Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and this is actually very true.

Then will you be following any of the advice given here?

You seem over the top.

I'm the OP and this is actually very true.

I wish the troll would get weeded out by admin. She always rambles on and on and on, like she's got nothing else to do all day.

Anonymous wrote:

My four year old charge has become increasingly attached to me. I have been her nanny since she was a baby so the bond is natural. She however tells me that she "cries from me at night and it makes Mommy sad and Mommy cries". When I leave, she bangs on the door and screams my name. It is the hardest thing to leave her but I don't want to prolong the tantrum and make MB anymore upset. My charge told me yesterday that she wishes I could be her mommy. I explained to her that she has a wonderful mommy that loves her very much and she is lucky to have a mommy and a nanny.

I don't know how to handle this situation and I am afraid that it will risk my job. As much as I want to scoop my charge up and hold her when she's sad about me leaving, I don't want to step on MB's toes.

Ha! Not even a believable troll. Back to the drawing board, OP.

Ugh, you're probably right. I really HATE when I get sucked in and try to give genuine support and it's probably just some bitter soul screwing with people.

My four year old charge has become increasingly attached to me. I have been her nanny since she was a baby so the bond is natural. She however tells me that she "cries from me at night and it makes Mommy sad and Mommy cries". When I leave, she bangs on the door and screams my name. It is the hardest thing to leave her but I don't want to prolong the tantrum and make MB anymore upset. My charge told me yesterday that she wishes I could be her mommy. I explained to her that she has a wonderful mommy that loves her very much and she is lucky to have a mommy and a nanny.

I don't know how to handle this situation and I am afraid that it will risk my job. As much as I want to scoop my charge up and hold her when she's sad about me leaving, I don't want to step on MB's toes.

Ha! Not even a believable troll. Back to the drawing board, OP.

I'm an MB. I'm totally comfortable with our nanny, who is utterly beloved by our kids. I'm not threatened by that at all. But if I were a FTM, and insecure or nervous in my role, and conflicted about working vs staying at home, etc.... might be a very different story.

If the mother is in tears at the declarations of the child (a big if) then there is a problem. An insecure mother might feel threatened and therefore could turn on a nanny who was fostering the kind of behavior OP is describing.

I think there is potential job risk in this scenario. I also don't think the behaviors described are particularly good for the nanny or child either.

I want my kids to be happy when the nanny gets there, happy when I get home, be unflappable at the transitions in between, etc... Tears and scenes and emotional drama are unnecessary and unhealthy IMO.

Anonymous wrote:My four year old charge has become increasingly attached to me. I have been her nanny since she was a baby so the bond is natural. She however tells me that she "cries from me at night and it makes Mommy sad and Mommy cries". When I leave, she bangs on the door and screams my name. It is the hardest thing to leave her but I don't want to prolong the tantrum and make MB anymore upset. My charge told me yesterday that she wishes I could be her mommy. I explained to her that she has a wonderful mommy that loves her very much and she is lucky to have a mommy and a nanny.

I don't know how to handle this situation and I am afraid that it will risk my job. As much as I want to scoop my charge up and hold her when she's sad about me leaving, I don't want to step on MB's toes.

I doubt your job is in jeopardy, her parents are probably very relieved to know she has such a loving caregiver she is attached to. Most great nannies have been through a phase like this and it really does mean you're doing your job well, as awkward and painful as the stage it.

However, you absolutely must not feed into this behavior and should start taking some small steps to address it. This means not making a big deal about arriving or leaving (no extra hugs, no sad faces), saying "see you tomorrow, have fun with mommy!" in a cheerful way when you leave, and spending the last half hour of the day drawing a picture about her day to show to mom - this is what I do and it works wonderfully. We get a nice opportunity for some quiet time after dinner and when mom walks in the door the kids are excited to show her their pictures and describe the day's activities and don't care as much that I'm leaving.

I don't think your job is in jeopardy over this. In fact, I think the opposite.

The family is probably feeling quite fortunate that they have someone who their daughter loves as much as she loves you + unless they have abnormal jealousy issues, this really should not be an issue.

Your response to her is perfect + I think you should always stick to that line whenever she tells you that.

I am sure she doesn't quite mean what she is saying...Kids tend to say things like that all the time, but you should just take everything they say at this age w/a grain of salt.

You are doing a terrific job as her nanny.

Don't feed or reward this behavior from the child. She is seeking attention and has learned that this approach pulls at your heartstrings and gets her attention.

Stop rewarding that.

She's 4 so reframe your thinking about it to reflect a 4 year old motivations, not an adult's interpretation of her emotions.

Do not make a fuss when you arrive/leave, do not reward the tantrums with attention. To help reset the dynamic plan things the child loves to do that happen when the mother gets home, not with you.

Talk to the mother. Tell her that you've realized this is happening and you are going to work to fix the situation. I think you are right - this puts your relationship with the employers at risk and you need to manage that.

A child can love her nanny deeply, love her parent(s) deeply, love her grandparents/sibling/family deeply, etc... without the behavior you're describing. They are not mutually exclusive unless you teach that behavior and attitude.

You can fix this but you have to be willing to sacrifice what this behavior is giving you.

Good for you for wanting to address this.

You have taken care of her all of her life and are with her for most of her waking hours, so of course you are more her mother in her eyes. She loves both of you and it is difficult for her. I hope her mother isn't jealous and the two of you can work together to the benefit of all.

Talk to the child about her behavior when you are leaving long before you are leaving and tell her how you need her to handle your daily departures. Make your exits as quick and painless as possible. I cared for a little girl who used to hide when I was leaving because she could not deal with the good-bye.

You need to deal with this now nanny - not only is the child risking your job but also damaging her little psyche. It is not a compliment to you when she cries for you - you are not doing your job correctly if she cannot handle your absences. And the reality is that none of us will be their nanny forever. All nanny jobs end. Parent relationships don't.

Your charge will outgrow this stage but you need to help her. I hope the mother doesn't take it personally or the child will use loving you as a weapon to get back at her mother.

I think you need to talk to mom. It may be that she quickly changes once you're out the door, or it may be that she keeps it up when you aren't there. I think that if you can air out what's going on with mom, you can get a sense of whether or not it's really a problem.

You need to stop being so sad when you leave. You're making it worse. Get her excited I spend time with mom. Color a picture with her for mom. Think of easy crafts mom has time for when she gets home. Get everything set up for a little cooking project. Make a book with your charge about her and her mom that they can read together at night.

My four year old charge has become increasingly attached to me. I have been her nanny since she was a baby so the bond is natural. She however tells me that she "cries from me at night and it makes Mommy sad and Mommy cries". When I leave, she bangs on the door and screams my name. It is the hardest thing to leave her but I don't want to prolong the tantrum and make MB anymore upset. My charge told me yesterday that she wishes I could be her mommy. I explained to her that she has a wonderful mommy that loves her very much and she is lucky to have a mommy and a nanny.

I don't know how to handle this situation and I am afraid that it will risk my job. As much as I want to scoop my charge up and hold her when she's sad about me leaving, I don't want to step on MB's toes.