Anonymous wrote:Also, I just realized this must have started when my mother visited for a week and made herself and the nanny lunch every day. So I'm not sure how to let her know that's not the norm. Because I thought that was pretty obvious.

Interesting that your mother has some etiquette and common sense but she failed to pass it on to her daughter.

Anonymous wrote:PP MB here.

OP, your nanny is out of line. I hope that when you come out of the fog of PPD (and hopefully you're getting good care for that?) you'll see this more clearly.

Here's what I'd suggest you saying, right now:

"Jane, I overheard your comment about me not making lunch for you. As we discussed when you started we will not be providing food for you, but you are welcome to bring and prepare anything you wish. I have actually made a point to buy a few things that I know you like, but you are responsible for your own meals. If you want to talk about that we certainly can, but I would prefer not to overhear this kind of criticism of me when walking through my house. Ok?"

Then leave and try not to devote any more mental energy to it. You are her boss, not her chef. Please don't waste any more of your limited emotional resources on this. She needs to know that you won't stand for it.

Your nanny is going to criticize you. Buck up.

You shouldn't be eating MacDonald food
with PPD or ever eating it. See the movie" Supersize. Me."

Also, I just realized this must have started when my mother visited for a week and made herself and the nanny lunch every day. So I'm not sure how to let her know that's not the norm. Because I thought that was pretty obvious.

Mostly there is soup in the pantry - all kinds - and lots of things for sandwiches. Lunch meat, cheese, lettuce, mayo, mustard, etc. Snacks too, chips and crackers and such. DH keeps it well stocked. I only eat a can of soup, so I'm not exactly sure what else people eat for lunch.

PP here, you say she has open access to the kitchen, but how much is there actually for her to eat? Ingredients of things you may or may not be planning to use to make dinner? Leftovers she a)isn't sure how long they've been in the fridge and b)doesn't know if someone else is planning to eat them. Did you provide her a variety of food beyond the ingredients to PB&J? It's one thing to tell a nanny she has free access to anything in the kitchen, but it's another for her to actually feel comfortable enough with you to use that access.

PP MB here.

OP, your nanny is out of line. I hope that when you come out of the fog of PPD (and hopefully you're getting good care for that?) you'll see this more clearly.

Here's what I'd suggest you saying, right now:

"Jane, I overheard your comment about me not making lunch for you. As we discussed when you started we will not be providing food for you, but you are welcome to bring and prepare anything you wish. I have actually made a point to buy a few things that I know you like, but you are responsible for your own meals. If you want to talk about that we certainly can, but I would prefer not to overhear this kind of criticism of me when walking through my house. Ok?"

Then leave and try not to devote any more mental energy to it. You are her boss, not her chef. Please don't waste any more of your limited emotional resources on this. She needs to know that you won't stand for it.

My previous MB always provided me with plenty of food to prepare for lunch, and if she ever happened to pick up lunch out, she would certainly pick something up for me and the kids as well. Same thing, if the kids and I were picking up lunch from out and she was home, we'd bring her something. Was it "necessary" for her to feed me? No. But I will tell you it was a simple gesture that went a very long way in building out relationship. She showed me a lot of kindness, and in return I would walk to the ends of the earth for their family, even though our professional relationship has ended.

Also the only reason I keep eating is so I can keep nursing. I'd rather not even do that. But I bet you've never suffered from debilitating PPD, am I right?

I don't eat in front of her. That's why that was in quotes. I make lunch and close myself up in my office to eat it. Geez.

No I don't think you have responsibility to feed her, make her lunch, or whatever. If its too much for you, of course let her know that you accidentally overheard her and wanted to reiterate that she is welcome to eat what is in the kitchen or to go out for lunch.

That being said, it bugs the hell out of me when people eat in front of me without offering something. Not because I'm greedy or entitled or exceptionally hungry, but because it is rude and inconsiderate and speaks to a lack of respect. If it was anyone else, ask yourself if you'd behave the same way? I wasn't raised that way, and it annoys me when people do it. Just like seeing men sitting on public transport while women stand.

If you have the energy to go out and pick up lunch for yourself, it doesn't require much more effort to ask her if she'd like some of what you're getting. As for her complaining, she may be generally unhappy with the job, which leads to her nitpicking your actions. But you don't have the mental energy to worry about this too much, am I right?

Yes, we discussed it once she was hired. I think maybe she feels uncomfortable going through the kitchen when I'm there, but I'm not sure about that. She said she likes peanut butter and jelly, and I've bought her preferred brand, but it seems like that didn't matter. I do know I feel very guilty about eating "in front" of her.

Good heavens. No, you should not be preparing lunch for her! If you choose to provide food that she can eat, or to stock things she likes, fine - but even that isn't required.

Did you discuss this when you hired her? If so, remind her of whatever you decided (and tell her what you overheard.)

- MB

Anonymous wrote:Telecommuting MB here. I rarely eat a full lunch, but will duck into the kitchen for a quick bite. Occasionally I will bring home lunch (fast food) if I happen to run errands over lunch. I overhead my nanny on the phone last week telling someone how awful it is I don't feed her. Well, she has open access to the kitchen - am I supposed to actually make her something? Or isn't just open access enough? I'm struggling with PPD and having to make her lunch on top of my own or call her to ask what she wants from McDonald's seems insurmountable right now. And yes, she is allowed to take DD out for lunch if she'd like.

Definitely no need to make her lunch for her! I would reiterate that nanny is welcome to anything in the kitchen, or to take dd out on occasion. And perhaps ask if there's anything specific for lunch you can grab for her on your next grocery run. If you offer this, try and be specific along the lines of offering lunch meats, fruits, and veggies, etc. as some have had problems with nannies making extravagant requests.

Telecommuting MB here. I rarely eat a full lunch, but will duck into the kitchen for a quick bite. Occasionally I will bring home lunch (fast food) if I happen to run errands over lunch. I overhead my nanny on the phone last week telling someone how awful it is I don't feed her. Well, she has open access to the kitchen - am I supposed to actually make her something? Or isn't just open access enough? I'm struggling with PPD and having to make her lunch on top of my own or call her to ask what she wants from McDonald's seems insurmountable right now. And yes, she is allowed to take DD out for lunch if she'd like.