Your house, your rules. Our handbook states that we don't allow romantic sleepovers of any kind. Our handbook also states that we only allow a few weekends of guests during her year -- meaning mom and dad can pay a visit for a weekend, best friend can come for a weekend, brother too. But that's about it. Longer than a weekend and it's off to the hotel. That may sound cruel but we don't want to be an airbnb for their year here.

One of the many reasons I would never match with an AP who states she has a boyfriend at home. Even if she lies about it, at least she can't ask for this "accommodation" for the non-existent boyfriend. If she finds a boyfriend here, they can go to his place.

They're young and don't have much money, please don't ask him to stay at a hotel.
He can stay at your house (if you agree to in the first place of course) and you get to decide if he can sleep in the AP's bedroom or in a spare bedroom.
I'm sure it'll work out either way

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP, regarding your situation, the question is would you let your 19 y o daughter have her bf visit and if yes what would the sleeping arrangements be? Do the same with the Ap. You don’t want to have double standards.

Sure, but would my child's be so brazen as to say the possibility of staying apart is ridic, and have my daughter give me his memo? Hotel, baby, here you come.

Anonymous wrote:Our 19 yr old au pair will have her boyfriend visiting for a week and is asking where he can sleep (in her room or elsewhere). Boyfriend, per her report, thinks it’s ridicule couldn’t share a bed with her while visiting.

We have tween and young teen kids in our home that are well aware of what may be happening behind closed doors. I am inclined to tell the au pair that her boyfriend is welcome to the couch or the other guest bedroom, but cannot share her room (and its single bed). I’m thinking ahead to the questions I’ll get from my kids and the precedent I’d be setting for my very observant kids - sleepover with significant other in your room is a-okay.

Am I overthinking this? What’s reasonable? The au pair and her boyfriend will have an empty house to enjoy from 7:30am-3pm every day, so I’m not concerned they’ll miss out on private time - there is a LOT that can be accomplished during those hours, with NO tween/teens around to wonder.

Opinions? Your past experiences and what you’ve learned? Thanks!

That's enough for me to send him to a hotel, regardless what my actual stance on bed sharing is.

I am the PP, regarding your situation, the question is would you let your 19 y o daughter have her bf visit and if yes what would the sleeping arrangements be? Do the same with the Ap. You don’t want to have double standards.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something the AP program needs to address, and host families need to address prior to match, too. American culture is a lot less "open" than some of the places these girls come from, and that's just how it is. They should know in advance if they're in a home that allows it or doesn't, because I do think this is kind of a big deal when you're 20 and your boyfriend comes from overseas to see you.

I can pretty much guarantee you won't get her best the week he's here, too.

A bit off topic, I just discovered recently that my AP agency doesn’t allow APs to have visiting guests stay with HF. The AP actually sign that agreement. Is this one of those rules that AP and HF ignore or is it just with my agency (EurAuPair). PS: my AP had visitors stay with me and I didn’t.

Anonymous wrote:I was an au pair when I was 19 and my boyfriend came over for a week too. The guest room was next to my room. The parents told me that his stuff was to be in there and he was to be in their when the kids were awake in the morning but aside from that they didnt care where he was between the hours the kids went to bed and the kids woke up.
I would suggest something similar, respect your family but know they are 19 and will want to be together at night.

This!

I think this is something the AP program needs to address, and host families need to address prior to match, too. American culture is a lot less "open" than some of the places these girls come from, and that's just how it is. They should know in advance if they're in a home that allows it or doesn't, because I do think this is kind of a big deal when you're 20 and your boyfriend comes from overseas to see you.

I can pretty much guarantee you won't get her best the week he's here, too.

I was an au pair when I was 19 and my boyfriend came over for a week too. The guest room was next to my room. The parents told me that his stuff was to be in there and he was to be in their when the kids were awake in the morning but aside from that they didnt care where he was between the hours the kids went to bed and the kids woke up.
I would suggest something similar, respect your family but know they are 19 and will want to be together at night.

The fact that she's saying her boyfriend thinks it's ridiculous suggests to me that SHE thinks it's ridiculous and is scapegoating him. Or he's going to be a rude houseguest if he's potentially judging your house rules during his free stay in the States. Tell her it's the couch or a hotel and to be grateful.

So I know we are on the extreme end of things, but in our 11 years of hosting, we allowed our APs and bps to have their commited, long term, monogamous SOs stay with them with very clear rules: 1) we hear nothing that makes anyone uncomfortable and 2) we see nothing that makes anyone uncomfortable. I too had tweens and teens while this happened. Everyone was fine with it and it wasn’t a big deal. No one asked questions. At the slightest violation of my rules, it would have been over, but no one ever violated them. I should say that at 19, when I was in college, I shared a bedroom w my serious, committed boyfriend at my parents’ house when we visited, with same (then unspoken) rules so I don’t see this as a problem. It depends on your family values and your comfort with your ap. If you trust her and like her and feel she will respect your family by not making anyone uncomfortable and if this doesn’t violate your sense of propriety, then I see no reason not to allow a shared room. But if it does violate your sense of propriety or if you don’t trust her not to be stupid and make you all feel yucky from having to see or hear anything you don’t want To see or hear, it’s fine to insist on couch or hotel.

If boyfriend already mentioned that he thinks it's ridiculous he can't sleep in her room - yes, hotel. Unless you want sneaking into bed with her in the middle of the night. If hotel is not an option, guest bedroom.

When my boyfriend and I visited my HF after I had completed my year I shared with my oldest girl and he had the guest room. But we were both fine with not sharing and were aware that my HF would not aprove (two teens, one pre-teens - who all had (multiple) kids before I did but at least the oldest two were married and in their 20s and there was only a 6 year age difference between the oldest and me).

On the other hand... you might be overthinking it your very observant kids, depending on their age, might very well be aware what can be accomplished between 7.30 am and 3 pm. The time span between 10 pm and 6 am might not make a difference. And allowing AP's boyfriend to share with her might make your kids more comfortable with their own sexuality (and discussing it with you) in the future. But it really depends on how you want it. If you don't want your kids to see they share... they don't share. If you don't want him moving from the guest room into her room in the middle of the night... he can't sleep in your house (until they promise they won't do it). It really depents on how comfortable you are with the whole situation.

Maybe a hotel would be best

Our 19 yr old au pair will have her boyfriend visiting for a week and is asking where he can sleep (in her room or elsewhere). Boyfriend, per her report, thinks it’s ridicule couldn’t share a bed with her while visiting.

We have tween and young teen kids in our home that are well aware of what may be happening behind closed doors. I am inclined to tell the au pair that her boyfriend is welcome to the couch or the other guest bedroom, but cannot share her room (and its single bed). I’m thinking ahead to the questions I’ll get from my kids and the precedent I’d be setting for my very observant kids - sleepover with significant other in your room is a-okay.

Am I overthinking this? What’s reasonable? The au pair and her boyfriend will have an empty house to enjoy from 7:30am-3pm every day, so I’m not concerned they’ll miss out on private time - there is a LOT that can be accomplished during those hours, with NO tween/teens around to wonder.

Opinions? Your past experiences and what you’ve learned? Thanks!