Just as an update-- it seems like things are getting better. I still wish she was more confident, but my DD seems ok with her. She seems level headed and warm. I'm trying to be very specific about my expectations. I told her we need to have a verbal update at the end of day (she was just walking out the door). She seems very naïve about quirky toddler behavior. She asked me why my DD eats better when she is around other neighborhood children who are also eating than in a one on one situation at home. She also wanted to know why my DD refuses to drink cups of milk from her. I can explain my own theories (eating with other kids is a great social activity? kind of like daycare?), but there is no absolute answer. Morning separation anxiety has also developed, adding to the stress. I keep reminding her that they need to get used to each other. One of the reasons I picked this woman is that she had started as a nanny with a 1.5 year old before-- I kind of assumed she was a vault of information about toddlers. Whoops.

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is that your DD is a spoiled brat.

I'm not the OP, but this child is a) not being fed and b) a toddler.

This is not the child's fault. This is an incompetent nanny and mother trying to hard to make a doomed situation work.

Your problem is that your DD is a spoiled brat.

You should go w/ your gut on this one--doesn't look good that this will work out based on the fact that your nanny was visibly distressed by the day which should really never happen, or at least not happen without explanation and discussion about what's going on. Is there a language barrier? (just wondering if maybe she didn't quite get what you were saying about the food choices).

You need a new nanny, OP. This one is not good.

MB here. It sounds like you did your job w/ the references but it also sounds to me like you got snowed somehow. An experienced nanny should be more than able to manage one toddler, basic meals, and building a relationship with the child and the family (which includes communicating effectively with you.)

Honestly, as miserable as the prospect might seem, my advice would be to cut your losses now and move on quickly. You're working way too hard for this.

OP again--- Just to follow up on a few details. DH can hear DD yelling daddy because we live in a small house, but he is on a different lower level. It is driving him a little nuts and it is a new behavior.

I think we need to prepare lunches for a while, but I was pretty excited that she was able to make them. That is a disappointment. We had a fridge full of leftovers yesterday and today. We literally would give the old nanny a bunch of raw chicken breasts, pasta, broccoli/string beans, beans and some rice and she would make lunch for the week. I described this during the interview! I also described some minor cleaning responsibilities. Ugh. She seems so nice. On the positive side, my DD has learned her name and called the nanny her friend.

OP-- She is experienced. I spoke with two references who raved about her. I asked her AND asked the references if she did minor cleaning and cooking of kids' meals. I'm so confused. I came home early to talk with her and she seemed miserable-- I started asking her about the day. I asked if there was anything she needed-- anything I could do to make things easier. All she would tell me is that she fed DD three whole string cheeses and DD refused her milk. I said three string cheese seemed like a lot for a one year old (very calmly). Apparently, DD was asking for them, so she gave them to her. After my very mild expression of concern and suggestions of other foods, she clammed up again. She said goodbye and walked out of the house almost ten minutes early. My gut is telling me this is bad! Our other nanny was so assertive with us and with DD. It sometimes annoyed me, but now I appreciate the confidence. I felt like I was having a conversation with a mouse. DH has similar problems. He generally stays out of the way and the nanny does not go into his space. He has a serious deadline right now, so he doesn't seem to have time to help fix this.

I would check in with the nanny and offer support but only step in when asked. Your daughter will adjust.

Be up front with your nanny about DDs disposition. Explain that while the cry sounds serious it is often due to a minor upset rather then any real emergency. It is very, very important that you explain how she should handle discipline and tantrums. Pal so important, DH needs to back the nanny up during the day by not allowing her to come to him in the work space or getting in the mix of things during the day. Even experienced nannies might be flustered by a lack of clear rules and boundaries.

MB here. It sounds like you hired a pretty inexperienced, or at least, non-assertive nanny. Nothing you're describing in your daughter's behavior sounds out of the norm for toddlers but a nanny who only fed a toddler "a few pieces of food" the whole day is a problem.

Has this person nannied before?

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you mean that your child is intense?

Could you please elaborate more on what that means?

Thx.

OP-- Well, she has always been a baby who can ramp up to very upset quickly. She still hates being in the car sometimes (pacifier helps- but we hate depending on it to keep her from getting totally hysterical). Sometimes she has a similar reaction to being in the stroller. This is inconvenient when you are already at the park. Also, my husband works from home and she was demanding him a lot yesterday. He kept his distance and let the nanny deal with things. Over the past few months, she has figured out how to do this very dramatic cry when she wants something that we aren't giving her. One thing that really helps is making use of the new verbal skills, but we can't always understand her or give her the crazy thing she has decided she wants.

We are first time parents and we are learning how to deal with this new toddler stage. Mostly, I love having a toddler and find it much more rewarding than the infant stage.

OP, what do you mean that your child is intense?

Could you please elaborate more on what that means?

Thx.

Sounds like your kid'sbehavior went to shit because she was hungry. Write out for the nanny what she should feed the kid.

I have a 1.5 year old who has a new nanny this week. The new nanny seemed horribly overwhelmed at the end of the day and I would love some tips on helping her. I had her work only half days on Monday and Tuesday, shadowing the old nanny. Old nanny had volunteered to help with training and they are from the similar cultural/same language backgrounds. My kid talks a lot (sometimes this is helpful!), but is rather intense. This was the new nanny's first full day, so I am hopeful things will get better. According to her, she only fed DD a few pieces of food the whole day. DD got absolutely hysterical when she saw me, but was better after she ate something.

I think time and patience are key here. I decided I should take off work most of tomorrow to help get her acclimated more. My first nanny was at home with me during the end of maternity leave, so the transition was extremely different.