Our AP is 26. She is a grown woman with thoughts, feelings, and autonomy over her personhood. Our deal is that we always provide dinner and needs to tell us in advance if she is not joining us in which case there will always be leftovers for her. When she goes out with friends, we may order takeout that we like or we may simplify our own meal. We would never dream of ordering food when she is at home and not ordering for her. It's rude. Since we only take working vacations, we always bring our AP and comply with all rules.

Anonymous wrote:Host families need to remember that their au pairs are not little children. They are young adults. Young adults are very independent and like to do their own thing... even when they are your own children. So it is reasonable, given their age, to not want to eat all meals with you or go all places with you. You have unconditional love for your own children so I am guessing they want something like that in wanting to be “part of the family.” They don’t want to be thought of as “the au pair.”

I have never, ever met a host parent who has "unconditional love" for an au pair. Also, even unconditional love has its limits. Even parents who unconditionally love their children don't let them do whatever they want, and DO set limits and discipline them for breaking rules.

Anonymous wrote:Former AP here. Who wanted to be "part of the family"

It's nice to feel included in some events, not all.
Because you need some time to yourself as a family and she will probably won't be interested in sharing everything with you either.

I enjoyed some meals at restaurants or home with my host family, one or two trips, they went on vacation without me and that was absolutely fine
They'd go out to eat without me and that was fine as well.

Just do what you feel comfortable doing and don't feel guilty. As long as you're a nice family and share some nice memories, it's absolutely acceptable to do things on your own without the au pair.

Thanks, this is helpful (OP)

And remember they are kids themselves. Older kids, but kids.

I urge you to think about your (actual or imagined!) online dating profile - probably you said something like: "I am looking for my lover and my best friend" or "I want to find my partner for this crazy adventure called life" or some other language that you thought should be in there. You couldnt say: "Its hard to meet people at my age in this city, so i am trying online dating but am skeptical about it and don't think it will work."

Similar here - they can't say: "I want to focus on making friends and taking trips - this is my big adventure before I do XX, and am happy to take care of kids during the week in exchange for this great adventure." So they say what we want to hear "part of the family", "I love kids" "I want to be a kindergarten teacher" etc.

They aren't trying to trick you, just trying to play the matching game

Our current AP said during the interview that she's into outdoor activities, just like us, and would love to join us for those activities. Well you can guess where this is going. She turned to be the opposite, and really hates the outdoors. So I think they're all coaches to say they share the host family's interests and want to be part of the family, when in reality some are much more independent than others.

Host families need to remember that their au pairs are not little children. They are young adults. Young adults are very independent and like to do their own thing... even when they are your own children. So it is reasonable, given their age, to not want to eat all meals with you or go all places with you. You have unconditional love for your own children so I am guessing they want something like that in wanting to be “part of the family.” They don’t want to be thought of as “the au pair.”

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, many Au Pairs don't care about restaurants, please stop making a big deal out of it. We don't come to the US to eat out ... and in our own home countries - big news ! - we also have restaurants ! American, Chinese, Italian, whatever nationality you can think of.

I agree with a pp who said that it's nice to go out and eat with the family when you arrive and at the end of your stay. That's what makes you feel welcome when you arrive, and it's a nice way to stay thank you when you leave.

You also have vacation opportunities too, right? So we won't make a big deal about that either

I think all APs say this because it is what they have been coached to say - and it may be true for some, in particular younger au pairs who are more like Mothers Helpers that they want to be part of the family in the sense they are another kid. Most APs want to have the perks of family (vacations, etc) without having to be 100% with the family all the time. This is healthy and normal. Think back to when you returned how for holidays at your parents house during college (if applicable). If you were like me, you joined for some preferred activities but tried to get out with friends a lot of the time you were home. I think this is what to aim for with an AP.

Honestly, many Au Pairs don't care about restaurants, please stop making a big deal out of it. We don't come to the US to eat out ... and in our own home countries - big news ! - we also have restaurants ! American, Chinese, Italian, whatever nationality you can think of.

I agree with a pp who said that it's nice to go out and eat with the family when you arrive and at the end of your stay. That's what makes you feel welcome when you arrive, and it's a nice way to stay thank you when you leave.

Anonymous wrote:Longtime hm here. Rather than asking them how they define it, i would encourage you to define what you want for your family and then be super super clear spelling that out and making sure that any AP you interview is comfortable with your definition. It sounds like you have been hosting long enough to know what is best for your family. Try spelling this out clearly in writing and in your conversation with prospective APs, and gauge their comfort with what you propose.

This is a great advice. For us, it means that we invite our AP to join us on (pretty much all) family outings. And yes, this means that we pay for her tickets, food, etc. when she joins us. The reality of it is that the only times our APs wanted to tag along was at the very beginning of their year (when they still did not know that many people) and at the end of their year (when they realized that the time is running out). But as PP said, being "part of the family" may mean something different to you (or the APs that you are interviewing), so spell it out for them and take it from there.

Agree that it means "I want you to take me out to restaurants." Have had issues with this both (a) when I had twin babies and didn't go to restaurants for obvious reasons, and (b) at the start of COVID, when I did some interviews with au pairs who were horrified that we stopped going out to restaurants. Can also mean that they want you to cater to their whims (the special diets announced AFTER they arrive at your house, OMG), or don't really want to work.

Longtime hm here. Rather than asking them how they define it, i would encourage you to define what you want for your family and then be super super clear spelling that out and making sure that any AP you interview is comfortable with your definition. It sounds like you have been hosting long enough to know what is best for your family. Try spelling this out clearly in writing and in your conversation with prospective APs, and gauge their comfort with what you propose.

Former AP here. Who wanted to be "part of the family"

It's nice to feel included in some events, not all.
Because you need some time to yourself as a family and she will probably won't be interested in sharing everything with you either.

I enjoyed some meals at restaurants or home with my host family, one or two trips, they went on vacation without me and that was absolutely fine
They'd go out to eat without me and that was fine as well.

Just do what you feel comfortable doing and don't feel guilty. As long as you're a nice family and share some nice memories, it's absolutely acceptable to do things on your own without the au pair.

Currently interviewing au pairs and they all say they want to be "part of the family". We've tried to probe on what does "being part of the family mean" and don't really get that far. I've hosted enough au pairs to know that being part of the family often means they want to eat restaurant food with us, but aren't really interested in our regular meals. Or, they want to come on vacation, but not other more local things. Any suggestiosn on how to better define this?