My charge’s mother is like this, too. It is irritating but I do my best to let it go. As an older nanny, I try to remember that I am working with a first time mother here who has read all the books but doesn’t know how to implement what she read.

Take a deep breath and let it go, OP.

It’s so crazy how deep in denial some people are about their own actions. Honestly, it’s fascinating how the human brain works sometimes, haha!

A suggestion I have for you is this: the next time she says something like that and you feel that frustration, just calmly (as you have been) and curiously ask her to show you how she does it, or to give you an example of what she would like you to do.

“I’ve noticed that you’ve mentioned this issue a few times and I just can’t seem to understand. It would really help me out if you could show me or give me an example of how you’d handle her in X situation.”

Something like that, maybe?

Ooh! You could also ask her to point out anytime she sees you “coddling” or “doing everything” for her daughter. She’ll find she has nothing to point out!

Hope this all helps a little!

She may feel guilty about leaving her with a nanny. This doesn’t have anything to do with you, and you should try to find a way to deal with it. I don’t know if you’re a mom, but there’s a lot of mom guilt for just about everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I tend to agree that you need to detach and let go. Use the same skills you use with your charge when she tantrums.

Basically, this is not about you. You know it and she knows is and honestly the preschool teachers probably know it too. For whatever reason reality is not comfortable for her on this one. Engaging serves no real purpose. It will make her deal with an uncomfortable truth without fixing much of anything.

The closest I would come is to address it in the moment by feigning genuine concern:
MB: “Oh you always spoil her!”
Nanny: “Is that really something you are concerned about? What rules do you feel I am not successfully enforcing?”

BTDT. I said “ I am? I wasn’t aware. Can you give me a few examples so that I can correct it, please?” Of course, the examples she gave were things the parents were doing, so I asked when I had done those things, but I didn’t remember doing them. Nothing changed in their behavior with the child, but at least I was no longer blamed.

Okay, so you know she is being irrational. You can either try to force her to live in reality (she is in denial and will fight it all the way), or shrug and accept thay she is not rational, or quit and find someone with a better grasp on reality. If she is not irrational in most areas, I would just accept this as her weak spot. Everybody has some flaw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I tend to agree that you need to detach and let go. Use the same skills you use with your charge when she tantrums.

Basically, this is not about you. You know it and she knows is and honestly the preschool teachers probably know it too. For whatever reason reality is not comfortable for her on this one. Engaging serves no real purpose. It will make her deal with an uncomfortable truth without fixing much of anything.

The closest I would come is to address it in the moment by feigning genuine concern:
MB: “Oh you always spoil her!”
Nanny: “Is that really something you are concerned about? What rules do you feel I am not successfully enforcing?”

BTDT. I said “ I am? I wasn’t aware. Can you give me a few examples so that I can correct it, please?” Of course, the examples she gave were things the parents were doing, so I asked when I had done those things, but I didn’t remember doing them. Nothing changed in their behavior with the child, but at least I was no longer blamed.

Great advice. As nannies, I think we have all been in this position from time to time. I don’t fully understand why mothers (I have not found this with father’s to the same extent) project like this but I have learned to accept it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do MBs ever look at their own actions?

It’s the nature of being a nanny. The mother accepts all the praise and the nanny gets the criticism. Make your peace with it.

This is such an ignorant response to me.
Being complacent helps nobody.

Perhaps, but I actually agree with the first poster. A lot of this is simply the life of a nanny.

Anonymous wrote:Do MBs ever look at their own actions?

It’s the nature of being a nanny. The mother accepts all the praise and the nanny gets the criticism. Make your peace with it.

This is such an ignorant response to me.
Being complacent helps nobody.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I tend to agree that you need to detach and let go. Use the same skills you use with your charge when she tantrums.

Basically, this is not about you. You know it and she knows is and honestly the preschool teachers probably know it too. For whatever reason reality is not comfortable for her on this one. Engaging serves no real purpose. It will make her deal with an uncomfortable truth without fixing much of anything.

The closest I would come is to address it in the moment by feigning genuine concern:
MB: “Oh you always spoil her!”
Nanny: “Is that really something you are concerned about? What rules do you feel I am not successfully enforcing?”

BTDT. I said “ I am? I wasn’t aware. Can you give me a few examples so that I can correct it, please?” Of course, the examples she gave were things the parents were doing, so I asked when I had done those things, but I didn’t remember doing them. Nothing changed in their behavior with the child, but at least I was no longer blamed.

Yeah, I tend to agree that you need to detach and let go. Use the same skills you use with your charge when she tantrums.

Basically, this is not about you. You know it and she knows is and honestly the preschool teachers probably know it too. For whatever reason reality is not comfortable for her on this one. Engaging serves no real purpose. It will make her deal with an uncomfortable truth without fixing much of anything.

The closest I would come is to address it in the moment by feigning genuine concern:
MB: “Oh you always spoil her!”
Nanny: “Is that really something you are concerned about? What rules do you feel I am not successfully enforcing?”

Do MBs ever look at their own actions?

It’s the nature of being a nanny. The mother accepts all the praise and the nanny gets the criticism. Make your peace with it.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it doesn't sound critical at all to me. And since as you say your MB is very indulgent to her children, it might be a compliment to you, that she perceives you to be indulgent and herself is indulgent. It sounds like she thinks you love the child on equal footing.

OP here. She knows I love her child. The issue is she is blaming me for things she is doing.

Honestly it doesn't sound critical at all to me. And since as you say your MB is very indulgent to her children, it might be a compliment to you, that she perceives you to be indulgent and herself is indulgent. It sounds like she thinks you love the child on equal footing.

Anonymous wrote:They’re Croatian? What language do you speak?

Ha ha! Auto correct and a strange story correct at that! I meant to write I am not good with criticism.

They’re Croatian? What language do you speak?

My employer “lovingly”, jokingly, blames me for coddling her child and doing too much for her. But, in all honesty, she is the one who coddles my charge. I am really so tired of taking the blame for something I swear I am not doing.

Example: when my charge is with me, it’s my charge’s job to put her clothes into the hamper and pick up her toys. When I get to work the next morning, my charge’s clothes, towel and wash cloths are all over the bathroom floor.

I taught my charge to dress herself. My employer dresses her. Then when the preschool says that my charge won’t put on her own shoes when asked, my employer tells the teachers, “she has a nanny who does everything for her”.

My charge is an easy cryer and basically cries instead of tantrums. I talk to my charge in a very neutral tone but don’t fix things for her. Her mother is all over her. The preschool teachers said this was an issue in class and they basically do what I do and let her work it out. My employer tells ME to be tougher with her!

We are headed for a showdown here. My employers projection is fricking off the charts. I am not great with Croatian but I don’t think any of the crap being projected on me is reality.

Vent, I guess. Unless anyone can help me politely and politically tell me how best to address this.