PP, you're an idiot.

You keep saying to tell her things like "WE TRY TO AVOID THAT". "WE PREFER NOT TO DO THAT"

However, husband IS doing that!!!! So it's a lie and doesn't make sense.

I don't understand why you're not just talking straight up to her - like a quasi family member/caregiver. Seriously, Here's how I would handle your situation:



Our au pair has only been here 2 1/2 months but she became quite comfortable quite quickly. Within a week, when our children would 'act up', she would speak to them in the same irritated tone and with the same 'idioms' or 'phraseology' as my husband does when he is irritated with them.

Hey, AP, please don't use that tone/phrase with the kids, we try to avoid it.


When my son came in and asked me a question, she cut him off and answered for me..."no, you can't because..."

"Hey AP, I'll handle this. thanks."


During her down time she lies down on the sofa with a pillow under her head her feet up on the arm (just like my dh) and her laptop on her lap, skyping in the family room. (leaving the loveseat for me and the 2 other kids to share). When my husband suggested she would have more privacy in her room, she laughed and told him it didn't matter b/c he didn't speak French!


"Hey AP, can you give us some room to sit? We want to watch TV now. Thanks."


She pretty much follows what my husband does: if he helps clear the table, she makes a modest effort. If he gets up and goes to watch tv, so does she. I'm not sure I know what the problem is with this one, unless you want her to do chores or something she's contractually obligated to do. Otherwise, what's wrong with her getting up when DH does?




When he took out his phone at the dinner table (drives me NUTS) soon, she did, too. When she doesn't feel like doing something the kids ask her to do, I have heard her give the same answers (excuses) he would.


Again, you just say "AP, please don't ________. We don't like doing _____ at the table/around the kids"


If she questions it, Like "I'm sorry, it's just that DH does it, so I thought it was okay." I would tell her that you're working on changing it, but even though he does it, we'd prefer others not to.

Also, I agree that I think it's pretty natural for her to be looking to you both to see how things are done. I think it's admirable of her to mimic the parents' behavior with the kids to show you that she'll do things your way. But rather than being so passive about it, just be straightforward and tell her.

Anonymous wrote:Just to be clear, 0P For the price of a small stipend, you expect this teenage girl to be a better parent than your husband is?

Seriously though, this is a good point. It's up to DH and yourself to set the example for how you want things done. "Do as I say not as I do" is a horrible way to teach/model for someone and when you hire an AP you must realize that teaching is precisely what you have agreed to do. No effective supervisor in any situation has a "do as I say not as I do" mentality. It just doesn't work. Your AP may need to step up her game and you should certainly talk to her about it, but your DH needs to step up as well (and a better understanding of what being a host parent to this young woman entails)

Anonymous wrote:
"Make a point that how the children are handled during working hours is different than off hours."

i like this. good point.


No, discipling of children should not be "Working hours and family hours." This is stupid.

No not stupid at all. During working hours the au pair is expected to follow certain rules herself and maintain certain rules for the children. She is expected to discipline them in the manner instructed by the mom to her. After working hours, the au pair is NOT responsible for disciplining the children or enforcing rules, this is the parent's responsibility not hers. She shouldn't undermine the parents (which is doesn't sound like she would do) but it is their responsibility.

It is important for the au pair to learn this distinction. One of the cultural traits in the US is that parents can and do discipline their children differently than they would others. During play dates, the host parent would not allow kids to break rules or do dangerous things but they would never discipline the guest child in the same manner that could their own children.

Anonymous wrote:Just to be clear, 0P For the price of a small stipend, you expect this teenage girl to be a better parent than your husband is?

>>>Ignoring troll comment<<<