Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult = stuff like recognizing that hair in the shower drain will clog eventually and actually using the catcher/emptying it rather than simply removing it out of short term convenience.
Immature 19yo has never had to clean up after themselves in a meaningful way and whines 3 months later that the shower doesn’t drain after it’s reached a crisis level. Also likes to blow dry hair and never notices stray hairs grossly stuck to the walls.

Seriously though. The awareness and ability to clean up after yourself is much better in a slightly older candidate who has lived independently before...

OP here and even a mature girl might not care about hair on the walls, but the drain thing, exactly. Solving her own problems like changing a lightbulb when it blows out, at least having an understanding of what maintenance issues her car might have and mentioning them to us, emptying the lint catch in the washer if it's not drying her clothes (my current AP said when she got here she's never done her own laundry; it never occurred to me to ask because I did mine starting at 11...).

I get that there might be APs who don't need help with this, and there might be older APs who suck at adulthood, but I'm just trying to improve my odds here.

PP. We tell APs they are responsible for cleaning the hall bath because only AP and kids use it. There's a detailed checklist that can be summed up as: bleach wipe every possible surface or spray it with cleaner once a week. Time expected for chore is about 15 minutes a week.

We basically use this as a test case to see if an AP is too much of a princess and comes back to say they should not be responsible for cleaning bathrooms (which has happened). If you're too afraid to bleach wipe a little pee from random bathroom surfaces (little boys totally miss at times), then you're not mature enough for the job in our household.

Do we hover and make sure the bathroom is sanitized every week by AP? No. But it's just enough that we've gotten 2 APs who aren't afraid of cleaning or totally don't see any mess (our AP before that).

Anonymous wrote:Adult = stuff like recognizing that hair in the shower drain will clog eventually and actually using the catcher/emptying it rather than simply removing it out of short term convenience.
Immature 19yo has never had to clean up after themselves in a meaningful way and whines 3 months later that the shower doesn’t drain after it’s reached a crisis level. Also likes to blow dry hair and never notices stray hairs grossly stuck to the walls.

Seriously though. The awareness and ability to clean up after yourself is much better in a slightly older candidate who has lived independently before...

OP here and even a mature girl might not care about hair on the walls, but the drain thing, exactly. Solving her own problems like changing a lightbulb when it blows out, at least having an understanding of what maintenance issues her car might have and mentioning them to us, emptying the lint catch in the washer if it's not drying her clothes (my current AP said when she got here she's never done her own laundry; it never occurred to me to ask because I did mine starting at 11...).

I get that there might be APs who don't need help with this, and there might be older APs who suck at adulthood, but I'm just trying to improve my odds here.

Anonymous wrote:Again, I don't expect AP to manage my household, I expect AP to be a real adult who has done it for herself already.

Did you consider APs raised by single parents? Especially those with younger siblings might have the skills you are looking for without ever having lived on their own.

Adult = stuff like recognizing that hair in the shower drain will clog eventually and actually using the catcher/emptying it rather than simply removing it out of short term convenience.
Immature 19yo has never had to clean up after themselves in a meaningful way and whines 3 months later that the shower doesn’t drain after it’s reached a crisis level. Also likes to blow dry hair and never notices stray hairs grossly stuck to the walls.

Seriously though. The awareness and ability to clean up after yourself is much better in a slightly older candidate who has lived independently before...

Anonymous wrote:O also don't get the "manage the household" idea. Are you using a bad choice of words? What do you really mean? Can you be more explicit?

i just wanted someone to take of my kid in a safe and loving manner 45 hours a week without getting bored (and therefore careless). I got a wonderful 21-year old Brazilian who did not come from a wealthy family and was not a princess.

I can manage my own household. Hell, I can manage anything -- I am an ESL teacher in an urban High School!

Again, I don't expect AP to manage my household, I expect AP to be a real adult who has done it for herself already. I also wouldn't want an 18 yr old roommate, would you?

O also don't get the "manage the household" idea. Are you using a bad choice of words? What do you really mean? Can you be more explicit?

i just wanted someone to take of my kid in a safe and loving manner 45 hours a week without getting bored (and therefore careless). I got a wonderful 21-year old Brazilian who did not come from a wealthy family and was not a princess.

I can manage my own household. Hell, I can manage anything -- I am an ESL teacher in an urban High School!

Anonymous wrote:We also screen for candidates who have lived alone so I completely understand. But after a few years at this, I'm convinced that a great match is a crapshoot since you can't test chemistry over Facetime or email. We screened and screened for our first AP and thought she was the perfect match; she ended up being a disaster. We rushed into our second match and she was fantastic. On paper, both had the same things we screen for.

So, stick to your gut about what you think works for you. Then, think about how you come across to them. You don't want it to come across as an easy gig where they'll be partying all the time, but you want them to think you're welcoming and really want them to be your AP. Emphasize the downsides and the perks in the same email. And since you're looking for someone who is independent, make that an upside, not a downside ("We're so impressed that you've worked xxx -- we're looking for someone who can take those skills and help our household improve in that area".
Good luck!

IMO, this might scare off some APs. It makes it sound like the household is a mess and AP is expected to fix it.

We also screen for candidates who have lived alone so I completely understand. But after a few years at this, I'm convinced that a great match is a crapshoot since you can't test chemistry over Facetime or email. We screened and screened for our first AP and thought she was the perfect match; she ended up being a disaster. We rushed into our second match and she was fantastic. On paper, both had the same things we screen for.

So, stick to your gut about what you think works for you. Then, think about how you come across to them. You don't want it to come across as an easy gig where they'll be partying all the time, but you want them to think you're welcoming and really want them to be your AP. Emphasize the downsides and the perks in the same email. And since you're looking for someone who is independent, make that an upside, not a downside ("We're so impressed that you've worked xxx -- we're looking for someone who can take those skills and help our household improve in that area".
Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Why are you expecting your AP to manage your household? Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but that is not really her job.

I didn't say I expect that. I want someone who has achieved that level of independence, for its own sake. An AP who has only ever had the household arrangement where some other adult managed their household is not a fit for our family.

Why are you expecting your AP to manage your household? Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but that is not really her job.

Okay well. What I liked about my last AP was that she was an adult who could manage a household. What I don't like about my 19 yr old AP is that she is 19, and has never managed an adult's life.

I'm not asking for advice about what I want. I know what I want. I'm asking for advice about how to get it.

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask yourself what is important to you and why. For example, you say you want to focus on girls who are older and have lived alone. Why? What need does that fill for you? FWIW, we absolutely do not want someone who has lived alone because we think it may be harder to adjust to coming to live in a family house. We look for maturity in other ways.

Also, ask yourself what you liked about your first AP. What questions would have told you that she had these qualities? On the flip side, why is AP2 a terrible fit? What questions would have told you she had these qualities?

As to making yourself more appealing, someone who is older and has lived alone is likely to expect/want more independence. Do you have any house rules? Rules that may be acceptable for an 18 year old recent high school grad may be rejected by someone who is older.

This is a great advice. I doubt that all older APs who lived alone will be a good fit for your family. I bet it's something else that you think you are likely to find within that group. So try to spend more time thinking carefully about what it is that you are looking for.

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask yourself what is important to you and why. For example, you say you want to focus on girls who are older and have lived alone. Why? What need does that fill for you? FWIW, we absolutely do not want someone who has lived alone because we think it may be harder to adjust to coming to live in a family house. We look for maturity in other ways.

Also, ask yourself what you liked about your first AP. What questions would have told you that she had these qualities? On the flip side, why is AP2 a terrible fit? What questions would have told you she had these qualities?

As to making yourself more appealing, someone who is older and has lived alone is likely to expect/want more independence. Do you have any house rules? Rules that may be acceptable for an 18 year old recent high school grad may be rejected by someone who is older.

Well, of course I've done the first part, which is how I came to realize young APs who have never managed their own household are not a fit. It's more than just maturity, it's household management competence.

No turn-off house rules. Lots of perks that ought to appeal to an older girl (no curfew, guests welcome, car available, private space, extra pay) but for whatever reason (like many posters said in that other thread, might be racism?) we don't get to the interview stage, so we need to improve our marketing I guess.

I've gotten advice on this board before to take a "dare to match" approach but we apparently don't have that luxury.

You need to ask yourself what is important to you and why. For example, you say you want to focus on girls who are older and have lived alone. Why? What need does that fill for you? FWIW, we absolutely do not want someone who has lived alone because we think it may be harder to adjust to coming to live in a family house. We look for maturity in other ways.

Also, ask yourself what you liked about your first AP. What questions would have told you that she had these qualities? On the flip side, why is AP2 a terrible fit? What questions would have told you she had these qualities?

As to making yourself more appealing, someone who is older and has lived alone is likely to expect/want more independence. Do you have any house rules? Rules that may be acceptable for an 18 year old recent high school grad may be rejected by someone who is older.

We have matched with 2 APs. One was perfect for us but sort of a fluke in matching. The second is a terrible fit for us. I'm seriously considering going into rematch with her, but I need to dramatically improve my "match game" whether we go the distance with this girl or not. FWIW we have struggled to match in the past before, with many rejections.

What have you done to make your gig seem appealing to the kind of AP you would want to match with? We really want to focus on girls who are older and have lived alone.