Anonymous wrote:Currently searching for ap #4, joining our family in mid-September. Our family is planning a big multi/generation trip over Christmas this year and it will not include our au pair (due to logistics, cost, and it being a family trip). I’m wondering if I need to disclose that our ap will be “on her own” over Christmas and offer either that they could go back home for 2 weeks, travel in the US during the time, have a friend visit, or stay with the other side of our family from where we will be in order not to “be alone”. Thoughts on how to approach this?

Do talk about it. Some APs would be ok with it, others not. You are giving her a lot of option and hopefully one will work for her. All of our APs came from cultures where Christmas was a big deal (not necessarily in a devoutly religious way but culturally) and we always invited them with us for our family Christmas trips (which were to relatives not expensive resorts) and most came and still remember those times fondly. However, I could see some girls doing fine on their own after 3 months (6 months would be better) and others would be depressed and homesick to be left alone at Christmas (even if they initially thought it would be fun to be on their own).

We give our AP several extra weeks of vacation - with 3 kids we can't take the AP on road trips. Sometimes we give a little extra money towards her travel during that time, and sometimes we just let the time off be a bonus. The tricky think about Winter breaks is how expensive travel can be, so we help steer our AP toward some off the beaten path destinations for those time.

I am the former AP that was left alone after 3 weeks.

I don't think they realized I would upset by their vacation without me. Maybe they thought I'd be happy "at home" by myself. I had the car and a cheque for some groceries. Which was a lovely gesture I didn't abuse.

What would be fair, I think, is to tell the AP that some vacation are taken with and without her so that everybody can enjoy their time off. It's always better when everything is said upfront.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former AP here.

I was shocked when I learned my host family wouldn't take me on a trip abroad 3 weeks after my arrival.
I was trying to get used to my new life and felt lonely in their house all by myself.
I was told I would be treated like family so I was taken aback when I wasn't included.
I would have wanted to know in advance as it would have been a reason for me not to accept them as a host family.

I'm sure many APs would be OK with that so that they can go home or travel. But since you can't be sure, it's better to disclose it beforehand so that nobody's disapointed.

Curious to know if you ended up staying the rest of the year with this HF and was able to get pass this or not. Was your relationship with the HF ever the same after this?

I ended up leaving for other reasons.
I didn't tell them I was upset not to be included.
It was their right not to
But this is not what I wanted, maybe I was naive, but I really wanted to be treated like family.

Would you consider that you aren’t being treated “like family” in op’s case? It sounds like this is an exception for the family and perhaps a trip not organized or paid for by host parents, so they have less say. Also it’s a period @3 months after their ap starts, not 3 weeks which I agree is a terrible time to leave a brand new ap to herself.

Yes, disclose. More chance to harm by not doing so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former AP here.

I was shocked when I learned my host family wouldn't take me on a trip abroad 3 weeks after my arrival.
I was trying to get used to my new life and felt lonely in their house all by myself.
I was told I would be treated like family so I was taken aback when I wasn't included.
I would have wanted to know in advance as it would have been a reason for me not to accept them as a host family.

I'm sure many APs would be OK with that so that they can go home or travel. But since you can't be sure, it's better to disclose it beforehand so that nobody's disapointed.

Curious to know if you ended up staying the rest of the year with this HF and was able to get pass this or not. Was your relationship with the HF ever the same after this?

I ended up leaving for other reasons.
I didn't tell them I was upset not to be included.
It was their right not to
But this is not what I wanted, maybe I was naive, but I really wanted to be treated like family.

I would disclose it. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for an uncomfortable conversation and hurt feelings.

Anonymous wrote:Former AP here.

I was shocked when I learned my host family wouldn't take me on a trip abroad 3 weeks after my arrival.
I was trying to get used to my new life and felt lonely in their house all by myself.
I was told I would be treated like family so I was taken aback when I wasn't included.
I would have wanted to know in advance as it would have been a reason for me not to accept them as a host family.

I'm sure many APs would be OK with that so that they can go home or travel. But since you can't be sure, it's better to disclose it beforehand so that nobody's disapointed.

Curious to know if you ended up staying the rest of the year with this HF and was able to get pass this or not. Was your relationship with the HF ever the same after this?

Former AP here.

I was shocked when I learned my host family wouldn't take me on a trip abroad 3 weeks after my arrival.
I was trying to get used to my new life and felt lonely in their house all by myself.
I was told I would be treated like family so I was taken aback when I wasn't included.
I would have wanted to know in advance as it would have been a reason for me not to accept them as a host family.

I'm sure many APs would be OK with that so that they can go home or travel. But since you can't be sure, it's better to disclose it beforehand so that nobody's disapointed.

The issue is we usually take our au pairs on trips with us, or give them the option to join at the least, this is an exception for us.

Absolutely disclose.

Some APs will be ecstatic that they get 2 weeks off and can go see family or go to Miami on vacation.

Others will be devastated that they are on their own for the most important holiday in their lives.

Either way, you don't want their to be any misunderstandings. and you want to find a good, independent AP who will view this positively.

Yes, as much transparency as possible to set expectations is helpful. This required us to do some advanced travel planning so that we would explain we have certain trips we cannot take au pair with us. For most au pairs, family trips are not their idea of a "vacation" - so most are happy to stay home and utilize the time as vacation. If you're not sure about your plans, you can set up the expectation that "Unfortunately, we are not able to take our au pair on most trips with us. However, we will let you know what those dates are in advanced so that you can plan your days off." With our rockstar au pairs, we would use our airline miles to buy them a ticket while we were on travel.

Yes. I would disclose. We do not take our APs on most vacations and disclose it. No issues.

We go away between Christmas and New Year every year, and we do not bring our AP. As the matching process goes on, we bring up the question of vacation and ask them if they have thoughts of where they'd like to visit and whether any of their friends are planning also to do an AP year. At this point, we mention that this week is an excellent time to plan vacation, whether it means having a friend or family come or whether they want to travel or go home. In our 11 years in the program, I'd say that about 1/3 have had family come, 1/3 have had friends or SOs come, and 1/3 have gone home for the two weeks. It's never been an issue with any of them. We raise it early and casually, so they know about it from the start. We also make sure to allow them to leave early if they are going home, so they can get a good/cheaper flight (we let them leave around the 17th or so). For those who have friends or family come, we welcome them to come when they want and stay into the new year - until the 3rd or 4th, so again, the flights are more manageable. If you can make some accommodations for your AP, this shouldn't be an issue at all.

Currently searching for ap #4, joining our family in mid-September. Our family is planning a big multi/generation trip over Christmas this year and it will not include our au pair (due to logistics, cost, and it being a family trip). I’m wondering if I need to disclose that our ap will be “on her own” over Christmas and offer either that they could go back home for 2 weeks, travel in the US during the time, have a friend visit, or stay with the other side of our family from where we will be in order not to “be alone”. Thoughts on how to approach this?