I teach undergrads and I find that my approach to them is very similar to the APs. You need to be as clear as possible and put in the time to delineate exactly what you want----then she will follow. They need to be taught basic things and once they learn, it's wonderful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. She’s mostly fine with the kids, although it probably bothers me more because of the petty things when she does something I find stupid like letting the baby chew on books. Hello, we said the baby realllllly likes to eat paper, so don’t let her near paper or take it away. What do you think that book you handed her is made out of? Sigh.

Most people don’t hire APs for babies because they don’t have the knowledge and experience to be fully trusted. Also, while I haven’t read through the thread, why is she cleaning your drawers?

OP. Not cleaning drawers, but shoving things from the kitchen counter in to “clean” in an attempt to be “helpful.”

For example, day 1 after she got here, she moved the coffee off the counter and shoved it in the wrong cabinet. Did not ask where it goes or even if it should be put away. Day 2 morning, I literally spend a bleary 20 min looking for my damn coffee to make some. It’s coffee and yes, I have a coffee habit.

She randomly decides to do stuff like this when bored. Cleaned baby bottles and instead of leaving them to dry, shoved wet bottles into a cabinet. Got groceries and i ran to the bathroom before putting them away? Get back and half the groceries have been unpacked already. Does not ask where things go or even notice where things have traditionally gone. She takes a pot to cook something out of one cabinet, cleans it after use, then puts it back somewhere else and NOT where it originally came from. Repeat this 100x over the last three months and you reach my level of aggravation with her...

Yes, she is TRYING to be helpful. But her help is the opposite a lot, which is why I’m trying to find a way to be less annoyed with each, new incident. Because ther will be something new next week or the week after that will inevitably annoy me.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. She’s mostly fine with the kids, although it probably bothers me more because of the petty things when she does something I find stupid like letting the baby chew on books. Hello, we said the baby realllllly likes to eat paper, so don’t let her near paper or take it away. What do you think that book you handed her is made out of? Sigh.

Most people don’t hire APs for babies because they don’t have the knowledge and experience to be fully trusted. Also, while I haven’t read through the thread, why is she cleaning your drawers?

Anonymous wrote:I find that my relationship with an AP directly correlates to how much I'm able to let things go. Our last AP and I had horrible personality conflicts and so every little thing she did that was annoying was magnified. Our current AP is absolutely wonderful and I'm able to blow off the little things. Example: Neither AP has been able to remember my request to bag up food after it's open, so crackers and cookies go stale. Last year it bugged my every single time. This year I just blow it off. (I reminded both APs multiple times but somehow it never gets fixed and they're not around in the mornings when I find the open bags of food).

This sounds exactly right.

Anonymous wrote:You’re seriously upset about your baby chewing on a book? That’s a completely normal thing most babies do at some point. You sound rigid and controlling.

Welcome back to the AP troll! Is it rigid and controlling to provide any instructions because AP should be thanked for keeping the kid alive for the peanuts they get?

Our last AP bugged me to death but she was safe, reliable, and good with our kids. The end.

I find that my relationship with an AP directly correlates to how much I'm able to let things go. Our last AP and I had horrible personality conflicts and so every little thing she did that was annoying was magnified. Our current AP is absolutely wonderful and I'm able to blow off the little things. Example: Neither AP has been able to remember my request to bag up food after it's open, so crackers and cookies go stale. Last year it bugged my every single time. This year I just blow it off. (I reminded both APs multiple times but somehow it never gets fixed and they're not around in the mornings when I find the open bags of food).

Most people who are great with kids, and not exasperated or irritated by them, are not the kinds of people who are Type A about organization, laundry, and keeping books and toys meticulous.

You can probably get her to do some of these things with some instructions, but if she is a "kid" person, count your lucky stars that your baby got a good one, and learn to live with some mess.

You’re seriously upset about your baby chewing on a book? That’s a completely normal thing most babies do at some point. You sound rigid and controlling.

We have a separate place for nicer clothes that I care about. I wash them myself. Everything else is play clothes. If something gets stained, so be it. I go through the kids' clothes myself every couple of weeks and sort things out.

If you see your son wearing pants with holes you can say to the au pair: "I think it's time to retire those pants. I will put them in the trash tonight, after Larlo is in bed. If you see other clothes that are stained or have holes, let me know."

Address the problem when it happens :

1) Leave a note by the washer to remind her to check the stains or holes on the clothes. She'll see it everytime she does the laundry.
2) She lets the baby eat a book : remind her it could be very dangerous AND that she will have to replace the book with her own money if she doesn't pay attention
3) Ask her to clean out the drawer she filled with stuff.

She will get it and improve.

Thanks. She’s mostly fine with the kids, although it probably bothers me more because of the petty things when she does something I find stupid like letting the baby chew on books. Hello, we said the baby realllllly likes to eat paper, so don’t let her near paper or take it away. What do you think that book you handed her is made out of? Sigh.

Don’t be petty. Remind yourself not to be petty. I’m genuinely not being snarky, I find myself being petty about things our AP does and have to check myself because she makes our life so much easier in so many ways so I can forgive the fact that she NEVER remembers to turn off the lights when she leaves a room and leaves wet swimsuits in the swim bag half the time

Seriously though, if she’s a good, safe au pair...get over it. If she has other issues, consider rematch if it’s getting under your skin so much.

Know what your non-negotiables are. Mine are reliability, safety (kids and car), and rapport (with kids)

If you are very meticulous about your children's clothes, you could consider doing their laundry yourself. Our kids clothes do get stained and it can take some effort to get them out. But they are just as happy in Carter's clothes and in Janie and Jack's, so I would not rematch over laundry issues. Rematching is a nightmare that I would not enter into lightly, especially if my kids are happy.

I figure if we get 80% of our expectations, that's decent performance, be it AP, nanny, or Grandma.

I am detail oriented. AP is not. It drives me up the frickin wall sometimes.

For example, she “cleans” by shoving mess away in a drawer or cabinet. It looks great until I find this cabinet, everything falls out, then there’s a bigger mess.

Another example, she does not notice stains or holes in the kids’ clothes. This has led to ruined clothes (because the stains will not come out after going through a hot dryer) and a toddler boy going to school in pants with no knee in winter (definitely not a fashion statement). I have asked specifically to check for stains or other issues, then remove it from their wardrobe. Then, the kid is wearing fresh, now permanently stained clothes in the morning or that pair of pants with the giant hole again next week.

How do you let the little things go? Do you think, well, AP hasn’t let my kid die yet, so yippee? Do you repeat yourself over and over again after AP forgets specific instructions for the third time? Do you agonize and rematch after dragging it out another few months for “personality differences”?