I do 90% of AP management. Our APs definitely have been much more apt to bring something up with me or in general just communicate more with me - I think also because we're both women.

I do "consult" with DH when making decisions to make sure we are on the same page. His biggest AP roles are doing the initial test-drives (I do not have the nerves for this) and being the one to lay down the law (if ever necessary).

I sometimes feel like DH doesn't appreciate how much work it is to "manage" the AP. He tends to think, we've got an AP, she can take care of whatever it is, and discounts the effort it takes to make sure there are instructions/follow-through/etc. For example, I am resisting having his father visit us for the week immediately preceding new AP arrival. I definitely feel under stress that week making sure I have everything ready (and saying goodbye to old AP) not to mention the logistics that need to be taken care of. DH is oblivious to this.

My husband and I have a cooperative relationship throughout the process. To some extent, that's what my husband wants, to some extent, I demand his participation because I do think we need to be united. I do way more when it comes to formal things (I write the handbook, do more of the first eval on applications, set up interviews, etc.), but we try to share information and decisions along the way. And ask our au pairs to communicate with both of us. Sounds like you and apouse need to have a conversation and get on the same page, then if you want to change the system, also talk to au pair about that.

You and your husband need to speak to each other about any concerns or planning and then you'll be on the same page.

You shouldn't be the only one doing the planning, training, discussions because your husband is an employer as well. Communication between you both before talking to the Au Pair.

I don't have any experience in your situation, however I will say that as a nanny, it is extremely frustrating and confusing when I get mixed messages from MB/DB. If puts me in an awkward position of having to choose whose directions to follow, and inevitably someone isn't happy. I'd suggest working things out amongst yourself before presenting her with directions/making a decision regarding a request. If she puts one of you on the spot, tell her that you will discuss it with your DH and then give her an answer.

As for him suddenly wanting input and giving conflicting directions, that would upset me. I would suggest delegating certain tasks to him in the future and having him generally more involved. You don't get to sit back and do nothing, then start calling shots as you see fit.

By management, I mean day-to-day tasking, scheduling, training, vacation/time-off requests, etc. In our family, I do most everything with regards to our au pair. I select and interview, choose our final match, do all the sending of emails and information before she comes, set up her room, arrange her travel to our home, write the handbook, do training with her when she arrives, take her driving, do her schedule, I'm the one she comes to if she has questions or needs something, etc. My spouse pretty much does nothing. However, we've recently been having some issues with our au pair and now suddenly he wants in on the planning. I think it's been a bit confusing for our au pair because she'll hear one thing from my husband and another thing from me occasionally. I'm wondering if anyone has any guidance or thoughts to share on co-managing an au pair - how you handle disagreements about how things should work, whether you talk things through with your spouse first before giving her any answers on things she needs, etc.