Oh, the cup thing! My MB does this every other day. She will ask A what colour she'd like, A. will say yellow and then change her mind right after MB poured her water. Cue I WANT THE GREEN. Cue mother washing out the yellow and giving her the green one. Why? I don't know. This literally happens several times a week. A. hardly ever does it with me because she know it won't fly.

I think the article raises excellent points and I know I've been guilty of many of the things mentioned with my charges.

Though with the paragraph about the fear - I think it's not as much fear of the children, it's more about the exhaustion of the parents/nannies. I know I will surreptitiously swap things between children if I know one is in a bad mood and will throw a fit if they don't get their favourite colour, or let them all go on their iPods for a little bit longer if they're all being little monsters. It's easier, and sometimes it's hard to make yourself go in for a fight knowing it's not going to lead anywhere anyway. I think it's more about the 'pick your battles' thing rather than fear. Obviously some people prefer to have very few battles, and others make a battle of everything. Probably there's a golden middle we should all strive for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously it is much easier to deal with someone else's kids than your own. That writer was clearly not a parent.

I'd love to hear some specific points she made that you think don't carry over to parents if you're willing to elaborate! I thought her comments were very on- point, having been both a teacher and a nanny but never a parent, so I'd love to hear what it sounded like to those of you who are parents.

To me it sounded like she was asking parents to/giving parents permission to set boundaries with their kids. Period. She illustrates a lot of ways this is done (not adjusting daily minutia to suit the whims of your four-year-old, allowing school teachers, bus drivers, and shop keepers to correct unruly children, teaching the child personal responsibility and planning rather than letting them believe everyone will drop what they're doing to meet their immediate wants...) but none of them sounded cold to me?

And c'mon, wouldn't ALL of us, nanny or parent, love it if we got congratulated for a tantrum rather than side-eyed? Truly, it means you are doing something right; learning that the world doesn't bend to them is a tough lesson for kids but a very, very important one.

I'm not the previous poster but I'm a parent. Let me start by saying I do agree with the author's point about not being too permissive and I agree that parents like she is describing and not doing what is best for their children (although they think they are). BUT, while I don't completely disagree with the article there are a few things that did bother me about it. For starters (and maybe it's just me being more sensitive than I should be) it rubs me the wrong way when anyone generalizes about a group of people, whether that is parents, nannies etc and the author IS generalizing by saying that modern day parenting is in crisis because SO many parents are as she describes and I just don't think that is the case. Secondly, I do think she's exaggerating a bit. I certainly have friends who are similar to the parents she described in #1 and I'm not going to lie, I go home and tell my husband how Jane is setting herself up for big problems by giving into everything little thing Larla wants. But it doesn't really happen the way the author describes either. Usually it's more like the child cries that they want something and the parent sighs out of exasperation, decides it not worth the fight, and gives in. The outcome is the same but the reasoning is different. It's not because the parent is afraid of their child, it's because the parent is exhausted and doesn't have the energy for a tantrum.

I guess my feeling about this article is that she has valid points but maybe exaggerates a bit and it seems a little condescending from someone who is not a parent and doesn't have the same perspective.

Looks like most parents actually want their child to ignore authority.

Then they're shocked when their free spirit Laria doesn't "listen."

Who's really surprised about that?
Only the irresponsible permissive adults.

My favourites are the cup thing.... My charge does this to
MB all the time and she just smiles at me and says pick your battles... That and the encouraging moms for setting boundaries

Anonymous wrote:Obviously it is much easier to deal with someone else's kids than your own. That writer was clearly not a parent.

I'd love to hear some specific points she made that you think don't carry over to parents if you're willing to elaborate! I thought her comments were very on- point, having been both a teacher and a nanny but never a parent, so I'd love to hear what it sounded like to those of you who are parents.

To me it sounded like she was asking parents to/giving parents permission to set boundaries with their kids. Period. She illustrates a lot of ways this is done (not adjusting daily minutia to suit the whims of your four-year-old, allowing school teachers, bus drivers, and shop keepers to correct unruly children, teaching the child personal responsibility and planning rather than letting them believe everyone will drop what they're doing to meet their immediate wants...) but none of them sounded cold to me?

And c'mon, wouldn't ALL of us, nanny or parent, love it if we got congratulated for a tantrum rather than side-eyed? Truly, it means you are doing something right; learning that the world doesn't bend to them is a tough lesson for kids but a very, very important one.

Excellent post!!

So many parents today are entitled, impatient, rude, selfish and are rearing their children to be the same.

Anonymous wrote:
Working with children is real work,
no matter who's doing it.
Some say it's the hardest work there is.

I have a friend who says it's "coal miner hard"! Not we've ever been coal miners but I understand the point she is trying to make - caring for children in physically demanding and always being on guard for danger or injury to them adds a level of stress. Then there is the teaching... And the tedium of routine... And the loneliness of no other adult to talk to...

Make no mistake - child care, whether it's the parent or the nanny, is HARD work.

Working with children is real work,
no matter who's doing it.
Some say it's the hardest work there is.

Obviously it is much easier to deal with someone else's kids than your own. That writer was clearly not a parent.

I have to say she's spot-on. There are age appropriate behavior and accommodations but too many parents and caregivers pander to their child's every whim because "they're kids". The only way a child learns patience is through waiting. The only way a child learns table manners is through practicing them. The only way a child learns resilience is by failing.

Anonymous wrote:The British are notoriously tough and cold with their children. Not sure it's the culture that should be an example for how to solve the crisis.

I agree-this nanny has some points and I'm sure she's very experienced but there's got to be a mid-point between raising an obedient child while recognizing what is age appropriate behavior and making accommodations for that.

The British are notoriously tough and cold with their children. Not sure it's the culture that should be an example for how to solve the crisis.

Crisis is the TRUTH.

We need to get a grip on how we, as a society, are failing our children. They deserve better. We must become the parents and educators our children so desperately need to truly succeed in life.

This is important.
Thank you, OP.

5 Reasons Why Modern Day Parenting Is In Crisis
Emma Jenner 07/02/14 12:47 PM ET
I generally am quite an optimistic person. I tend to believe that everything will work out for the best unless the evidence is overwhelmingly to the contrary, and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not prone to drama. That's why when I say that modern parenting is in serious trouble -- crisis, even -- I hope you'll listen, and listen carefully. I've worked with children and their parents across two continents and two decades, and what I've seen in recent years alarms me. Here are the greatest problems, as I see them:

1. A fear of our children. I have what I think of as "the sippy cup test," wherein I will observe a parent getting her toddler a cup of milk in the morning. If the child says, "I want the pink sippy cup, not the blue!" yet the mum has already poured the milk into the blue sippy cup, I watch carefully to see how the parent reacts. More often than not, the mum's face whitens and she rushes to get the preferred sippy cup before the child has a tantrum. Fail! What are you afraid of, mum? Who is in charge here? Let her have a tantrum, and remove yourself so you don't have to hear it. But for goodness' sake, don't make extra work for yourself just to please her -- and even more importantly, think about the lesson it teaches if you give her what she wants because she's thrown a fit.

2. A lowered bar. When children misbehave, whether it's by way of public outburst or private surliness, parents are apt to shrug their shoulders as if to say, "That's just the way it is with kids." I assure you, it doesn't have to be. Children are capable of much more than parents typically expect from them, whether it's in the form of proper manners, respect for elders, chores, generosity or self-control. You don't think a child can sit through dinner at a restaurant? Rubbish. You don't think a child can clear the table without being asked? Rubbish again! The only reason they don't behave is because you haven't shown them how and you haven't expected it! It's that simple. Raise the bar and your child shall rise to the occasion.

3. We've lost the village. It used to be that bus drivers, teachers, shopkeepers and other parents had carte blanche to correct an unruly child. They would act as the mum and dad's eyes and ears when their children were out of sight, and everyone worked towards the same shared interest: raising proper boys and girls. This village was one of support. Now, when someone who is not the child's parent dares to correct him, the mum and dad get upset. They want their child to appear perfect, and so they often don't accept teachers' and others' reports that he is not. They'll storm in and have a go at a teacher rather than discipline their child for acting out in class. They feel the need to project a perfect picture to the world and unfortunately, their insecurity is reinforced because many parents do judge one another. If a child is having a tantrum, all eyes turn on the mum disapprovingly. Instead she should be supported, because chances are the tantrum occurred because she's not giving in to one of her child's demands. Those observers should instead be saying, "Hey, good work -- I know setting limits is hard."

4. A reliance on shortcuts. I think it's wonderful that parents have of all sorts of electronics to help them through airline flights and long waits at the doctor's office. It's equally fabulous that we can order our groceries online for delivery, and heat up healthy-ish food at the touch of a button on the microwave. Parents are busier than ever, and I'm all for taking the easy way when you need it. But shortcuts can be a slippery slope. When you see how wonderful it is that Cayou can entertain your child on a flight, don't be tempted to put it on when you are at a restaurant. Children must still learn patience. They must still learn to entertain themselves. They must still learn that not all food comes out steaming hot and ready in three minutes or less, and ideally they will also learn to help prepare it. Babies must learn to self-soothe instead of sitting in a vibrating chair each time they're fussy. Toddlers need to pick themselves up when they fall down instead of just raising their arms to mum and dad. Show children that shortcuts can be helpful, but that there is great satisfaction in doing things the slow way too.

5. Parents put their children's needs ahead of their own. Naturally, parents are wired to take care of their children first, and this is a good thing for evolution! I am an advocate of adhering to a schedule that suits your child's needs, and of practices like feeding and clothing your children first. But parents today have taken it too far, completely subsuming their own needs and mental health for the sake of their children. So often I see mums get up from bed again and again to fulfill the whims of their child. Or dads drop everything to run across the zoo to get their daughter a drink because she's thirsty. There is nothing wrong with not going to your child when she wants yet another glass of water at night. There's nothing wrong with that dad at the zoo saying, "Absolutely you can have something to drink, but you must wait until we pass the next drinking fountain. "There is nothing wrong with using the word "No" on occasion, nothing wrong with asking your child to entertain herself for a few minutes because mummy would like to use the toilet in private or flick through a magazine for that matter.

I fear that if we don't start to correct these five grave parenting mistakes, and soon, the children we are raising will grow up to be entitled, selfish, impatient, and rude adults. It won't be their fault -- it will be ours. We never taught them any differently, we never expected any more of them. We never wanted them to feel any discomfort, and so when they inevitably do, they are woefully unprepared for it. So please, parents and caregivers from London to Los Angeles, and all over the world, ask more. Expect more. Share your struggles. Give less. And let's straighten these children out, together, and prepare them for what they need to be successful in the real world and not the sheltered one we've made for them.