Anonymous wrote:12.08 here. It’s weird to me that everybody is willing to dismiss this your girl’s feeling and reasons for her actions. As a nanny and babysitter, I see the reason behind the behavior as much more important than imposing a punishment that doesn’t change a child’s mindset.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 3.5 and almost 7, and I’m freaking out a little. They were apparently really sweet with our longtime sitter until bedtime, and then DD (older child) tried to take control of DS’s bedtime, closing and locking his door, pushing back big time against our sitter, got really upset (probably yelled and cried) when sitter said she’d call the fire department to unlock the door, and I am feeling so anxious about it today. These are kids who can certainly be tough with me, but are always perfect with others. I think I have been a little stricter about bedtimes and morning wake times recently, and DD is maybe trying to reclaim control when she can. She really wants to be the one in charge of him, putting him to bed, waking him up, all that, which isn’t appropriate, obviously, so she’s grappling with the limitations that I’ve been enforcing. Also, this sitter is someone whom they’ve known a long time, so they’re probably more comfortable, but I fear she’s growing disenchanted by them, as she has said often that she prefers to work with babies and doesn’t like the power struggles that older kids set in their ways present—referencing prospective families to work with, not mine. Plus, she primarily worked with DS, and I know it bothers her that he is becoming more independent, wanting to follow his sister, and she probably takes it personally, whereas a hs or college student wouldn’t be so invested in their relationship with DS, letting that color the interactions. She is supposed to come back next week, but I feel like I just want to scrap the whole thing and find someone else. It’s tough, because I used to feel so carefree when she would come, but knowing she struggles increasingly with DD and is losing her grip on DS, I feel like she’s probably judging me somehow, and is feeling hurt by my kids. Mostly just needed to vent, and wondering if anyone has any similar stories.

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I think I have a different perspective here.

It sounds to me like DD likes being an older sibling and wants more control in general. There are ways to encourage good relationships between them and give her more control without getting into a trap of her taking care of him or disrespecting adults.

I’d suggest sitting down with DD and asking her about exactly what happened and why. Listen to what she’s telling you about the events, ask how she feels and why she reacted as she did. Ask what her ideas are about how she can help at bedtime, and remind her that it’s helping, not doing everything. For some older siblings, it might be helping with bath time, pjs or reading to the younger sibling (I would certainly steer towards this!), but actually making sure the younger child settles down to sleep should always be an adult. Explain that you need her to do what she’s agreed to at the agreed time and then let the adult finish bedtime, or the adult will need to do bedtime without her help.

I would also explore ways for her to help more and have more control in other ways and at other times. At 7, she could make breakfast or lunch, pack lunchboxes for school, or do chores. I would actively discourage her from helping him do anything he should at least try for himself (getting dressed, putting on shoes, etc).

Btw, sitter shouldn’t have threatened to call the fire department... That caused the situation to spiral. And an adult who gets so overwrought that she starts bawling has no business caring for children, at least of those ages.