I'm an MB. I'm struggling some with our nanny situation and am a little afraid of even posting here because I know how unpleasant things can get, but I need to vent a bit and at least this is anonymous.
We have twin toddlers, who have had the same nanny since they were 4 months old. She is now in her third year with our family and she is great. It is my hope that she would be with us well into their early school years if we can continue to afford it, and if she is interested in staying with us rather than finding a family with younger children again. I will call her Lucy for the purpose of this email.
Lucy is older. She is in her late 50's, but she handles our kids with more patience, energy, and enjoyment than anyone I could have hoped to find - at any age. I trust Lucy absolutely completely with my kids' well-being, our home, everything we own, our cars, our money, etc... So we hit the jackpot and I think Lucy is very happy also in her job. Lucy is a US citizen, who has lived and worked here for 30 years, is fluent in English, and is paid legally. We pay her well, give good benefits, have given her 10% raises and a significant bonus every year, she has very competitive benefits, etc...
Lucy does not have any family here - she is divorced, has no children, and her family are all in her home country - which she visits annually. She has some local friends, and very close relationships with former families for whom she has been a nanny.
The problem I'm facing is that in the last 6 months things have taken somewhat of a turn. Lucy's health is not what it was when we hired her. She needs to have a couple of surgeries (one of which will require her to need 4-6 weeks of time off), she has had multiple small/chronic conditions develop - one involving an inner ear situation that flares up without warning and takes her out of commission for a few days. She (along with our whole family) got the wicked cold that has been going around this winter and was out or significantly under the weather for almost 2 weeks earlier this month. She is from South America so is very uneasy with winter weather or significant cold so in the past few weeks (we're in MD) we have had her stay with us for many nights when there was any concern of (or any actual) winter weather. She won't take the kids out in the cold so our kids are not getting out of the house at all during the day. (Lucy isn't trying to defy our wishes, she's genuinely scared of the weather or any snow on the ground - so she's just afraid to go out.) With her holiday, vacation, and sick leave she gets 30 paid days off a year (plus usually some extras at holidays or if we go away). She has already used close to 8 of those days in January for fairly routine things - without even beginning to figure out the time off for her surgeries. She does not have a strong local support system so we (husband and I) are helping her figure out the various insurance nightmares related to her upcoming surgeries, helping her deal with car repairs, helping to find her and then move her to a new apartment, driving her places when she is afraid to be on the road, taking her to urgent care on Christmas morning when her inner ear problem flared up, etc... We care very much for her and she has sought our support and involvement.
So, in addition to supporting her through all of this things, we have also been frequently having to scramble to take time off, get back-up care on short notice, work our schedules around Lucy's needs, spend probably 15hrs or more over weekends and evenings on her insurance questions just in the last 2 weeks, etc... It is draining, expensive, stressful, and exhausting. I'm feeling very torn at what is becoming an increasing drain on us, but also the burden of what Lucy is facing. We want to help her - of course, and we want her to get good care and the recovery time she needs and we're trying to figure out how much we can help her financially (in terms of paying her for an extended time out for recovery, helping with some medical bills which may be substantial, etc...) But we cannot be her family and full support network. And we really need reliable care. Planning for an extended medical absence is something we can do, and something we want to do for Lucy - we want her to be with us for the long-term. But the reality of the past 2 months is not something we can accept as the norm, and I am afraid this will be the case for the next 6 months, and perhaps even the long-term. There is no way to know that of course.
So I know this is terribly long - I apologize. There is no magic answer here. It's just incredibly difficult to support Lucy to the extent we feel able (and want to do) and also ensure that we have reliable, high-quality childcare that I trust and that isn't a source of additional stress (or unmangeable financial burden). I'm walking around feeling frustrated at the price my family and kids are paying, worried about Lucy's health and well-being and needs, and guilty at the impossibility of taking care of everyone equally well. There isn't a scenario where we can get everyone everything they need unless we hire a full-time second nanny to be on call, and devote 10's of thousands of dollars to Lucy's health needs.
Some might say we're too involved in her life and we have made a mistake in allowing that to happen. I get that - but we really do care for her and she's in a tough spot with the medical stuff and lack of family support.
And some might say we should focus on the big picture and her first 18 months with us - if she gets back to that level of reliability then 5 years from now this period will seem like no big deal. And some might say that there is no ceiling on what we should be willing spend on quality care for our kids, even if that includes paying two people for the job for a couple of month, and paying Lucy's medical bills, etc...
I just don't know how to do this well and graciously, and without continuing to feel as torn and stressed as I am currently. I feel very strongly about behaving professionally and respectfully as an employer, and I also feel very strongly about caring for the people who matter in our lives. Mostly those things have been possible to do harmoniously so far but now it's getting tougher.
So - I guess I have no real question, but I'd welcome suggestions if you have any. And I totally get it if this was just too long and rambling to stand. It helps me just to write it out and think it through a bit.