OP here. I want to say a big thank you to everyone for the thoughtful suggestions and empathetic perspectives. I have to admit I wrote the original post in a moment of frustration when our nanny was out sick all last week (the type where we check in every morning to see if she can come yet, so it's hard to plan around). Now that she is back and things are sort of back on schedule, I can at least look at things less emotionally.

After reading some of the comments, I'm realizing the burnout is probably more severe than I thought. Currently, she averages 2 hours of break time a day (90 minute daily nap, plus a few drop-off enrichment classes for the kids that add up to 2.5 hours/week). This feels generous but not ridiculous, so I am going to try my best to let it go, and focus my feedback on her being proactive and present during the other 6-7 hours. I also looked at the calendar and realized that in the past 12 months, in addition to her 2 weeks of PTO (which she used all on sick days), we gave her close to 7 weeks of vacation of our choice (our contract guarantees 4). However, her performance didn't really improve after any of those breaks, at most a little bit for a couple of days and then it was back to usual. I feel like if that amount of time off can't resolve the burnout, there is probably no amount of breaks that can.

DH and I discussed and we will probably just do the full severance but move up the end date to June to minimize our frustrations. In hindsight, I let some things go for too long thinking they were a temporary slump and parting ways earlier would probably have reduced her burnout and our frustration.

It sounds like she has a lot going on in her personal life.Shes burnt out,shes played a big role in helping raise your kids for the past 6 years. Give her some grace. We could all use it. Severance pay? That shouldn't even be a question..Her years of work have earned that. Does she buy groceries with her money? If so..not fair she probably needs every dollar she can save..she is now a one person income..have you seen grocery prices? Maybe you can pick out/buy the groceries yourself and let her know she no longer needs to bring anything because you'd like what you have in the fridge to be eaten? Is she just making lunch or breakfast and dinner as well? As for the phone thing, when else does she get a break? or do you rather her work every minute that she is there? Do you get a break at work? I know that sounds harsh but think about it? You get a lunch break right? The weather is getting nicer out. You could say that you'd really like the kids to be active as they are getting older and need it and suggest maybe going to the park 2-3 days out of the week.

It sounds like burn out.

That commute sounds brutal. Obviously you guys are paying her well, otherwise she would’ve already left for a new job. People don’t commute like that when they have other options. Could she stay at your house 2 nights/week to avoid the commute?

Is she taking vacation / time off for R&R? Could you give her a week off (paid) with clear instructions that when she returns, she needs to be back on her game?

OP I think your Nanny is likely a little burnt out due to her commute.

Especially if she has to deal w/traffic issues on the freeway too.

I personally do not think however, that spending the children’s naptime (90 min.) on her phone is a bad thing……
Especially since she is working up to 45 hrs/wk.

She likely is doing the household chores while the kids are awake so she can enjoy a break when they nap.

Remember - she does not get a dedicated lunch break nor does she get 15min. breaks throughout her shift & it seems she is working a little over full-time.

It would be a lot for her to care for the kids during the day, then when they nap….do food prep, laundry duties, etc.

You can always talk to her about possibly switching up the way she does things during her shift > but it seems like you have already tried that to no avail unfortunately.

As long as your kids are in good hands, do you think you can possibly just wait it out??

Wishing you the very best!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't have food in the house you're not okay with her giving the kids. Stop buying canned soup and mac and cheese.

Tell her "Your performance seems to be slipping, I want you to go out strong this summer so I can give you a great reference and good severance. Can you go back to the days of taking the kids out daily, reading with them for at least an hour to an hour and a half, and getting laundry done during nap time?"

OP again. Thanks for this suggestion. I have been trying to address issues like the food or phone or books one at a time so it’s not an overwhelming amount of feedback for her to have to fix at once, but maybe it’s better to just get it all out so she knows it’s an across the board issue of not being proactive.

To clarify on food: she is the one buying the mac & cheese and soup. We told her she could buy groceries or use our groceries/leftovers for kid meals. She almost never uses our food and buys everything for kid meals herself. This was great when she was baking yams and steaming carrots, not so good now that it’s lots of processed preservative-heavy stuff.

I don’t mind things like mac & cheese in moderation, but it would be the ONLY thing for a meal and she would make it many days in a row. When I sat down to talk with her about the food issue, DC2 had been eating nothing but mac & cheese for lunch for 2 weeks straight. It’s a bit better now that she adds hummus & fruit to each meal and has a few more frozen/canned entrees on rotation, but it’s hard not to notice the difference vs. a few years ago.

I'd tell her everything at once. She's done it before so you know she's capable. And I'd tell her she no longer buys the groceries - you'll do that and she can make the kids meals from what you have. I'm kind of surprised you let the mac & cheese thing go on so long. I'd have said something after the second day in a row!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't have food in the house you're not okay with her giving the kids. Stop buying canned soup and mac and cheese.

Tell her "Your performance seems to be slipping, I want you to go out strong this summer so I can give you a great reference and good severance. Can you go back to the days of taking the kids out daily, reading with them for at least an hour to an hour and a half, and getting laundry done during nap time?"

OP again. Thanks for this suggestion. I have been trying to address issues like the food or phone or books one at a time so it’s not an overwhelming amount of feedback for her to have to fix at once, but maybe it’s better to just get it all out so she knows it’s an across the board issue of not being proactive.

To clarify on food: she is the one buying the mac & cheese and soup. We told her she could buy groceries or use our groceries/leftovers for kid meals. She almost never uses our food and buys everything for kid meals herself. This was great when she was baking yams and steaming carrots, not so good now that it’s lots of processed preservative-heavy stuff.

I don’t mind things like mac & cheese in moderation, but it would be the ONLY thing for a meal and she would make it many days in a row. When I sat down to talk with her about the food issue, DC2 had been eating nothing but mac & cheese for lunch for 2 weeks straight. It’s a bit better now that she adds hummus & fruit to each meal and has a few more frozen/canned entrees on rotation, but it’s hard not to notice the difference vs. a few years ago.

It may simply be that she wants the kids to both eat, but one or both are no longer eating the unprocessed food. It could be that she's tired due to the commute and thought it was fine. I would suggest letting her know that she can use any food in the house, but you are taking grocery shopping off of her plate to reduce stress. Then, you can purchase frozen veg in steam bags, larger cuts of meat that can be leftovers for the next day, plenty of fruits, etc. If she only uses wheat you have in the house and you provide the foods you want your kids to eat, there shouldn't be any further problems.

Kindergarteners are sometimes drained at the end of the day, sometimes too energetic due to not enough movement. Evaluate your child objectively, then look at what she's doing with the 3yo. What activities could they do after school together? Or could going to the park everyday (unless lightning) be an option?

To me, it sounds like a combination of depression related to loss of a long-term relationship with no prospects for another relationship right now, finding herself as an unpaid part-time caregiver for aging parents (also contributing to exhaustion and making it harder to have time for a romantic relationship), and a commute that she can't cut while working for you. None of those are her fault or yours, but it is impacting her ability to perform the job to your standards.

Anonymous wrote:I might see if you can get a spot at a daycare in the preschool program for the rest of the year and just let her go. You can do a summer college student. She is not going to improve and you don’t need to build a relationship with another nanny. She can then find a new family closer to her parents’ house and shorten her commute.

Unfortunately we are locked into the current part-time program for the remainder of the school year, but you’re right that we could rethink the summer.

Anonymous wrote:Don't have food in the house you're not okay with her giving the kids. Stop buying canned soup and mac and cheese.

Tell her "Your performance seems to be slipping, I want you to go out strong this summer so I can give you a great reference and good severance. Can you go back to the days of taking the kids out daily, reading with them for at least an hour to an hour and a half, and getting laundry done during nap time?"

OP again. Thanks for this suggestion. I have been trying to address issues like the food or phone or books one at a time so it’s not an overwhelming amount of feedback for her to have to fix at once, but maybe it’s better to just get it all out so she knows it’s an across the board issue of not being proactive.

To clarify on food: she is the one buying the mac & cheese and soup. We told her she could buy groceries or use our groceries/leftovers for kid meals. She almost never uses our food and buys everything for kid meals herself. This was great when she was baking yams and steaming carrots, not so good now that it’s lots of processed preservative-heavy stuff.

I don’t mind things like mac & cheese in moderation, but it would be the ONLY thing for a meal and she would make it many days in a row. When I sat down to talk with her about the food issue, DC2 had been eating nothing but mac & cheese for lunch for 2 weeks straight. It’s a bit better now that she adds hummus & fruit to each meal and has a few more frozen/canned entrees on rotation, but it’s hard not to notice the difference vs. a few years ago.

I might see if you can get a spot at a daycare in the preschool program for the rest of the year and just let her go. You can do a summer college student. She is not going to improve and you don’t need to build a relationship with another nanny. She can then find a new family closer to her parents’ house and shorten her commute.

Don't have food in the house you're not okay with her giving the kids. Stop buying canned soup and mac and cheese.

Tell her "Your performance seems to be slipping, I want you to go out strong this summer so I can give you a great reference and good severance. Can you go back to the days of taking the kids out daily, reading with them for at least an hour to an hour and a half, and getting laundry done during nap time?"

I don’t really understand the food thing. If box Mac n cheese are the house along with canned soup, why can’t the kids eat it? Along with fruit/veggies?
I do agree with you on the outside time but maybe she feels the older child is at school all day and needs to relax/chill when he gets home. I think this is worth a conversation.

OP again. I agree that burnout is likely. I would be exhausted just from the daily 2.5-3 hour commute. Any advice for how to handle the situation or what I can do or say on my end?

She’s experiencing burnout

She might just be burnt out. I’d talk to her about it especially if she has been with you for six years. Even if you don’t give her a reference those six years speak for itself.

We have had the same nanny for almost 6 years. Our kids are now 6 and 3; the older goes to school until 3pm and the younger is in a part-time half-day preschool. For the first ~4 years, she was amazing -- proactive, punctual, limited phone use, tons of reading and outdoor play. However, in the last 1-2 years, I have noticed a decline in her performance and an increase in some issues that might not be her fault but just increase the stress and friction of the situation. We have already told her we will not need her past the summer since DC2 will be going to full-day school in the fall, but I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to turn this ship around in the last few months, and what to do about severance/reference. I want to be gracious about what she did for our kids in their baby/toddler years, but her performance for many months has been just okay even with feedback.

For example, she went from making a variety of fresh meals for the kids to giving them basic one-item lunches like boxed mac & cheese or canned chicken soup. To her credit, I talked to her and she started adding hummus and fruit daily, but it's still just what I would call "okay" and not "great." I also had to talk to her about phone use (she would do it while the kids do free play and say no if they came to ask her to play with them) and to her credit, she has cut back on phone use while the kids are awake, but now she uses the entire daily 90 minute naptime as a phone break. Things like food/laundry get done while the kids do free play. She also went from reading probably 30-60 minutes a day to only 1 book and 2-3 videos before naptime, with no other reading on a regular basis. They also almost never play outdoors unless I specifically say "since it is 70 and sunny today, please take DC1 and DC2 to the park at 4pm." Lastly, she went from taking 1-2 sick days per year to 12 a year the past two years -- not her fault, and I don't think she is lying, but still an additional strain on our schedule.

It may be she's just better with babies/toddlers. But I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that about 18 months ago, she broke up with her boyfriend and moved from their apartment (30 minutes drive away) to her parents' house (75 minutes away). This hasn't affected her punctuality in general, but she is less flexible about coming in early/stay late/do any date nights or weekends, and in inclement weather she asks for more time off as it takes longer to get home/come in, the rural roads near her get cleared later than the suburban ones near us, etc. At first she made the move sound like a temporary thing as she mentioned apartment hunting several times, but at this point it's obvious a long-term thing. In fact, she recently told me that she would now be "on call" for her parents' health issues because her brother who was also living there has moved out.

None of these things would be a dealbreaker by themselves. I'm okay with a nanny who's a mediocre cook but great at everything else, or a nanny who does very little reading but spends a lot of time at the park. But all of these things together, especially as compared to what she was doing 2 years ago, make me feel like the boiling frog proverb.

On our end, we have tried our best to make the job sustainable and well-compensated: she works 40-45 hours per week and made $65K last year ($70K if you count the health insurance we pay for her). We start paying her 30 minutes before she needs to leave to pick up DC2 so she has some time to start kid laundry/food prep. She gets all federal holidays, 2 weeks vacation/sick combined of her choice, and 4 weeks vacation our choice. We give 1-2 weeks of holiday bonus and a nice birthday gift in the $200-400 range.

My first preference would be to address this with her in a way that results in substantial performance improvement; if this happens I would feel good about giving her a good severance (6 weeks pay) and glowing recommendation. But I feel that's unlikely based on my efforts to date, so what should I do if it continues to be mediocre until we part ways in the summer? Is it "fair" to give less severance or a recommendation that only gives positives about the baby/toddler years? What should I say if she uses me for a reference (I think this is likely) and someone calls me to ask questions?