Good for you OP! Sounds like you handled it really well, and it also sounds like she behaved professionally also.

This is OP. First, thanks to everyone for the really helpful advice, I kept referring back to this thread literally up to the day and hour of giving the news to remind me of how I should say things.

It went fine. When I told her that we would no longer need her services, she was not that surprised, she knew we had our problems. I emphasized to her how much we appreciated the great care she took of DD and her positive qualities and that we would be happy to provide her with a good reference. I meant all of this sincerely, btw. I then told her that I could give her performance feedback if she wanted, which she did. I kept the feedback short and forward-looking (i.e., area of improvement at next job) rather than backward-looking (i.e., this is what you did wrong with us). I didn't know how much she would appreciate a gift from employers who are replacing her so we gave her severance only. It was over two weeks' pay (we rounded up to a round number) and she seemed surprised by the amount. At the end, I had my husband bring DD out so they could say goodbye to each other, then we said goodbye. All in all, I think it went as well as could be expected.

OP, how did it go? Curious because we are facing a similar situation...

Anonymous wrote:You should tell her specifically why you're firing her. Maybe she can improve in those areas and not get fired again.

i agree with you,she must learn after that...

I think you need to tell her the reason you're firing her. Communication issues means many different things, but to be actually helpful to her you have to be specific. Be kind about it, and always add that it's a thing that didn't work for you specifically, it's me, not you, etc.

Don't talk about not being a good fit, it always reads as 'I don't like you and your personality'. Instead, talk about different needs, maybe, if you have them?

Will this be completely out of the blue for her? If you have no reason to suspect she's going to take it out on your child, etc, and you can afford to take a day off, maybe you could fire her Thursday evening and offer that she comes in on Friday to say goodbye to DD and return your things, or not, whichever she prefers. Add the Friday to her severance in any case.

As for a gift, write her a card saying thanks for all the loving care she provided for DD and that you wish her all the best, and get her a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine.

As for references, it's hard to say unless we know what your specific issues were - if she folds laundry a different way than you and it annoys you, then that's not really an issue, except for you. If she drove DD around unbuckled, that's something completely different. If you're asked directly about something, I would be truthful but add that when you pointed out the issue she was able to quickly correct it or at least willing to work on it.

I would be constructive with feedback. Let her know what didn't work for YOU but also be honest and say that's your issue and probably wouldn't bother someone else. Don't give stupid non answers like "not a good fit" or "we wish you all the best." Those mean nothing and are cheap platitudes that make you feel better but still leave her feeling hurt and confused about what happened.

When giving references be honest about what YOU didn't like but don't say anything that would sabotage her chances for finding another job. Communication is a 2 way street and no one person is ever totally at fault. It's 50/50 100% of the time. Play up her strengths and say I think she might do great with a family who.... but for me xyz wasn't working.

So yes, give her a concrete reason but be kind about it. Actually make an effort, a REAL effort to help her find a job and don't ruin any chances she has because YOU didn't like this or that about her. You'll scare off someone else who might not have an issue with the thing that bugs you.

If you do a search here OP you will find some relevant threads. Here's my quick two cents as someone who has had to do this with a long-term nanny, and as an employer who has had to fire people more than once.

- Be direct, clear, and concise. You don't need to give tons of information, in fact, I'd argue against it. Nor do you need to lie.
- Give her a termination letter and a reference letter along with the severance check. Make the termination letter brief - We are terminating your employment effective today, and are giving you X, representing two weeks severance. We appreciate the care you have provided to Emily and wish you all the best. Attached is a copy of a reference letter for you to use in your search, and you may provide our contact information to future employers as well.
- Be brief. Be kind. Be clear.
- Have a handful of declarative statements practiced in the event she becomes angry or upset or whatever. Things like "You have done nothing wrong, we just don't think this is a good fit." " I will be happy to provide a good reference for you that speaks to your loving nature. " "You may be eligible for unemployment benefits." "we wish you all the best." "I understand you're upset - this is hard. But we felt it would be best to not make you come back to work knowing that this was happening."
- Be sure to get your key and anything else of yours that she might have (carseat for instance?)

Practice what you're going to say, and practice how you and your husband are orchestrating it together.

It feels a little counter-intuitive perhaps but brief and calm is actually much kinder than a drawn out explanation or conversation. And when someone gets fired they often get emotional and can't remember the specifics of the conversation anyway. That is why a severance letter and a written reference that backs up whatever you say verbally is helpful and important.

Good luck OP.

You should tell her specifically why you're firing her. Maybe she can improve in those areas and not get fired again.

Imagine that you are the employee. What would you want from your boss?

You need to tell her the truth, in as kind a way as possible. How else will she know what to change for the next job? And for God's sake -- either refuse to be a reference or plan to tell the truth to other parents (again, kindly).

If you have not addressed these issues with her in any direct way and this is going to be an out-of-the-blue termination, that is part of the communication problems, and tells me that it's not all on her. Another family may not have those issues.

We are letting go DD's nanny who has been with us since the beginning of the year for performance issues. She's actually a nice person who cares for DD a lot, but has competence issues and is not a good personality fit. We are planning on giving her two weeks' pay as severance in lieu of notice. I would have liked to have given her some notice and some severance so that it wasn't so abrupt and she'd have time to say goodbye to DD, but 1) I don't want her talking about this with the other nannies in our apt building and 2) she is very emotional and prone to crying, which I do not want her to do around me or DD.

My questions:
1. Should I give her reasons for termination and if so, what? I think since we have a good relationship, it would be fair to her to tell her the reasons in a kind way. If I say "communication issues" and "not a good fit," I think she will understand. DH is saying no to this and instead, give her an "objective" reason that won't make her feel bad, such as we want to hire someone who speaks our native language, but I can't think of one that wouldn't be a lie. Which is better, honesty or saving hurt feelings?

2. I plan to give her a positive reference, but if someone asks me a question that touches on the issues we had, I feel like the right thing to do is be honest, but present in as positive light as possible. DH is telling me not to say anything remotely negative, just do and say what it takes to help her find a new job. Again, is honesty the better policy or not?

3. Is there anything else I can do to soften the blow? It would be nice if we could give her a present from DD, but she is only 17 mo. old so too young to make anything. Like when she paints or draws, they're just scribbles. What kind of gift would be appropriate to show our appreciation of her?