
What else do you expect me to do if kids are having their own breakfast ...
One morning, I saw that she was annoyed by that and honestly I truly felt bad ... So I stopped having breakfast and would have it after dropping the kids off to school.

No need to say this family never did any effort to treat me as family. It doesn't take long to have breakfast, maybe 8-10 minutes ... Depending on the age of the kids, you can perfectly have it with them.

I truly felt I was left out ...

It would have been different if she had asked me to come up lets say 15 min before. I was never working the full 45 hours anyway, I don't see where the problem was.

For me it might depend on the age of the kids. My kids are young so when they are eating I am refilling milk cups, cleaning up spills, getting the 1 year old things broken up into small bits. The only way it would bother me is if I still had to be "on duty" when I needed to be leaving for work, if the au pair was eating instead of doing these things. If the kids are self sufficient, it wouldn't bother me at all unless there's other things that should be done (packing lunches, etc.).

I was an AP a few years ago. I would come up at 7.45am as requested. The kids were having breakfast (made by their mom) and I said hello and started my own breakfast ...
What else do you expect me to do if kids are having their own breakfast ...
One morning, I saw that she was annoyed by that and honestly I truly felt bad ... So I stopped having breakfast and would have it after dropping the kids off to school.

No need to say this family never did any effort to treat me as family. It doesn't take long to have breakfast, maybe 8-10 minutes ... Depending on the age of the kids, you can perfectly have it with them.

I truly felt I was left out ...

It would have been different if she had asked me to come up lets say 15 min before. I was never working the full 45 hours anyway, I don't see where the problem was.

I disagree.

I would tell her to be fed, dressed and ready to go before she's on. 10AM is late enough that this is reasonable.

She's ending later in the day, therefore, her "me" time is earlier, or she's choosing to sleep in. 10 hours is a long day in childcare. You SHOULD NOT expect her to be 100% dressed & fed by 10am like you don't expected her to be 100% dressed & fed by 8am.

Let it go

Anonymous wrote:Being a host parent seems like so much work and diligence.

Being a host parent is likely no different than having a nanny or even potentially issues you would have with daycare. The difference I think is how you handle it b/c while au pair is an employee they are also part of the family. Makes some things easier, some things harder. But it is work - work that is well worth it in my opinion for the care our son receives and how much he learns about other countries, and the flexibility that we have in terms of scheduling.

Why do all these awful people even bother to comment? It's just not useful at all - leave this forum! If only aupairmom were a forum and not a blog, people are actually helpful there.

Anonymous wrote:How's her job performance when she's on the clock?

13:11 here. Her job performance is excellent. And yes, 13:16, it IS exactly what she came here for....in addition to taking excellent care of our children and being an integral part of our family for the year she is here. See - the AP program can and often does work really well for BOTH parties. AP works hard and provides excellent childcare and support for the family, and HF provides many comforts and perks that make AP's year what ours often say is the best year of their lives.

I'm sorry for the "slave" poster who seems so stuck on her tired old story even though it doesn't seem to fit most of the scenarios shared on here. I do not feel sorry at all for our AP, who is having the time of her life, nor do I feel sorry for us, who are overjoyed to have her as part of our family for the year and really grateful for the excellent care she provides our children.

Being a host parent seems like so much work and diligence.

OP here. To those of you that provided valuable feedback, I really appreciate it. I completely agree to not let it fester and to address up front before the next schedule shift AND in the guidebook the next time that we get a new AP.