Anonymous wrote:Everyone else has said it. You need to find a new nanny. She has become extremely passive aggressive and her saying she didn't know how the tax system worked is hard to believe. Unless she just moved to this country, she knows how taxes work.

Your needs are also changing. You need someone who can drive.

It sucks, but bite the bullet and find someone new.

You would be surprised but I think she for real did not know how the tax system here works. She used to be employed by the embassy of her country when she arrived here 20 years ago and worked there for a while. Then she was nannying within the ethnic community she is a part of. Since she does not speak English she managed to live here for quite without really knowing how things work. Her previous employers ALL paid her under the table. The couple she worked for before us are employed by the Department of State, bytheway. She was in shock when we explained to her how the whole Social Security system works. She was sure one gets that simply at a certain age and was surprised to find out that one needs to contribute in order to get the benefits later on.

Everyone else has said it. You need to find a new nanny. She has become extremely passive aggressive and her saying she didn't know how the tax system worked is hard to believe. Unless she just moved to this country, she knows how taxes work.

Your needs are also changing. You need someone who can drive.

It sucks, but bite the bullet and find someone new.

MB here - I think you need a new nanny, and I think you know that but really are dreading the process - which I totally understand. But this situation is clearly deteriorating and I bet that if you found someone new, who is a better fit for your current needs, you would feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

I think you can reasonably ask, as part of the routine job duties, that the nanny maintain the children's areas (bedrooms, play areas) and space where they eat and do their laundry. Beyond that you could negotiate additional duties as you need them and the nanny is willing to accommodate (light cleaning, prep of family dinner once a week, grocery shopping, running the dishwasher, etc...)

I tend to consider cleaning beyond that to be inappropriate to ask of our nanny - so no deep cleaning, no cleaning of the bathrooms (except as necessitated by potty training), no cleaning the stove/fridge, no laundry other than the kids', etc... Sometimes she'll do a bit of that to be generous, but it isn't required.

We have ended up w/ an occasionally uncomfortably personal level of support and involvement in our nanny's life also - very much at her request. I wish we could maintain cleaner borders, but I also know that we can be very helpful to her in ways she needs, and our care/concern for her is returned by her care of our family. So I understand how that can happen.

But honestly, I really think you need to bite the bullet and replace your nanny. Six months from now you will likely be hugely relieved and wish you'd done it sooner.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Time to get a new nanny. You can clean with vinegar and water, plus a few drops of vanilla or orange or lemon. Does she NEVER clean her own home?

The way cleaning works is that most good nannies will clean up from the kids, and do chores/cleaning related to them. So they'll change the kids bedding, but not yours. They'll do the kids laundry. If they are in charge of lunch, they should be cleaning up after it. They should be supervising/helping the kids cleaning up their bedrooms, the playroom. But they're not going to wash the windows.

Does anyone expect their nanny to be washing the windows?

Time to get a new nanny. You can clean with vinegar and water, plus a few drops of vanilla or orange or lemon. Does she NEVER clean her own home?

The way cleaning works is that most good nannies will clean up from the kids, and do chores/cleaning related to them. So they'll change the kids bedding, but not yours. They'll do the kids laundry. If they are in charge of lunch, they should be cleaning up after it. They should be supervising/helping the kids cleaning up their bedrooms, the playroom. But they're not going to wash the windows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say that it sounds like she is getting comfortable, and she is not the most professional (but you knew you didn't hire a professional right?). However, it seems like the majority of your issues are her scaling back on EXTRA duties. Work on getting her to do the things you are actually paying her for (showing up on time, etc.) and be grateful for the extra things she did when she did them. If you want to renegotiate and make those extras actual duties, by all means, but it IS a renegotiation. Alternatively, you could let her go, and structure a new position to include the extra things your current nanny used to do. Keep in mind that your children will be napping less and less.

Thanks! I also did not mention previously that since she does not drive a lot of things are a pain for her to do. So, every time she needs us to get something for her from the store or whatever errand we always always do that. We call places on her behalf, etc. So, it is not like she is doing EXTRA things for us and we are these inconsiderate people. I try to reciprocate and help in any way that I can

It sounds like your relationship has gotten way too familiar, and professional boundaries were never established. She should never have started doing a whole bunch of extra housework from the jump that she couldn't maintain, as now you're used to it and it feels like you're getting less for your money. You are crossing boundaries as well by helping her take care of things that functioning adults should handle themselves, and by no means should be the responsibility of their employer. I don't think the dynamics can be fixed at this point and if you want things to be different, you'll need a new nanny.

Anonymous wrote:I will say that it sounds like she is getting comfortable, and she is not the most professional (but you knew you didn't hire a professional right?). However, it seems like the majority of your issues are her scaling back on EXTRA duties. Work on getting her to do the things you are actually paying her for (showing up on time, etc.) and be grateful for the extra things she did when she did them. If you want to renegotiate and make those extras actual duties, by all means, but it IS a renegotiation. Alternatively, you could let her go, and structure a new position to include the extra things your current nanny used to do. Keep in mind that your children will be napping less and less.

Thanks! I also did not mention previously that since she does not drive a lot of things are a pain for her to do. So, every time she needs us to get something for her from the store or whatever errand we always always do that. We call places on her behalf, etc. So, it is not like she is doing EXTRA things for us and we are these inconsiderate people. I try to reciprocate and help in any way that I can

Anonymous wrote:I would never pay her under the table. it is illegal and you can have problems later on, especially if the situation deteriorates to the point you lay her off.

I am sorry if I gave the wrong impression here. She wants us now to pay under the table but we are not open to it which I suspect is part of the reason behind the unhappinness

Anonymous wrote:I am a nanny and I hate to say it, but it's probably time to part ways. If you think it's worth it, I would figure out exactly what you want (is the housework the problem? The tardiness? Something else?) and tell her clearly that you have noticed a change and you need her to do X. Her response will tell you whether there is a chance you can work on this.

You will likely get flamed for expecting free housework, and it's true that if you want housework, you should specify that in your contract. BUT, I get the feeling that you are more frustrated with her attitude. If she told you point blank thT she can't do any cleaning or laundry with 2 kids to watch, but she otherwise had a wonderful, positive attitude, would you be okay with that? I think her attitude of not wanting to be there is the bigger deal.

Thanks a lot for your reply. So, I need some clarity on understanding the whole house work part of it. She is our first and only nanny. We had no clue of what to expect and she pretty much set the course. What I do honestly understand is whether nannies generally do any light cleaning or not. I see conflicting postings on this board. Is it common or not for nannies to do light house keeping such as dishes after children's lunch, children's laundry, etc while kids are napping

I will say that it sounds like she is getting comfortable, and she is not the most professional (but you knew you didn't hire a professional right?). However, it seems like the majority of your issues are her scaling back on EXTRA duties. Work on getting her to do the things you are actually paying her for (showing up on time, etc.) and be grateful for the extra things she did when she did them. If you want to renegotiate and make those extras actual duties, by all means, but it IS a renegotiation. Alternatively, you could let her go, and structure a new position to include the extra things your current nanny used to do. Keep in mind that your children will be napping less and less.

I would never pay her under the table. it is illegal and you can have problems later on, especially if the situation deteriorates to the point you lay her off.

She is getting too comfortable.

I am a nanny and I hate to say it, but it's probably time to part ways. If you think it's worth it, I would figure out exactly what you want (is the housework the problem? The tardiness? Something else?) and tell her clearly that you have noticed a change and you need her to do X. Her response will tell you whether there is a chance you can work on this.

You will likely get flamed for expecting free housework, and it's true that if you want housework, you should specify that in your contract. BUT, I get the feeling that you are more frustrated with her attitude. If she told you point blank thT she can't do any cleaning or laundry with 2 kids to watch, but she otherwise had a wonderful, positive attitude, would you be okay with that? I think her attitude of not wanting to be there is the bigger deal.

Get a new nanny.

Our relationship with our nanny is deteriorating and I would like to ask for a reality check here.

Here are the specifics:
- we have 2 kids: a 3 year old boy and 10 mo old girl
- boy goes to preschool 2 times a week til 12:00
- We live near White Flint station in North Bethesda
- This woman been with us since our son is 4 months old
- She does not drive and does not speak English
- She works 8 a.m.- 6 p.m. (Mo through Fr)
- She gets $770 per week. Her hours are guaranteed. She has 3 weeks paid a year. We drive her to the metro every day.


When she started with us she was enthusiastically cleaning and some times cooking for us. We did not ask her for any of it. She did it to help us out and we really appreciated it. Then as time went by she slowed down. She is doing less and less. It's understandable because now there is an additional child to take care of.

I should mention that we pay on the books. She wanted to be paid on the books and we also prefer it that way. Well, turns out that she did not realize how the system works. she thought that paying on the books means that employer is paying ALL the tax. Turns out she was liable for her share. Since she is around 60 years old she did not have many deductions. So, when she realized she had to pay taxes she was pretty upset. She try to get us to pay it using manipulative methods. I gave her some money as bonus to cover her liability. She put it on her IRA instead and now she is paying her liability in installments which is affecting her disposable income.

Our relationship been great at the start. We have had ups and downs through almost 3 years she has been with us. Now, I feel that the relationship is deteriorating. She decided not to do laundry today which she usually does and when I asked her about it told me that she did not get time for it. She is now few minutes late each day and we can see her standing in front of the house and chatting on the phone. Previously, she used to be extremely punctual. She ignores me some time, i.e. just would not do something we agreed on. Now, I am not sure what to do. I do not want just let her go because she has been great with our kids. I also feel bad since I am not sure she can find a job that pays her what we pay her since she does not speak English and her native language is not Spanish. I also am dreading the idea of looking for a different nanny. AT the same time, she has been requesting we pay her under the table. She also is saying that she will no longer do light cleaning (while kids are napping) because she has allergy to cleaning supplies. These cleaning supplies we buy at her request, i.e. the ones she picks. So, I am not sure whether I am doing something wrong here like not paying enough or not doing enough for her or she is getting too comfortable with us

I would appreciate any feedback on the situation