Nanny here- I plan my vacation time during the grandparent visits. It is the worst part of my job, I can't stand it.

Anonymous wrote:How about having your MIL see the baby when you have your own child? Dont pawn your MIL off on the nanny just so you dont have to see her.

Wow. Pawn my MIL so I don't have to see her? That's a big assumption. FYI I work from home a couple days out of the week and my MIL usually comes to visit during lunchtime. I would have thought it was an advantage to have a family relative come visit anytime and not have to wait until the weekend to see their grand kid. I didn't expect people to be so vicious on here.

I don't get along with MB's MIL (or FIL), and neither does she to be quite honest. When I first started the job 4 years ago MB had a rule that they were only allowed over if MB or DB was present (preferably DB). All was ok (unpleasant but somewhat bearable) for about a year-and-a-half with that plan. I just tried to stay out of the way if at all possible

Than one day MB's in-laws were over late in the afternoon. One of the kids was having a tough time, and I was handling it like I always did (the same way MB and DB did/do). Grandparents didn't like what was happening, and all of a sudden they completely exploded at me. They were screaming at me (in front of the kids) and saying unkind things about me in their rant. I calmly looked at them and said, "MB and DB are my employers. I answer to them. If you don't like something I'm doing you need to take it to them." DB then escorted them out of the house.

When DB returned to the kitchen I very calmly and firmly told him I never wanted to be in the presence of his parents again. MB was furious when she got home and learned about the afternoon's incident. She immediately backed me up with what I had said. Her in-laws are no longer allowed to come over to the house when I am there. On the rare occasions they need to come over for a reason during my scheduled work hours I leave before they get there...such as today.

I have successfully interacted with other difficult grandparents before, but this set takes difficult to a whole new level.

Honestly...I would very quickly begin to resent my job if my MB's MIL visited 3/5 days of the week.
Too much.

I think you will have to step in. My nanny has to deal w/ three sets of grandparents that come to visit at various times. None are local, which means that when they come they stay with us for up to a week at a time. They each pose challenges (to me/husband and nanny!)

If you value and want to keep your nanny I think you have to buffer her and set up some ground rules for these visits, and also how your MIL interacts w/ her. The nanny cannot be disrespectful to your MIL. That's non-negotiable. However, your MIL needs to understand that your nanny is making your life possible, is being paid to be the primary caregiver when you are not there (and is fully authorized to behave that way and has your backing and trust), and you need your MIL to work with you in making sure you keep someone who want to stay with you to care for your child.

The nanny is in a difficult place - this isn't a relationship between two peers - the MIL is, by nature, an extension of the nanny's employers. So she can't handle that interaction the way she would if they were simply acquaintances. It's on you to ensure a comfortable working environment for the nanny - and that may mean curtailing your MIL.

Maybe it's possible to set up a rough schedule for the MIL visits? Or even a MIL/grandchild time during which the nanny does laundry, or gets lunch out, or even comes late one morning/leaves early, etc...?

I guess I'm really sympathizing w/ the nanny here but I can only imagine having a grandparent hovering over me all the time while I'm trying to do my job. Let alone one who I feel like is criticizing me regularly.

If you don't step in you'll lose the nanny, and probably any others who follow her. You need to set some ground rules for the MIL.

Anonymous wrote:No my MIL does not live with me, she comes to visit the baby a few times a week.

A few times a week?!
Tell your MIL to visit when you're home from work.
I can't imagine having my schedule with the kids disrupted multiple times a week on a regular basis. How obnoxious.

The reason why the two grown women aren't working it out, is because neither one is in charge. You and your husband need to take responsibility here. I can't imagine that you think it's fair to your children to have people popping in to visit without any prior planning. Seems rather chaotic to me. Why not ask Grandma when she wants to come and take care of whoever you have there. If she can stick to some routine, the nanny can make other plans for that time.

How about having your MIL see the baby when you have your own child? Dont pawn your MIL off on the nanny just so you dont have to see her.

Anonymous wrote:Holy smokes. Why wouldn't you get involved if you don't want to lose your nanny? This is your responsibility to sort out. Somehow, you need to let your MIL know that she needs to *Back Off!*and let the nanny get on with her job. Can you ask your husband to talk to his mother about this?

If not, you could try:

To MIL: I know how much you care about your grandkids and I really appreciate that, and I know that when you talk to the nanny about her job you are trying to do what's best for our family. Unfortunately the nanny doesn't come from a family like ours and I think she might be misunderstanding where you're coming from and it is obviously causing some tension. We think the nanny is doing a good job and we want her to feel good about her job. I wonder if you think she needs some guidance or help if you can talk to me about it and then I can talk to her. Since she sees me as her employer that might make the most sense to her. How do you feel about that? I just really want everyone to be happy and get along, especially in the interests of the kids.

To the nanny: I want you to know that my husband and I think you're doing an awesome job. I'm sorry if some of the things my MIL has said have rubbed you the wrong way. She's very direct and comes from a different family background than maybe you or I are used to. It might feel like she is questioning your ability but her comments aren't meant as critically as they might seem. I have asked her to come to me if she feels you need guidance in any areas, and I'll ask you to also come to me if there are any situations that you are uncomfortable with. If we are open and honest hopefully we can all get along. We really want you to be happy working for us.

Thank you for your advice. I was hoping that 2 grown adults could work it out, but ends up being two stubbon women that I will need to step in! Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:Do you pay the nanny to put up with grandparents? You usually don't get to keep a nanny plus other adults at the same time. It's overkill. You need to pick one or the other. Get some healthy boundaries here.

I think it is a perfectly healthy arrangement for grandparents to be able to visit their grandkids whenever they want. The nanny takes care of the baby only. I was asking for advice on how to resolve a situation, no need to be rude.

Holy smokes. Why wouldn't you get involved if you don't want to lose your nanny? This is your responsibility to sort out. Somehow, you need to let your MIL know that she needs to *Back Off!*and let the nanny get on with her job. Can you ask your husband to talk to his mother about this?

If not, you could try:

To MIL: I know how much you care about your grandkids and I really appreciate that, and I know that when you talk to the nanny about her job you are trying to do what's best for our family. Unfortunately the nanny doesn't come from a family like ours and I think she might be misunderstanding where you're coming from and it is obviously causing some tension. We think the nanny is doing a good job and we want her to feel good about her job. I wonder if you think she needs some guidance or help if you can talk to me about it and then I can talk to her. Since she sees me as her employer that might make the most sense to her. How do you feel about that? I just really want everyone to be happy and get along, especially in the interests of the kids.

To the nanny: I want you to know that my husband and I think you're doing an awesome job. I'm sorry if some of the things my MIL has said have rubbed you the wrong way. She's very direct and comes from a different family background than maybe you or I are used to. It might feel like she is questioning your ability but her comments aren't meant as critically as they might seem. I have asked her to come to me if she feels you need guidance in any areas, and I'll ask you to also come to me if there are any situations that you are uncomfortable with. If we are open and honest hopefully we can all get along. We really want you to be happy working for us.

No my MIL does not live with me, she comes to visit the baby a few times a week.

Do you pay the nanny to put up with grandparents? You usually don't get to keep a nanny plus other adults at the same time. It's overkill. You need to pick one or the other. Get some healthy boundaries here.

Does your MIL live with you? Your Nanny sounds a little unprofessional is shes letting it get to her so much, but we all have out breaking points. Maybe you could talk to your MIL and tell her that it's a little stressful / difficult when both are watching the kids at the same time, and have her not come around when Nanny is working. That's the only solution I see if you want to keep your nanny. If your MIL needs to be around when the Nanny is working then I would just tell your nanny "we can't pick our family, and I know she can be difficult but we really value you and hope you can stick it out with us" Good luck!

Has anyone had problems with their nanny not getting along with their difficult mother in law? If so, how did you deal with it? My MIL tends to be very direct/blunt (not the type to sugar coat) and my nanny is not used to that. In response, my nanny has been disrepectful to my MIL. For example, MIL will ask questions which may make it sound like she is questioning or criticizing her job. I can understand it is hard to work when someone is breathing down your neck. My nanny is on the verge of quitting and I'm trying not to get involved but I don't want to lose her.