Anonymous wrote:OP here.

If they asked me to come along and I had to do the 45 hours, it would have been a normal thing to do. We would have had different activities with the kid, like the beach for instance
I know that I only get 2 weeks off per year so I don't expect more than that.

And it is a big wedding because the bride is Mexican. It's the groom's family who's quite small
But again, I repeat myself here, I find normal 100% not to be invited at this wedding. For my kid's brother I'm only the help and that's fine for me.

Anyways, I have received a very nice email from the Minnesota family, they have read my application, talked to my host father. They're calling me back tonight and if everything goes well I should go there Keeping my fingers crossed !

My host father has talked to a few rematch au pairs but they don't want to come to Philly, they want bigger cities like NYC ... I'm hoping they will find someone soon.

Well, good luck! I do hope the Minnesota family situation is a better fit for you, and is somewhere that you will be happy and make friends.

(For the record I still think the Mexican wedding thing is an unjustified gripe. You basically agree that it's "normal" not to be invited to the wedding; what you think isn't "normal" is that the family didn't take you along to Mexico so that you could have a vacation while they attended a wedding. What bothers you is not having a vacation to Mexico, not that the family isn't including you in a family event. And you also acknowledge that the groom's family presence at the wedding WILL be small - yet you still don't seem to understand that this means you being there, when the groom doesn't know you, might be more than a little strange for him. It's not that you are "only the help" to the older child; you are completely unknown! Do you think it would have been appropriate for your host family to bring a really close friend of theirs to the wedding if the groom didn't know those friends? No - it would not have. And your host family and the groom may be meeting a lot of the bride's family for the first time, trying to deal with new people, new relationships, a whole new situation. That you seem to have absolutely no consideration of their experience here other than that it is a "fun vacation" that you weren't invited to come along for just seems very, very selfish and inconsiderate to me. And also that you lack some basic instincts about human and family relationships and what is appropriate in certain social situations.)

OP here.

If they asked me to come along and I had to do the 45 hours, it would have been a normal thing to do. We would have had different activities with the kid, like the beach for instance
I know that I only get 2 weeks off per year so I don't expect more than that.

And it is a big wedding because the bride is Mexican. It's the groom's family who's quite small
But again, I repeat myself here, I find normal 100% not to be invited at this wedding. For my kid's brother I'm only the help and that's fine for me.

Anyways, I have received a very nice email from the Minnesota family, they have read my application, talked to my host father. They're calling me back tonight and if everything goes well I should go there Keeping my fingers crossed !

My host father has talked to a few rematch au pairs but they don't want to come to Philly, they want bigger cities like NYC ... I'm hoping they will find someone soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you know what I find ironic about this? You say that because they are not paying for you to go on an expensive vacation with them, they are not treating you like family (I don’t believe for one second that you would pay for yourself). That they only treat you like family when its “handy” for them. What I want to know is what family member would have a problem opening and closing a door in the house they are living in for a year?! Sounds like I you’re the one that only wants to be part of the family when its handy for YOU. If you were my AP and I was going away for a week, but was paying you I would have a long list of child related chores to do around the house.

OP here. You misunderstood me. I never said I expected them to pay for my flight/hotel room etc.
So believe what you want, I know what I do and what I expect, I'm not going to be intimidated by your opinion.
You're probably a bad host mother from what I can read right now !

I don't mind opening and closing the door, I'll do it if I'm still here. But let's just say that while they're having fun I'll be at their house by myself.
And for your information, I do have a list of things to get done around the house. It won't take me 45 hours for sure but I'll do them anyway.

OP - here is another question for you about your expectations regarding this Mexico wedding. (And I'm not one of the posters who thinks you are all in the wrong here; I find that your other issues are quite legitimate - discipline, being told you must work more than the allowed hours, just not clicking, etc. To me, these are valid reasons for rematch if the host family will not immediately change them. And I do hope that the families you are interviewing with will not present these types of issues, and will be a better fit for you.)

If your issue is that they will be "having fun" and you'll be at the house by yourself - how would you have felt if you were brought along but required to work the full 45 hours while on the trip, and not given any time to just relax on the beach as the host parents might take some time to do because they have you there taking care of the child the whole time? Would you have preferred that to an extra week of vacation at home in Philly? Or would you complain that they took you on their vacation (which may not be so much of a vacation for them if they will be very involved in arranging the wedding) and then made you work?

Also - if you have not met this older child or don't know him well at all, and the wedding is small with only 10-20 people (as "destination" weddings tend to be), it really seems as though YOU are the selfish one, not taking into account the feelings of this older child, who probably wants a very intimate wedding experience. Though the goal is that you become part of the host family during your year with them, you have just been there a month - you are NOT part of this older child's family. He is probably not even going to have many of his old friends and closer family who he has known for years at the wedding with him. And you would not only cost more money for your host parents to bring along; you will cost money to the son as an extra person at the wedding. (And if you feel so bad about not being brought on the trip, wouldn't you feel just as bad being left out of the actual wedding? I would think I'd feel worse, being brought along and then told to stay away from the family activities. But you say you'd be happy not to attend the wedding; you just want to be brought to Mexico. Which sounds even more selfish - "give me a vacation! I don't want to be included in the family activities! I just want an exotic beach vacation!")

Anonymous wrote:OP - quit with the "you must be a bad/bitter host mom" in response to anyone that doesn't agree with you. Frankly, You sound more and more immature as you keep posting.

You're our bully poster.

OP - quit with the "you must be a bad/bitter host mom" in response to anyone that doesn't agree with you. Frankly, You sound more and more immature as you keep posting.

We're a host family who doesn't have a TV at all even for ourselves. We're just not TV watchers, although occasionally we'll use our iPad to watch a movie. All four of our au pairs have arrived with their own laptops, and have watched shows on them. We have wireless internet obviously and we told them we'd make a profile on our desktop, but no one has needed it.

I don't agree that it should be "mandatory" for host families to include a TV in their au pair's room at all or that they should be giving their au pairs a computer. In fact, it never occurred to me that I would need to. However, if you're an au pair who won't have a computer, it would be a good thing to ask before you match just like all the many other differences between host families. If you have to watch TV every night and don't want to watch it on your computer, say that. We wouldn't be a good match for you, but I'm sure many host families do have Tvs in their AP rooms.

Something to think about when you're matching.

Anonymous wrote:OP - you know what I find ironic about this? You say that because they are not paying for you to go on an expensive vacation with them, they are not treating you like family (I don’t believe for one second that you would pay for yourself). That they only treat you like family when its “handy” for them. What I want to know is what family member would have a problem opening and closing a door in the house they are living in for a year?! Sounds like I you’re the one that only wants to be part of the family when its handy for YOU. If you were my AP and I was going away for a week, but was paying you I would have a long list of child related chores to do around the house.

OP here. You misunderstood me. I never said I expected them to pay for my flight/hotel room etc.
So believe what you want, I know what I do and what I expect, I'm not going to be intimidated by your opinion.
You're probably a bad host mother from what I can read right now !

I don't mind opening and closing the door, I'll do it if I'm still here. But let's just say that while they're having fun I'll be at their house by myself.
And for your information, I do have a list of things to get done around the house. It won't take me 45 hours for sure but I'll do them anyway.

OP here ?
Well, I talked to my host parents last night as we usually do once the kid is in bed. And they have a few contacts with 2 girls and 1 boy. They were against the fact to host an Au Pair boy but they realize it might be a good idea.
I can’t quote your messages so I’ll try to reply here …
Yes, the Mexico trip was the “deal breaker” for me. I was starting to realize I wouldn’t be happy for other reasons (the kid hitting me and not being able to discipline him, the schedule, no tv, access to the car only if they don’t use it which was not often, very few au pairs to hang out with, the mom not being there for her child) and suddenly they tell me about that trip … That’s when I decided I would leave.
Maybe I would have reacted differently if they had been more open about their decision why not to take me, but they just said “we’re going there, we’ll be gone for one week, we need you to stay home for the workmen”. They said they’d leave me a check for the groceries.
The reason that my LLC gives to the prospective families is that I didn’t click with the family and that I want to be included in the family life more. My application speaks for itself too, I have very good references and recommendation letters from my teachers at University and my daycare bosses as well ?
I have talked to 2 host families last night, one in NJ and one in Minnesota. They’re both going to send me an email with more information about their families and pictures. Then they will call me back tonight. But I really got along with the Minnesota family, they live by a lake close to a middle sized town but there is a car for the Au Pair and dozens of Au Pairs around. And St Paul is about 30 minutes away.
The NJ family lives in Secausus, very close to Manhattan. Anyways, I’ll see what happens, there are 2 more families that will call me this afternoon, one from Texas and one from Queens.
About the extra hours, I know this is not allowed. They told us at the orientation that we can’t work more than 45 hours and not do anything “under the table” as well. The parents didn’t ask me “if” I wanted to do these extra hours, they said they’d need more hours and that the pay was $5 an hour but that they round the pay up every time.
About the TV being mandatory, I honestly think that should be the case. And an access to a computer with internet. In this day and age, we all use them.

Thank you to the persons that wished me good luck, that’s very sweet of you ?

Anonymous wrote:OP - you know what I find ironic about this? You say that because they are not paying for you to go on an expensive vacation with them, they are not treating you like family (I don’t believe for one second that you would pay for yourself). That they only treat you like family when its “handy” for them. What I want to know is what family member would have a problem opening and closing a door in the house they are living in for a year?! Sounds like I you’re the one that only wants to be part of the family when its handy for YOU. If you were my AP and I was going away for a week, but was paying you I would have a long list of child related chores to do around the house.

If she was actually your "family", as in your child of the same age, you'd most likely come home to party central. Just saying.

OP - you know what I find ironic about this? You say that because they are not paying for you to go on an expensive vacation with them, they are not treating you like family (I don’t believe for one second that you would pay for yourself). That they only treat you like family when its “handy” for them. What I want to know is what family member would have a problem opening and closing a door in the house they are living in for a year?! Sounds like I you’re the one that only wants to be part of the family when its handy for YOU. If you were my AP and I was going away for a week, but was paying you I would have a long list of child related chores to do around the house.

I can't imagine any family not giving an au pair a tv in her bedroom. You'd think that'd be mandatory.

OP, you really need to consider what you are doing with a future family. Your gripe regarding the wedding is not reasonable. It is a huge expense for them to add an extra plane ticket, food, entertainment and a second hotel room, especially if they are paying for the wedding. You do not know their family or older child. Honestly, I would not want a stranger at my wedding, even though you are technically not one. Its not like a trip to Disney. This is something very family specific. If they are going before the wedding, they will probably be helping with all the pre-wedding stuff and not exactly relaxing at the beach.

I can understand your tv gripe, but if you are saying you can afford a trip, you can go to Target and buy a tv for $200-300 or ask them to get one for your room.

I hope you find a family with a better fit. They sound reasonable and do you really want to leave that and risk something worse.

Welll, if we're going to get literal, "par" is the Latin for equal. The common English term "on par" means something closer to "on equal footing" or "of equal value." It does not mean "you will literally involve your au pair exactly equally to yourself in every thought, decision, or action you take for the entire year."

Anonymous wrote:

Au Pair = on par = equal

Au Pair = on par = equal