Anonymous
09/07/2015 07:23
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
No. It's not my biz where / who they are out with. It is my biz that they are able to do job (wake up on time etc). Generally aupairs will discuss some friends. But some are more private
Anonymous
09/02/2015 23:07
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
We've had 2 APs and a very nice relationship with both. We always ask AP who and where she's going- not to check up on her, but just because we care and feel like someone should look out for her. God forbid, what if she went missing or something crazy- a young woman in a foreign country- someone should be looking out for her. My girls have appreciated it. I've also met my APs parents online while interviewing and feel like I have a responsibility to look out for their daughter.
Anonymous
09/02/2015 20:12
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
Anonymous wrote:I'm a worry wart but don't want to be intrusive. I have a friendly relationship with my AP so I just ask her something like, "so do you have plans for the weekend?" And she usually gives me a high level overview. She comes from an unsafe area and we used to live in an unsafe area so she understands and we are on the same page. Before she leaves she always says something like, I have my phone in case you don't hear from me (referring to the find my iPhone feature). She also knows it's genuine Bc one night she went out for a run and came in so quietly I didn't notice. As it got dark I became more concerned and mentioned it to my husband in what must have been a panicked voice and she came running out and said "I'm here!" So she gets it.
+1 I only ask in a casual way. I let them know that they can always call home and we will come and get her of she needs our help. And I have checked in if they are gone for more than a day.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 09:03
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
Anonymous wrote:I had no idea it was so unusual to ask what the plans are. It's never in the context of needing permission but more like being interested in her life and what she has going on. Also, we have one car for the whole family so when we talk about plans for the weekend, we're often coordinating who will need the car when.
I think you're reading this wrong. Asking in the context of "hey I'm interested in your life and what you have going on" - totally normal. Coordinating a shared car - totally normal. Requiring your au pair to tell you exactly where she's going and when - not normal.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 08:59
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
Anonymous wrote:We're on au pair number 7. We ask our au pairs - generally in the 19-21 year old range, though some have been older, to either tell us that they are coming back tonight or that they're staying out, and when (as in what day) they expect to be back.
I generally explain when they arrive that they DO want someone to have a general idea of when they should come home. If they were to NOT come home and we were to need to call the police, the police would want to know when we expected to see them. It's not that I need exact details, just a general sense of when they should reappear, or when I should start to worry.
If we know that they will be back that night, we have a certain light that we leave on and ask them to turn off when they return. They don't have a curfew, so that way if we go to bed before they return and we don't hear them come in, we know that they made it home.
Phrasing it this way seems to avoid the "mothering" that they (and I) want to avoid and to make it more of a "good roommate" situation, which they understand better.
We do exactly the same thing. We have male au pairs, so I don't really worry as much about their safety as when I had female au pairs, but I still want to have a general sense of when they expect to be home. I phrase it exactly the same way – if something were to happen, I need to be able to tell the police roughly where they were and roughly when I expected them home. This is just common sense. Not one in our nine years has had a problem with my asking, and most just tell me of their own volition anyway.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 08:58
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
I had no idea it was so unusual to ask what the plans are. It's never in the context of needing permission but more like being interested in her life and what she has going on. Also, we have one car for the whole family so when we talk about plans for the weekend, we're often coordinating who will need the car when.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 08:08
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
We're on au pair number 7. We ask our au pairs - generally in the 19-21 year old range, though some have been older, to either tell us that they are coming back tonight or that they're staying out, and when (as in what day) they expect to be back.
I generally explain when they arrive that they DO want someone to have a general idea of when they should come home. If they were to NOT come home and we were to need to call the police, the police would want to know when we expected to see them. It's not that I need exact details, just a general sense of when they should reappear, or when I should start to worry.
If we know that they will be back that night, we have a certain light that we leave on and ask them to turn off when they return. They don't have a curfew, so that way if we go to bed before they return and we don't hear them come in, we know that they made it home.
Phrasing it this way seems to avoid the "mothering" that they (and I) want to avoid and to make it more of a "good roommate" situation, which they understand better.
I generally explain when they arrive that they DO want someone to have a general idea of when they should come home. If they were to NOT come home and we were to need to call the police, the police would want to know when we expected to see them. It's not that I need exact details, just a general sense of when they should reappear, or when I should start to worry.
If we know that they will be back that night, we have a certain light that we leave on and ask them to turn off when they return. They don't have a curfew, so that way if we go to bed before they return and we don't hear them come in, we know that they made it home.
Phrasing it this way seems to avoid the "mothering" that they (and I) want to avoid and to make it more of a "good roommate" situation, which they understand better.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 07:48
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
Out AP gives us the Spanish inquisition when we go out. If we are coming home late we get a text asking if we are ok. She has anxiety and says she has visions of us getting in a car wreck. It's actually annoying at times. I can imagine if someone did that to a younger less mature person, they would be extremely irritated.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 06:54
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
No, we don't ask this and I think it's too "mom-ish" and intrusive. Just tell her to follow typical safety rules - ours is she has to tell *someone* where she is, but it doesn't have to be us. Sometimes it'll come up in normal "what are you up to this weekend?" Conversation, but otherwise, not my business. Unless it's with your car. We don't ask even if my car goes with her, but I could see it being reasonable to want to know where your car will be.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 06:43
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
I'm a worry wart but don't want to be intrusive. I have a friendly relationship with my AP so I just ask her something like, "so do you have plans for the weekend?" And she usually gives me a high level overview. She comes from an unsafe area and we used to live in an unsafe area so she understands and we are on the same page. Before she leaves she always says something like, I have my phone in case you don't hear from me (referring to the find my iPhone feature). She also knows it's genuine Bc one night she went out for a run and came in so quietly I didn't notice. As it got dark I became more concerned and mentioned it to my husband in what must have been a panicked voice and she came running out and said "I'm here!" So she gets it.
Anonymous
09/01/2015 06:16
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
At the beginning I would have our AP text me when she got home because she was in a new city. This lasted about 10 days. However mine is 19. I can't imagine asking that of a 25yrs old.
Anonymous
08/31/2015 22:02
Subject: Re:First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
Sometimes its worry, sometimes curiousity, sometimes a bit of resentment over the fact that she doesn't tell you her plans, but really, I think its pretty normal for the APs to have their own life. Think of yourself at that age - would you want your mom or somebody who was not your mom monitoring your activities? A little friendly banter about weekend plans is ok, but beyond that, its probably viewed as prying. Others may have a different experience, but this has been mine.
Anonymous
08/31/2015 21:48
Subject: Re:First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
Thanks--I guess I'm still in mom mode and just worried about her. But I guess I don't need to pry.
Anonymous
08/31/2015 21:46
Subject: Re:First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
My au pairs never tell me where they are going. I've had everything from 18 year olds to 25 year olds and rarely do I hear about their off duty plans after the first few weeks. Once in a while we will just discuss as part of chit chat - what are you doing tonight type of thing, but usually we don't discuss. I feel like the inquisitor if I ask and really, I don't care anyway unless they are doing something stupid with my car. Often with this age group, they don't know where they are going anyway - with all the texting and tindering and everything else they can do now to meet up with people, there's a lot less impetus to make a plan before going out the door.
Anonymous
08/31/2015 21:41
Subject: First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question
Does your au pair tell you where and with whom she is going out? Is this something we should ask and or expect? On the one hand, our first time au pair of one week is 25 years old and an adult. On the other hand, she is in a new city and it seems like knowing her where abouts is a safety issue. I get the sense that once she is off the clock, she really doesn't want to be bothered and is very private. So far seems pretty good with the kids and ok at other things, i.e. tiding up after the kids. Since we are first time host parents I'm trying to figure out boundaries. Thanks!