Anonymous wrote:My nanny brings crap into my house...in the guise of it being 'for my kids'...not kidding, she does it all.the.time.

I just think she is trying to foist her trash onto me.

Your kid is three...(so are mine, by the way)...when your dd isn't paying attention (napping? sleeping?)...put it in the trash.

No drama, no explanation, no crap that you don't want.

Done!

Funny you say that because when my child was sleeping, I placed it in the attic. (I would have put it in the trash but I don't want my nanny to come across it and have her feelings hurt. Lol.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are anal and rude. The nanny sounds like she was trying to help and is extra affectionate with the kids. She buys gifts because she loves them. Not many ppl would spend money on some else's kids. She is has prob never worked for asshole parents before who don't appreciate her attempt at helping and caring. So fire her and let her a nice family or

1.Tell the nanny to not touch anything in your house, that you have it setup for a certain reason.
2.tell her to never buy the children anything ever. That she can tell you if she thinks they will like something and if you find it appropriate you will get it.
3. Tell your daughter that the child you brought the bike from made a mistake is very sad and wants it back. And you will look into buying a new nice bike when she is older. No one is a bad guy and your the good guy. You don't have to make it about blame, you can use this as a moment to teach empathy.


Just so you know there are plenty of 3yr olds who ride bikes. I've even seem some how ride without training wheels. You are paranoid and too much of a control freak to have a nanny.

Wow, your comment seems a bit harsh but I will not let it affect my feelings because you don't know me and you made a generalization based on one post.

As I have said right along, I don't believe I micromanage my nanny. Yes, a lot of things that she does bug me. I don't tell her many of them because I feel they are a product of my own anal issues, and not something she should have to deal with. I have made only a few specific requests - take my dd1 to certain play dates (she has taken her to two out of six), tell me what foods you give the baby (I think she does this, but really, I have no way of checking), please help the kids pick up their mess at the end of the day (she does this about 50% of the time), and please don't do housework (she does it anyway).

I have also spoken to her three times when I have been upset about something during the last nine months she has worked here. Once when she showed up fifteen minutes late for work without calling and with another child in tow (it was the not calling to inform me first that bothered me, not that she was late or had the other child with her, and I made sure she understood that), once when she cleaned out the fridge and threw away food that was still good (this was not a huge deal, just a little frustrating, and I simply thanked her for doing such a nice thing, told her that some of the food hadn't needed to be thrown out, that we clearly had different opinions about food storage, and asked her not to clean out the fridge again.)

That's it. Four requests, three discussions, in nine months. I pick my battles and only asked for things or let her see my frustration about things that really bothered me. No, I am not going to let her have totally free reign with my kids, because they are MY kids, and no matter how much I trust her, there will still be house rules. This doesn't make me a control freak or rude. I try to keep them to a minimum, but if any requests/rules/regs constitute being rude, then so be it.

Yes, that was my first reaction to your post and my opinion has not changed much. Just because you are openly upset about having to work and not spending time with your children does not mean your behavior is justified. Even if you dont always openly express your unhappiness, your body language, face expressions and temperment will give you away. It is very difficult dealing with a mother that has mommy guilt and jealousy issues than to top it off with control issues will eventually push someone over the edge. You need to accept the position that your in and move on. You only work 16hours a week, think of all the mothers single or married that are focused to work full time when they wish they could be with their children. You need to suck it up and realize you have it good. Sure things could be better but that's life. You will get to spend the next 18yrs up your children's ass, able to do all the fun (and difficult) mommy things. Them bonding with other people is a healthy experience and necessary for their future bonding. If you can't handle someone else loving your children than you need therapy to work through your attachment issues.

Now from what you described it sounds like you either hired a young nanny with limited experience or a foreign woman who isn't used to the anal overprotective mothers of America. Some of your nanny's behavior is minor but unacceptable; however, if you addressed and she neve did it again then it could have been honest mistakes. But you best bet is to put your children in a daycare program or find alternative care because you will never be satisfied with a nanny who isn't a robot. I also think your jealousy has blinded you to how your behavior affects others. I would be very upset by your ungratefulness and constant Criticizing. Although I think making a list with stirct guidelines would have been smart at the beginning, now presenting it might push this nanny over the edge. Unless your secretly hoping she will quit so you have an excuse to stay home, I'd tread lightly or look for another care option.

I am not upset or jealous of the nanny's relationship to my kids. Infact, I love that they have someone who cares for them so well when I can't. Yes, I resent working and yes, I do want things done my way because they're MY kids. She's there to fill in my role when I can't. This is what I'm paying her to do.

That said, I am pretty open about this to everyone in my life, incuding my nanny, she does understand that this was part of the reason I was upset yesterday, and she told me she empathized with me about it. I am not jealous and I pick my battles. I've only sat to speak with her 3 times in less than a year over issues that I won't get into.

I think you may be reading into this to much. Please keep in mind I was venting here, and did not by any stretch vent on our nanny. In hindsight, that should have been much clearer in the original post and for that I apologize. I was pretty upset, and probably should not have posted till I had cooled down.

OP, do you really bring in enough money by working that it's worth feeling frustrated and resentful so much of the time?

I'm sure you (and your DH/SO) have gone over your budget to see just how much you bring in net (after paying nanny, driving, parking, work clothes, eating out, paying taxes, etc.) and to see if you could live without that money. Right?

It would just stink to feel so upset if you don't HAVE to work, as in, can't pay the mortgage without your income.

My nanny brings crap into my house...in the guise of it being 'for my kids'...not kidding, she does it all.the.time.

I just think she is trying to foist her trash onto me.

Your kid is three...(so are mine, by the way)...when your dd isn't paying attention (napping? sleeping?)...put it in the trash.

No drama, no explanation, no crap that you don't want.

Done!

"I am a ftm MB and am as laid back as they come so your style is definitely not mine. But having said that, what you want from your nanny is not bizarre, it just seems that you two may be a poor match for one another. I have to imagine that there are people out there who are willing to do exactly what it is that you want (no housecleaning, pick up toys, no foods or toys without permission, etc). Bottom line is that it is your right to run your household how you see fit, so make it happen! "

agree

OP. You seem like a bitch. Honestly.

I am a ftm MB and am as laid back as they come so your style is definitely not mine. But having said that, what you want from your nanny is not bizarre, it just seems that you two may be a poor match for one another. I have to imagine that there are people out there who are willing to do exactly what it is that you want (no housecleaning, pick up toys, no foods or toys without permission, etc). Bottom line is that it is your right to run your household how you see fit, so make it happen!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are anal and rude. The nanny sounds like she was trying to help and is extra affectionate with the kids. She buys gifts because she loves them. Not many ppl would spend money on some else's kids. She is has prob never worked for asshole parents before who don't appreciate her attempt at helping and caring. So fire her and let her a nice family or

1.Tell the nanny to not touch anything in your house, that you have it setup for a certain reason.
2.tell her to never buy the children anything ever. That she can tell you if she thinks they will like something and if you find it appropriate you will get it.
3. Tell your daughter that the child you brought the bike from made a mistake is very sad and wants it back. And you will look into buying a new nice bike when she is older. No one is a bad guy and your the good guy. You don't have to make it about blame, you can use this as a moment to teach empathy.


Just so you know there are plenty of 3yr olds who ride bikes. I've even seem some how ride without training wheels. You are paranoid and too much of a control freak to have a nanny.

Wow, your comment seems a bit harsh but I will not let it affect my feelings because you don't know me and you made a generalization based on one post.

As I have said right along, I don't believe I micromanage my nanny. Yes, a lot of things that she does bug me. I don't tell her many of them because I feel they are a product of my own anal issues, and not something she should have to deal with. I have made only a few specific requests - take my dd1 to certain play dates (she has taken her to two out of six), tell me what foods you give the baby (I think she does this, but really, I have no way of checking), please help the kids pick up their mess at the end of the day (she does this about 50% of the time), and please don't do housework (she does it anyway).

I have also spoken to her three times when I have been upset about something during the last nine months she has worked here. Once when she showed up fifteen minutes late for work without calling and with another child in tow (it was the not calling to inform me first that bothered me, not that she was late or had the other child with her, and I made sure she understood that), once when she cleaned out the fridge and threw away food that was still good (this was not a huge deal, just a little frustrating, and I simply thanked her for doing such a nice thing, told her that some of the food hadn't needed to be thrown out, that we clearly had different opinions about food storage, and asked her not to clean out the fridge again.)

That's it. Four requests, three discussions, in nine months. I pick my battles and only asked for things or let her see my frustration about things that really bothered me. No, I am not going to let her have totally free reign with my kids, because they are MY kids, and no matter how much I trust her, there will still be house rules. This doesn't make me a control freak or rude. I try to keep them to a minimum, but if any requests/rules/regs constitute being rude, then so be it.

Yes, that was my first reaction to your post and my opinion has not changed much. Just because you are openly upset about having to work and not spending time with your children does not mean your behavior is justified. Even if you dont always openly express your unhappiness, your body language, face expressions and temperment will give you away. It is very difficult dealing with a mother that has mommy guilt and jealousy issues than to top it off with control issues will eventually push someone over the edge. You need to accept the position that your in and move on. You only work 16hours a week, think of all the mothers single or married that are focused to work full time when they wish they could be with their children. You need to suck it up and realize you have it good. Sure things could be better but that's life. You will get to spend the next 18yrs up your children's ass, able to do all the fun (and difficult) mommy things. Them bonding with other people is a healthy experience and necessary for their future bonding. If you can't handle someone else loving your children than you need therapy to work through your attachment issues.

Now from what you described it sounds like you either hired a young nanny with limited experience or a foreign woman who isn't used to the anal overprotective mothers of America. Some of your nanny's behavior is minor but unacceptable; however, if you addressed and she neve did it again then it could have been honest mistakes. But you best bet is to put your children in a daycare program or find alternative care because you will never be satisfied with a nanny who isn't a robot. I also think your jealousy has blinded you to how your behavior affects others. I would be very upset by your ungratefulness and constant Criticizing. Although I think making a list with stirct guidelines would have been smart at the beginning, now presenting it might push this nanny over the edge. Unless your secretly hoping she will quit so you have an excuse to stay home, I'd tread lightly or look for another care option.

And then she'll wonder why all the emotional issues the kids have when they are grown up.


Yep, bonding problems, especially in the early foundational years, have significant consequences down the road, FYI.

OP, I don't want to criticize, but I can tell you this right now: you will never be happy with any nanny, ever. But, you will keep firing and replacing them so that your kids don't have time to bond with any given caretaker. Good luck with that.

From your tone, OP, you sound like a control freak and you should care for your own kids. Some people just get off on having a doormat to boss around.

Anonymous wrote:You are anal and rude. The nanny sounds like she was trying to help and is extra affectionate with the kids. She buys gifts because she loves them. Not many ppl would spend money on some else's kids. She is has prob never worked for asshole parents before who don't appreciate her attempt at helping and caring. So fire her and let her a nice family or

1.Tell the nanny to not touch anything in your house, that you have it setup for a certain reason.
2.tell her to never buy the children anything ever. That she can tell you if she thinks they will like something and if you find it appropriate you will get it.
3. Tell your daughter that the child you brought the bike from made a mistake is very sad and wants it back. And you will look into buying a new nice bike when she is older. No one is a bad guy and your the good guy. You don't have to make it about blame, you can use this as a moment to teach empathy.


Just so you know there are plenty of 3yr olds who ride bikes. I've even seem some how ride without training wheels. You are paranoid and too much of a control freak to have a nanny.

Wow, your comment seems a bit harsh but I will not let it affect my feelings because you don't know me and you made a generalization based on one post.

As I have said right along, I don't believe I micromanage my nanny. Yes, a lot of things that she does bug me. I don't tell her many of them because I feel they are a product of my own anal issues, and not something she should have to deal with. I have made only a few specific requests - take my dd1 to certain play dates (she has taken her to two out of six), tell me what foods you give the baby (I think she does this, but really, I have no way of checking), please help the kids pick up their mess at the end of the day (she does this about 50% of the time), and please don't do housework (she does it anyway).

I have also spoken to her three times when I have been upset about something during the last nine months she has worked here. Once when she showed up fifteen minutes late for work without calling and with another child in tow (it was the not calling to inform me first that bothered me, not that she was late or had the other child with her, and I made sure she understood that), once when she cleaned out the fridge and threw away food that was still good (this was not a huge deal, just a little frustrating, and I simply thanked her for doing such a nice thing, told her that some of the food hadn't needed to be thrown out, that we clearly had different opinions about food storage, and asked her not to clean out the fridge again.)

That's it. Four requests, three discussions, in nine months. I pick my battles and only asked for things or let her see my frustration about things that really bothered me. No, I am not going to let her have totally free reign with my kids, because they are MY kids, and no matter how much I trust her, there will still be house rules. This doesn't make me a control freak or rude. I try to keep them to a minimum, but if any requests/rules/regs constitute being rude, then so be it.

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, you actively dislike the nanny. It comes accross in every word you've written here and I am sure it comes accross to the nanny and to your kids. On that front, I'd advise you to find someone new.

On the other hand, it's only 16 hours a week, and you sound VERY particular, so it's hard for me to imagine you not finding yourself back in the position of having a nanny you resent and want to replace. Is your DH also dissatisfied with the quality of her work? How much are you paying? What hours do you need.

At some point it comes down to a cost benefit based on how much hostility you feel versus how difficult she will be to replace. The harder it is to find someone new, the harder it will be to find someone willing to do things your way.

Thank you for your response,

I don't want to say I dislike my children's nanny to the point where I'll fire her. I know she loves my children genuinely and like I told the other poster, I think my feelings are down to her not completely following my instructions and style of parenting.

And I have been thinking about the bike incident, and I think what upset me is not that she brought a bike over for dd, but that she gave it to without asking me first, and told her that she could have it if it was alright with her mom. So, this sets me up to be the bad guy who has to say no, rather than her asking me first, and then, if I had said yes, giving it to DD. And the fact that she does this with lots of things, from food to toys, disregarding what our feelings may be regarding the food our kids eat or the toys they play with. I have not said anything previously, because I knew she was trying to be nice and because it didn't seem worth it for little stuff that the kids quickly grew tired of and which just as quickly found its way out of the house.

And there is some background coloring this. One, it is dd1's first bike, and where I come from that is a huge deal and something that mom and dad, or maybe Santa, gets to do. Two, our kids are IV babies who took years and immeasurable pain to conceive and all of their first moments are colored by the IF experience and the years I had to sit and plan for all of them. And yes, these are my issues, and the nanny shouldn't have to take responsibility for them, nor do I expect her to. (I am just explaining what is influencing my strong reaction.)

As far as the other stuff, I didn't say anything regarding the citrus because I figured she didn't know, and there was obviously no harm done. I did ask her to tell me when she gave the baby anything, just so I know if there is a reaction, and she has done that. As far as I know.

I have asked her, very sweetly, several times, not to do housework, because honestly I would rather she spend the time with the kids. What I have asked her to do is put toys away and generally help the kids clean up their messes. She has proceeded to continue to do house work and leave the toys where ever they happen to be at the end of the day, including in places where she has moved them that they not only don't go but are in the way. This is a constant source of irritation for me, and, yes, it colored what happened.

Anonymous wrote:That's weird. Why would one bring a bike home froma pile of garbage and just give it to a kid without asking the parent first?? Weird.

My thoughts exactly.

Anonymous wrote:you do sound very particular (as you admit). I have no idea where the issue w/ citrus comes in unless there are allergies in your family to this? You do not like this person for it seems a number of reasons. She is not working out for your family. Because she's not a good fit, you should try to find someone else who is. given the low hours perhaps a grad student?

re: the bike - if you haven't acted already, just let your DC "play" with it for a bit, then store it up by saying it's a summer thing. I would be shocked if your kid remembers it by the time it's warm out. Mine wouldn't have at least at 3 (so long as she did not see it).

Thank you for your response and yes I am VERY particular when it comes to my kids. I do like the nanny and I know she genuinely loves my children and would never hurt them but I think what gets to me the most is that she does not take me seriously, and that is the core of the issue here. I think that if she followed my requests and instructions, even most of the time, other issues would not rile me so much. I think a written set of house rules is exactly what needs to happen. This is a challenge for me however because I am a wimp as an employer, but I need to be better and clearer at rules and regs instead of being passive and having the issues build into resentment.

And if I'm being honest, I also resent working and the time it takes me away from my children and then seeing nanny with my children and I understand it's not her fault. I am pretty open about this to everyone in my life, incuding my nanny, and she does understand that this was part of the reason I was upset yesterday, and she told me she empathized with me about it. That said, me not working is not a financial possibility for us for at least another year, so I need to suck it up for now I guess.