Anonymous
09/27/2013 21:26
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:You aren't the mother, OP, but even at 45 hours a week, you are certainly doing a lot of the mothering. It's up to the parents, if the child remembers you.
I've cared for children who still "remember" me. It's because the parents weren't threatened by my contribution to their child's healthy development. Those are the best parents, OP, those who are confident and secure with their own parenting.
The Mothers we so often see on this forum, with excessive hatred towards the nanny, are the ones who will try to pretend you never existed. Their children grow up with trust issues. They know they were raised by lots of nannies/au pairs/sitters, but their parents refuse to provide any details.
It's almost like adopted children who know nothing of their biological parents. No matter how much their adoptive parents love them, they usually still want to know where they came from.
People need to know they were loved by their earliest caregivers when they were little. The secure parents will rave about you forever. Those are the parents every nanny wants to work with, even at half her regular rates if she can afford to give them a discount and they truly need it.
I know a researcher from Stanford who understands this issue. As you can imagine, most (not all) MBs prefer not to hear about this. It's much too painful for them. That's why the angry MB on this thread has invested so much of herself trying to make you feel like you are the one with severe mental problems. The truth is, she's the one with problems. You're the one with the guts to talk about the truth.
What a picture of the world you've painted, complete with unhappy almost-adopted babies and Stanford researchers who understand the truth. Anything to put yourself on a pedestal.
I know my caretakers have loved me, but I've never felt any desire to reconnect with them. I'm sure mom would tell me if I asked her, but truth be told, I am not interested. They've done a good job; I'm content with that. None of them, I'm sure, have spent weekends crying in bed waiting for Monday mornings.
It's not painful for me to hear about this. It's weird. But not painful. My son had a fabulous nanny for the first year of his life. She phoned a few times to say hello, we were happy to hear from her, she got a picture once when she asked for it. But I know she moved on and has other children in her charge now. These are the ways of the world. We are grateful for the job well done; she appreciates our appreciation but I know for a fact she doesn't cry for him. Well-adjusted lady, that one.
Anonymous
09/27/2013 21:17
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:
Op here- That is my worst fear-- being forgotten. I still think I am the most important right now because I spend about 45 hours a week with the baby. Much more then the parents. I do not want to be forgotten; I am hoping to keep a long term relationship with the child. I am trying to find new hobbies and I plan on seeing my doctor on Monday morning for depression. It hurts to get up in the morning and I go through the motions on my off hours counting down the hours until I see them again. I guess it is not normal to be this sad but I can't help it. I love my little jelly bean very much. I know I am not the mother or father but I do sometimes feel as if I am his second mom due to our bond and the amount of time we spend together.Hopefully the meds will make me feel lighter and happier. Thanks for the good advice guys!
OP, don't take this the wrong way, but you have a problem. Instead of being at peace with your role of a valued caretaker, you seem to be locked in a weird competition with parents, which you can never win. No, you're not the most important person to this baby, not right now, not ever. I'm as grateful as could be to nannies we've had, but if any one of them would continue to insist that no! she's the most important person!, we'd break ties pretty quickly.
The fact that you "go through the motions of your off hours" and "count the hours until you see them again" suggests to me that nothing very much is going on in your off-duty life. That's a problem. You may want to think about filling them with meaningful things. If you work there 45 hrs a week, that means the parents work a very normal 9 to 5 life where they have every opportunity to be with their children. You will move on from this family eventually, and you'll find other children to care about. You've very young and there will be lots of other things you will get to care about. I hope the meds will help you. But even more, I hope you will be able to find things to fill your non-working life.
Anonymous
09/27/2013 20:40
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
You aren't the mother, OP, but even at 45 hours a week, you are certainly doing a lot of the mothering. It's up to the parents, if the child remembers you.
I've cared for children who still "remember" me. It's because the parents weren't threatened by my contribution to their child's healthy development. Those are the best parents, OP, those who are confident and secure with their own parenting.
The Mothers we so often see on this forum, with excessive hatred towards the nanny, are the ones who will try to pretend you never existed. Their children grow up with trust issues. They know they were raised by lots of nannies/au pairs/sitters, but their parents refuse to provide any details.
It's almost like adopted children who know nothing of their biological parents. No matter how much their adoptive parents love them, they usually still want to know where they came from.
People need to know they were loved by their earliest caregivers when they were little. The secure parents will rave about you forever. Those are the parents every nanny wants to work with, even at half her regular rates if she can afford to give them a discount and they truly need it.
I know a researcher from Stanford who understands this issue. As you can imagine, most (not all) MBs prefer not to hear about this. It's much too painful for them. That's why the angry MB on this thread has invested so much of herself trying to make you feel like you are the one with severe mental problems. The truth is, she's the one with problems. You're the one with the guts to talk about the truth.
I've cared for children who still "remember" me. It's because the parents weren't threatened by my contribution to their child's healthy development. Those are the best parents, OP, those who are confident and secure with their own parenting.
The Mothers we so often see on this forum, with excessive hatred towards the nanny, are the ones who will try to pretend you never existed. Their children grow up with trust issues. They know they were raised by lots of nannies/au pairs/sitters, but their parents refuse to provide any details.
It's almost like adopted children who know nothing of their biological parents. No matter how much their adoptive parents love them, they usually still want to know where they came from.
People need to know they were loved by their earliest caregivers when they were little. The secure parents will rave about you forever. Those are the parents every nanny wants to work with, even at half her regular rates if she can afford to give them a discount and they truly need it.
I know a researcher from Stanford who understands this issue. As you can imagine, most (not all) MBs prefer not to hear about this. It's much too painful for them. That's why the angry MB on this thread has invested so much of herself trying to make you feel like you are the one with severe mental problems. The truth is, she's the one with problems. You're the one with the guts to talk about the truth.
Anonymous
09/27/2013 19:43
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a nanny and I hate this part of my job in knowing that after a year I will be forgotten by the children that I have watched for over 40 hours a week, loved and spoiled. I will not see them grow up, go through their firsts or anything else.I feel like a third parent that is ripped away from her child when I leave the family. I feel as if the children are my own children and I am getting majorly depressed as the days fly by and my time with them slips away. I wish they had nanny visiting rights but I am thinking of asking the parents if I can still visit with them and maybe take them on vacations with me. My heart hearts and I spent the weekend in bed crying when I realized I had only a year or so left. How do others nannies deal with this feeling? I know my time is almost up with them as they are going off to school and I hate to think of joining another family and opening up my heart seems an invitation for more pain and disappointment.
You'll have to deal with this. You are not the most important figure in that baby's life. Important, yes, but not the most important. That baby will grow up without knowing who you were, and that's totally normal. You'll move on and find other jobs and other kids. I may also suggest that you find ways to fill your life with meaningful things that aren't child-related because the way you feel about your charges crosses boundaries.
Op here- That is my worst fear-- being forgotten. I still think I am the most important right now because I spend about 45 hours a week with the baby. Much more then the parents. I do not want to be forgotten; I am hoping to keep a long term relationship with the child. I am trying to find new hobbies and I plan on seeing my doctor on Monday morning for depression. It hurts to get up in the morning and I go through the motions on my off hours counting down the hours until I see them again. I guess it is not normal to be this sad but I can't help it. I love my little jelly bean very much. I know I am not the mother or father but I do sometimes feel as if I am his second mom due to our bond and the amount of time we spend together.
Hopefully the meds will make me feel lighter and happier. Thanks for the good advice guys!
Anonymous
09/27/2013 17:41
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A woman who is with the child 60+ ("daytime") hours every week for the first years of life, is called what?
Where is the 60 hrs coming from?
It's the number of hours she was with the child. What would you call her?
I thought OP said 40 hrs, didn't she? Where is the 60-hr number coming from?
Why won't you simply answer the question? People doing only 40 hrs aren't with parents who have FT office jobs. I don't think the question is that complicated, is it?
Anonymous
09/27/2013 17:15
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A woman who is with the child 60+ ("daytime") hours every week for the first years of life, is called what?
Where is the 60 hrs coming from?
It's the number of hours she was with the child. What would you call her?
I thought OP said 40 hrs, didn't she? Where is the 60-hr number coming from?
Anonymous
09/27/2013 17:13
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A woman who is with the child 60+ ("daytime") hours every week for the first years of life, is called what?
Where is the 60 hrs coming from?
It's the number of hours she was with the child. What would you call her?
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:58
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:A woman who is with the child 60+ ("daytime") hours every week for the first years of life, is called what?
Where is the 60 hrs coming from?
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:51
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have anything valuable to contribute here, 14:49, either to OP or anyone else.
Why?
Denial of reality is not helpful by most accounts. Doesn't mean you can't stay stuck where you are.
Why do you think I'm in denial if I don't happen to agree with you?
I have yet to find credible research to support your claim. You are, however, welcome to keep your opinion.
I am reporting nothing but my experience with my own childhood, so I am not sure what research will be out there to prove or disprove it. I doubt you can find a study that reports meaningful differences between those adults who remember their caregivers during the first years of life and those who don't. What exactly are you looking for?
What is your understanding of a "primary caregiver"?
An individual who is in the child's life on a permanent basis, regularly present, and responsible for key decisions that guide that child's life, both legally and morally.
A woman who is with the child 60+ ("daytime") hours every week for the first years of life, is called what?
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:47
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have anything valuable to contribute here, 14:49, either to OP or anyone else.
Why?
Denial of reality is not helpful by most accounts. Doesn't mean you can't stay stuck where you are.
Why do you think I'm in denial if I don't happen to agree with you?
I have yet to find credible research to support your claim. You are, however, welcome to keep your opinion.
I am reporting nothing but my experience with my own childhood, so I am not sure what research will be out there to prove or disprove it. I doubt you can find a study that reports meaningful differences between those adults who remember their caregivers during the first years of life and those who don't. What exactly are you looking for?
What is your understanding of a "primary caregiver"?
An individual who is in the child's life on a permanent basis, regularly present, and responsible for key decisions that guide that child's life, both legally and morally.
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:39
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have anything valuable to contribute here, 14:49, either to OP or anyone else.
Why?
Denial of reality is not helpful by most accounts. Doesn't mean you can't stay stuck where you are.
Why do you think I'm in denial if I don't happen to agree with you?
I have yet to find credible research to support your claim. You are, however, welcome to keep your opinion.
I am reporting nothing but my experience with my own childhood, so I am not sure what research will be out there to prove or disprove it. I doubt you can find a study that reports meaningful differences between those adults who remember their caregivers during the first years of life and those who don't. What exactly are you looking for?
What is your understanding of a "primary caregiver"?
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:26
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have anything valuable to contribute here, 14:49, either to OP or anyone else.
Why?
Denial of reality is not helpful by most accounts. Doesn't mean you can't stay stuck where you are.
Why do you think I'm in denial if I don't happen to agree with you?
I have yet to find credible research to support your claim. You are, however, welcome to keep your opinion.
I am reporting nothing but my experience with my own childhood, so I am not sure what research will be out there to prove or disprove it. I doubt you can find a study that reports meaningful differences between those adults who remember their caregivers during the first years of life and those who don't. What exactly are you looking for?
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:14
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a nanny and I hate this part of my job in knowing that after a year I will be forgotten by the children that I have watched for over 40 hours a week, loved and spoiled. I will not see them grow up, go through their firsts or anything else.
You'll have to deal with this. You are not the most important figure in that baby's life. Important, yes, but not the most important. That baby will grow up without knowing who you were, and that's totally normal. You'll move on and find other jobs and other kids. I may also suggest that you find ways to fill your life with meaningful things that aren't child-related because the way you feel about your charges crosses boundaries.
I disagree. It is NOT "normal" to grow up never knowing who served as your primary caregiver early in your life. You may convince yourself that person was insignificant, but the rest of us know, how that person laid the foundation of who you are today.
This is my opinion based on my research and actual experience. You may differ if you wish.
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:11
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have anything valuable to contribute here, 14:49, either to OP or anyone else.
Why?
Denial of reality is not helpful by most accounts. Doesn't mean you can't stay stuck where you are.
Why do you think I'm in denial if I don't happen to agree with you?
I have yet to find credible research to support your claim. You are, however, welcome to keep your opinion.
Anonymous
09/27/2013 16:07
Subject: Being forgotten as the most important figure in a babies life. How to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have anything valuable to contribute here, 14:49, either to OP or anyone else.
Why?
Denial of reality is not helpful by most accounts. Doesn't mean you can't stay stuck where you are.
Why do you think I'm in denial if I don't happen to agree with you?