Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a bad fit. Quit. That said, you keep saying the behaviors are "extreme" and "scary" with no details except the kid lies. At that age, the child can't fully comprehend what a lie is or the consequences, even if they technically know it is wrong. The kid may be a total psycho, but you haven't really said anything to back that up.

Exactly. The kid might also just be on the high maintenance end for his age range and the nanny might not be good at that particular need level. Nothing here to indicate that this child has a serious problem.

Sounds like a bad fit. Quit. That said, you keep saying the behaviors are "extreme" and "scary" with no details except the kid lies. At that age, the child can't fully comprehend what a lie is or the consequences, even if they technically know it is wrong. The kid may be a total psycho, but you haven't really said anything to back that up.

I would just say that this wasn't a good fit.

Honestly, I don't know that the child in question is really off the spectrum in any way - your language (abusive, extreme, scary, "makes up things about people", false accusations, etc...) is pretty extreme IMO.

All 4 year olds make things up, so your language about that makes me question your language describing the physical behavior.

Clearly though it just isn't a good fit - which is totally fine. Just move on and let the parents find someone more comfortable in the position.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that with a preschooler a significant part of your job is controlling/managing these kinds of behaviors.

Obviously that starts with the parents. Have you discussed this with them?

While it is a significant part of my job, the behaviors are very extreme, I am very partime and I've not been here long, so nothing I do will make a difference. I'm at the point I'm doing what I can to get through the few hours I works for them.

There doesn't seem to be anything being done by the parents other than to excuse the behavior as age appropriate . While I understand it's age appropriate to have these behaviors to an extent, this is very extreme and scary. The child is also known to make things up about people and that really concerns me since the child has made false accusations about/to me already.

I agree that it may just be time to quit. But what do I tell them or the families I interview about why I'm leaving. I don't want to lose out on a reference.

There is no reason that a nanny should be spending a significant portion of her day dealing with behavior unless there are diagnosed issues. If your charge's behavior is that extreme and you are very part-time, you're right that you won't be able to do much (or anything) to curb it. However, I would approach the family and let them know that you just don't feel it's a good fit, start looking for work and let them know that you will stay up to four weeks (that way they have someone to cover Christmas break and you're more likely to get a reference). If you word it as up to four weeks, they may find someone who can start before Christmas, and then you won't have to deal with the child anymore.

Anonymous wrote:I think that with a preschooler a significant part of your job is controlling/managing these kinds of behaviors.

Obviously that starts with the parents. Have you discussed this with them?

While it is a significant part of my job, the behaviors are very extreme, I am very partime and I've not been here long, so nothing I do will make a difference. I'm at the point I'm doing what I can to get through the few hours I works for them.

There doesn't seem to be anything being done by the parents other than to excuse the behavior as age appropriate . While I understand it's age appropriate to have these behaviors to an extent, this is very extreme and scary. The child is also known to make things up about people and that really concerns me since the child has made false accusations about/to me already.

I agree that it may just be time to quit. But what do I tell them or the families I interview about why I'm leaving. I don't want to lose out on a reference.

I think that with a preschooler a significant part of your job is controlling/managing these kinds of behaviors.

Obviously that starts with the parents. Have you discussed this with them?

Anonymous wrote:How old is he? Does he have any special needs or a diagnosis?

Preschool age, no special needs or diagnoses.

How old is he? Does he have any special needs or a diagnosis?

I had this happen with one charge. I started with 2 siblings, an 8 year old boy and an 11 year old girl. When I told the parents he was bullying his sister, they said that I was overreacting and it was just sibling squabbles. When he started being verbally abusive to his sister (later in the week, also to me), they said that he was stressed in school. When he started hitting and kicking his sister, I moved in between the children to protect the medically fragile child, and their response was that I escalated the issue. The last day I was there, I told them as soon as they got home that he kicked my kneecap and screamed that he was trying to break my knee, so I sat on the floor with him in an immobilizing hug for an hour while he tried to calm down. I quit, and then they tried to tell me that I was abusive to their son. Sorry, no, I'm trained to work with special needs kids to restrain them to that they can't hurt anyone (including themselves). Of course I don't use them as a reference, last I knew they couldn't keep new nannies more than 2 weeks because all of them are too strict for their "sensitive" son.

On the other hand, I've dealt with charges who were borderline abusive when I started, but I was hired to fix behavior issues. As long as the parents and I are all consistent and using the same methods, it works wonderfully.

If you aren't comfortable disciplining the child because the child reacts violently, you aren't effective anymore. It doesn't mean you aren't a wonderful nanny, it just means that this child needs someone else. If the parents aren't doing anything, it's unlikely anyone else could do much to change the child's behavior, but there's no way you will be able to do it. I'm sorry and I hope you find a better family soon!

I suspect you already know these parents are unlikely to change their ways. You can't make them. Line up your next job BEFORE you tell them enough is enough.

Tell parents and if nothing is done then you quit. Valid reason for quitting.

Child is abusive towards me and their siblings. The behavior is starting to really concern me. There is really nothing being done to curb the behavior and I'm becoming increasingly hesitant to discipline due to the physical and verbal backlash. It's come to the point that if you don't let the child control every aspect of the day the child will make your day unbearable.

I cannot make a difference if nothing is being done to change the behavior. Any advice?