One thing that sticks out is the wide variety of consequences - too many. Stick to a few and you might get better results. Kids need consistency.

I second what 15:03 said but this needs both parents and other caregivers corporations not the nanny only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try reading some Kazdin or Ross Greene and see if you think their work applies. If so, it might be worth discussing with the parents.

- Mom of a very challenging boy for whom the work of those two people have been hugely helpful.

Thank you, I'm going to look into both!

Hope it helps. If you haven't found it yet, here are a couple of links for you:

http://www.livesinthebalance.org/
http://alankazdin.com/the-kazdin-method-for-parenting-the-defiant-child-with-no-pills-no-therapy-no-contest-of-wills/

FWIW, Kazdin was of the most help when my son was 3-4, Greene's work is proving invaluable with my 5-6 year old. Being able to have conversations with the child really helps w/ Greene's approach, especially if you're dealing w/ a child whose intellect is far ahead of his emotional development (as is the case w/ my son.)

Good luck! Thank you for not giving up on him. There are days when I feel like Anne Sullivan to my Helen Keller equivalent but when you get the little breakthroughs and they feel understood there are some amazing moments. I have also found that w/ our boy these challenging times come in waves. There was a three-four month period right before he turned 4 that was truly awful, and then another stretch just after he turned 5 - again for a couple of months. And then there were huge leaps forward. So hang in there if you can. Hopefully you and the parents can be a team - obviously they'll need to be on the same page.

Anonymous wrote:Why would you even discuss spanking when its not your child. You should not be doing immobilizing hugs. You need a consistent routine, make sure he is fed with meals and snacks and predict his needs. You are doing everything in a negative way and you need more positive reinforcement and reward for good behavior. You are not his parent. This isn't about what you can or will allow.

I don't think she's doing anything wrong, furthermore she's looking for advice. She's trying and not giving up on this kid. I would have quit right away!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since when is a hug a punishment PP?

Its not a hug. She is restraining the child and calling it a hug.

Actually, no, I've used hugs several times to try to help him de-escalate, and it's always his choice, not forced. The list was things that I've used in REaction and did not include any proactive steps I've taken.

Personally, I don't consider a nap, a hug or even immobilizing a child who is harming anyone (including themself) a punishment. It was a list of consequences, both positive and negative.

Anonymous wrote:Since when is a hug a punishment PP?

Its not a hug. She is restraining the child and calling it a hug.

Since when is a hug a punishment PP?

Anonymous wrote:Try reading some Kazdin or Ross Greene and see if you think their work applies. If so, it might be worth discussing with the parents.

- Mom of a very challenging boy for whom the work of those two people have been hugely helpful.

Thank you, I'm going to look into both!

Try reading some Kazdin or Ross Greene and see if you think their work applies. If so, it might be worth discussing with the parents.

- Mom of a very challenging boy for whom the work of those two people have been hugely helpful.

Anonymous wrote:Why would you even discuss spanking when its not your child. You should not be doing immobilizing hugs. You need a consistent routine, make sure he is fed with meals and snacks and predict his needs. You are doing everything in a negative way and you need more positive reinforcement and reward for good behavior. You are not his parent. This isn't about what you can or will allow.

I did one immobilizing hug when he refused to stop trying to hurt me. Yes, he's small, no, he can't cause permanent damage, but he's not the one who was covered in marks, I was. I will not allow any person, child or adult, to hurt me, and I can't allow a child to hurt himself. Yes, I immobilized him. No, he wasn't hurt or scared.

I have been doing my best to keep a consistent schedule, but it's impossible. There's something every day of the week that disrupts it, and then today was a snow day which threw the whole thing out the window.

His parents have expressed what they want the result to be, and they have the same philosophy, which is why I am with this family. I don't work with any family with whom i can't find commonalities.

Of course I'm praising good behavior. At this point, I won't take him on any outings without a parent because I know he won't behave. I've told him every single time he's done things correctly/welk, but there's no impact. He just doesn't care if I like what he does.

What PP said.

Everything you mentioned is a punishment. Have you tried tons of verbal praise for good behavior? Have you tried telling him what behavior you expect? "Davey while we're in this store, I expect you to stay by my side, use your inside voice, and touch things gently without throwing them." Then praise him the second you step outside the store. "Davey! Do you realize what you just did?! You stayed by my side the WHOLE TIME! You were SUCH a good boy! You used your inside voice EVERY TIME we spoke! I am SO proud of you! I can't wait until we get home to tell Mommy how wonderfully you were behaving! Let's have a nice outting like this tomorrow, too, okay?"

Why would you even discuss spanking when its not your child. You should not be doing immobilizing hugs. You need a consistent routine, make sure he is fed with meals and snacks and predict his needs. You are doing everything in a negative way and you need more positive reinforcement and reward for good behavior. You are not his parent. This isn't about what you can or will allow.

I'm leery of giving too much personal information as it's not my intention to have my charges identified, so please bear with me.

Preschool age charge is biting, kicking, scratching, hitting and head butting me, and I've almost exhausted my repertoire. He has done this with previous caregivers, and he recently bit a parent as well.

Things I have tried:
Hug
Immobilizing hug (only after he bit me)
Time out on stairs
Time out on bed
Down for a nap
Cancelled trip to park
Cancelled play date
Refused to continue playing when he hurt me
Refused to help with crafts when he hurt me
No screen time
No stickers

I refuse to spank or do anything physical, and that's also his parent's philosophy. Does anyone have any more ideas? He is sweet and adorable at times, then he is a hellion bent on making adults let him have his own way. I can't let him do whatever he wants, he can't grow up thinking he gets whatever he wants when he wants it, nor can I allow him to harm himself when he doesn't understand something is dangerous.