We're on AP2. AP1 was more of a homebody than I expected - however, staying home did not translate into "spending time with us as a family" while she was home. It normally meant that she would hang out in her room skyping, watching TV, reading, whatever. Even though we encouraged her to invite friends over, she did so relatively rarely. She did eat almost all meals with us (almost never breakfast on weekends - she would not be up) but she would eat both lunch & dinner with us on weekends if she was around. She also voluntarily participated in family events such as kid performances, buying/decorating Xmas tree, etc. The relationship was more distant than I expected, but it was fine and a good relationship.

AP2 is new but I think will turn out to be more social. She is already more chatty with me. Still, in the evenings after dinner we may chat a bit and then she's ready to go to her room to relax, watch TV, etc. This is really fine with me. To be honest, if she started wanting to hang out with DH and I in the evening, I would probably retreat to our bedroom. After a full day, even DH & I do not talk that much. He's usually on computer/reading and I am watching TV.

Should say that our AP room is very comfortable & spacious with TV with Netflix & Amazon Prime, comfy L-shaped couch, own bathroom, etc. This is why I was surprised AP didn't have friends over more frequently - she could easily host a up to 3 or 4 APs in her room to hang out. At that age (granted, that was in college), I never even watched TV by myself! Of course, we did not each have our own laptops/TVs then either . . .

Anonymous wrote:During our first couple of weeks our current au pair definitely made an effort to spend time with our family outside of working hours. We are currently in month 4-5 of her stay, and she definitely is out of the house or in her room outside or working hours. We now see very little of her. I wonder if this is kind of the trend with most families?

I thought most au pairs made use of the common areas of the house when they were off duty. Now it seems that a lot of au pairs are either in their rooms or out of the house when something is not scheduled with the family, either on or off duty. Which one is it?

During our first couple of weeks our current au pair definitely made an effort to spend time with our family outside of working hours. We are currently in month 4-5 of her stay, and she definitely is out of the house or in her room outside or working hours. We now see very little of her. I wonder if this is kind of the trend with most families?

We're on our 2nd AP. Both have spent most of their off time on their own, unless we're going out to eat and then they usually come. The first was a homebody and mainly watched videos or talked to her family in her room. The second is really social and is either out with friends or skyping. It's nice to have the time alone with just our family but I do feel a little odd sometimes that we don't know our APs really well as people. I've said multiple times that they're welcome to hang out with us, but I don't want to push them into spending their free time with us. Maybe they're just sick of us by the end of the day/week or find us boring.

Hi OP. I'm not an AP but a full time live-in nanny. I spend a lot of time with my nanny family. I've grown very close to them over the past year and a half that I've worked for them. I moved 2,000 miles away from my home state to this state for this job so I knew no one when I got here except for my employers. I don't think I smother them, they always welcome me on outings and I truly do feel like part of the family and love to spend time with them. It has been really helpful to me in getting adjusted here so maybe your old AP was just homesick and needed to spend time with your family to feel better. I was very homesick for a while and am a big homebody so that is probably why I started to spend so much time with my nanny family. I do distance myself because I still want them to have their 'family' time because although I may feel like a family member I am still not family and they need that time together. I think there's always a happy medium.

We have hosted 7 APs. Most have struck a good balance between being social/having friends and a lot going on, and also spending time with us. We are VERY clear in matching that we're looking for someone who makes friends easily and who wants to go out and travel and take advantage of living in the US. But we are also clear that we want someone who likes living with a family and who will want to do some things with us. Our current AP is probably less involved than most of our APs, but she does do some things with us, and when it's important to us, I just schedule whatever it is (Hanukkah dinner, for example, or the night we decorated our tree) as part of her working hours even though she doesn't "work" during them, so that we are sure she will join us for these important social events. Yes, OP, I do think it's possible to find that "happy medium." Just be really, really clear about what you want in matching. I am sure that there are prospective APs who don't respond to our initial email letter because I stress that we're looking for this balance. And I definitely screen people out too if they either seem not independent/social enough or if they seem too into only the social stuff and not really interested in living with/being part of a family. Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

First of all if your aupair is off she is off! She can do whatever in her off time.? Gives you more private time to enjoy with your family??? Also her being out is for and example to experience the American life , deal with homesickness Ect.would you wanna hang around your employer when u are off.? She is doing nothing wrong here the main thing you should worry about is your children's happiness and if they are then this whole hotel feeling is childish I have had 8 aupairs and some of you are just too damn emotional as host parents.

I find it very hard to believe you have been a HM to 8 APs. It would be very helpful if you could be truthful in your responses as that is most helpful to an HM looking for advice from those who know.

+1

First of all if your aupair is off she is off! She can do whatever in her off time.? Gives you more private time to enjoy with your family??? Also her being out is for and example to experience the American life , deal with homesickness Ect.would you wanna hang around your employer when u are off.? She is doing nothing wrong here the main thing you should worry about is your children's happiness and if they are then this whole hotel feeling is childish I have had 8 aupairs and some of you are just too damn emotional as host parents.

I find it very hard to believe you have been a HM to 8 APs. It would be very helpful if you could be truthful in your responses as that is most helpful to an HM looking for advice from those who know.

We only have had 2 Au pairs before, but we love doing things with our Au pair...game nights, going out to dinner, experiences, vacations, etc. but appreciate that, when she is off, and we have nothing planned together, she is not with us very much..she's either skyping in her room or out with friends or shopping. We like having our private time, too.

I've had both extremes but my current and previous au pairs truly were happy mediums. Social but also liked to be home a decent amount and truly seemed to like hanging out with us, and that was mutual.

I'd like to hear from experienced host families please...

First of all if your aupair is off she is off! She can do whatever in her off time.? Gives you more private time to enjoy with your family??? Also her being out is for and example to experience the American life , deal with homesickness Ect.would you wanna hang around your employer when u are off.? She is doing nothing wrong here the main thing you should worry about is your children's happiness and if they are then this whole hotel feeling is childish I have had 8 aupairs and some of you are just too damn emotional as host parents.

I'm on my second AP. My first was a homebody and spent lots of time with us in her offtime.

Our current one is pretty social and spends nearly 100% of her off time out of the house.

Are those the only two types? Do you have one that sometimes hangs out and sometimes goes out? Which do you prefer? I'm not sure which I like better (feeling smothered or feeling like a 'hotel')...

Thanks!