I message the nanny to see if things have improved since this morning when my son bit another child and she said that he bit the child again and bit her. This is the child who DOESN'T bite at home at all. He doesn't act out of control and very easily re-directed. He can get fussy and stomp his little feet like any toddler but is not an out of control child. I'm done. Done. She cannot manage the children. I may just call my parents up and see if they can come down the rest of the week until I can find better care. I cannot handle this stress and I know the other mother is upset by this too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know I'm also being emotional about this but the stress of this is becoming really overwhelming to ME. I've been juggling addressing (developmentally appropriate) behavioral issues in my own child and feeling like a horrible mother because I am NOT able to stop this behavior even though I'm doing EVERYTHING I can possibly do coupled with trying to ensure I have a safe and healthy childcare situation for my child so we don't end up losing out on our childcare, while juggling issues with this nanny who can't seem to be able to communicate what she needs or wants or perhaps doesn't know coupled with coordinating care with the other Mom. I have anxiety and it's all becoming just too much for me!

OP, I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you're VERY long-winded. And it seems like you're putting way more energy into this than necessary. Try to cut back a little.

I know and I am. My anxiety has shot through the roof with this.

Anonymous wrote:Wait -- she's expecting you to solve behavioral problems that are happening during the day? AND she doesn't like the other family?

I'm going to tell you straight up that I think she's taking advantage of your outside-of-work relationship. She's asking you to solve her work problems, and she's also basically telling you that she wants an easy job.

Do you really believe that she is going to be happy if you make this switch and your child is still behaving as he is? I can also guarantee you that she will not like whoever the new family is who is not treating her to dinners out and worrying more about her workload than the care of their children.

Yes, your son likes her. He'll like the new nanny, too, and you will be so happy to have someone who took a job she actually wanted to do.

4 kids is a lot. A lot of nannies wouldn't like that job. But she took it, and she's now hoping that if she makes it clear she just wants your family and your son, eventually you'll back down and agree.

This is true. I feel like it is appropriate to let the parents know if there is biting or hitting but that the nanny should be knowledgeable enough to be able to address it once discussed with the parents. I shouldn't have to suggest to her that a change in environment if the kids are all worked up is needed like suggesting she have them sit and do some art or go take a nice walk. I shouldn't have to convince her that a better position will be BETTER. She doesn't want it. She likes kids but she doesn't want to nanny. I can't change the fact that she has had a hard time finding a job but I can change the situation that my child is in.

I am going to start looking for a new nanny and see if that sweet family wants to come on board with me and we look together. I will still see if the nanny wants to provide evening or weekend occasional babysitting but this has gotten to be too, too much!

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know I'm also being emotional about this but the stress of this is becoming really overwhelming to ME. I've been juggling addressing (developmentally appropriate) behavioral issues in my own child and feeling like a horrible mother because I am NOT able to stop this behavior even though I'm doing EVERYTHING I can possibly do coupled with trying to ensure I have a safe and healthy childcare situation for my child so we don't end up losing out on our childcare, while juggling issues with this nanny who can't seem to be able to communicate what she needs or wants or perhaps doesn't know coupled with coordinating care with the other Mom. I have anxiety and it's all becoming just too much for me!

OP, I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you're VERY long-winded. And it seems like you're putting way more energy into this than necessary. Try to cut back a little.

Look at it this way, OP: at least she is telling you now that she wouldn't be up for a nanny share with your hypothetical newborn as well. She could have just coasted on your DS and the other toddler and then quit when you were in the second trimester. So it could be worse. Sounds to me like she's not energetic or knowledgeable enough to handle a nanny share anyway. So please just say your goodbyes and find a better fit for your son!

Wait -- she's expecting you to solve behavioral problems that are happening during the day? AND she doesn't like the other family?

I'm going to tell you straight up that I think she's taking advantage of your outside-of-work relationship. She's asking you to solve her work problems, and she's also basically telling you that she wants an easy job.

Do you really believe that she is going to be happy if you make this switch and your child is still behaving as he is? I can also guarantee you that she will not like whoever the new family is who is not treating her to dinners out and worrying more about her workload than the care of their children.

Yes, your son likes her. He'll like the new nanny, too, and you will be so happy to have someone who took a job she actually wanted to do.

4 kids is a lot. A lot of nannies wouldn't like that job. But she took it, and she's now hoping that if she makes it clear she just wants your family and your son, eventually you'll back down and agree.

It's a recurring problem on this board, that moms are upset that a nanny doesn't want to change the scope of their work, or nannies are upset that families want to change it. Everyone just needs to step back and not take it personally. Nanny jobs are constantly changing as a family's needs change. Sometimes that means one or both sides are unhappy. Sure, it's stressful and frustrating, but don't read ill intent in on either side.

I think you need to sit down and talk to her. Send her a text or call her and tell her you will be home 30 mins early tomorrow so you two can have time to discuss the new share plan. That gives her time to think what she wants and what she wants to say.

OP here: I know I'm also being emotional about this but the stress of this is becoming really overwhelming to ME. I've been juggling addressing (developmentally appropriate) behavioral issues in my own child and feeling like a horrible mother because I am NOT able to stop this behavior even though I'm doing EVERYTHING I can possibly do coupled with trying to ensure I have a safe and healthy childcare situation for my child so we don't end up losing out on our childcare, while juggling issues with this nanny who can't seem to be able to communicate what she needs or wants or perhaps doesn't know coupled with coordinating care with the other Mom. I have anxiety and it's all becoming just too much for me!

Anonymous wrote:She said she wanted to work for your family only because she really wants one employer and one child. She's telling you that this job is burning her out.

You need to address this head-on with her, and not in some sort of vague, "what do you think" kind of way. Tell her what the job will be, and then you have to decide if you want to cross the 3rd child bridge when there actually is one, or if you want someone already on board.

I feel like I have addressed it clearly with her. I told her exactly what the job will be: caring for my child at my home 5 days a week and she will transport my child to and from preschool 2 days a week. She will have the other child 3 days a week and so the way it would work out is that one day a week while my child is at preschool, she would actually have 2 hours to herself and we would be paying for her availability during that time.

I've spoken with her about when we plan to have our 2nd that my child would be in preschool 5 days a week during the morning so in reality she would really only have the newborn full-time and would have the 3 year old in the afternoons and so she would actually only have the 3 kids 3 afternoons a week and 2/3 kids would be sleeping during that time. Maybe I should type it up so she can see it more clearly? Some people just need to see it all written out for themselves to make sense of a complicated schedule.

She said she wanted to work for your family only because she really wants one employer and one child. She's telling you that this job is burning her out.

You need to address this head-on with her, and not in some sort of vague, "what do you think" kind of way. Tell her what the job will be, and then you have to decide if you want to cross the 3rd child bridge when there actually is one, or if you want someone already on board.

I get that she is overwhelmed. She currently is watching 4 children (3 full-time). Two 1.5 year olds including mine, a 3.5 year old who is NOT potty trained and does NOT attend preschool, and a school age child part-time.

She does not handle any behavioral challenges well with the children. She tells me immediately if my child hits or bites but doesn't seem to be able to manage the behaviors which are very normal in young toddlers but just need to be addressed if they occur.

I get the impression that she is really just looking for a family with 1 child and the only reason she is watching multiple children is out of financial necessity. She could not find a job without the help of a former family she worked for and she relies on nanny-sharing to pay the bills. I've scoured the area for pricing and other families. She moved to my area from Northern VA where she was able to make A LOT more money as a nanny. She moved to my area without a job and bought a condo and needs a certain amount to live on. She wants to continue nannying but she simply is not going to find a family willing to pay what she is looking for and if she does, it may take another year or two. She will need to care for minimum 2 children but I'm willing to pay more for my 1 child than most people in my area are willing to pay so for her to try and find this set-up on her own is going to be nearly impossible especially considering the lack of initiative she takes. I honestly don't think she will find herself a better nanny position in my area than what me and this other family could offer her but ultimately, I can't continue to worry about her own finances. I need to ensure my child is taken care of.

I'm also starting to get the impression that she is tired and possibly resentful of my child. He is not a 'bad boy' as a 1.5 year old but he has been acting out more lately. Coincidently, his acting out began when she began to seem more tired and unhappy. The more unhappy she is, the more he acts out. Now, it's become a habit and I really don't think she is doing enough to address it. We created a plan to address his behavior and I don't believe she is adhering to the plan. I'm worried that my child's behavior is going to continue to go downhill if she can't respond appropriately.

If I've lost my trust in her, then obviously it's time to find new care. I don't think a day or two is going to change this.

Ask her to think about it for a few more days and that on said day you will need to hear about what she decides.

She sounds tired with the kids from what I can read ...

She is overwhelmed at the thought of three and doesn't know how to tell you that.

We are currently in a nanny-share and there are 4 kids total. The plan has been for a couple of months now to leave the nanny share with the other family and have the nanny come to our home. We have been looking for another family who have just 1 child so that the nanny will only care for 2 kids total with the understanding that this will grow to 3 kids in the next 2 years as my family hopefully grows. I'm willing to pay a little extra to ensure that there is a spot for my future child and my current child will be able to be taken back and forth to preschool. We have said that we would love for her to care for my child until at least kindergarten but maybe longer too and she said that she wants to stay with us at least until my child is school-age. We have gotten along wonderfully and my child just ADORES her and doesn't want her to leave at the end of the day. She has honestly become a friend and we had her over for Christmas dinner, brought her chicken noodle soup over, and genuinely care about her well-being. She is like a 3rd Grandma to my child and we have treasured the relationship they have developed as we have no local family.

The problem: We've had tons of talks about how unhappy she is with the other family and how much she wants to work for me and my family in our home. I then created a rough draft contract that I sent her to edit as I want it to be mutually agreed upon and equitable, then I posted ads and finally we met with a family at my home who were lovely! There is even a 2nd family who are interested and they seem lovely as well so we've got some options!

I've done all this work myself (which has been rather stressful) and kept her in the loop and then all of a sudden, she began saying that she is not sure about watching a 3rd child. I reminded her that I am planning to have a 2nd and will need childcare for that child too and that my older child would be in preschool at least half-time by that point. She began giving me mixed signals which made me uncomfortable and then I flat out told her that we are on a waitlist for a daycare/preschool and should hear something in March that will start over the summer. We said that we can't give up that spot unless we have a really solid plan worked out that includes our possible 2nd child. She knows we cannot afford to pay her just ourselves so she would eventually have 3 kids even if she has just 2 for 1 year. I asked if she is comfortable caring for a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a newborn with the newborn being the only full-time child.

She said that she would have to think about it. I asked her if she felt like she needed a refresher course on childcare and she said, no, that she reads plenty. I felt pretty uncomfortable with her response as she is currently caring for 3 sometimes 4 kids currently but she said she would give me a response the following day. No response came. I questioned her this morning and she said that she was too busy to think about it. She then asked if the question was for her to stay with the other family come June since a daycare spot might open for me and I said no, that wasn't the question at all. I reminded her of the question and she said that she would have to think about it.

Clearly, she is avoiding responding to me and the answer is a big, fat, no. I feel very upset that I've spent all this time and effort into putting together a better situation and felt badly for her that the other family wasn't treating her well. I feel like I've just been played....she never wanted to care for 3 kids and it sounds like if and when I end up having a 2nd child, she would leave me high and dry.

I need to address this with her. I'm debating whether to just be blunt and tell her how hurt we are by her behavior and that we will have to move on this summer. I need to give a response to this other family who are waiting on the contract to send them.