I disagree but then I would not dream of asking, or accepting an offer of help from my guests including visiting family members. If you require her to eat any meals with you then this is on the clock. Is there nothing HMs will not do to get free extra work out of your APs?

OP. very helpful suggestions, thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can ask her what she wants to do ...

Either have diner by herself in her room and provide her with food ...
Or let her have diner with you every night and therefore, as a member of the family she will help clean up and this family time is NOT part of her 45 hours ...
Or do half half ... she can have diner alone except on some family nights where she can have diner with you all.
This way you also get to get some time alone with your family and the AP doesn't feel left out ...

OP here. Option 1 is what I had in mind. Dinner is important to us so everyone sits together and helps clean up. Thus, ap will always be invited. I guess it would annoy me if she just left after eating and not participated in clean up if nothing else because it sets a bad example for my kids. Of course if she wants to eat alone to get a break from us that's perfectly understandable too and I would just have her add her food wishes to my shopping list.

This is a perfectly reasonable request, but not all au pairs will want to be a part of this kind of kind of family dynamic. I have had 3 Au pairs and the first 2 both did this without even being asked. Our 3rd did not and it was a symptom of a larger issue which resulted in rematch.
This is something you need to discuss before you match, ideally. Before matching you tell your prospective AP that you will expect she eat dinner with your family X nights per week or Mon-Thurs or whatever you want, but that this is NOT part of her duty time but rather part of your values and being with your family. Be clear that this includes helping as an adult partner during dinner and after dinner cleaning up which may include clearing, wiping, sweeping, pots, etc (be specific) ALONG WITH the other members of the family, not FOR the other members of the family. Then, the AP knows what to expect if she chooses to match with you.

Anonymous wrote:You can ask her what she wants to do ...

Either have diner by herself in her room and provide her with food ...
Or let her have diner with you every night and therefore, as a member of the family she will help clean up and this family time is NOT part of her 45 hours ...
Or do half half ... she can have diner alone except on some family nights where she can have diner with you all.
This way you also get to get some time alone with your family and the AP doesn't feel left out ...

OP here. Option 1 is what I had in mind. Dinner is important to us so everyone sits together and helps clean up. Thus, ap will always be invited. I guess it would annoy me if she just left after eating and not participated in clean up if nothing else because it sets a bad example for my kids. Of course if she wants to eat alone to get a break from us that's perfectly understandable too and I would just have her add her food wishes to my shopping list.

You can ask her what she wants to do ...

Either have diner by herself in her room and provide her with food ...
Or let her have diner with you every night and therefore, as a member of the family she will help clean up and this family time is NOT part of her 45 hours ...
Or do half half ... she can have diner alone except on some family nights where she can have diner with you all.
This way you also get to get some time alone with your family and the AP doesn't feel left out ...

As long as OP makes sure to keep the shared dinner and clean-up "optional", it need not be paid time. It'd be a golden opportunity for OP to allow the children to clear the table.

It's not on the clock but don't make it "her job". If everyone is helping that's one thing, but if at the end of dinner everyone gets up and does their own thing leaving her with the mess she will feel like a house servant not a member of the family.

I expect all family members--kids and adults--to pitch in with chores. If one parent is bathing a kid after dinner, and another is checking homework or whatever, then it is perfectly reasonable to make dinner cleanup the au pair's post-dinner chore, off the clock, because she has chosen to participate in family meals. As my mom always told me when I was a kid, some chores you do to earn money, some chores you do because you are part of a family and we all have to pitch in. If the au pair doesn't like the added burden, she can decline to participate in family dinners.

I thought AuPairs were supposed to be 'part of the family'.. I hope you're not making her pay for food. The whole reason AuPairs are paid less is because of room and board.

That aside, yes it would seem like she should help out but because she's an adult you may want to word it in a way that doesn't come off as "You HAVE to do the dishes".. Just tell her to clean her own plates, etc.. I don't think it's fair to make her clean your kids dishes and mess when she's off the clock. I'm sure she'll offer but you are the one inviting her to eat as a guest. (even though she's supposed to be part of the family.)

It's not on the clock, but we also don't expect her to do the dishes if it was a family dinner. She clears her plate (as do the kids, and we other adults) and puts her dishes in the dishwasher, also she tends to help clear the table as we are all three (adults) doing this, but we wash the pans and things.

Anonymous wrote:Its not on the clock its a shared responsibility. Everyone clears their own plate, kids included though an adult may intervene before the 4 year old drops the ceramic plate in the sink, or pours his milk in the trash can. Adults take turn during the dinner dishes. The person who cooks usually cleans as they cook so there isn't a huge mess to clean up. Works for everyone.

+1

Its not on the clock its a shared responsibility. Everyone clears their own plate, kids included though an adult may intervene before the 4 year old drops the ceramic plate in the sink, or pours his milk in the trash can. Adults take turn during the dinner dishes. The person who cooks usually cleans as they cook so there isn't a huge mess to clean up. Works for everyone.

So long as the cleaning up truly is a shared task, I don't think it needs to be counted as on the clock. Do keep in mind that if you ask too much of her during this "shared" clean-up or it becomes mostly her cleaning, she will likely begin to turn down your offers to join you for dinner.

I can't imagine being invited as a guest, and not offering to help. But we have no clue what kind of person you're getting.

I'm planning on getting an au pair and trying to figure out how many hours I will need. I Intend to give her the option of eating dinner with us ( she will have her own kitchenette in in law suite if she wants to make her own dinner). If she does eat with us, however, I expect her to help us all clean up but don't think that should be on the clock since it's a shared responsibility . Reasonable or asking too much?