Yeah you should back off. I knew an au pair that had a 9:30 curfew every day even before days off. The host mom would not feed her if she didn’t obey every command and she refused to allow her to have a boyfriend or meet anyone. This women had 2 au pairs working around the clock to ensure that she nor the husband would have to do anything to raise their kids. They gave the au pairs a beat up van and they put a strict curfew on it. I felt so bad for her but I realized how inhumane some people are. Don’t be that family.

Treat them with respect instead of like they are some kind of animal

Lock the doors and let AP unlock the door with her own key.

Your car, your rules. But if it's a third car and you don't need it, I would be flexible with her on this. My only rules are: fill up car with gas and don't let it go all the way to empty, and no drinking and driving.

My AP texts me by 10pm if she is going to sleep out at a friend's house. That way I can turn on the alarm. If she doesn't text me, that means she will come home and she is responsible for turning on the alarm herself after locking up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our handbook, we explicitly say car curfew is 12:30, and AP curfew is 12:30 on nights before she is working, no curfew otherwise, but to text on her way home or if she is not coming back. It has never been a problem, and this avoids the car not getting driven after drinking and/or towed in the middle of the night. We explain that we live in a city where crime does happen, and the text helps us keep track of their whereabouts in the event something happens.

will you have the same rules for your own kids when they are 21?

By 21, my kids had all bought a used car with their own money and were not driving my car. If the AP wants to buy her own car, she can drive it as she likes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our handbook, we explicitly say car curfew is 12:30, and AP curfew is 12:30 on nights before she is working, no curfew otherwise, but to text on her way home or if she is not coming back. It has never been a problem, and this avoids the car not getting driven after drinking and/or towed in the middle of the night. We explain that we live in a city where crime does happen, and the text helps us keep track of their whereabouts in the event something happens.

will you have the same rules for your own kids when they are 21?

Well, my 21 year old will have grown up in a major city with English as their first language - if the car gets towed in the middle of the night, I’m confident that they will be able to handle it. I also know that if they they show up hungover and late to whatever job that they have, they will be fired, let along a job working with a young child.

Since this particular cultural exchange entails us buying, maintaining and insuring a dedicated car for the au pair, I think limited restrictions on not driving drunk or leaving it to be towed at night are reasonable. I would definitely restrict my child at 21 in the same fashion. And these rules are in place b/c every single AP we have had has had the car towed (2), gotten major tickets (6), or had minor accidents (3). We give them the handbook before matching - translated into their native language. It’s never been a problem.

Talk to her. She can come/go as she pleases but not with the car.

Anonymous wrote:In our handbook, we explicitly say car curfew is 12:30, and AP curfew is 12:30 on nights before she is working, no curfew otherwise, but to text on her way home or if she is not coming back. It has never been a problem, and this avoids the car not getting driven after drinking and/or towed in the middle of the night. We explain that we live in a city where crime does happen, and the text helps us keep track of their whereabouts in the event something happens.

will you have the same rules for your own kids when they are 21?

In our handbook, we explicitly say car curfew is 12:30, and AP curfew is 12:30 on nights before she is working, no curfew otherwise, but to text on her way home or if she is not coming back. It has never been a problem, and this avoids the car not getting driven after drinking and/or towed in the middle of the night. We explain that we live in a city where crime does happen, and the text helps us keep track of their whereabouts in the event something happens.

Former AP here.

If you trust her with the car, just let it go. Especially since it's the end of her year. You should have said something earlier.

And just wear your pajamas whenever you feel like, it's your home, do as you please

Why can’t she let herself in after the doors are locked? And why can’t you wear your pajamas in the living room or kitchen?

You need to set a curfew on the car (ie 6 am, if you're ok with her staying out overnight, but don't want the car out for multiple days). If you aren't comfortable wearing pjs in the common area, then either get dressed or find more concealing pjs.

If you’re concerned about your ap seeing you in pajamas then I think you have bigger issues. Give her a key and ask her to text if she’s going to be out past x pm. You say you don’t want to police here but it sounds like you do…

Hey - I might let this one go. I am a long term host parent and I would say you are in a good spot and I'd let it end on a high note. Lock the doors, she has a key!

We have an au pair who is wonderful with our children and overall a very solid person to live with. When she arrived to our house after a very friendly rematch, she was always checking in before using our third vehicle and sharing her general plans during her time off. I do not intend to police her (even during COVID) because I consider her to be an adult, but it was very nice to see that she respected our house and our car and gave us an idea of her plans. Lately, she comes and goes as she pleases (which is fine!), but we don't know her plans at all and she is gone with our car for full days. It makes it hard to know when to lock our doors for the night, if i can wear pajamas to common areas as I have no idea if she is home or not after going out. As much as I wanted her to spend time with her friends and do fun things over the weekend, i need a bit of consideration on her part and not to treat our home as a hotel and our car as if it was hers. Are my expectations off? She is also coming at the end of her term, but I don't want to deal with this even for that bit of time.