I'm the HM who started the whole ruckus in the other thread - our AP has his GF sleep over all the time. Here is why we are 100% happy about it:

1) AP and his GF are involved in a monogamous, long-term, committed relationship. They are best friends and spend all their non-working time together.

2) AP and GF are great role models for my my young teen about how to be both best friends and in a relationship.

3) AP and his GF are both incredibly respectful, kind, warm, and appreciative. We know her well, as she eats at our house a fair amount, and she is always lovely, always comes to say hello and goodbye when she comes and goes, and she is extremely appreciative of being included with our family. She has made us dessert thank yous on several occasions but even more- she smiles and says thank you all the time, and that means the most.

4) The relationship in NO WAY impedes AP's ability to do an excellent job. In fact, if anything it contributes, because he is so happy and feels so at home in our house.

5) AP and GF are not doing anything at all to call attention to what may or may not be going on behind closed doors. I know they are having sex because I asked him if they were using protection (that led to another broohaha on here a few months ago), but other than that, I would not know at all based on anything because I have not heard, seen, or been subject to anything that makes me in the least bit uncomfortable.

6) My children ask zero questions and consider it perfectly normal that best friends might share a room. My husband and I are best friends, and AP and his GF are best friends.

Previous APs have had GF/BFs, and we have made decisions about sharing rooms on case-by-case bases. We would never in a million years allow a random hook-up, never allow someone to just bring a person home and expect him/her to sleep over, or carry on and act in a way that made anyone uncomfortable. In the three cases of APs who have had SOs (one from home and two met here), they were all, again, longterm, committed, monogamous relationships. When I was 19, I was allowed to share a room with my serious boyfriend when we came to visit my parents from college, and this is the same thing - it's a recognition of a serious, committed, not-only-or-even-mostly-about-sex relationship.

Other families should of course do what they think is right, but this is our take.

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't care less about the sex. Here's what I do care about:

1) A rotation of strangers through my house
2) My AP being distracted and acting weird when romantic partner is there
3) Canoodling on my couch, possibly making the rest of the household feel like they were invading space by being around
4) Random people eating breakfast with me

Another +1 to this. I have no moral qualms about premarital sex. God knows I had more than my fair share. My first AP, however, brought a series of boyfriends -- or, more accurately termed, booty calls -- home because I was not specific enough in my handbook and I was bending over backwards to treat her like an adult. I don't care that she was over 25, she had both extremely bad judgment and extremely poor taste in men.

I believe in starting out strict and then loosening up the rule for a great AP. If my current (or either of my last two) APs had developed a serious relationship, I would have gladly discussed the "no romantic sleepover" rule and figured out how to make it work for all of us. It was a non-issue though.

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't care less about the sex. Here's what I do care about:

1) A rotation of strangers through my house
2) My AP being distracted and acting weird when romantic partner is there
3) Canoodling on my couch, possibly making the rest of the household feel like they were invading space by being around
4) Random people eating breakfast with me

Same here. However out APS have been discreet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was an au pair a lot of au pairs dated military guys. I dated one from 8th&I. If they are in the barracks they do not have a place to take au pair to spend the night either.
Not saying thats the familys problem, just saying not all guys have a nice home to take the au pair to.

That's what the back of his car is for, if memory serves.

APs are adults, not high schoolers. And they work for their room and board. I think it's over stepping to try to control what an adult does in their own space. Signing up for this program means inviting another adult to make your home theirs, and sometimes that means bringing home romantic partners.

Again, very little purpose to this debate. You are fine letting this happen under your roof? Fine. Understand that others aren't and that's fine too.

For the record, none of my 8 APs have ever asked to bring someone over. I think most instinctively know that this is probably not in good taste to ask. Yes, they are part of the family, but it's still my house and my rules (same goes for my kids).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was an au pair a lot of au pairs dated military guys. I dated one from 8th&I. If they are in the barracks they do not have a place to take au pair to spend the night either.
Not saying thats the familys problem, just saying not all guys have a nice home to take the au pair to.

That's what the back of his car is for, if memory serves.

APs are adults, not high schoolers. And they work for their room and board. I think it's over stepping to try to control what an adult does in their own space. Signing up for this program means inviting another adult to make your home theirs, and sometimes that means bringing home romantic partners.

When home from college or after, there is ZERO chance I would have ever been able to take a date home to my parents' house. I was an adult. Still wasn't appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was an au pair a lot of au pairs dated military guys. I dated one from 8th&I. If they are in the barracks they do not have a place to take au pair to spend the night either.
Not saying thats the familys problem, just saying not all guys have a nice home to take the au pair to.

That's what the back of his car is for, if memory serves.

APs are adults, not high schoolers. And they work for their room and board. I think it's over stepping to try to control what an adult does in their own space. Signing up for this program means inviting another adult to make your home theirs, and sometimes that means bringing home romantic partners.

No, it doesn't. Your house, you make the rules. That's how it works. Everyone involved in the AP program knows this, including the APs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was an au pair a lot of au pairs dated military guys. I dated one from 8th&I. If they are in the barracks they do not have a place to take au pair to spend the night either.
Not saying thats the familys problem, just saying not all guys have a nice home to take the au pair to.

That's what the back of his car is for, if memory serves.

APs are adults, not high schoolers. And they work for their room and board. I think it's over stepping to try to control what an adult does in their own space. Signing up for this program means inviting another adult to make your home theirs, and sometimes that means bringing home romantic partners.

Anonymous wrote:When I was an au pair a lot of au pairs dated military guys. I dated one from 8th&I. If they are in the barracks they do not have a place to take au pair to spend the night either.
Not saying thats the familys problem, just saying not all guys have a nice home to take the au pair to.

That's what the back of his car is for, if memory serves.

It's not in line with our values, and we're pretty up front about that. My husband and I didn't sleep in the same room at my parents house before we were married. We try to set a certain example for our kids and while we're well aware that our kids will get a different message outside our home, we aren't inviting that different example to be role modeled under our roof. I've always thought that allowing something to go on in your home comes with a certain endorsement of sorts.

IME, there are enough candidates who share our values that we can find some one for whom this isn't a great cross to bear.

When I was an au pair a lot of au pairs dated military guys. I dated one from 8th&I. If they are in the barracks they do not have a place to take au pair to spend the night either.
Not saying thats the familys problem, just saying not all guys have a nice home to take the au pair to.

I couldn't care less about the sex. Here's what I do care about:

1) A rotation of strangers through my house
2) My AP being distracted and acting weird when romantic partner is there
3) Canoodling on my couch, possibly making the rest of the household feel like they were invading space by being around
4) Random people eating breakfast with me

My two oldest kids are 9 and 7. I'm not okay with them doing the math and figuring out what's taking place behind closed doors (they are both well aware of what sex is, thanks to birth of younger siblings and lots of information from friends with older sibs). The AP can do what the rest of us did while living with parents:go sleep at the other person's place. (I am operating on the assumption that the other person isn't living in the family home.) Or try another age-old workaround: go camping!

We discussed this recently, and people reacted to this in different ways depending on their values. If you are comfortable with it, then that's great. Others might not, and that's their prerogative, whether because their house is too small, or they don't want to explain it to their kids, or because they don't believe in pre-marital sex. I am not sure opening up this topic again will be necessarily helpful since it is so personal.

Do you like random people in your home?

I've hosted female au pairs for the last 7 years (one homosexual, others hetero).

All the time, I read about hosts making sure to prohibit opposite-sex sleepovers and now the post about gender-neutral romantic sleepover bans in case you don't know the sexual preference of the au pair.

I understand that an AP's romantic partner (if not given appropriate boundaries) may be more likely to spend too much time at the house/feel like yet another roommate. I also understand not wanting your AP to bring home random people you haven't gotten to know.

But, aside from the move-in boy/girlfriend or the guy from the bar, I truly don't get why a "romantic" sleepover would bother a host. By the way, my husband also doesn't like the idea of romantic guests, I know I'm in the minority, but what is the deal? Why do people care?