NP here. I have an au pair who I would call pretty good. Maybe a B, if I had to grade her. We extended in the past and regretted it. I've seen those threads on aupairmom and find it interesting that extensions don't turn out well for a lot of host families.

I think our au pair wants to extend. I'm hesitant. Could I please hear from host parents who chose not to extend although their au pair wanted to? How did you handle it? Was the remainder of your time with her awkward?

OP, can you handle another year of her performance and attitude as it is now? How about if it gets even slightly worse?

Have you noticed a decline in enthusiasm from when she first started? How about from about month four? Has it been steep or steady?

Why does she want to extend? Because she likes being an au pair? Because she doesn't want to separate from the friends she's made here? Because she doesn't know what else to do?

OP here. I discovered that at least with APIA, extension is pretty low risk in the sense that: AP has earned her flight home after she passes the 1 year mark. So, it's entirely possible for us to decide at some point into the 6 months (even at the beginning of the 6 months) - with 4-6 weeks notice - that we're going to end early and we (HF) get "credit" so that we haven't lost anything.

I wouldn't say that the past year performance was "mediocre". What I said before - and still believe, is "fine not great". For me, "great" would mean an AP who frequently takes the initiative to help the family going above and beyond without being asked. "Fine" being: she does all the things we ask, and we are not shy about asking, and is responsible/respectful/etc. Our AP works some part of the weekend almost every weekend (we are careful to give the full weekend off every month).

The main concern is how "into" the job of being an AP/caregiver for school-aged children she is, and can she sustain enthusiasm for an extra 6 months.

You sound absolutely dreadful. Let her go and I hope and pray she will be able to find a caring, decent host mom.

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You sound absolutely dreadful. Let her go and I hope and pray she will be able to find a caring, decent host mom.

I agree that your match date is awkward, especially for German APs. We match with Germans for a mid-November arrival date and haven't had an issue, though. We just chose poorly this year. And January arrival would allow the AP to say goodbye at Christmas time, which actually seems perfect.

Is there anyway you can stretch it to the end of January or something around there by using alternate childcare? Or extend just for three months? Or match with a 6-month extension Ap from another family instead? Or a rematching AP that only has 3-9ish months left?

It just really sounds like a mediocre match already and having gone through nearly a year of one of those, I can tell you that at progressively more and more maddening. I can't imagine if I still had another 6 months of this. And think about the message you're sending - "we're so ok with your mediocre performance, that we want you to stay and have it continue."

Anonymous wrote:OP here - not sure which way I'm leaning. One of the comments on Au Pair Mom struck a chord with me: "There is a reason why the program is 1 year."

Our changeover time is really awkward - right after Christmas, before New Year. Our family likes to ski and I'm uncomfortable leaving a new (less than 2 months in country) AP on her own for more than a night or so, and for expense and other reasons, don't want to bring AP skiing with us. That means our family ski trip has to take place during christmas, and we have to be back by the 29/30 for AP arrival. A start date 1-2 weeks later doesn't make much difference and then will leave us with a gap.

Also, the pool of German applicants (we want German for language reasons) is small for this time of year. I'm not sure how much to make of that. We've found pretty good applicants with this weird timing. The hardest thing is having an AP start in the cold/inside winter months. I think it generally takes a bit longer to connect with other APs.

One possibility that you may have not considered - match with a transition who has about 6 months left on her visa. It serves the purpose of getting you into the Summer match mode, plus she won't be "new" to the US and you can feel better about leaving her for your ski trip.

OP here - not sure which way I'm leaning. One of the comments on Au Pair Mom struck a chord with me: "There is a reason why the program is 1 year."

Our changeover time is really awkward - right after Christmas, before New Year. Our family likes to ski and I'm uncomfortable leaving a new (less than 2 months in country) AP on her own for more than a night or so, and for expense and other reasons, don't want to bring AP skiing with us. That means our family ski trip has to take place during christmas, and we have to be back by the 29/30 for AP arrival. A start date 1-2 weeks later doesn't make much difference and then will leave us with a gap.

Also, the pool of German applicants (we want German for language reasons) is small for this time of year. I'm not sure how much to make of that. We've found pretty good applicants with this weird timing. The hardest thing is having an AP start in the cold/inside winter months. I think it generally takes a bit longer to connect with other APs.

Too funny that she's German! She really does sound sooo much like ours. I would really figure out why she wants to extend because Germans rarely do I've heard. Is she extending because she doesn't know what she wants to do with the rest of her life? Or because she really likes being an au pair and feels happy and comfortable with your family? If its the former and she just has no direction, then I wouldn't recommend extending. If it's the later, then maybe -
You do sound like you're leaning toward keeping her. Are you leaning towards keepig her just because its easier than starting over? That worries me a bit too...

OP here, thanks for the comments. Particularly the first link to aupairmom blog (I had looked there, but didn't see that posting for some reason).

We are already at the point of receiving the paperwork, and have to make a decision within the next 3 weeks. Our AP brought up the topic (we were discussing actually travel at Xmas, assuming her year would be over). And, LOL, she is a 19yr old German.

I would be pretty shocked if suddenly upon extension she is out all night partying. She does not have a boyfriend now (nor has she had one since she arrived). She is not as into family participation, and I am generally OK with that (I just wish there would be some more interaction during meals!). I am worried about her potentially becoming mopey/bored/homesick as life here is no longer so "new."

We still do have 3 weeks to decide so we're going to try to explore with her the reason(s) why she wants to extend, and if she's thought about whether she can keep up her enthusiasm for the job, etc. Maybe that will help us make the decision.

http://aupairmom.com/seasons-of-the-au-pair-year-what-happens-with-extensions/2010/08/15/celiaharquail/

http://aupairmom.com/how-can-we-tell-our-au-pair-we-dont-want-to-extend/2012/03/13/celiaharquail/

Don't do it, OP. I have heard from literally everyone that I know that has extended that they regretted it unless they had an au pair that was awesome in every way, in which case they continued to be thrilled. And you're only about half-way into the year?

Is your au pair German by chance? She literally sounds exactly like our 19yo German au pair, whose year with us ends after this month (and I am counting the days - she started off like yours and just got worse and worse). What I'm hearing from you is that she's entirely mediocre. You say she does anything that is explicitly asked of her, which means to me that she does only the bare minimum and nothing more. She doesn't take initiative (so expect to have to continue to train her on every little detail for anything that changes for the entire year), she acts bored and like taking care of your children is a chore, she is uninterested in engaging with your family in conversation, and is scheduling play dates for her own socialization rather than according to your children's wants and needs (i.e., "let's have a playdate so we can hang out and ignore our kids!")

So she's punctual, drives well and does what you ask her to do? That's very basic and I am sure you can find someone who can do at least that.

You will regret it, OP. Does she want to extend? Has she told you that? If she wants to extend, tell her that you're not ready to make that decision yet due to the performance slide you've witnessed over the summer. You can tell her specifically what you would like to see and how she can meet that expectation and then you can have the extension talk again. You don't need to decide now.

Nope. You can always search for another 6 month extending girl...and go with her to get realigned.

Don't extend unless she's AWESOME.

She really sounds decent. I would just maybe have a conversation with her about your hopes for the next sixth months and keep her. Maybe add a retention bonus for good performance (are you allowed to do that), to be paid at the end?

I'm having trouble deciding whether to extend with our current AP. The extension would be for 6 months.

Pros:
Continuity - no immediate need to search, train, etc. a new AP for the moment
Schedule - a 6month extension would get us to a June "turnover" month (better from an Xmas/winter vacation standpoint)

Cons:
Enthusiasm Decline? - I have already seen a decline in enthusiasm for AP's core duty of taking care of the kids. Maybe this was summer slump, maybe normal progression in AP year. Should I expect the decline to continue further if we extend?
New AP role of the dice - no guarantees on who a new AP will turn out - should we hang on to a "fine but not fantastic" AP?

Our current AP is responsible, punctual, and does everything "required" and explicitly asked of her. Our children like her and are comfortable with her. She is a good driver. She is flexible on working hours and schedule. She helps with specific household chores. She rarely takes initiative, perhaps also because she is young (19). She tends not to contribute to dinner table conversation unless she is asked a question; it is extremely rare for her to contribute to a discussion about current events, our daily life, etc unless specifically asked. If we would not ask her questions at dinner, she would pass the meal in silence. She has made an impression - particularly on DH - that she finds taking care of the kids a "chore" and that she is bored by it all; however, she does appear to care about them and does work with them to get homework done, etc, even if it's not easy. She generally schedules playdates at her own convenience (eg, with the children of her AP friends rather than asking our children who they'd like to play with. luckily our kids are pretty flexible most of the time).

I'm afraid of a Catch 22 here: if we say no, will her enthusiasm plummet (much further than we have experienced)? Or will this also happen if we decide to extend?

Thoughts on finding the best path forward much appreciated!