Anonymous wrote:So, I eventually lightly confronted her over dinner and said the cigarettes were an old pack and she only ever smokes when she’s out socially. I let it go. A few times I have smelled smoke on her. I let it go. Last night she left a bathroom window open which caused pipes to freeze, so had to go into her space. It smelled intensely of smoke. I asked her and she said no - she had gone outside in the morning and smoked outside. I suspect she was smoking in the bathroom last night and that’s why the window was open. She claims she opens it because there is water after she showers and she wants it to dry out. Not sure how to handle.

Are you in the DC area? No way anyone should have been opening any windows around here last night! It seems like she has lied a few times to you. That would bother me more than the smoking. You need to be able to trust the person living in your house and taking care of your kids. I think you may need to rematch.

So, I eventually lightly confronted her over dinner and said the cigarettes were an old pack and she only ever smokes when she’s out socially. I let it go. A few times I have smelled smoke on her. I let it go. Last night she left a bathroom window open which caused pipes to freeze, so had to go into her space. It smelled intensely of smoke. I asked her and she said no - she had gone outside in the morning and smoked outside. I suspect she was smoking in the bathroom last night and that’s why the window was open. She claims she opens it because there is water after she showers and she wants it to dry out. Not sure how to handle.

She lied because you reacted in a serious or alarmed manner and she got scared. You already know shes a smoker, no need to ask her. It really is none of your business as long as she smokes in her free time. you can repeat to her that you don't tolerate snnoking while she is working, otherwise, let it go and stop being controlling.

OP here. On her questionnaire for matching she described herself as a non-smoker. I believe that we followed up during the interview, but perhaps not since she had written non-smoker. We have an English basement apartment where she stays - we do not go down there unless requested, and haven't noticed signs of smoking. Have taken the car she uses to fill up gas - does not seem to be smoking in car. Just smelled it on her the morning and asked. Then she voluntarily started a long convo on how they put the fear of death into them re:smoking in the au pair program and then she herself does not smoke. That's why I am upset. If you are carrying cigarettes in your fanny pack, you are a smoker, but again if you are smoking in a bar, it's your problem. Lying to me about it becomes my problem. Worrying about whether you are smoking in a park with a stroller in one hand becomes my problem.

I'd kick out her to the curb for both the smoking and the lying. If you matched with her on the assumption she's not a smoker, and not smoking is important to you, then that's enough -- the lying about an issue that she knew was an issue when you matched just compounds it.

I think you should walk back the "I'm OK with your smoking outside the house" -- if that's not what you said during matching, I don't think you should bend over backwards to avoid confrontation now.

It is not just a question of whether she smokes on her own time. It is well-documented that smokers bring third-hand smoke into the house or the car because it gets into their clothes. I am 100% not OK with first-, second-, or third-hand smoke in my house. An adult living on her own is perfectly free to smoke. An employee living in my house and caring for my kids is not free to smoke at any time, no matter where she smokes, because she is bringing toxic smoke residue into my house.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/third-hand-smoke/faq-20057791

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2018/05/09/third-hand-smoke-is-widespread-and-may-be-dangerous-mounting-evidence-shows/?utm_term=.5d630d56e7d4

http://www.center4research.org/third-hand-smoke/

https://no-smoke.org/smokefree-threats/thirdhand-smoke/

As a person who smokes one or fewer cigarettes in a day-probably three or four a week-I think it's crazy to say that if she has cigarettes in a purse that she has been smoking around your child. I don't empty my purse/backpack/etc. every single time I leave the house, and neither do most people that I know. Further, I would never smoke around children.
You told her that you don't care if she smokes in her off time and that it's her business, yet here you are asking her about it. She likely feels uncomfortable for exactly the reasons you listed. I think you should back off unless she does something that leads you to believe she's in any way endangered your child. If you find out she smokes at the park while your child is playing, that's a problem. Owning cigarettes? Not a problem.

Anonymous wrote:Pp, so you think lying is okay? Because if she lied about this, chances are that she has or will lie about other things.

PP here. I do not think that lying is ok. However, if being a smoker is a deal breaker for the AP, then the lying part does not matter. (For me, it would have been a deal breaker, so maybe that’s where I am coming from.) If it’s not a deal breaker for the OP, I would give her a second chance. Yes, she lied, but she was (and is) facing the possibility of being sent home had she told the truth. While I do not consider lying ok, I can put myself in her shoes to see why she did it.

Anonymous wrote:I would confront her again, give her another chance to come clean. If she tells you again that she doesn’t smoke, I would tell her that you saw the cigarettes when she opened her purse. Let her take it from there, see how she responds. I too would be more upset about the lying.

+1. And I'd tell her upfront that you were clear the fact that you're OK with her smoking off-duty, but you're not cool with lying. If she continues to deny, then you have a choice to make whether she can stay. Personally we screen for smokers because as PP said, I assume if they smoke out of the house, they're going to occasionally smoke near/in the house.

Pp, so you think lying is okay? Because if she lied about this, chances are that she has or will lie about other things.

In this particular case, I am not that worried about lying. The bottom line is: you have a smoker. Can you live with it (under the conditions that she won't be smoking in the house) or not.

I had a smoking au pair. I think it’s basically inevitable that she will end up smoking when you generally would have forbidden it so you’re just going to need to rematch.

Anonymous wrote:You said what she did on her own time was not your business, so just be a grown up and let it go.
She doesn't smoke in your house or in front of the kids so let her do what she wants on her time off.
She only lied because you were sneaky, you should be ashamed of yourself for asking her.

Nope - wasn't sneaky. She smelled like smoke. I simply asked. She chose to lie about it. Also, she had packed the fanny pack for a day of taking my baby to a park in a stroller. I would have a problem with her smoking while walking my baby in a stroller. If she wants to smoke in a bar with her friends - don't care. Smoking while in a park with my kid - care. I should be ashamed of myself for this???? Eff you.

You said what she did on her own time was not your business, so just be a grown up and let it go.
She doesn't smoke in your house or in front of the kids so let her do what she wants on her time off.
She only lied because you were sneaky, you should be ashamed of yourself for asking her.

I would confront her again, give her another chance to come clean. If she tells you again that she doesn’t smoke, I would tell her that you saw the cigarettes when she opened her purse. Let her take it from there, see how she responds. I too would be more upset about the lying.

A few times I have smelled smoke on the au pair. When I lightly asked her if she has been smoking, she said she doesn’t smoke. I have lived in her host country and I know a lot of young people smoke there. She said that APIA had stressed both in her country and in training that Americans are very anti-smoking and that smoking could get them kicked out of the program. I said she was an adult and that I trusted that she would never smoke in the house, car, or around DS, but that what she did on her own time was not my business. She insisted that she does not smoke. Today when she was pulling out her keys, I saw a pack of marbolos in her fanny pack. It’s the lying that bothers me. I’m not sure what to do.