Anonymous wrote:It requires a lot of preparation to level set to avoid misunderstandings about what this is and what it is not.

Anonymous wrote:She’s not going to be working very much but if the kids aren’t interested in the camp on the ship we will have her babysit a few evenings so we can have a nice dinner or similar.

OP, if you are going to do this, do not have IF conditional arrangements. She might "hear" your IF as she will have ALL evenings free since the kids are going to camp. Instead, tell AP straight out that she will babysit X number of dinner evenings period. Then, if you don't need her to do it, you can give her the time off and it will be perceived as a bonus extra evening off. It is all optics.

What sort of guidelines and expectations should I spell out before we leave? We will not pay for extras like excursions, photos of souvenirs. Any other tips from those who have taken an ap on vacation?

You have only known AP for 4 months, so you are going to need to set out detailed guidelines and expectations. Is AP aware that you are not paying for excursions and does she have enough money saved to do so? Is she OK with staying by the cruise ship pool while you and your family take an excursion? Will her feelings be hurt? Will she be resentful?

Will she be "on call" every evening the kids cry about going to camp? Or will you give her a set evening schedule of when she needs to babysit?

Do you want her to join you at every meal? Will you be annoyed if she does/doesn't?

It requires a lot of preparation to level set to avoid misunderstandings about what this is and what it is not.

And this is where it quickly falls out of feeling like a true vacation to me because I am constantly negotiating in my head before, during, and after the trip/vacation. We invite AP to all local fun events...sports events, day trip to the beach, family dinners out, movies, bowling, ice skating etc. We pay for everything and AP is not working even for a second.

I no longer take AP with us on overnight vacations. First, I have three school age boys so who is AP going to share a room with? I am not paying for a private room. And I don't need AP's help. Even with our best APs, I need a breather from the AP dynamic. I want me kids to myself. I want to walk around in my underwear, flirt with DH at dinner, have an extra drink, and just not have AP's comfort and happiness on my mind.

I am also a rule follower when it comes to this program. I don't need anything else in my life to take up space in my brain. I think it has served us well as we have never been in rematch, needed LCC intervention, etc.

I think it is really nice that you invited AP. But, my biggest fear is that something goes wrong between your mother and AP. It is one thing to "get along well" but it is a completely different thing to share a room together for a week. This would just not be a risk that I would be willing to take. Especially only knowing someone for a few months.

We all know that some HM and AP bends the rule on many aspects of the program that is not allowed
- AP working more than 45 hours per week or 10 hours per day
- AP babysitting other people's kids
- AP doing cleaning lady work (like cleaning the whole house)
- AP not having a private bedroom

It is up to the HM to decide how much risk she wants to take, knowing that she is breaking the rules. If both sides agree at the time, HM still runs the risk of it coming back to bite her later if the relationship turns bad.

Taking an AP on a trip is full of risk that could endanger what is otherwise a good relationship, if there are no clear agreed arrangements and understanding before going (work hours, personal hours, who pays what). If not set up and communicated, AP comes back resentful when she feels like she was on-call the entire time because there was no work schedule and she did not know when she is excused to have free time, that she had to pay for things that she thought the HM is paying for, that a little babysitting turned into 24/7. HM comes back resentful when AP did not give a helping hand and just sat/stood there or on her phone, iPad or headphones, when AP did not show appreciation and gratitude, when AP did not engage with HF and just disappeared, when AP expects HM to pay for everything.

Define and set expectation on what this is for the AP - is it a VACATION (leisure) or a FAMILY TRIP (work)?

These trips can be very successful with both sides coming back happier than ever. It requires a lot of preparation to level set to avoid misunderstandings about what this is and what it is not.

OP thanks for taking your OP, If she is happy staying in a room with Grandma and it was a choice then that is fine.
I was an au pair many years ago and my family offered to take me skiiing with them in Colorodo or take the week off. I chose to go with them to see more of America and loved it. I did not have my own room, I shared a loft area with an other adult relative. It was a great opportunity for me to do something I would never have gotten to do.
I am sure your AP apppreciates you taking her.

Former AP here.

It's really nice from you to take her on this cruise
I wish my host family had taken me on their vacation back then. It is a great opportunity to travel and live something new!

The key to make it work is to have a schedule ready for her so she can plan her week. You already know the ports of call and days at sea so it can't be hard to plan on when you'll need her.

She can't be on call at all times to see if the kids like the activities. Give her a schedule and ask for some flexibility if something comes along and you need to change the hours.

I do not agree with the PP who say the AP needs her private room. Yes it's against the rules but honestly, the AP wouldn't even make it on the trip if the host family had to pay for a private stateroom for her. Let it go !

About excursions, make it clear in advance she's responsible for these.

I would pay excursions if you are doing them for your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Technically, if the AP works regardless if it is a minute or the full 45 hours week during this trip, then the AP is required by the program rules to be provided with a private room. If you do not have her work, babysit whatever you want to call it, then sharing a room with Grandma is fine. However, you already said that there is an expectation that she will care for the kids to some extent. Then, this means she is working on this trip and having her room with Grandma is a program violation. She may agree to it now. If things go south, the AP can use this against you and report that you violated a program rule and you risk g

This is true.

Many things in the program are in the gray area and up for interpretation. However, it is black and white when it comes to providing a private room to an AP when AP have childcare responsibility, at home, on a trip, whatever.

Technically, if the AP works regardless if it is a minute or the full 45 hours week during this trip, then the AP is required by the program rules to be provided with a private room. If you do not have her work, babysit whatever you want to call it, then sharing a room with Grandma is fine. However, you already said that there is an expectation that she will care for the kids to some extent. Then, this means she is working on this trip and having her room with Grandma is a program violation. She may agree to it now. If things go south, the AP can use this against you and report that you violated a program rule and you risk g

This is true.

Technically, if the AP works regardless if it is a minute or the full 45 hours week during this trip, then the AP is required by the program rules to be provided with a private room. If you do not have her work, babysit whatever you want to call it, then sharing a room with Grandma is fine. However, you already said that there is an expectation that she will care for the kids to some extent. Then, this means she is working on this trip and having her room with Grandma is a program violation. She may agree to it now. If things go south, the AP can use this against you and report that you violated a program rule and you risk getting kicked out of the program.

We have taken our au pairs on family vacations with us. They were working some during the time, but substantially less than the regular workweek at home. During their off-time, they were welcome to do things on their own, or to join our activities. This is pretty much exactly what we told them. If they chose to join, we paid for it (excursions, dinners, etc.) Some au pairs chose to explore more on their own, others spent more time with us. Hope you have a great trip!

She is coming on this trip all expenses paid because she wants to. If she didn’t come she would have an extra week of vacation. The room has two sleeping spaces and share a bathroom so she will have her own space, and it’s not as if we are expecting her to room with the kids.

I’m not sure we will be doing any excursions other than perhaps taking taxis to the beach. I’ll have to figure out how comfortable I am with her doing her own thing or requiring that she stay with us. She likely will anyway because she prefers to be with people but maybe she’ll make friends and want to do something with them.

If she is working, she is supposed to have a private bedroom...just like at home. The rules don’t change because of Disney or she likes grandma.

Is this a working week for the AP? In that case, you can have her babysit whenever. If it is one of her vacation weeks, then I would not ask for the babysitting and you would probably need to offer to include her in any excursions YOU take. That way there is less chance of her getting lost or missing the tender back or whatever. I'm a little surprised she is enthused about sharing a room with Grandma, but I guess if they get on well... It's nice of you to include the AP and I hope you all have a great time.

We are going on a Disney cruise next month and at the last minute asked our au pair if she wants to join us. She is great and we get along well and the kids adore her. She had been with us about 4.5 months and settled in quickly.

She will share a room with my husband’s mother, with whom she is quite friendly (they are from the same country). She is fine with this arrangement and very excited about the trip.

We will obviously be paying for her transportation, lodging and food. She’s not going to be working very much but if the kids aren’t interested in the camp on the ship we will have her babysit a few evenings so we can have a nice dinner or similar.

What sort of guidelines and expectations should I spell out before we leave? We will not pay for extras like excursions, photos of souvenirs. Any other tips from those who have taken an ap on vacation?