Anonymous wrote:Why can't your kids make their own beds? And do their own dishes? If your kids are old enough to be at camp they are old enough to clean up after themselves. Sure, most pre-teens aren't going to do their own laundry or scrub a tub, but they need to have basic responsibilities. Your AP's job should partially be to make/help the kids do their own chores.

Also, if you're going to hire a teenager you have to assume she is going to act like a teenager. I'm tired of cheap people on DCUM hiring teenagers and then being surprised when they act like teenagers.

If your kids aren't doing basic stuff around the house now, they'll end way lazier than your AP when they are her age.

+1

While some APs are "teenagers", many are not. As someone keeps reminding us on this site-- they are not "girls" they are adults. Well-- sometimes they are, and sometimes they're not-- and age doesn't always dictate.

I specifically try to hire APs at the "mature" end of the spectrum, because while I'm happy to host a young adult in my house, I really have no desire to have another "child". I've had 3 great APs who I would take over most nannies any day. They've been pleasant, hard-working, cheerful wonderful people and I adore them all.

Sadly, my current AP is terribly immature-- despite being 26. There are 18-year-olds who have more maturity. She's not a bad girl. She's pleasant enough. But she has NO INTEREST in acting like an adult. She is used to being taken care of, and she clearly wants to continue being taken care of. Not a terrible person, just immature and self-centered.

I can relate to the OP. Feeling like you need to write down every task to a minute detail is maddening. I, for one, don't have time to do that-- and it would make me crazy anyway. If someone really doesn't WANT to get something done, all the micromanagement isn't going to fix that.

Honestly OP-- all the napping, etc. Makes me worried. She may be depressed (or maybe she's just partying too hard at night.). I don't think you can control whether she does her work at the beginning or end of the day-- as long as its done. But, if it just isn't getting done, talk to her. Say, "I left you with 3 chores today: change the sheets, wash the kids' dishes, and do a load of laundry. You had 6 hours alone to get this done. Please explain to me why it didn't get done?"

Approach her directly, and unapologetically, and ask her. Her response will tell you everything you need to know.

My way of handling this would be to leave her a detailed schedule/checklist every day until she gets it together.

I also agere though that her job should be to make sure that the kids do as much of their stuff as possible ratehr than doing it herself. Of course, this is often more work than doing it herself

Why can't your kids make their own beds? And do their own dishes? If your kids are old enough to be at camp they are old enough to clean up after themselves. Sure, most pre-teens aren't going to do their own laundry or scrub a tub, but they need to have basic responsibilities. Your AP's job should partially be to make/help the kids do their own chores.

Also, if you're going to hire a teenager you have to assume she is going to act like a teenager. I'm tired of cheap people on DCUM hiring teenagers and then being surprised when they act like teenagers.

If your kids aren't doing basic stuff around the house now, they'll end way lazier than your AP when they are her age.

Simon Legree, or are you just lazy? She is an AP not your damn slave.

You have two options:
-rematch
-create a detailed schedule for her
(-or grow increasingly resentful)

For example:
Monday:
Aiden and Larla are at camp from 8am-2pm
10am: Au Pair needs to wake up and throw in a load of laundry. Make sure she knows how to operate the washing machine and dryer, how much soap to use, hot water or cold water. If you need to write down instructions, do so and put it on the wall by the washing machine and dryer.

While laundry is washing, Au Pair makes the beds

10.30/11am: Au Pair tackles the dishes. Again, make sure she knows how to use the dishwasher. Make sure she knows if you have certain items that don't go in the dishwasher, or if you have to rinse off any food before it goes in the dishwasher.

11.30am: Au Pair does XYZ, etc...

If you think it should only take 5-10 minutes to do something, like loading the dishwasher, add in extra time in case it takes her longer to do.

"Au Pair, there are some things I really need finished by a certain time. I wrote out a schedule for you to help you complete your chores while the kids are in camp. Please talk to me if you have any questions."

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she knew that she had work during those hours. I outline that she has certain things she has to do each day and she does the minimum.

Today I worked part of the day at home due to circumstances. I observed that she watched tv and napped most of the day... In between she ran the washer once. She ignored changing the sheets of my sons bed until just before she went to pick up the kids. Didnt do other duties...

Shes been here a month.

Pp...thats what I dread/worry. This is the best of her. Wow...

When this kind of thing occurs, if you want it to stop, you have to act immediately. This means, knocking on her door, waking her up and saying "You are on duty this morning even though the kids aren't here. You obviously misunderstoo, since the dishes are everywhere and the beds haven't been made and there is still wash waiting to be wahed, dried folded and put away. Since I've been gone x hours and nothing was done, except the first load of laundry, I'm only counting 30 minutes of work for this time. Please start now and complete the tasks I've listed for you now before the kids are due home. Now, repeat back to me what you are going to do over the next x hours..." She is either going to realize quickly that you're not a doormat and step up, or you're going to have a clear frustration free path to a quick rematch. Either one is a win compared to you fuming and her getting more and more lazy as you fail to manage her.

OP, only you know the truth of whether you are being reasonable and clear in your expectations. If you really feel like you are being reasonable and clear and you're not feeling like this is just a little first-month homesickness issue that she's going to get over, then you need to be really really really clear that this is not acceptable. If it continues even once or twice, honestly, get the LCC involved and prepare to rematch. Au pairs are typically on their best behavior the first three months or so. This is the best you're going to get.

You say she does the minimum, but also that she didn't do other duties - I'm not sure what that means. You probably need to give her very explicit instructions, i.e. a written schedule of regular duties and then leave her a note if there's anything else that needs to be done which isn't on the regular schedule, which is PITA but then at least she's clear on her responsibilities. Let her know how important it is that she meet your expectations and that being helpful to the family is part of the 'deal' of being an au pair. After a while she would hopefully get the hang of it. If she doesn't improve then maybe you'll have to rematch. But I don't think you can micro-manage her, i.e. if she wants to watch TV for a while and then do everything later, you can't really say anything unless she is not actually getting stuff done/done properly as a result.

Yes, she knew that she had work during those hours. I outline that she has certain things she has to do each day and she does the minimum.

Today I worked part of the day at home due to circumstances. I observed that she watched tv and napped most of the day... In between she ran the washer once. She ignored changing the sheets of my sons bed until just before she went to pick up the kids. Didnt do other duties...

Shes been here a month.

Pp...thats what I dread/worry. This is the best of her. Wow...

DId you tell her that while the kids were at camp, she was on duty and needs to do kid related chores? OR did you just assume that she would know that?

If she was supposed to be at the SSA office, that would indicate to me that she is newly arrived and has just recently started being an AP in your household. In which case, it is incumbent upon you to give her a detailed description of her duties and a written schedule (i.e. - Thurs after kids are at camp, you will continue to be on duty for 2 hours and during these 2 hours you are expected to do task x, y and z) If you didn't do this you can't reasonably expect her to read your mind.

Is this the first time you are having issues with her? Regardless, you say something, ASAP. If you already told her and she slacked, make it clear that you expect her to do what you asked her to do when you asked her to do it and insist that she make up the hours and do the work in her free time tonight. If you didn't make it clear, make it clear now. You will make no one happy by "observing"

BTW, I had this AP, she only got worse as the year went by and at the end of the year, she was telling my kids "I don't care what your Mom wants" behind my back. Nip it in the bud early.

Her dishes AND the kid dishes. The kid's beds. Yes. She has about 6 hrs to do her duties and have off time.

Pretend she's your teenaged kid. What would you say?
Or you could have some tea and have a discussion...

How long has she been with you? I presume you mean HER dishes or the KIDS dishes? The KIDS beds unmade? Was she off-duty?

Came home to work from home after a long morning at the car repair shop. Dishes all over, beds unmade and AP in her room sleeping/watching tv.

She was supposed to be going to the SSA office today, but being lazy it seems.

Should I say something, or just observe? What should I say???