Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is her room like?
When I was an au pair I had a room in the basement and then half of the basement playroom had an old couch and a couple of armchairs and a TV, This was the au pair living area. I loved it.
One option could be to make the living area you want her to hang out in from attractive.

OP here and this is a good question. She has a nice room with a daybed and trundle with her own tv w/ satellite channels, DVD player w/ Netflix, wifi and a computer printing station. Also on the lower level and at her disposal is her private bath, a mini kitchen with a fridge/freezer, beverage fridge, kuerig and microwave. Her level is where we have our mini home gym with treadmill, stairclimber, bike and weights, which she is free to use any time. It's not a huge space, but its light and bright and we've told her she's welcome to have her friends over down there.

this is very nice. feeling like we should upgrade our au pair space, to include at lease a tv and fridge.

Anonymous wrote:What is her room like?
When I was an au pair I had a room in the basement and then half of the basement playroom had an old couch and a couple of armchairs and a TV, This was the au pair living area. I loved it.
One option could be to make the living area you want her to hang out in from attractive.

OP here and this is a good question. She has a nice room with a daybed and trundle with her own tv w/ satellite channels, DVD player w/ Netflix, wifi and a computer printing station. Also on the lower level and at her disposal is her private bath, a mini kitchen with a fridge/freezer, beverage fridge, kuerig and microwave. Her level is where we have our mini home gym with treadmill, stairclimber, bike and weights, which she is free to use any time. It's not a huge space, but its light and bright and we've told her she's welcome to have her friends over down there.

Op here. I acknowledged that I can't ask her to not use the public parts of our home. I realize this is part of hosting. But just as the pp au pair said that she was uncomfortable going out and socializing so much, I am uncomfortable with this much socializing in my own home. It's just a poor match in that regard. As I said, I do love her as a person and AP. I don't even want to be around my own family this much, so it's not personal. I think I would like advice about what questions would be best to ask our next potential AP so that we have a better match in this way next time. I have loved hosting APs for the last 8 years and our former APs are all good friends of ours who have visted and we have visited them, so I don't really want to drop out of the program. And it's not so much about being a homebody as it is about how much she wants to spend time alone or with friends in her room or go out vs hanging out in our family spaces. It's not that I want to spend NO time at home in family spaces with our AP. We enjoy her company. It's just a matter of degree and feeling a bit like she has, well, taken over a bit more of our space than we are used to. This is part of finding a good 'match', no offense meant.

What is her room like?
When I was an au pair I had a room in the basement and then half of the basement playroom had an old couch and a couple of armchairs and a TV, This was the au pair living area. I loved it.
One option could be to make the living area you want her to hang out in from attractive.

If I where an aupair I would not want to work for you this is just ridiculous!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a home-body AP and now have a very social one.

I thought the home-body one was worse. I created my own space in my bedroom and hung out there...but there's really nothing more you can do, except encourage her to go out and meet friends, etc.

Sorry, OP....

Please don't do this unless she seems unhappy or lonely.

I was a more-homebody-than-not AP and my boss "encouraged" me to go out ALL the time - to the point that every weekend (I was off) I'd spend the majority of my spending money on a cheap hostel just to stay out of her way - please don't do this to her! Your AP is living in your home, and is meant to treat it as her home as well. If she isn't invading anyone's private space (bedrooms, offices, etc.) don't say anything to her. This being around the house is part of the deal, and it sounds like you might want to reconsider either hosting APs or your interviewing questions next time around.

I'm a host mom who agrees with this. It's really not fair to have an au pair if you aren't happy to make her feel welcome in your whole home. This is one difference between a nanny and an au pair. For a nanny room and board is purely compensation. For au pairs it's both compensation and the opportunity to truly live WITH an American family.

Anonymous wrote:I had a home-body AP and now have a very social one.

I thought the home-body one was worse. I created my own space in my bedroom and hung out there...but there's really nothing more you can do, except encourage her to go out and meet friends, etc.

Sorry, OP....

Please don't do this unless she seems unhappy or lonely.

I was a more-homebody-than-not AP and my boss "encouraged" me to go out ALL the time - to the point that every weekend (I was off) I'd spend the majority of my spending money on a cheap hostel just to stay out of her way - please don't do this to her! Your AP is living in your home, and is meant to treat it as her home as well. If she isn't invading anyone's private space (bedrooms, offices, etc.) don't say anything to her. This being around the house is part of the deal, and it sounds like you might want to reconsider either hosting APs or your interviewing questions next time around.

PP here.

If she's invading on any of your private space upstairs (you say upstairs sitting room), maybe talk to her and say that while you love hanging out, this space is my personal space. Just like you won't hang out in her room...her personal space.

I had a home-body AP and now have a very social one.

I thought the home-body one was worse. I created my own space in my bedroom and hung out there...but there's really nothing more you can do, except encourage her to go out and meet friends, etc.

Sorry, OP....

If you are uncomfortable with your AP living in your home and not hiding away in her room when she isn't on the clock, maybe you shouldn't have an AP. You sound like an awful HM to work for. Isn't the whole point of the program to be a HOST to these young women who are coming to a new country without knowing anyone? You are terrible.

I'm not an au pair but honestly if I was.. I certainly wouldn't want to work for you if this is your attitude. She is living with you-- so this is supposed to be her home. Would you tell your daughter she was only allowed to study in x room during x hours? Or would you be thrilled that she's actually doing her homework?

Who wants to be cooped up in their room all of the time??? Seriously?

Huh. Host mom on my second AP here. Our first was very social and our second hangs around mostly, but I think part of having an au pair is sharing your spaces. You can't really make arbitrary rules about when she can hang out and where without completely alienating her. Is she really bothering you? Do you feel like you have to entertain her or something? Is she a great ap otherwise? Sometimes these little things bother you when you don't love her childcare anyway and ts easier to nitpick this type of stuff than address the real issue.

But if she's great, it just bothers you that she's sitting in the living room when you want to also, then I think you're going to have to get over it.

She is supposed to be treated like a family member, so unless it's the same off limits for the rest of the family then you can't suddenly, months of her doing tbis, tell her she can't. Also, she is studying not watching tv.

We have had 4 Au pairs and have not had this problem before. Our current Au pair prefers to spend the majority of her free time in our family room on her computer. Or maybe in our living room, or the den or dining room, or the sitting room upstairs. We love her and get along we'll. But we are feeling a bit... I don't know...like there aren't enough boundaries? We would never have thought that we would need to define what group spaces could be used and by whom and when. But I never know when I might walk into a room to find her skyping or spreading out her schoolwork. I guess I'm uncomfortable with her comfort level....she brings her coffee and donut and settles in (which I've already got on a list to address: no food outside the kitchen unless its in her room)

But I can't really tell her that I am uncomfortable with her hanging out everywhere all the time, can I? Our other Au pairs had a much more active social life outside the house and mostly preferred their room unless we had a specific activity we asked her to join us for (like I imagine most teenagers are like, right?)

This Au pair is more of a homebody..still...I'm glad she's so happy and comfortable here, but I am struggling with the lack of privacy, private time with my family, a feeling of intrusion and just her constant presence, most nights and weekends. While I am really fond of her, I am afraid I'm beginning to become resentful. Advice?
Btw, it's not cultural or age related and she's been here almost 6 months now.