My guess is this mom went through trauma as a kid herself. She's probably terrified someone will hurt her kids and feels terribly guilty for working and leaving them with someone.

As a somewhat anxious mom I agree it sounds like a lot of anxiety. I think it is less about you but more about an irrational fear that something will happen to her child. Still, I think these are pretty big red flags that you should look for another job.

In the meantime, I would not give any feedback other than to very clear facts - we went to the park, she took a 1 hour nap, etc and then add with - we had a great day.

Mom's can be extremely overly sensitive and can often feel like we are doing things wrong so any slightly negative feedback can be blown out of proportion.

^ PP adding: I did have a little bit of this dynamic with my nanny. She would tell me a bunch of stuff and I’d sometimes be wondering: why are you telling me this? Are you looking for me to solve a problem? Do I need to do something different tonight because X happened during the day? I think that is partly just her wanting adult conversation at the end of the day and me not being a small talk person at all and also my brain being wired a little differently.

The most generous interpretation I can think of here is that she does not expect a daily update, and thinks the things you say are problems you are bringing to her to solve. There could be lots of reasons for this from neurodiversity to just communication differences but I would stop giving her updates unless something went wrong and you actually need her to fix it or direct you. Try that and if that doesn’t work, start looking for another job. (I realize the live in part is tricky but this is just really weird.)

I just want to chime in and say that it may be good to reconsider your position.

While live-in positions can be great, I would be very very concerned about what this mom has experienced, and what her response would be if anything even something super run of the mill happened with her child while in your care. I believe it would be a great idea to do a general evaluation of what your options are and what possibilities might bubble up if you start seeking a different family.

Best of luck to you.

Has the MB ever had a nanny who was inappropriate with the kid? Maybe that's where it's coming from?

Or, if the charge has some type of neurodiversity, she may have exposure to the worst of it and is nervous that it may manifest with you.

It’s the mom’s issue. Maybe she knows someone whose kid was abused by a nanny; maybe she suffered abuse as a kid; maybe she has post partum depression, etc etc. It’s not about you and I hope she gets help for her own sake.

Quitting is an option but seems extreme if you are really close to the child and otherwise have a good setup. I’d try not offering feedback (just saying the day was great) and see if that helps alleviate her anxiety. Is there a husband/dad? Maybe you could bring this issue to his attention?

I would quit. Mom sounds nuts. Like a PP said if that kid gets a paper cut the mom will blame you. Run like the wind.

Why do you keep giving her feedback when this is the response? Just say it was a great day--that's it. Any of the normal behavioral stuff is just that--normal--so why bring it up?

Also, agree that I'd start scouting out another job, but see how it goes w/o all the feedback first. All she needs and wants to hear is it was a great day, she ate well (or didn't) and slept from this time to that time, and we did X activity. Leave the rest out. No one cares about a toddler's fluctuating moods.

Anonymous wrote:I would find a new job. If anything ever happened to the child, you would be blamed.

+1

This was my first (concerning!) thought after reading your post OP.

I am also a Nanny to a similarly aged child & I personally find your Mom Boss’s comments very odd.

It sounds like she has some major anxiety - perhaps she has an ingrained internal fear that her child will be abused.

Regardless you seem like a responsible + competent caregiver.
I wouldn’t take her comments/questions personally.
It truly is her issue > not yours.

But to avoid any issues or misunderstandings possibly later on, I strongly suggest giving her your walking papers then moving on to another position.
Good luck!

I agree with PP that you should stop saying anything negative about the child's behavior since it's provoking such a deranged response from MB. But I also think you should quit. Partly because I would be too offended to work for someone who thought I was capable of harming a child. But also, I agree with the other PP who is concerned about what will happen if the child gets injured by accident.

I'm a MB and if I ever felt the need to ask my nanny those sorts of questions I would just fire her immediately. DD occasionally has a small bruise and it has never ONCE occurred to me that the nanny abused her or neglected her. I know that toddlers sometimes fall down even with attentive caregivers in close proximity because it happens on my watch too! Your employer, on the other hand, seems likely to jump to conclusions.

I'd stop giving her so much feedback because it's making her nervous. And yes, look for a new job for after the new year.

I would find a new job. If anything ever happened to the child, you would be blamed.

Omg I would find another job. That would creep me out. That’s not normal behavior. She sounds very anxious and shouldn’t have a nanny.

I am the live in nanny of a one & a half year old. Mom works from home.

I am the type of nanny that gives feedback at the end of the day to the parents about my charge’s day & behavior- etc.

I cannot give my charge’s mother any sort of negative feedback about her child without receiving the most bizarre comments.

For example, I told the mother her child had an eventful day with lots of big emotions & fluctuating moods - I reassure her that I think this is normal for the child’s age. The mother responded “if you ever feel like hurting her because you’re so frustrated please bring her to me.” I told her that her child is never that frustrating & reassured her that I utilize the discipline methods we have discussed.

If I tell the mom “she was in a throwing mood” or “she was in a hitting mood today” “she didn’t want to play with me today so I let her have supervised play” the moms responses start with “well I think that’s normal for her age but I can ask the pediatrician” (she doesn’t care for any info online or from people in her life - so my reassurance that her child’s behavior is normal goes in one ear & out the other.) Then they vary from “don’t hit her back” “do you ever feel like shaking the baby” “I hope that she didn’t frustrate you to the point of wanting to hurt her” etc - it’s so bizarre. I always try to make her feel heard & reassured. She has asked me out of the blue multiple times if I have ever shaken a baby or felt like shaking one. It’s to the point where I feel like she has these thoughts herself.

I find this frustrating because I can’t give her adequate feedback unless I would like to have a fifteen minute conversation about wether or not I would hit the baby - and it’s never a conversation from the point of view of “these are my disciplinary tactics & please stick to them” it’s “would you ever hit/shake/beat my baby & why or why not?”

I found out the mom never called or emailed my references (nanny of four years here) - I did have one of my past employers email her a reference letter. I don’t think she read it. She doesn’t want to call them & I don’t know why - but I can’t really think of a better way to receive reassurance about your nanny’s temperament. I have never yelled at the baby. I am a super affectionate nanny & I am particularly close with my current charge. I don’t think I display an aggressive temperament.

I would love any opinions or thoughts.