Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcohol aside, this seems really ungenerous. How much could they possibly be eating a week? Would you set a rule limiting how much a college-aged child could feed her friends?

18:16 above here. Our AP has friends over every day during the day and every night. They are working their way through Breaking Bad now. While I have never tabulated what they eat and again, he can offer them food from our pantry, we do expect him to replace within reason. Based on what I see, they easily eat a box of cookies and a box of ice pops a night. They easily drink a two liter bottle of seltzer. I can say that I have absolutely no qualms or concerns about him hosting all the time, but if he were adding 10 boxes of cookies and 7 boxes of ice pops to my shopping list each week, I would be very annoyed. Heck, if my children were adding amounts like that to my list, I'd be saying absolutely not to them! AP is like family. His multitudes of friends are not, and he gets this fully to the point that we have never had to have a conversation about it.

OP said 2-3x/week, and those snacks you mentioned run me like $10? Two liters are cheap then two snack products at about $4. So $25x4 so $100/mo in entertaining costs... sticking with ungenerous.

Anonymous wrote:Alcohol aside, this seems really ungenerous. How much could they possibly be eating a week? Would you set a rule limiting how much a college-aged child could feed her friends?

18:16 above here. Our AP has friends over every day during the day and every night. They are working their way through Breaking Bad now. While I have never tabulated what they eat and again, he can offer them food from our pantry, we do expect him to replace within reason. Based on what I see, they easily eat a box of cookies and a box of ice pops a night. They easily drink a two liter bottle of seltzer. I can say that I have absolutely no qualms or concerns about him hosting all the time, but if he were adding 10 boxes of cookies and 7 boxes of ice pops to my shopping list each week, I would be very annoyed. Heck, if my children were adding amounts like that to my list, I'd be saying absolutely not to them! AP is like family. His multitudes of friends are not, and he gets this fully to the point that we have never had to have a conversation about it.

As much as AP is welcome and treated like family, it is still not her home... Inviting friends over 2-3 times per week and feeding them from the host family fridge is insensitive. Especially without asking.

The alcohol part is baffling.

Alcohol aside, this seems really ungenerous. How much could they possibly be eating a week? Would you set a rule limiting how much a college-aged child could feed her friends?

For me, I think it depends on what you mean by "feeds". Full meals? All your deli meat? Breakfast of scrambled eggs or pancakes? A bag or two of chips or pretzels.?

I would not be ok with proving 2-3 whole meals each week to a few friends. I'm fine with them coming over, my last AP had no restrictions on the car, so everyone would meet here to go out all the time. And they stay over most Saturday nights. Alcohol is off limits to OP's friends, unless they are joining us for dinner and we offer it.

Anonymous wrote:Alcohol issue aside, I feel differently than PPs about the food. Assuming the AP isn't hosting a big party or going absolutely nuts with the food, I would be ok with providing it. To me it is an aspect of the "part of the family" deal.

That's my thought. I would never ask my relative (living in my home) to purchase food for their guests every time friends came over, especially not a teen/young 20 something. APs aren't earning very much, and they aren't allowed to supplement their stipend with another job, so no, I wouldn't. But I also wouldn't have a problem with everyone congregating in my home. OP obviously wants to control when her AP is allowed to bring anyone over (and it reads like she wants AP to ask every single time, which isn't what family does, imo); there is no reason she has to allow her AP to host gatherings, but she does need to be aware that it means that they will go elsewhere, not that her AP will stay home by herself.

To be clear, they always take Uber. I do not allow drinking and driving.

I really can't imagine any hosting parent would be insane enough to allow drinking and driving.

Doesn't the agency forbid this???

Alcohol issue aside, I feel differently than PPs about the food. Assuming the AP isn't hosting a big party or going absolutely nuts with the food, I would be ok with providing it. To me it is an aspect of the "part of the family" deal.

Our AP has had friends over but they have bought their own food, prepared it, and cleaned it up.

If my AP served alcohol to other APs I'd be having a rematch conversation. Whether or not they were of age. I would not even be OK with it once.

Our AP has friends over every night. We are the only family around who allows males, and if we didn't host, our male AP would have to go out all the time. Even when we hosted females, we pretty much were the hangout house. We are happy to have our APs' friends over, and we don't have rules about number of friends allowed.

First, no one in nine years has ever touched the alcohol. I don't even know what to make of that. That would be a stern warning from me the first time and rematch the second. If any of those APs who drinks crashes a car, that is YOUR liability. I would not put up with that for a second.

Secondly, we tell our APs that they are welcome to serve refreshments from our pantry and fridge but they should expect to replace them. Far more commonly, they buy their own and leave them in the fridge downstairs. We don't care if they grab a box of cookies or a bag of chips, but if it ended up a lot of food on a regular basis, this would not be ok with me.

We invite our AP's friends to dinner on a regular basis, and then of course we provide the food. But when AP cooks for his friends, he knows he needs to replace (within reason) what he gives to others.

Your AP sounds either selfish or clueless. Please talk to her and have a reset. Write some clear rules about hosting. And warn her if she touches your alcohol again, she is our. Period.

Our APs don't invite friends over on our dime. Friends are welcome to come over, but buy your own booze and make your own food. We had one AP a few years ago and she had a nice circle of AP friends on the same split schedule. Once per week they would rotate houses and prepare themselves a nice luncheon. No alcohol and they would buy and prepare their meal. I thought that was a really cute idea. But if I had to pay to feed all these people, I would not think it's that cute anymore.

OP, I think this is quite simple. Sit down with AP: 'AP, I really like your friends and I am happy that you all enjoy congregating at our home. But I don't think it should be my responsibility to pay for your alcohol and for your friends' food. If this were only once in a while, I would not have an issue with this, but it seems to be happening more and more often. In the future, you and your friends will be responsible for paying for you own.'

You are certainly within your rights to lock up the alcohol, and if she or any of her friends are underage, it's not a right, it's an obligation.

The food is different. Do you want the APs to congregate at your house or find somewhere else? If you limit the food served in your home, you are likely to make them move. You could ask that they purchase, cook and share every other time, that way it's a trade-off.

Lock up your liquor. How much is the party food costling weekly? You are certainly not obligated to feed her friends. Does she eat the food at their houses? Does it even out at all?

As to stopping it, it ready depends how much you appreciate her work. Good workers expect better than average benefits. If she a lazy ass and bad with your kids, I wouldn't extend too many benefits.

My AP regularly has friends over, who drink our alcohol and eat our food. She feeds the same couple of friends at our house 2-3 times a week without asking. Even if she did ask, I'm not all that cool with feeding her friends. Am I being a jerk and should just let it go?