OP, is this your first live-in position and were you hired to be a live-in or did it just happen?


For a live-in situation to work there must be a balance of give and take, this can be written but if it does not happen naturally chances are one of the parts is going to feel taken advantage of. Second thing for live-in match to succeed there has to be close if not 100% personality match, those that have loved it often say it just worked. One of my most successful nanny positions and I have done both was my firs job as a live-in, I was paid the least in this job but it was an awesome experience and we still keep in touch.

Being a live-in is not for everyone and many nannies, especially these days would not even consider it.

When the parents come home, go home to your house at 7pm and return in the morning. Why are you living in?

You're being taken advantage of but not judged. How is them having to make you work late judging your off time? It's not.

I agree 13:01 I was not trying to be defensive. I will chat with the NF and see how it goes.

THANKS EVERYONE

Why are you getting so defensive, OP? No one is suggesting that you should be on call all the time. We are only saying that maybe your nanny family feels that way.

It may not be fair, but this will not change if you don't speak up. We could all say how awful it is for them to treat you this way, but we also don't know what your arrangement with them was or how clearly each of these issues was spelled out.

Everyone's best guess, based on the responses here, is that the NF thought you would be much more available much more frequently than you thought you were agreeing to. That means that you need to ask for a meeting to hammer this stuff out, not just be unhappy and stew about it. It also means that you may hear that they want someone who is, in fact, willing to give up most of her weekday evenings, and you will have to decide if that means you need to quit.

Anonymous wrote: Read that it sounds as if everyone is viewing this differently and you need to have a conversation where you are all very clear and explicit about what you want and figure out how to get on the same page.

When I was a live-in, I would have no problem being "on duty" while the parents went out for a few hours after the kids were in bed if it was a night when I planned to be home anyway. If that is fine with you, but you want to be compensated for it somehow then you need to explain it to them. If you don't want to be in charge of the children outside of your preplanned hours, then you need to explain that. If the problem is that the kids don't reliably stay in bed, then you need to have a conversation about that. Basically, you have said nothing that indicates that they are actually "judging" how you use your free time, Other than the fact that they tend to assume that you will mostly be home in the evenings during the week, which you yourself admitted is the case. The question here is whether you are comfortable taking on extra hours during the evenings when you are already home. You need to figure out under what circumstances you are willing to do that then present them with those circumstances, and be prepared to have a conversation that may include altering your original contract. I will say that it sounds to me as if they are operating under the assumption that this is part and parcel of having a live in nanny, and it may have been part of why they chose a live-in to begin with. If that is the case, you should probably Think carefully about how much you want to retain this job, because the more you limit their ability to use you during the week, the more likely it is that they will decide that they might prefer either a more flexible live in nanny or a live out nanny who has the same level of flexibility you are willing to offer.

That is what I feel judged on! If I went out and did something when someone came home, they would view me as busy or think I would always have plans.. This is why I stated that now, even if it's just for an hour or so I just leave and drive somewhere. When I applied for the job, the job description was clearly outline of the hours I stated. When the mom wrote the contract, those hours are specified so it isn't that I am all of a sudden making these things up. I would have never applied or accepted their offer if I would have to work in the evenings so late ALL the time. I accepted because of the flexibility that was suppose to allow me focus on my online master's program, again, this was mentioned in my interview ! I'm not asking for anything that WE did not already agree on in the contract.

OP here: As I stated with their jobs, they are gone before the kids are awake. They are NOT off once the kids are out of school. The typical day I listed did not include their activities so they are not off in time to take the kids to the activities. Also, someone does work late 3-5 times per month until midnight. Due to their demanding fields, they can not call out when there's a snow day or holidays like Veterans Dat and preferred not to search for someone or pay constant agency fees. It may seem silly to most, but those were their reasons. Again, my actual working hours are early morning and after school for 2-3 hours. I'm an American, not an Au pair, I go home to my own place on weekends.


Also, it's just that when I think I'm about to be off and I'm then told that that someone is coming home late, I feel like I can't just relax, I still feel "on the clock." This is probably something only another live - in would understand


I will talk with the mom and ask that she at least ask if I have evening plans before assuming that I'll be around.

Anonymous wrote: Read that it sounds as if everyone is viewing this differently and you need to have a conversation where you are all very clear and explicit about what you want and figure out how to get on the same page.

When I was a live-in, I would have no problem being "on duty" while the parents went out for a few hours after the kids were in bed if it was a night when I planned to be home anyway. If that is fine with you, but you want to be compensated for it somehow then you need to explain it to them. If you don't want to be in charge of the children outside of your preplanned hours, then you need to explain that. If the problem is that the kids don't reliably stay in bed, then you need to have a conversation about that. Basically, you have said nothing that indicates that they are actually "judging" how you use your free time, Other than the fact that they tend to assume that you will mostly be home in the evenings during the week, which you yourself admitted is the case. The question here is whether you are comfortable taking on extra hours during the evenings when you are already home. You need to figure out under what circumstances you are willing to do that then present them with those circumstances, and be prepared to have a conversation that may include altering your original contract. I will say that it sounds to me as if they are operating under the assumption that this is part and parcel of having a live in nanny, and it may have been part of why they chose a live-in to begin with. If that is the case, you should probably Think carefully about how much you want to retain this job, because the more you limit their ability to use you during the week, the more likely it is that they will decide that they might prefer either a more flexible live in nanny or a live out nanny who has the same level of flexibility you are willing to offer.

We have a live-in precisely because we need before and after-care for our elementary school children. 2-3 hours in the AM (7-9am) and 4-5 hours in the PM (2/3 to 6/7pm) and sometimes on the weekends. That is how it works. No one would have a live-in do only 8am-5pm hours, that makes no sense for school-aged children.

Are you an au pair? Then you are paid + room/board for 40 hours of work a week. Are you doing more?

As for your off-duty time, what do you prefer to do? Everyone probably needs some privacy now and then so it's not like everyone will squish in the family room at 8pm for a couple hours.

Does your program have any other APs nearby? Can you make it for the 2 year program? The role sounds pretty easy actually, but maybe you need to find a way to be busier given that older age of child.

Read that it sounds as if everyone is viewing this differently and you need to have a conversation where you are all very clear and explicit about what you want and figure out how to get on the same page.

When I was a live-in, I would have no problem being "on duty" while the parents went out for a few hours after the kids were in bed if it was a night when I planned to be home anyway. If that is fine with you, but you want to be compensated for it somehow then you need to explain it to them. If you don't want to be in charge of the children outside of your preplanned hours, then you need to explain that. If the problem is that the kids don't reliably stay in bed, then you need to have a conversation about that. Basically, you have said nothing that indicates that they are actually "judging" how you use your free time, Other than the fact that they tend to assume that you will mostly be home in the evenings during the week, which you yourself admitted is the case. The question here is whether you are comfortable taking on extra hours during the evenings when you are already home. You need to figure out under what circumstances you are willing to do that then present them with those circumstances, and be prepared to have a conversation that may include altering your original contract. I will say that it sounds to me as if they are operating under the assumption that this is part and parcel of having a live in nanny, and it may have been part of why they chose a live-in to begin with. If that is the case, you should probably Think carefully about how much you want to retain this job, because the more you limit their ability to use you during the week, the more likely it is that they will decide that they might prefer either a more flexible live in nanny or a live out nanny who has the same level of flexibility you are willing to offer.

If this is becoming a regular situation, then the time is now to say that you need to talk to them about it. Decide what you would like the outcome to be so that you can go in knowing what is and is not acceptable to you.

For example, are you willing to work those later hours at all if it's not an emergency? Are you willing to schedule them for particular days of the week, or only when they are requested well in advance, with the understanding that you can say "no" if you have other plans? Do you want to go to a pure hourly system where you keep a log of your hours, morning and evening, or keep having scheduled hours?

Think this through, so that if they ask for something you aren't willing to do (like suggest that the reason they hired a live-in was so that they didn't have to ever worry about ending times), you will speak up right then and not get forced into a agreeing to something you aren't willing to do.

9:40 I apologize, let me clarify : kids are 10/11. One parent typically comes home at 5/5:30. As of late, my complaint is that I can have the kids between the hours of 8pm and as late as 10pm when according to my contract I should be off at 7pm and this is not on days when I know the parents are working late.. They're simply out doing whatever.

Yes, I do mostly drive the kids which is why they hired me, I had a clean record and having been driving kids for the past 5 years (most recents family prior to this one) so they felt safe.

So, are you saying that the original agreement was that you are off when the parent comes home, or was it that you work until 7?

If your scheduled hours are 4-7 in the afternoon, then I don't think you can complain about them coming home at 7. You can (and should) talk to them about late nights beyond the 3-5 they described.

A lot of things come into play here, though. Are they paying you for the 5 scheduled hours or for more hours? Did you agree to be "on call" for late evenings, or were you supposed to get notice of them?

It is not typical of most nanny positions that you're free to go when a parent arrives. A lot of nannies are scheduled to overlap with a parent for at least some of the time in the morning or afternoon, so that parent can do things around the house or run an errand or something. That's really typical. That's why you have scheduled hours.

If this position is not what you thought it would be, it's probably time for a meeting. Reading between the lines here, it sounds like you thought the job was to do some very specific tasks only when the parents are not present, and they thought it was more like an au pair, where you'd be available on a flexible schedule whenever they need someone. Neither of those assumptions is what's outlined in the agreement you describe, though, so it's probably time to sit down and figure out if everyone can be happy.

I don't quite understand op. Even if you are a live in you should still have set hours. What are they supposed to be? The parents not coming home until 7/8 is a huge difference than coming in at 5/6 and if you are supposed to get them from the bus stop that means they obviously don't think the kids old enough to walk home from the stop on their own so they must intend on you being in charge when they arrive after dinner times.

I don't see where the judgement of your off time is being preceived but I do see them as taking advantage of your living in if they are not giving the courtesy of scheduling this time beforehand and checking with you. Otherwise they must think the kids ok on their own and really just have you as a chauffeur? But that doesn't make sense considering they hired full time employment. How old are the kids exactly? You were pretty vague on that part.

I nanny for a very busy family, one parent is a doctor, the other is a lawyer. For the most part, I don't see either parent until after 5/6p (they're both gone by 7:15a) Because of their field, it was simply easier to hire someone to just be here instead of having someone come at 7am and sit around until the kids (2 charges) need to get up (upper elementary aged). As with most nanny positions, when a parent comes home, you're typically free to go except I live in. When a parent comes home, I may get on the computer in the office, go to my room or go out; I rarely go out during the week, but as of late I've been forcing myself to just drive somewhere even if it's to see a movie I dont want to see or take up a new class at the gym. Anyways, I'm starting to feel as though I am beginning to be judged based on what I do during my "off" time or my off time is simply not being respected.

My charges are upper elementary so I am not required to be as hands on as previous positions. Typical day with no extracurricular activities:
I meet them at the bus stop, they complete their homework, have a snack and we'll play outside together or if they want to just play alone, I let them. Mom is typically home within one hour after they get in. It is summer, kind of the same routine except, I just drive them to/from all day camp.

As of late, parents aren't coming home until 7/8p, not telling me about evening plans until the night before OR day of and just say take the kids to dinner. Dad is hardly ever here so he comes in and leave. As I stated, I don't typically go out during the week so I typically just stay in and "chill", so you can understand why I force myself to go out, but I don't really think I should be judged on what I do during MY free time so they just assume that I'll be here so they don't need to be home.

I'm just not sure how to handle this, and they never tell me to my face ! It's always sent by text.

Any thoughts, suggestions or feedback are welcomed !
Please only advise on what is listed above, our contract states my working hours are 8a-10a // 4p-7p M-F unless a parent is working late which is typically 3-5 times per month.