OP here. I do consider what I saw abusive. It was not a spanking. It was a hard slap in the face. I've witnessed this same dad speak to both his daughters (8 &4) in what I consider emotionally/verbally abusive way, though their mother and PT nanny are both kind to both kids- I don't know if they know about the slapping but they know about the way he talks to them. My Bosses are great people, great parents and I am shocked they aren't taking what I saw more seriously.

Puts me in a tough spot. I will talk to MB again.

Slapping across the face IS child abuse no matter what age they are! This is not like spanking (which I'm against) that is considered an appropriate form of punishment to some families. I would tell MB that you will do the play date but if you ever see him hit his child like that again, you're going to call CPS. That should freak her out enough to avoid play dates. I would rather lose a job then be witness to any form of abuse.
If he hits his young child like that than you know damn sure he is doing that to his wife and has the ability to do it to someone else. Abuse is abuse and we need to stop being selective on what we consider is acceptable.

-former abused child

Anonymous wrote:15:40 here - it literally makes me sick to think that adults are just going to stand around and do nothing for this poor girl. It's bad enough that the mother will tolerate this, but that stragers that have now seen this just "let it fly" simply means youre too coward to do something about this. I work in an ER where abused children are brough in all the time, it is SO SAD how people don't stop it. Be brave, have a serious conversation with your employer (if you have known her 7 years then there must be a trust there). You can also go to the school and see if they can help.

This. I'm not even the one who saw it, and I'm sick to my stomach. If you might get fired over this (as one poster suggested) so be it. How can people be so ruthless towards a four year old?

Is the child an old 4 or young 4? I know that at four, if I asked my DD questions, she would answer. Now, you can't ask a "leading" question, but you can ask questions that will enable you to get a better sense. Granted, I know that you are not a professional therapist, but if you have concerns and are thinking of keeping them quiet, before you did so, wouldn't it make sense to ask the child about her parents? Then if you learn more, maybe your MB will help to do something? I think you mentioned that the kids go to school together. Why not mention a concern to the teacher?

I have never, ever, ever laid a hand on either of my children. And for marshmellows. I think the marshmellow incident is telling. When my kids eat s'mores, we put my DD's hair back or she will get marshmellow in her hair. At age 4, that job is the dad's. so if this girl got marshmellow in her hair, it's his fault not hers, and if he doesn't see it that way,...ok, now I'm pissed.

15:40 here - it literally makes me sick to think that adults are just going to stand around and do nothing for this poor girl. It's bad enough that the mother will tolerate this, but that stragers that have now seen this just "let it fly" simply means youre too coward to do something about this. I work in an ER where abused children are brough in all the time, it is SO SAD how people don't stop it. Be brave, have a serious conversation with your employer (if you have known her 7 years then there must be a trust there). You can also go to the school and see if they can help.

Anonymous wrote:I TOTALLY disagree. If he's slapping her over a marshmellow, who knows if he's hitting her or doing worse at home. This should be reported. The child is in danger, and needs an adult to stand up for her. At least you could say to your boss that you are really worried about the girl, it shows that you are a caring, loving person. What kind of parent just ignores this?

+1 My dad occasionally lashed out at me like this as a kid in public, and I really resent the fact that no one ever stood up for me. Trust me, it was much worse in private. I would not stop the play dates, but I would discuss my concerns with my MB and let her know that if she isn't going to report him, that I will. Spanking is one thing, and can be construed as "discipline", however a smack accross the face isn't a spanking and it isn't discipline, its abuse.

I TOTALLY disagree. If he's slapping her over a marshmellow, who knows if he's hitting her or doing worse at home. This should be reported. The child is in danger, and needs an adult to stand up for her. At least you could say to your boss that you are really worried about the girl, it shows that you are a caring, loving person. What kind of parent just ignores this?

That's an excellent way to think of it. Thank you.

Think of it this way OP - you can be an additional source of kindness and gentleness in that girl's world. Given what you saw it might be really great for her to have another adult around to reinforce what's delightful about her and help her feel safe to make mistakes, etc... You're doing a good thing by being present in her world.

Alright, thank you guys. I think I just needed another perspective. I like this man's kids and I don't want to punish them or my charges. I guess I just want my charges to be surrounded by positive role models and adults I trust- and I certainly don't trust this guy! If these were my kids, we would be staying well away from this man BUT they are not my kids. I should trust MBs choices on it and will do so.

Guess I just needed to vent it out.

I agree the father is an ass, but I wouldn't want to penalize the children (not supporting playdates, etc...) because of the father's actions.

I can understand you not wanting to be around him, but I think you're over-reacting a bit. As long as the children aren't being left in his care on your watch, then I don't see quite what you would accomplish by making things more difficult.

If you feel strongly about this, be willing to lose your job. It looks like MB isn't bothered by it, so you will have to continue facilitating the play dates

I'm not trying to deprive her of a playmate but there are 12 other kids in her preschool class. Twelve other sets of parents who I haven't seen slap a four year old in the face and call her a pig. If you're 4 and you are hit and called a pig- what are you learning? What is that teaching their playmates? I think I'm looking for the kids. If they want to have this family over on the weekends or days I'm off- have at it! But to continue to ask me to drive this mans kid after I said it made me uncomfortable?


But thanks, maybe that's how MB feels.

I think you are being unreasonable.

The father may be a jerk, but it's not like he's going to hit you, nor is he likely to hit the kids while he's there picking up his daughter... I understand why you would dislike him but I can't understand your insistence that you not encounter him. And why punish his child more by depriving her of her playmate?

I have been a nanny for the same family for 7 years. Over this time, I supervised play dates at their house and take the kids to other houses/parks/whatever for play dates. A few weeks ago, the family I work for and some other families went on a camping trip- I went with them. Everyone was around the campfire and I went to grab something from my tent and a father of another child was back by the tents with his 4 year old and he didn't see me there- he slapped her across the face-HARD- because she got marshmallows in her hair. SHE IS FOUR. I went back and finished the trip as if nothing had happened. Immediately told MB what I saw when we get back. She too was horrified. I told her I wasn't comfortable going to this other families house for play dates/didn't want to drive their daughters over for play dates anymore (sometimes I pick up her daughter and the other family's daughter and then supervise a play date). MB said ok, she understands. Fast forward a few weeks, MB tells me she scheduled play date with this family and I am to watch both kids then the other little girls dad (the one who slapped his 4 year old) will pick up his daughter in the afternoon. she leaves for work- I do as she asked but I am uncomfortable around this child-smacker! I don't want to be around him or put my charges around him! Am I over reacting? Can I tell her again I'm not comfortable with this?