she has no one else to vent to there. jesus, she's in a new country all alone taking care of strangers children. give her a break.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is immature and self centered. Whatever you do, don't tough out the year with her or you will be ready to kill her by the 11th month. It's no way for either of you to spend the year. Sit her down now and tell her that she needs to learn that in America, when someone asks you how your day went, the answer is "fine, and yours?" unless something really bad happens. Give examples, vomiting illness, car accident, boyfriend dumps you, etc Minor annoyances are of no interest or concern to anyone. And tell her that for every minor annoyance she brings up, she needs to mention two fun/pleasant moments in the day. Remind her that every time she complains, she is basically telling you that she hates her job, her life with your family and spending her day with your kids. She should easily be able to see how that would make a HM/employer not feel great about continuing the relationship. Then give her a couple weeks and if it doesn't get better, rematch.

+1

OP here. I appreciate ALL the advice, but I don't think I agree with this at all. I think if that were to be the discussion I was having, then I'm basically sending her the signal that A) I really don't care if she's sad/annoyed/etc.; and B) she should not tell me when bad things happen with the kids. I think this is really dangerous.

One of the up-sides of the negativity is that she actually tells me when the kids do something bad. They DO occasionally misbehave. And because I don't think her child care skills are stellar, I WANT her to tell me what they did, how she handled it, and whether her approach worked. This is the only way, I think, to try to get us all on the same page. Don't you think?

So, I agree that perhaps some type of discussion is in order before I hit my limit -- but really how should that discussion go? At the end of the day, she's immature. That's no crime. Perhaps she'll still grow. Perhaps she'll even grow this year. And, she really is not a bad person. I don't want to crush her into oblivion with a heavy-handed discussion about how she's complaining too much. I think it sends the wrong message that I don't care about her and what is going on in her life. Actually, I do care. I just wish she had a little better perspective. Sometimes I think she acts like she is 15 or 16.

Are you a first time HM?

I am on my 7th AP and I can tell you that if you're worried that she can't tell the difference between telling you that something happened with your kids is different than complaining that the weather was too hot or too cold, you're in for a long year. I really don't want to hear from an AP every time my kids argue or get into trouble - although I usually hear it from my kids! LOL I clearly go over behavior expectations and also methods for enforcing those expectations, but my AP is an adult who is "on par" and bears my authority with my kids. If I have to micromanage that, I may as well not have one.

At your kids' ages you're going to hear about anything important anyway. It's up to you whether you want to spend your year waiting for her to grow up or if you want to spur the process along. The conversation doesn't have to be heavy handed, it's up to you and your personality how it goes, but keep in mind, APs are at their best in most cases in the first three months. How you deal with this will set the tone for the rest of the year. I know I couldn't take a whole year of this, maybe you can.

Also, OP, if you're dealing with immaturity, watch out for texting issues and also staying out all night and being exhausted the next day. We actually did almost rematch at the 5 month point after I was looking at our cell phone bill for something else and realized she was having day-long texting conversations while she was on duty. As soon as ours made friends (somewhere after two months in), her immaturity and inabilty to treat her job like a JOB began to really show itself.

OP, I'm the poster that responded to you second about having a similar au pair this year. Your second post makes yours sound even more like mine. It is purely immaturity and life experience in our case. I agree with you that taking a hard line on it isn't really what you want, but I can tell you that not doing anything about it and letting it drive me crazy has not worked either. Honestly I don't really know the solution (obviously), but the immaturity has made for a miserable year. I kept expecting her to act her age and act like a person who wanted to take on and enjoy the enormous responsibility of coming to a new country, and she never met me there. She stayed at the level of acting like a teenager all year. I finally had to just lower my expectations for her performance and struggle through. We're not having another AP after this one because of how not worth it its been for us. I'm sorry to be doom and gloom, but if you think this is just her personality, you have a long road ahead of you unless you can somehow tell her to shape up or just find a reason to rematch and try again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is immature and self centered. Whatever you do, don't tough out the year with her or you will be ready to kill her by the 11th month. It's no way for either of you to spend the year. Sit her down now and tell her that she needs to learn that in America, when someone asks you how your day went, the answer is "fine, and yours?" unless something really bad happens. Give examples, vomiting illness, car accident, boyfriend dumps you, etc Minor annoyances are of no interest or concern to anyone. And tell her that for every minor annoyance she brings up, she needs to mention two fun/pleasant moments in the day. Remind her that every time she complains, she is basically telling you that she hates her job, her life with your family and spending her day with your kids. She should easily be able to see how that would make a HM/employer not feel great about continuing the relationship. Then give her a couple weeks and if it doesn't get better, rematch.

+1

OP here. I appreciate ALL the advice, but I don't think I agree with this at all. I think if that were to be the discussion I was having, then I'm basically sending her the signal that A) I really don't care if she's sad/annoyed/etc.; and B) she should not tell me when bad things happen with the kids. I think this is really dangerous.

One of the up-sides of the negativity is that she actually tells me when the kids do something bad. They DO occasionally misbehave. And because I don't think her child care skills are stellar, I WANT her to tell me what they did, how she handled it, and whether her approach worked. This is the only way, I think, to try to get us all on the same page. Don't you think?

So, I agree that perhaps some type of discussion is in order before I hit my limit -- but really how should that discussion go? At the end of the day, she's immature. That's no crime. Perhaps she'll still grow. Perhaps she'll even grow this year. And, she really is not a bad person. I don't want to crush her into oblivion with a heavy-handed discussion about how she's complaining too much. I think it sends the wrong message that I don't care about her and what is going on in her life. Actually, I do care. I just wish she had a little better perspective. Sometimes I think she acts like she is 15 or 16.

Anonymous wrote:She is immature and self centered. Whatever you do, don't tough out the year with her or you will be ready to kill her by the 11th month. It's no way for either of you to spend the year. Sit her down now and tell her that she needs to learn that in America, when someone asks you how your day went, the answer is "fine, and yours?" unless something really bad happens. Give examples, vomiting illness, car accident, boyfriend dumps you, etc Minor annoyances are of no interest or concern to anyone. And tell her that for every minor annoyance she brings up, she needs to mention two fun/pleasant moments in the day. Remind her that every time she complains, she is basically telling you that she hates her job, her life with your family and spending her day with your kids. She should easily be able to see how that would make a HM/employer not feel great about continuing the relationship. Then give her a couple weeks and if it doesn't get better, rematch.

+1

She is immature and self centered. Whatever you do, don't tough out the year with her or you will be ready to kill her by the 11th month. It's no way for either of you to spend the year. Sit her down now and tell her that she needs to learn that in America, when someone asks you how your day went, the answer is "fine, and yours?" unless something really bad happens. Give examples, vomiting illness, car accident, boyfriend dumps you, etc Minor annoyances are of no interest or concern to anyone. And tell her that for every minor annoyance she brings up, she needs to mention two fun/pleasant moments in the day. Remind her that every time she complains, she is basically telling you that she hates her job, her life with your family and spending her day with your kids. She should easily be able to see how that would make a HM/employer not feel great about continuing the relationship. Then give her a couple weeks and if it doesn't get better, rematch.

Whatever you do, DON'T wait to act. I made that mistake with our third au pair. The last day she was in our home, I nearly marked off every minute until I drove her away. I swore I would never bite my tongue again

FWIW, our most immature AP was 26.

There are many good suggestions above. Remembering my past days of travel for school, negativity about six weeks into a trip/visit/relocation is not unusual. You can be understanding of that will letting her know that her attitude will need to change in order for her to be successful in her position.

Also, will her schedule change in the school year? Pointing that out may help.

I would sit her down and talk with her (in a respectful manner) but here are my thoughts.

1. She may still be homesick/adjusting
2. She may be overtired/overworked and this isn't a good match
3. You admit this job is harder than others. Perhaps her au pair friends have shorter work weeks, less children, etc. and she is resentful/annoyed that she got the harder position.

Oh and OP, I'm 8:56. Having taken APs on vacations before, I will tell you that whatever their personality is (be it helpful and fun-loving or negative), it will be magnified on vacation. We took ours on our annual trip that we've had great times with APs before, and she acted like it was the worst experience of her life. She literally sat on the couch on her laptop the entire week.

She's 21-- but does this really matter?

This sounds to me like it is part of her personality. It would drive me crazy too. We once had a nanny who said in front of the kids on her first day that something minor was going to make her "commit suicide". To her it was just a turn of phrase, to me it was a sign that she wasn't going to fit with us, and indeed she went on to complain constantly about things and turned out to be just plain weird. She lasted a week!

You sound very nice and considerate. Since she's been with you for six weeks already, to be fair you should sit down with her and explain that you're concerned that she is not happy due to her negative comments on so many of her experiences every day. If she doesn't understand what you mean, give her some examples like you have given here. You can also say that not only are you concerned she's not happy, but you think it is important for adults to model a "positive attitude" for the kids.

BTW, do the kids like her? Obviously that is a super important factor!!!

If it turns out she's homesick/doesn't like the US but definitely wants to stay, see if there's anything you can do to make her transition easier. If she says she's ok and takes on board your concerns and she doesn't get on your nerves anymore, great. However, if she continues to be negative or she just insn't a good personality match for your family, you should probably rematch asap, then book your winter holiday.

OP, our current AP is similar. We're almost done with our year with her and are so excited to be done. She was fine as an au pair (though was definitely the worst one we've had), but we just didn't LIKE her. She is very negative, lacks a world view of things, and basically spent her entire year in bars with friends rather than making the most out of her year. I think it's just how she is. I noticed it in the beginning and didn't think it was worth rematching over (how do you say to someone I want to rematch because I don't like you as a person?), but it made for a pretty miserable year.

It might just be homesickness and it might just be cultural. Americans tend toward "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" and some other countries don't see these kinda of statements as rude or annoying - they're just facts.

But assuming its still happening after she starts making friends and getting settled, I think you should do one of two things, which I really wish I'd done:

1. In a non-confrontational way, tell her that when she says something negative, that you don't know how to respond. Since you want her to be happy, if she could please let you know if she's just generally complaining but is happy overall or that she needs to bring you a solution with her complaints. So "my lunch was awful!" Becomes "my lunch was awful! Can you give me some suggestions for where to go?"

OR

2. Commit (and I mean seriously commit) to just letting it go. It's probably just how she is and she doesn't mean it personally. You can just let the comments roll off your back and be confident that you are doing everything you can to help her have a good year.

I have found though, that when you think something is bothering you just a bit in the beginning, if you don't address it somehow right from the start, it will get worse and it will drive you slowly insane until you are counting the days until her year ends. If this isn't something you can roll with, you need to address it now.

How old is she?

Would love to know from experienced host moms whether this situation is likely to improve (or not).

We have a relatively new au pair. She's been here about 6 weeks. She is a nice person, but seems immature. And, in fairness, I think my au pair "job" is harder than many-- (3 kids ages 4-10, pretty much 45 hours every week, minimal house work).

Pretty much immediately, I noticed that our new au pair seems to think that small inconveniences are a really big deal. Every day, I ask her how her day was (whether it was a work day or a fun day), and without fail, she tells me about how awful something was: her lunch was not good, she had to wait 30 minutes for the metro, the kids were "bad", she had to wait 2 hours at the DMV, etc. While she isn't generally sullen, the negativity is grating on me. I think we live in a great country -- and a great area -- but it's not "Oz". There are lines here, and mean people and bad service and bad drivers and all of these other things that are everywhere else in the world too.

I've mostly brushed it off -- but it gives me the sense that she has these really unreasonable expectations for life in general (and maybe her au pair experience by extension).

While none of it has been cast as "my home country is better than yours," I'm wondering if this is perhaps a sign of homesickness? I would like to help her see the world a little differently, but I don't have any delusions about my ability to change someone's nature.

Does this sound familiar to any other hostmoms? And what happened in those situations? Did the AP eventually just throw in the towel and return home? Did it get better? Did you talk about it?

I want her to be able to talk to me awhen she is feeling sad, or if something bothers her. But some of this stuff seems so small to me, and yet is delivered with this nothion that whatever happened is the WORST THING EVER -- and I just don't even know what to say.

Plus, I'm worried that this is already grating on me. I'm worried that in 3 months, I will be sick to death of the complaints. And, And, we're about to book a winter vacation... and we have ALWAYS taken our au pairs on our winter vacations... but I really am not sure I want her to come. I'd feel really badly leaving her out, but at the same time, I feel like I love these vacations, and we only do it once a year... and the last thing I want is to b have a gripey AP with me ruining the fun. Any thoughts?