Just to be clear, 0P For the price of a small stipend, you expect this teenage girl to be a better parent than your husband is?

I think you have some good thoughtful and helpful responses here.

You need to have a sit-down/come to Jesus meeting with both of them (DH and AP).

Do it sooner than later.

I think you need to realize that you have hired a young woman without much childcare experience, and so you and your husband are her childcare role models. It's basic human nature to look at others behavior when you are unsure of the appropriate protocol, especially with something that can be as individualized as child care. I think it also comes back to the fact that this is also supposed to be a cultural exchange, and so again, your AP is looking to you and your DH to see what is expected within an American family.

Moving forward, I think you need to have a discussion with your DH about appropriate modeling for your AP, and then have a conversation with the AP about the changes you'd like to see in her childcare techniques, and I'd probably say it to the effect of "We know we may not always be perfect remembering to do these things ourselves, but we are trying to improve at that, and we'd appreciate it if you tried to adjust as well"

As for the other behavioral things (like taking up the whole couch to skype) I think you can absolutely redirect this behavior as you see it. Something like "Hey AP, we're trying to have a quiet dinner/ watch a family movie/ do the kids homework, etc. would you mind talking in your room? Feel free to come join us for dinner/movie/after homework treat when you're done!"

Double standards won't work in this scenario. Get over it, OP.

Anonymous wrote:"Make a point that how the children are handled during working hours is different than off hours."

i like this. good point.

No, discipling of children should not be "Working hours and family hours." This is stupid.

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the nannies. They hate being replaced by au pairs. You would have a good chance of dealing with the same lazy issues from a nanny only the nanny would be skilled in hiding it from you because she would know it was wrong. Since your au pair is not hiding this, it shows that she thinks this is what you expect and you can correct it. Her behavior also is not because she is an au pair but her personality. My husband has the same tendency to be watchful for any opportunity to slack off on something. He always magically does less than me. This normally is not an issue but if I'm sick or have a busy week he does nothing because he sees me doing less.

I would not suggest starting out the conversation with a comparison. This isn't the point. You should clearly establish with your au pair what you expect her to do during her working hours. Make a point that how the children are handled during working hours is different than off hours. You can put in a no screen time rule during her working hours and a no phone or screen time for her while she is working. When she is off she can lay on the couch, ignore the kids and do whatever but not while she is on schedule. You can also give her a set of tasks to do while she is on the clock that are valuable to the family and keep her from sinking back into playing on her phone.

I would not restrict her from being in the family areas on her off hours. While it may take you sometime to get used to her being around, the best way to get to know someone is by having them around. Her intentions may also not be 100% wrong. She may be watching you to try to figure out what to do and mirroring you on purpose. Your husband's approach is more attractive to her obviously so she is doing this.

I'm a longtime host who agrees with this completely.

One small caveat, though. I TOTALLY agree that this is not about your au pair not being a "professional nanny" (whatever the heck that is). however, there may be a problem with your au pair's maturity and age. Even if the money was identical I would chose an au pair over a nanny because au pairs on whole tend ACTUALLY be professionals/professional-bound, BUT I wound't typically hire an au pair (or a nanny) who is younger than 23 or so. Almost all of my au pairs were 25.

common sense should dictate she doesn't take up the whole couch if you and the 2 kids are in the room sitting down.
If she doesnt move over or sit up I would ask her nicely to make room so that someone can sit down.

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the nannies. They hate being replaced by au pairs. You would have a good chance of dealing with the same lazy issues from a nanny only the nanny would be skilled in hiding it from you because she would know it was wrong

Why do you idiots assume this? I don't care if people get AP's. I'm not "replaced". Parents who get APs usually need more hours than I'm able to work, so I don't care. Nannies SIDE WITH the APs most of the time, so we are defending them. Not bashing them. So your "theory"that we're mad at them makes no sense.

youre being a terrible host.

"Make a point that how the children are handled during working hours is different than off hours."

i like this. good point.

OP ignore the nannies. They hate being replaced by au pairs. You would have a good chance of dealing with the same lazy issues from a nanny only the nanny would be skilled in hiding it from you because she would know it was wrong. Since your au pair is not hiding this, it shows that she thinks this is what you expect and you can correct it. Her behavior also is not because she is an au pair but her personality. My husband has the same tendency to be watchful for any opportunity to slack off on something. He always magically does less than me. This normally is not an issue but if I'm sick or have a busy week he does nothing because he sees me doing less.

I would not suggest starting out the conversation with a comparison. This isn't the point. You should clearly establish with your au pair what you expect her to do during her working hours. Make a point that how the children are handled during working hours is different than off hours. You can put in a no screen time rule during her working hours and a no phone or screen time for her while she is working. When she is off she can lay on the couch, ignore the kids and do whatever but not while she is on schedule. You can also give her a set of tasks to do while she is on the clock that are valuable to the family and keep her from sinking back into playing on her phone.

I would not restrict her from being in the family areas on her off hours. While it may take you sometime to get used to her being around, the best way to get to know someone is by having them around. Her intentions may also not be 100% wrong. She may be watching you to try to figure out what to do and mirroring you on purpose. Your husband's approach is more attractive to her obviously so she is doing this.

Good question op. I don't really have any advice just sympathy. My ap yelled at the kids once and I told her she wasn't allowed to do that. It was hard explaining that to her bc I get frustrated with them. Another thing to add into my new household guidelines......
Talk to husband too and share your concerns. Unfortunately he will most likely have to change some of his behaviors...sounds silly but the aps usually copy what I do or my husband does.

You hired an 18 year old. A child. What did you expect? Honestly?! Is she young enough to be your own daughter? I have a feeling yes. Every 18 yr old I know lays on the couch with a computer on their belly, and talks to friends (facebook, skype, whatever). Even 19 year olds. 20 year olds.

She's an employee, but she's also supposed to be an extended part of your family. Therefore you are allowed to "have discussions", not "put her in her place". Reminder: you don't own her.

How are her living quarters? No one wants to be locked up in their room 24/7 because she's off duty. Reminder: you invited her to live with you. Just because she's "no longer needed" for the day, doesn't mean you can shoo her to her room that second.

Also, it seems like your husband needs to change his behaviors. Not your AP. By seeing him do it, she thinks she can do it, too. She sees herself as the adult figure in the house since she's in charge of the kids. Therefore, she is not going to assume "no kids eating anywhere other than the kitchen" applies to her.

Honestly, you did not know what you were getting into when you got an AP. You also hired a young girl from another country. You need to think this through clearly before talking to her.

You hosted an au pair, not hired a nanny. She is not a professional, she is here to learn about cultural norms within US households and to feel part of a family. You either need to change your expectations of the household as a whole or you need to let her go and get someone older and more professional. The only loophole I can think of is explaining that she can't do these things because she isn't a parent, she is more like an older sibling, but if you do that, be prepared to be back in a month complaining that your AP takes no initiative and just does the bare minimum before running off to hang with friends or in her room. If you want her to behave like a proper adult member of a functioning family, maybe you and your husband should do the same. My advice?

Let DH talk to her so she knows what she's dealing with. Best case she decides to be a better parent than your husband and silently resents you for it, worst case she leaves immediately.

Our au pair does not seem to have a good handle on her...I'm not sure how to describe it...position in the family? That sounds so snotty but it comes closest to describing what is making me uncomfortable.

Our au pair has only been here 2 1/2 months but she became quite comfortable quite quickly. Within a week, when our children would 'act up', she would speak to them in the same irritated tone and with the same 'idioms' or 'phraseology' as my husband does when he is irritated with them. When my son came in and asked me a question, she cut him off and answered for me..."no, you can't because..." During her down time she lies down on the sofa with a pillow under her head her feet up on the arm (just like my dh) and her laptop on her lap, skyping in the family room. (leaving the loveseat for me and the 2 other kids to share). When my husband suggested she would have more privacy in her room, she laughed and told him it didn't matter b/c he didn't speak French! She pretty much follows what my husband does: if he helps clear the table, she makes a modest effort. If he gets up and goes to watch tv, so does she. When he took out his phone at the dinner table (drives me NUTS) soon, she did, too. When she doesn't feel like doing something the kids ask her to do, I have heard her give the same answers (excuses) he would.

Recently I was out of town for most of the weekend and, predictably, he let the kids watch tv pretty much the whole time. Now I have had to remind her to turn off the tv when she is with the children, but she doesn't take me seriously. She saw him eat in the car, then she ate in the car (and left her trash behind, like he does). She has started leaving her soda cans and dishes around the house. My husband, of course, can eat wherever he likes and his messes are his (our) problem. But we do not let the children (and we have never had a problem with our previous au pair) eating anywhere but the kitchen, except for maybe a few chips or some candy in the her (the au pair's) room, which I never minded...but now we are talking about heavy snacks and meals..lots of dirty dishes left there). Obviously, my dh is not setting the best example, but the rules are different for au pairs and host dads. WE are allowed to look at our phones all we want...she is not. We can hop on and off the computer in the family room all day...she can not. We can talk to our friends on the phone while we are supervising our children...she can not. We can watch tv in the kitchen while we fix breakfast...but she can not watch tv while she fixes lunch for the baby. We may stand on the porch talking to a neighbor friend and pop our heads in to check on the toddler periodically...she can't do something similar with her friend on the porch.

How do I get our very young, 18 year old au pair with very limited child care experience, to understand that while she may be "like" a member of the family, she is, in fact, NOT a member of the family (especially after only 2 months..and this started a month ago!) and that even if she WERE, she would still not have the right to do and say things like we do. I have pointed out to my dh that she is not getting the best role modeling from him but he only gets annoyed and says that he isn't going to pussyfoot around some damn 18 year old girl and be made to feel like a guest in his own house. (I know...clearly there are other issues here w/ DH, but, I also see his point...) He sees our au pair much more like an employee and thinks she just needs to be put in her place and told what she is allowed to do and not do...tough cookies if it hurts her feelings or she feels 'second class'. I need advice...there are SO many little issues like this that I fear completely demoralizing her and discouraging her if I point out everything all at once. And I'm not sure how to do it nicely.. I'm just really bad at confrontation. DH has offered to 'talk' to her, but I fear she may leave that conversation in tears as he is not the most sensitive guy in the world. Advice?