Anonymous wrote:OP here again. She has not nannied in about 4 years and has been instead taking care of elderly adults and we are paying her accordingly. I'm also not too concerned about health and safety as I work from home and will be on hand in case of emergency. As I said, I'm pleased that she's listening to my suggestions and I can see her trying to implement them. It's hard to ask for anything more than that. I'm just worried it may not be enough. Sigh,

I don't think it's a lost cause yet. She's taken most of the direction you've given her so far. Let her know that even though DD is older, she still needs a structured schedule just like the baby. Before the next time she has her full day, ask her to outline a schedule for the day ahead of time. Take a look at it and note any problems. Let her know where there should and shouldn't be flexibility (ie. "it's fine to move snack time up an hour if she get's hungry, but bedtime should absolutely be 7:30" or whatever is applicable).

OP here again. She has not nannied in about 4 years and has been instead taking care of elderly adults and we are paying her accordingly. I'm also not too concerned about health and safety as I work from home and will be on hand in case of emergency. As I said, I'm pleased that she's listening to my suggestions and I can see her trying to implement them. It's hard to ask for anything more than that. I'm just worried it may not be enough. Sigh,

Anonymous wrote:Agree w/ 4:48.
It's fine for a once in a while babysitter to "learn on the job" w/ your kids but a regular nanny needs to come equipped to handle all ages she's caring for.

Not if you knowingly hired an inexperienced (cheaper) nanny. Everyone starts somewhere, and the trade off for the cheaper nanny is having to put more effort into teaching her to do the job you need done. There's nothing wrong with this, but if you expect someone fully equipped to be self sufficient, you should hire and pay someone for their experience.

Agree w/ 4:48.
It's fine for a once in a while babysitter to "learn on the job" w/ your kids but a regular nanny needs to come equipped to handle all ages she's caring for.

How experienced is your nanny OP. it's been said a few times on this board that there is nothing wrong with hiring a less experienced nanny at a lower rate (which is what I suspect is your situation, correct me if I'm wrong) but you have to recognize they will need more training/guidance. I think the guidance you've offered her sounds great, and she is quick to take advice and learn. Give her some time to grow and she could turn out to be a wonderful nanny. If I'm totally off base, and she is experienced and qualified (and being paid in accordance with those facts) then perhaps its time to move on to someone more natural at the job and worth the money you're paying.

Your nanny has serious problems. I don't understand how she can be a successful nanny at all! Your infant will grow and she will not be able to provide any kind of firm support which every child needs.

A 3 yr old should not be in the fridge AT ALL, much less going and opening ANY yogurt, much less 4 of them. The fact that she says she didn't want to discipline since she just became friends with her... *facepalm* Any 12 yr old babysitter could do a better job than she can!

Let her go, find someone else that isn't scared of toddlers, can provide basic discipline AT LEAST, and that you don't have to tell her what kind of activities to do with her. You will NOT want to have this girl around for the WHOLE SUMMER with your 3 yr old if she is struggling this much with just 3 hours a day.

I honestly don't see how you can leave your kids home with someone like this. This is BAD. She can't get your child to bed by 11pm, and it's because the child said she didn't want to go to bed and she thought it was ALRIGHT? I would hate to see how she reacts to an emergency. She is more like a child herself, letting herself be swayed by what a child wants. Seriously, listen to people and find someone else QUICK. I understand some people just aren't as good with toddlers, but this is NOT someone who is "not good" with them. They can at least provide rules and discipline and are just more awkward with the socializing part with them.

OP here. Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your comments. I had a discussion with my nanny this morning. She brought up the issue because my 3 year old had gone to the fridge and opened FOUR yogurt containers just for fun. Apparently, nanny told her to stop and she did it anyway and nanny didn't force the issue. It is another example of how nanny doesn't enforce any discipline or guidance with DD, but it was an excellent jumping off point for a discussion about discipline, etc. It seems that nanny has been reluctant to discipline her because they just became friends (DD really disliked her at first because nanny was really close to the baby and I think DD was (a) very jealous, and (b) felt very ignored/marginalized by nanny). Last week, I spoke to Nanny about engaging DD and getting on good terms with one another, and Nanny implemented some of my suggestions and they've had a much better rapport this week. So nanny avoided discipline because she didn't want to lose that ground. So we had a discussion about providing guidance and being firm, but still loving and fun. I gave her very concrete examples of how I would have handled the yogurt situation. I pointed out that DD is testing her because she knows nanny lets her get away with stuff, and that she needs to tighten up the rules for both of their sakes. I could tell that Nanny really tried to implement some of my suggestions this afternoon (for example, I told her how she can be firm about what needs to happen, and yet give options that allow DD to still feel in control. "OK, DD, it's time for you to eat lunch now. Do you want PB&J or Maccaroini?"). I'm relieved that she seems to be trying to learn, but I'm still a little disheartened that it is NOT at all intuitive for her. I feel like I should not have to micromanage her relationship with DD. However, I'm pleased that she was trying to improve, so I'll continue to work with her and hope that the improvement continues. Like I said, she's really sweet and wonderful and I'd feel terrible letting her go...but I wish I had hired someone with better toddler experience from the beginning.

any other suggestions are welcome.

Common sense can't really be taught. I don't know many nannies who would accept a 3 year old's reason for not going to bed.

My MB also works from home. I wouldn't have lasted a week if I wasn't able to keep the kids out of her office during the day. The kids know that they have to ask my permission to even go knock on her door...and at least 75% of the time they are told to wait until later or until she emerges on a break. On average I only allow them to go to her office door once a week or every other week.

What concerns me most is your nanny's reaction to hearing that your 3yo would be home for the entire day. She doesn't sound like someone who is comfortable with preschoolers, or perhaps she just isn't comfortable caring for more than one child at a time Either way it's a problem that needs to be addressed.

It's time for a talk to address your concerns and see if she has any concerns. I think you need to bring up your expectations regarding working uninterrupted unless it's an emergency (or whatever you determine your boundaries to be). You could also address your desire to have your nanny provide clear structure and guidance, giving her examples of what you mean. Also invite her to ask any questions she has.

You've already given nanny clear directives on activities for your 3yo, and if she still isn't able to plan her time with your 3yo there is a problem. I'm not sure how to address that except to suggest that she either look online for ideas of what to do with preschoolers or check out a book from the library about children this age and appropriate activities to do with them. It shouldn't fall upon you to plan your daughter's activities...that's what you are paying your nanny for.

Unfortunately all signs at the moment are pointing towards your suspicions that she is much better with infants. I have an acquaintance who is a wonderful infant/toddler nanny, but has ZERO patience, instinct, or ideas when it comes to working with children when they reach 3yo. It happens, and in your situation you need someone who is wonderful with a wider span of ages.

Anonymous wrote:I suggest making maybe 3 lists for the nanny. What to do with DD3 out of the house, inside the house, and during quiet time.

Also, is there an afternoon or morning you can take off, and take the baby out with you? Maybe the nanny needs to bond one on one with the toddler. They could bake, read some stories, do some art, etc.

Also, I think you and DH should have a review with her. "You seem passive and uncomfortable with Larla. Are we reading the situation correctly? Our hope was that you'd be our nanny through the summer when Larla's not in school, but we need to be comfortable with your taking care of her. Are you interested in that? Okay, what can we do to help you get there?"

Give her suggestions on how to handle situations you see cropping up. How to respond to DD when she wants to visit you, how to tell DD getting ready for bed is not optional, etc.

umm no. She should not do this. This is supposedly a PROFESSIONAL nanny. She should not need lists of what to do with a 3 year old.

OP, you might need to find someone new. Some nannies just prefer babies and do better with babies. Ill admit that I definitely prefer caring for infants under 1 which is why I am switching into a infant care specialist role.

Someone who does not have enough sense to put a 3 yr old to bed will not improve. Get rid of her now before the baby is to attached. Your example is the best you could have given since any barely intelligent teenage sitter could have put a 3 yr old to bed at a reasonable hr. The fact that your grown nanny could not and accepted as reason for not doing it that a 3 yr old said she's "not tired" is just beyond ludicrous. You cannot micromanage someone that clueless into being a good nanny. just wow wow wow.

I suggest making maybe 3 lists for the nanny. What to do with DD3 out of the house, inside the house, and during quiet time.

Also, is there an afternoon or morning you can take off, and take the baby out with you? Maybe the nanny needs to bond one on one with the toddler. They could bake, read some stories, do some art, etc.

Also, I think you and DH should have a review with her. "You seem passive and uncomfortable with Larla. Are we reading the situation correctly? Our hope was that you'd be our nanny through the summer when Larla's not in school, but we need to be comfortable with your taking care of her. Are you interested in that? Okay, what can we do to help you get there?"

Give her suggestions on how to handle situations you see cropping up. How to respond to DD when she wants to visit you, how to tell DD getting ready for bed is not optional, etc.

No. Shei probably will not change muh if at all and your baby will not be a baby for long.

One caveat to this- have you TOLD her you want her to be more firm/consistent? Have you sat down and discussed rules/expectations for your 3yo and consequences you find acceptable?

Some parents are so lax and passive that they would get annoyed (or worse) at the nanny if she took a firm stance and made child unhappy. Communication is key. If you've done this- then I think you need to find a better fit.

Tell her exactly how you want her to handle your daughter. Especially with you working from home, many young/inexperiences nannies are nervous to implement discipline in front of parents if they haven't explicitly been told what to do. So sit down with your nanny and tell her that you realize she may be new to working with 3YOs (or new to your family or however you think you ought to phrase it) and you wanted to be clear about how you wanted her to handle situations. Tell her if DD is trying to interrupt you you'd like her to SAYXYZ and DOXYZ. You should also ask her to read whatever parenting book you're most following/most agree with. And very important: ask her if she's felt she's been having trouble and is there anything you can do to help. You need to make sure she has the opportunity to ask you any questions ("do you mind if I leave the baby in her swing while DD and I DOXYZ?") she might have been wondering about.

We've had our new part-time nanny for a month. She's wonderful with our infant, she's sweet and loving, very responsible, always on time, and she takes the initiative to help out around the house, like doing the girls' laundry and tidying up the kitchen and family rooms. She has baby on a great schedule, and she understands her moods, her cries, her cues. If she were only taking care of the baby, we would love her. But, my 3 year old DD is home from preschool for 3 hours in the afternoons and nanny seems to struggle with her. She's too passive and doesn't control DD well. For example, we had her babysit last Saturday night and we came home at 11 PM to find the 3 year old DD still awake and playing, not even in her pajamas, because she told nanny she wasn't tired and didn't want to go to bed. During the day, I work from home and nanny doesn't keep DD from interrupting me in my study if DD says she wants to see Mommy, etc. It's like she doesn't recognize that 3 year olds need structure and guidance, even more than an infant does. Also, nanny seems overwhelmed when she has to deal with both kids at once. Tomorrow, for example, I told nanny that DD would be home all day and she made a little worried, frowny face and said something like, "oh, what will we do all day?" DD's school will be closed for the summer so I feel like we need to get this under control soon before she's home with both girls full time every day.

Nanny has been receptive to some constructive criticism, like when I've suggested how she can play with DD to build a rapport. But I'm still concerned that she doesn't "control" her well and that she doesn't feel comfortable or enjoy taking care of DD. Is this something she can learn? If so, how do I teach her? She's so literal with my advice, though. I have to suggest specific activities they can do together (you can take out the play doh, you can walk to the neighborhood park, you need to give her xyz for snack every afternoon). She doesn't seem to have the instinct to come up with activities or a good schedule for DD and she doesn't know how to guide her to behave, but instead lets DD do whatever she wants. She also lets her watch more TV than necessary, probably because it keeps her quiet and occupied so nanny doesn't have to deal with her. DH and I are a bit worried that nanny may be one of those people who is wonderful and intuitive in infants, but just doesn't have the ability to work with a preschooler.

Even though nanny is wonderful in many ways, this situation is giving me such anxiety. I want 3 year old DD to be happy and well cared for. Objectively, DD is a really sweet, well-behaved 3 year old so it's not like nanny has to deal with an extremely difficult or rambunctious child. It breaks my heart that the nanny seems to think she is hard to deal with. Nanny obviously has such a great bond and is so loving with the baby, DD is starting to develop a jealousy for the first time since baby was born. I'm so sad that she feels somewhat ignored by nanny.

Can this be learned? What should I say to nanny? How can I teach her how to improve? Unfortunately, I'm afraid we'll have to let her go if she doesn't get the hang of dealing with both girls at once, but I really love everything else about her so I'd be sorry to see her go. I'd really appreciate any advice.