You are way overthinking this. Forget it and move on. List it on your resume, don't give out the reference and forget it. You do not need to keep up with the family. This is a paid job. It is nice but not a requirement. Give current references.

I only give out the references I want to give out. Never been an issue.

OP here. Thanks to all who provided such helpful feedback. Yes, I realize I could have chosen to handle the situation differently, but I didn’t, and I don’t really think it’s fair to withdrawal a once positive referral due to circumstances that occurred after the time of employment.

And for those accusing me of being a bad nanny, or not well connected to the children... I am a good nanny. Of course I loved the children. They were the only reason I stuck it out for as long as I did. The employer/employee dynamic between MB and myself was emotionally draining for me and when I decided to quit, it was for my own mental heath. MB knew I was a good nanny as she received affirmations from moms and teachers who observed my caregiving daily.

Yes, I could have (and perhaps should have) made an effort to stay in touch. But I didn’t. With my 15 years of experience, of course I have many other great references I can (and do) provide. However, like I said, this particular job I held for two years and it was my last full time position before the job I’m at currently, so leaving it out of my resume completely doesn’t seem like a good choice either. Former MB didn’t say I couldn’t use her as a reference, she just said not to use the reference letter she once provided.

If I could go back and do it all over again I think I would have left at the first or second red flag, but, hindsight is 20/20.

Parent here. I'd definitely hope for a good relationship, there would be contact maintained between the nanny and kids, at least for the first few years. But I'm also hoping to keep our nanny until our youngest goes to school which would be 7+ years total of a relationship, so it's a bit different from your situation.

My suggestion would be: keep the position on your resume. A lot of employers will probably ask anyway if you had a 2-year gap, and you don't want to lie. Since the MB has indicated she is no longer willing to be contacted and would not give a glowing recommendation if she were contacted, don't volunteer the reference letter or her information as a reference. But keep the reference letter in your possession as proof you worked for her and that things were not disastrous. Depending on how much total experience you have and how many other families you've worked for, a 2 year job ending 3 years ago could be substantial enough to make having some documentation useful if a potential NF has additional questions.

Anonymous wrote:I can’t even imagine not seeing my past charges but I was very bonded with them. Clearly you weren’t so it is what it is. I honestly hate one of my old MBs but love her child so I still visit the child. Being a nanny (to me) isn’t about the parents.

What is done is done, OP. If you have great references from your other positions, I wouldn’t worry about a two year gap. Lie and tell any potential family that you loved the children and it was a good job but the mother got very upset when you gave notice ( and explain how much notice you gave). Do NOT bad mouth her in any way and pretend to understand that she was just hurt that you left.

Very good advice and your charges are so lucky to have you!!

I can’t even imagine not seeing my past charges but I was very bonded with them. Clearly you weren’t so it is what it is. I honestly hate one of my old MBs but love her child so I still visit the child. Being a nanny (to me) isn’t about the parents.

What is done is done, OP. If you have great references from your other positions, I wouldn’t worry about a two year gap. Lie and tell any potential family that you loved the children and it was a good job but the mother got very upset when you gave notice ( and explain how much notice you gave). Do NOT bad mouth her in any way and pretend to understand that she was just hurt that you left.

Anonymous wrote:I still see all my former charges regularly. It would be so cruel to the children not to. However, in all three cases, I was the child’s nanny fifty hours a week from birth until they started school - very bonded and connected.

Bully for you but your did not read, or cannot comprehend, what you read as OP has a major problem and you are doing nothing but bragging!

I still see all my former charges regularly. It would be so cruel to the children not to. However, in all three cases, I was the child’s nanny fifty hours a week from birth until they started school - very bonded and connected.

Wow. This is why it's best to LEAVE toxic families ASAP. Cut your loses and get OUT.

Obviously keep it on your resume. If potential employers ask about contact for this MB say you lost in touch and have no way of communicating with her or yes you can explain how she got salty and said not to use her as a reference

The kids don't care and she's a nasty person and needs to let it go. There is no reason to keep in contact in less both parties agree. 3 years is a bit old for a reference. Forget it and move on.

OP here. Question for nannies - any advice on how you might deal with this situation? A past employer, former MB, who once provided me with a glowing reference, recently asked me to discard the letter of recommendation she had written for me (three years ago) because I “ghosted” her children. To give you all some background information, I quit (or attempted to quit) my job in March 2016. MB requested that I stay through the end of the school year. I agreed. I stayed through June 2016, at her request. MB became bitter and resentful about the fact that I did not keep in touch with her family after my time of employment, accusing me of causing “great suffering” to her children for abandoning them.

Fast forward three years. Former MB advises me to discontinue use of the reference letter she provided, stating that it is now “outdated” due to me “ghosting” her children... and yes, all the quotations are direct quotes.

I’m guessing you all may understand why I quit the job the first place (extreme toxic workplace)... but now I’m either left with a great big hole in my resume (I was employed by this woman for two years, which means I dealt with this controlling behavior for TWO YEARS) or every time a prospective employer needs a list of former employers I can just explain the whole story. I’m not worried about her telling people that I didn’t stay in touch (because I don’t think that’s a job requirement!) but having to engage with such hostility (not to mention guilt tripping) sucks.

None at all.

I was with my family for 7 years. I stayed in touch because I made the effort. The parents did not. The kids are now College and I still see them for lunch over the summers and at Christmas.

Nannies and parents - what is your expectation (if any) as far as keeping in touch after your nanny’s time of employment has ended?