Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's called 'aupair fatigue' and it's a real thing. If you don't have it as a host parent, it's because you aren't worrying about whether your aupair is happy/sad/homesick/what have you.
I recommend not following her on social media. If you are hosting someone who has just left their parents' home and hasn't lived on their own, then they still have very little concept that cellphones and car insurance doesn't just magically get paid by someone else.
The only aupair I nearly chewed out was the one who told me that her room/board and car cost me nothing because I would be paying for them whether she lived with us or not. As if car insurance and food/utilities worked that way.
It does take and enormous amount of household management and if you already have a long list of things you manage as a parent, it's draining with no appreciation.
Hosting isn't perfect. We muddled through because it was the best childcare option for us for a few years.
I'm gleefully aupair free. I do not have to worry about whether our aupair will sit on a couch during a family holiday on her phone and then sulk because her friend got a bigger Christmas bonus. I raised 5 teenagers/young adults who weren't my own over 7 years. SO happy to be done with it all.

Thank you. That is exactly what I feel. I can't stop worrying about the AP because I care as a person. And that is exactly why hosting is not for me. I care too much. I care about our life, our assets, our feelings as well as AP's life and her feelings. However, most of the time there is conflict of interest between our life and hers and that is causing my struggle.

My AP never said that room/board cost me nothing but from her other comments about our life I know she thinks that way. I feel like I would have to cry poor in front of her to make her understand life is not easy. I on purposely not to purchase any big items to treat myself because the AP will judge my life and feel more entitled for the perks I gave to her. She sees that we have a decent life but she doesn't see the tears behind that. She doesn't feel the pain and stress when I have to work to 1am 3 days in a row.

Only 3 months left. I will continue to make a great year for the AP but I will be very happy when it is finally done.

We'll be done after this year as well, especially after the California lawsuit. AP happily eats brie for lunch that "appears" in our fridge and has zero recognition/appreciation that I noticed/now keep it on hand. I hope karma eventually gets all of these self-absorbed APs one day when they have to fend for themselves...

“Karma” isn’t real. It’s just a thing people tell themselves to pretend that people they feel have wronged them will “get what’s coming to them.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's called 'aupair fatigue' and it's a real thing. If you don't have it as a host parent, it's because you aren't worrying about whether your aupair is happy/sad/homesick/what have you.
I recommend not following her on social media. If you are hosting someone who has just left their parents' home and hasn't lived on their own, then they still have very little concept that cellphones and car insurance doesn't just magically get paid by someone else.
The only aupair I nearly chewed out was the one who told me that her room/board and car cost me nothing because I would be paying for them whether she lived with us or not. As if car insurance and food/utilities worked that way.
It does take and enormous amount of household management and if you already have a long list of things you manage as a parent, it's draining with no appreciation.
Hosting isn't perfect. We muddled through because it was the best childcare option for us for a few years.
I'm gleefully aupair free. I do not have to worry about whether our aupair will sit on a couch during a family holiday on her phone and then sulk because her friend got a bigger Christmas bonus. I raised 5 teenagers/young adults who weren't my own over 7 years. SO happy to be done with it all.

Thank you. That is exactly what I feel. I can't stop worrying about the AP because I care as a person. And that is exactly why hosting is not for me. I care too much. I care about our life, our assets, our feelings as well as AP's life and her feelings. However, most of the time there is conflict of interest between our life and hers and that is causing my struggle.

My AP never said that room/board cost me nothing but from her other comments about our life I know she thinks that way. I feel like I would have to cry poor in front of her to make her understand life is not easy. I on purposely not to purchase any big items to treat myself because the AP will judge my life and feel more entitled for the perks I gave to her. She sees that we have a decent life but she doesn't see the tears behind that. She doesn't feel the pain and stress when I have to work to 1am 3 days in a row.

Only 3 months left. I will continue to make a great year for the AP but I will be very happy when it is finally done.

We'll be done after this year as well, especially after the California lawsuit. AP happily eats brie for lunch that "appears" in our fridge and has zero recognition/appreciation that I noticed/now keep it on hand. I hope karma eventually gets all of these self-absorbed APs one day when they have to fend for themselves...

I wonder how some of the APs feel after this program when they go back to the reality of their own life. Yes they don't make much over here but everything was paid for. Not many working American young adults are able to have almost $1k left in pocket after paying rent, car, insurance, food and utilities etc. Not even mentioning that APs live in a bigger house vs. just a room in a house and live somewhat at a middle class level for many things (food in house, trips with HF etc)....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's called 'aupair fatigue' and it's a real thing. If you don't have it as a host parent, it's because you aren't worrying about whether your aupair is happy/sad/homesick/what have you.
I recommend not following her on social media. If you are hosting someone who has just left their parents' home and hasn't lived on their own, then they still have very little concept that cellphones and car insurance doesn't just magically get paid by someone else.
The only aupair I nearly chewed out was the one who told me that her room/board and car cost me nothing because I would be paying for them whether she lived with us or not. As if car insurance and food/utilities worked that way.
It does take and enormous amount of household management and if you already have a long list of things you manage as a parent, it's draining with no appreciation.
Hosting isn't perfect. We muddled through because it was the best childcare option for us for a few years.
I'm gleefully aupair free. I do not have to worry about whether our aupair will sit on a couch during a family holiday on her phone and then sulk because her friend got a bigger Christmas bonus. I raised 5 teenagers/young adults who weren't my own over 7 years. SO happy to be done with it all.

Thank you. That is exactly what I feel. I can't stop worrying about the AP because I care as a person. And that is exactly why hosting is not for me. I care too much. I care about our life, our assets, our feelings as well as AP's life and her feelings. However, most of the time there is conflict of interest between our life and hers and that is causing my struggle.

My AP never said that room/board cost me nothing but from her other comments about our life I know she thinks that way. I feel like I would have to cry poor in front of her to make her understand life is not easy. I on purposely not to purchase any big items to treat myself because the AP will judge my life and feel more entitled for the perks I gave to her. She sees that we have a decent life but she doesn't see the tears behind that. She doesn't feel the pain and stress when I have to work to 1am 3 days in a row.

Only 3 months left. I will continue to make a great year for the AP but I will be very happy when it is finally done.

We'll be done after this year as well, especially after the California lawsuit. AP happily eats brie for lunch that "appears" in our fridge and has zero recognition/appreciation that I noticed/now keep it on hand. I hope karma eventually gets all of these self-absorbed APs one day when they have to fend for themselves...

My AP eats the last piece of special treats and it is so annoying to find out that none is left when you are craving for it. I would certainly share with her but I didn't buy it just for her. I think most of the HF would not mind giving more perks or doing something special for an excellent AP if they appreciate it. Sometimes the perks cost a lot and I would only pay for it for someone really exceptional but not a just good or so so AP. We initially were planning to go to Disney this year but we changed our mind because of the AP. I don't want to pay extra $4k for her because she would just simply take it as a jackpot. (we were planning to stay in the resort because we want to do it right and have a nice experience , but one extra room for a week will cost me at least $2k more, plus the tickets, meals and flights, it will be easily $4k). But if I don't take her, I know she will be extremely disappointed and feel we are not treating her like a family. So to avoid all this, we just decided not to go. Most of the girls don't understand the life here so I am not paying $4k for someone don't understand the value and thought it was easy for us "rich" Americans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's called 'aupair fatigue' and it's a real thing. If you don't have it as a host parent, it's because you aren't worrying about whether your aupair is happy/sad/homesick/what have you.
I recommend not following her on social media. If you are hosting someone who has just left their parents' home and hasn't lived on their own, then they still have very little concept that cellphones and car insurance doesn't just magically get paid by someone else.
The only aupair I nearly chewed out was the one who told me that her room/board and car cost me nothing because I would be paying for them whether she lived with us or not. As if car insurance and food/utilities worked that way.
It does take and enormous amount of household management and if you already have a long list of things you manage as a parent, it's draining with no appreciation.
Hosting isn't perfect. We muddled through because it was the best childcare option for us for a few years.
I'm gleefully aupair free. I do not have to worry about whether our aupair will sit on a couch during a family holiday on her phone and then sulk because her friend got a bigger Christmas bonus. I raised 5 teenagers/young adults who weren't my own over 7 years. SO happy to be done with it all.

Thank you. That is exactly what I feel. I can't stop worrying about the AP because I care as a person. And that is exactly why hosting is not for me. I care too much. I care about our life, our assets, our feelings as well as AP's life and her feelings. However, most of the time there is conflict of interest between our life and hers and that is causing my struggle.

My AP never said that room/board cost me nothing but from her other comments about our life I know she thinks that way. I feel like I would have to cry poor in front of her to make her understand life is not easy. I on purposely not to purchase any big items to treat myself because the AP will judge my life and feel more entitled for the perks I gave to her. She sees that we have a decent life but she doesn't see the tears behind that. She doesn't feel the pain and stress when I have to work to 1am 3 days in a row.

Only 3 months left. I will continue to make a great year for the AP but I will be very happy when it is finally done.

We'll be done after this year as well, especially after the California lawsuit. AP happily eats brie for lunch that "appears" in our fridge and has zero recognition/appreciation that I noticed/now keep it on hand. I hope karma eventually gets all of these self-absorbed APs one day when they have to fend for themselves...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's called 'aupair fatigue' and it's a real thing. If you don't have it as a host parent, it's because you aren't worrying about whether your aupair is happy/sad/homesick/what have you.
I recommend not following her on social media. If you are hosting someone who has just left their parents' home and hasn't lived on their own, then they still have very little concept that cellphones and car insurance doesn't just magically get paid by someone else.
The only aupair I nearly chewed out was the one who told me that her room/board and car cost me nothing because I would be paying for them whether she lived with us or not. As if car insurance and food/utilities worked that way.
It does take and enormous amount of household management and if you already have a long list of things you manage as a parent, it's draining with no appreciation.
Hosting isn't perfect. We muddled through because it was the best childcare option for us for a few years.
I'm gleefully aupair free. I do not have to worry about whether our aupair will sit on a couch during a family holiday on her phone and then sulk because her friend got a bigger Christmas bonus. I raised 5 teenagers/young adults who weren't my own over 7 years. SO happy to be done with it all.

Thank you. That is exactly what I feel. I can't stop worrying about the AP because I care as a person. And that is exactly why hosting is not for me. I care too much. I care about our life, our assets, our feelings as well as AP's life and her feelings. However, most of the time there is conflict of interest between our life and hers and that is causing my struggle.

My AP never said that room/board cost me nothing but from her other comments about our life I know she thinks that way. I feel like I would have to cry poor in front of her to make her understand life is not easy. I on purposely not to purchase any big items to treat myself because the AP will judge my life and feel more entitled for the perks I gave to her. She sees that we have a decent life but she doesn't see the tears behind that. She doesn't feel the pain and stress when I have to work to 1am 3 days in a row.

Only 3 months left. I will continue to make a great year for the AP but I will be very happy when it is finally done.

Stick it out, focus on the positives (dependable and flexible childcare) and yes, you’ll be so happy to dump the mental load of hosting when she leaves!

Anonymous wrote:It's called 'aupair fatigue' and it's a real thing. If you don't have it as a host parent, it's because you aren't worrying about whether your aupair is happy/sad/homesick/what have you.
I recommend not following her on social media. If you are hosting someone who has just left their parents' home and hasn't lived on their own, then they still have very little concept that cellphones and car insurance doesn't just magically get paid by someone else.
The only aupair I nearly chewed out was the one who told me that her room/board and car cost me nothing because I would be paying for them whether she lived with us or not. As if car insurance and food/utilities worked that way.
It does take and enormous amount of household management and if you already have a long list of things you manage as a parent, it's draining with no appreciation.
Hosting isn't perfect. We muddled through because it was the best childcare option for us for a few years.
I'm gleefully aupair free. I do not have to worry about whether our aupair will sit on a couch during a family holiday on her phone and then sulk because her friend got a bigger Christmas bonus. I raised 5 teenagers/young adults who weren't my own over 7 years. SO happy to be done with it all.

Thank you. That is exactly what I feel. I can't stop worrying about the AP because I care as a person. And that is exactly why hosting is not for me. I care too much. I care about our life, our assets, our feelings as well as AP's life and her feelings. However, most of the time there is conflict of interest between our life and hers and that is causing my struggle.

My AP never said that room/board cost me nothing but from her other comments about our life I know she thinks that way. I feel like I would have to cry poor in front of her to make her understand life is not easy. I on purposely not to purchase any big items to treat myself because the AP will judge my life and feel more entitled for the perks I gave to her. She sees that we have a decent life but she doesn't see the tears behind that. She doesn't feel the pain and stress when I have to work to 1am 3 days in a row.

Only 3 months left. I will continue to make a great year for the AP but I will be very happy when it is finally done.

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids OP? We landed here bc our nanny left and the nanny market was impossible (or >90k annually). I think I’m probably a lot like you - but with our Au pair and older kids I don’t have to see her too much - she leaned in heavily to the split schedule life which I think took the pressure off of us somewhat - I also work a lot at night so that cut off time after dinner.

OP here, I have school aged kids who will be in 3rd and 1st grade. They both went to daycare when they were young. We just recently started our own business and it has been stressful. So I went for the AP program for 1) the flexibility 2) to somehow makeup to the kids for the extra time that we have to work by having a big sister always there for them 3) to reduce my stress of balancing work and life. And we feel cool to offer someone an opportunity to experience US.

Well it is certainly a very mixed feeling about this program. Instead of taking care of my own kids, I feel like I have to take care of a big teenager. I do get the convenience of childcare but what I had to put in mentally kinda offset the most of it and sometimes just make my life more stressful.

I think what I need is a person who comes to do her job and leave to her own life when the job is done. Since the kids will be at school for majority of the time. I will only need a part-time nanny or just a college student who can get them from the bus and stay with them until when we come home.

It's called 'aupair fatigue' and it's a real thing. If you don't have it as a host parent, it's because you aren't worrying about whether your aupair is happy/sad/homesick/what have you.
I recommend not following her on social media. If you are hosting someone who has just left their parents' home and hasn't lived on their own, then they still have very little concept that cellphones and car insurance doesn't just magically get paid by someone else.
The only aupair I nearly chewed out was the one who told me that her room/board and car cost me nothing because I would be paying for them whether she lived with us or not. As if car insurance and food/utilities worked that way.
It does take and enormous amount of household management and if you already have a long list of things you manage as a parent, it's draining with no appreciation.
Hosting isn't perfect. We muddled through because it was the best childcare option for us for a few years.
I'm gleefully aupair free. I do not have to worry about whether our aupair will sit on a couch during a family holiday on her phone and then sulk because her friend got a bigger Christmas bonus. I raised 5 teenagers/young adults who weren't my own over 7 years. SO happy to be done with it all.

We hosted 7 AP and currently have 2 German “bro pairs” here after they finished 3/4 years ago to visit.

It is hard and dark at times; and having two back at the same time to visit is crazy - but our kids are in heaven. I know what the brochures say; and in this time like you ar experiencing it is hard to believe- but (for us) it was worth it: while completely miserable at times.

Fwiw we spent about 35k a year on APs - but we took flew them to Disney world/own room etc. now I expect we would be paying 50k a year.

Good luck; there sometimes is light at the end of the tunnel.

How old are your kids OP? We landed here bc our nanny left and the nanny market was impossible (or >90k annually). I think I’m probably a lot like you - but with our Au pair and older kids I don’t have to see her too much - she leaned in heavily to the split schedule life which I think took the pressure off of us somewhat - I also work a lot at night so that cut off time after dinner.

I could have written this! This was pretty much my experience as well. I am disappointed that the agency downplayed how much of my energy that AP would consume. It was A LOT. I think we happened to get an especially needy Au pair, so thankfully not everyone has the same experience. But it has been soooo much better at home since she left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand. We've had several aps and our current one is about to leave in a few weeks. Everything is a trade off. I am, however, forever grateful to our second AP who came to us right before the pandemic started and stayed with us for 1.5 years. She was good with our kids and very independent, thus had no demand on us emotionally. The downside was she was sloppy and hard on the furniture. But, I'll take no emotional labor every day over anyone else.

We had one who was great the first 10 months, but then she started giving us so much headache with her poor choices and thoughtlessness. It's quite an 180. Still don't know what happened there but yes, the emotional roller coaster ride was too much.

OP here. Thank you for understanding my feelings.

As a first time HF, we really don't know what other HFs are saying about great/excellent APs since we have nobody to compare to. But after reading all the stories about bad APs, I consider our AP at least a good one. I can't imagine how a bad AP could affect my life if i am already irritated by little things from a good one. I think the AP program is good for the right family but just unfortunately not us.

PP again. Yes it's not for everyone. Our first was kind of like yours, very moody and homesick, but good with the kids. I found myself walking on eggshells around her a lot. Our current one is very conscientious and responsible, but lacks common sense and requires a lot of coaching. We're going to give the program one more try but I'm ready to drop it from the sheer mental exhaustion.

Anonymous wrote:I understand. We've had several aps and our current one is about to leave in a few weeks. Everything is a trade off. I am, however, forever grateful to our second AP who came to us right before the pandemic started and stayed with us for 1.5 years. She was good with our kids and very independent, thus had no demand on us emotionally. The downside was she was sloppy and hard on the furniture. But, I'll take no emotional labor every day over anyone else.

We had one who was great the first 10 months, but then she started giving us so much headache with her poor choices and thoughtlessness. It's quite an 180. Still don't know what happened there but yes, the emotional roller coaster ride was too much.

OP here. Thank you for understanding my feelings.

As a first time HF, we really don't know what other HFs are saying about great/excellent APs since we have nobody to compare to. But after reading all the stories about bad APs, I consider our AP at least a good one. I can't imagine how a bad AP could affect my life if i am already irritated by little things from a good one. I think the AP program is good for the right family but just unfortunately not us.

I understand. We've had several aps and our current one is about to leave in a few weeks. Everything is a trade off. I am, however, forever grateful to our second AP who came to us right before the pandemic started and stayed with us for 1.5 years. She was good with our kids and very independent, thus had no demand on us emotionally. The downside was she was sloppy and hard on the furniture. But, I'll take no emotional labor every day over anyone else.

We had one who was great the first 10 months, but then she started giving us so much headache with her poor choices and thoughtlessness. It's quite an 180. Still don't know what happened there but yes, the emotional roller coaster ride was too much.

Just venting:

I am tired of:

an additional person living in my house
constant wondering if AP is happy/sad/homesick... wand wanting to make sure everything is good for her
trying to make sure a foreigner is adapting well in the US in terms of culture, rules, language etc
trying to give AP a great year and experience in the US by going to additional activities that we normally don't go
balancing between an employer and a "family"
balancing between a "hard to live with" husband wanting everything perfect and the reality of life with an AP
entertaining/chatting with AP after a long day at work
feeling bad after an unpleasant conversation (saying something was wrong etc) and trying to do something nice to cheer her up since AP is a sensitive person
a young lady laying on my couch playing her phone while the whole family is home
feeling bad for AP not including her on our weekend activities because she is alone and might feel lonely
feeling bad for ourselves including AP on our weekend activities because we just want some time for our small family after whole week of working
worrying about a new driver driving my car
being annoyed that AP using our assets but doesn't take care of it as much as we do
stupid little comments here and there from an immature girl
AP showing off her American life (living in MY house and driving MY car) on social media but it is really MY life from my 15 years of hard working
AP not understanding how expensive to support a life in the US and consider herself a cheap labor while we pay EVERYTHING for her life here (car, insurance, gas, cellphone, uber when needed, all the tv show and music subscriptions, unlimited budget for grocery store, travelling with us etc) because I want her to be able to save up for her own travels and experience.
....

to be clear, our AP is a sweet but immature girl and she is very good with my boys. For that, we love and appreciate her. I guess we just underestimated how much an additional person living in our house is irritating before we decided to join the program. We wanted our boys have a big sister and role model that they feel close to. The AP definitely did that but also comes with all other little things that we don't really like. At the end of the day, I am still glad I tried this program and I am happy to make a special year for our AP. I committed one year and I will complete it with my whole heart. However, I can't do this more than a year as this is draining me so much. With our stressful jobs, I think a live-out nanny is better for us.